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Review Requests: ON
1,760 Public Reviews Given
1,809 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Minimalist. Focus on technical. I also look at how a work would fit into the traditional publishing landscape. I don't use a template. Warning: I am Australian, and so cultural differences may apply.
Favorite Genres
Most, really.
Least Favorite Genres
Fan-fiction
Favorite Item Types
Short stories and essays.
I will not review...
I will not review porn, fan-fiction or pro-religious/OTT-pro-USA essays. No interactives either, please.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
This came up on 'Read & Review' so here I am.

This is an intriguing opening. I am guessing Avery is going to go after discovering who the mysterious BBB is, and that is a strong concept for a story.

This, though, had a lot of technical issues. Even in the poem - the phrase "Albatrosses Outcry" could have been "Albatross' (or Albatross's) Outcry". (By the way, I did appreciate the poem being in a different font - that works well and helps make the poem the focus of the tale.)

Direct speech punctuation and set-out was all over the place. For a start, every new speaker gets a new paragraph. But also the use of commas, etc. needs editing.

Further, there were a lot of run-on sentences, especially in what the teacher was saying, which made meaning rather awkward to glean.

In all, this needs a lot of editing.

The story itself looks like it could be a strong one as the story goes further, but without those edits, it is going to be difficult for readers to understand what is going on.

Good luck going forward.


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2
2
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This came up on 'Read A Newbie' so here I am.

Depressing piece, a topic touched on by many in prose, poetry, flash, short story, you name it. That does not mean it is not worth doing - every idea deserves multipole voices. You have taken it from the PoV of the deceased, and have asked questions of those left behind they might not be comfortable answering honestly. It is a nice tack to take.

I especially like that you did not provide the answers, but let them hang, making the brief piece more universal.

Technically, clean; however, in the first para you had "...whispered at his funeral..." then you changed to first person (direct speech doesn't matter). If you want to hide the identity of the corpse, then just put "...whispered at the funeral..." Apart from that, all good.

It also lacks a little emotion. There were hints of anger, but that was about all. It was more philosophical than personal, but the story feels personal.

These are, of course, my thoughts.

Good luck going forward.


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3
3
Review of You  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


A sad poem that shows the change of thought between the narrator and object of desire... or the realisation the relationship is not all it seems. It works well, with some strong emotion in the lines as they go through.

Now, I read poetry out loud, and that is where I got stuck. It starts as a rhyming poem, and so it set itself into a rhythm. But this then stops, and the lack of rhyme and rhythm makes it awkward to say out loud. Personally, I'd get rid of the rhymes and just go free form, as I think that will give you more latitude to say what you need to.

Anyway, still a good poem, and good luck going forwards.


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4
4
Review of Gang Rules  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Nice little flash fiction tale of the head of, I am guessing, a crime gang. Short, sharp and shiny, and you let the character of Usako really come through in her words and actions. We did not need to have anything more with her than we got - you portrayed her well. The two lackeys were there to be fodder, and that was fine, but you also gave them a degree of fear that fit well.

Technically, there is some editing needed, especially around direct speech punctuation, etc. And the second sentence has a weird verb construct that does not work as a sentence.

So, a fun piece of flash, but some editing needed. Good luck going forward.


(PS I chose this as it had no reviews yet. Happy anniversary!)


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5
5
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Having read some of your autobiography, this was an interesting look at things from the alternate point of view. I think you managed to get into the head of someone whose desires go in that direction, and I do like how there was no judgement in your writing either way. You just described the process this lad goes through.

Technically, it was very strong; well done.

I think the only thing missing was some indication of how he was actually feeling, how his body was reacting physiologically to this. It felt a little muted, when it could have been an exploration of wonder or caution or was there a hint of self-loathing? So much that could have been investigated.

Apart from that, a strong piece. Well done, good luck going forwards, and thank you for showing the bravery of approaching something that happened to you as a source of writing.


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6
6
Review of Mama Bear  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
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This is a sweet tale of nature and motherhood, and how some things can cross species barriers, let alone cultural ones.

The description of the encounter and the bear with her first-time cubs, and her responses to the narrator were well done, and paint a nice word-picture of the scene. Having said that, I think I would have liked a little more of the narrator's innermost thoughts and descriptions of her physiology to really round this out.

Technically, you switch verb tenses halfway through, and there are some issues with direct speech/thought punctuation. Oh, and "BlackBerry" is an old computer device; "blackberry" is the fruit. *BigSmile*

So, this was a very nice little tale, and I can see it becoming something even better. Good luck going forward.


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7
7
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
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This was a well-written piece. You showed a good use of description across all senses, and painted a word picture that was very easy to visualise.

Technically, it was very clean as well. A fine piece.

My only problem is that it felt incomplete. This felt more like a framing device for a series of stories to follow. That is fine, but for a tale like this to be open-ended when one character is a collector of stories does feel like it should be leading somewhere.

Still, as far as the writing itself goes, really well done. Good luck going forward.


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8
8
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
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This reads like a little fairy tale, one told to very young children, one based around not judging a book by its cover, and learn who the true person is. Important lessons to be sure.

This is marked as a "novel." This is not a novel. It is an idea for a story that could be novel-length, but it is not even a plan for a novel. There are no details; it is all tell and no show. We have no knowledge of the character of Malik, the motivations, anything.

The idea here is a strong one and if it was fleshed out a lot, it could be an entertaining tale. At the moment, however, it reads just as an idea.

Sorry.

Good luck going fortward.


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9
9
Review of The Kinfolks  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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A fun, if violent, fantasy tale. The character of Billy being subservient to the action, just the catalyst for all happening, works well. Keeping the tale from his PoV was a strong move, so we hear the conversations from his perspective, and then get his memories thrown in, especially of his mother, hearing the people chasing him, hearing their demise, seeing the aftermath, then meeting the being that saved him.

You also give us some good descriptions of what Billy is going through, though some more would not go astray, especially concerning his physiology.

Technically, though, you need to look at the punctuation, grammar and formatting of direct speech, as it was all over the place. There were also a few run-on sentences. This does need a thorough edit.

There is a strong story here, and i think with some finessing, could be a winner. Good luck going forward.


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10
10
Review of Knowledge  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
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I think the title here really helps make this poem. Knowledge is indeed needed, but sometimes it is so hard, as you express in this work. The final stanza has some element of hope, but is it really that easy?

For poetic form, it works well. The repeated refrain works well.

Sorry I don't really have much more to say. I liked this poem, and know too many who could relate.

Good luck going forward.


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11
11
Review of Star Gazing  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
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This was a charming piece of flash fiction. You got about the right mix of show vs tell considering the word count limitations, and we had a nicer scenario playing out between two people who clearly really like one another.

Technically, there were a couple of issues. First, punctuation around direct speech and direct thought needs to be looked at; needs a good edit. Second, a lot of word repetition not for emphasis was evident (e.g. car, city, key). IOt just makes the writing feel lesser.

There is a strong piece of flash fiction here, just some tightening up in editing could help. Good Luck going forward.


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12
12
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
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A short little article/ essay/ opinion piece and, I have to say, I agree with you. What I liked about this was that you mentioned how some people do feel money can buy happiness, but then you mention those things that money can't buy (though, for some, health might be...).

Technically, it was strong. You utilised the essay structure well with introduction, info paragraphs, and conclusion.

I think my only issue is that it felt too short. Was there another point that could have been made in the body of your argument?

Still, well done and good luck going forward.


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13
13
Review of A Life Lived  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
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A decent look at life in the poetic form. Questioning ourselves and if it is worthwhile, then coming to the conclusion that it just might be is a reasonably common theme for poets to tackle, and you've done this well.

Looking at it as poetry, I read poetry out loud, and this one was difficult. The abcb/defe/ghih/etc. rhyme scheme was well done and none of the rhymes felt forced, but that scheme does seem to want a consistent meter, and the syllable count for this was not consistent at all. It constantly broke my rhythm of saying it.

For a content perspective, I have two questions: Why mention 90s films? It does not fit in with what was said and what makes a 90s film? I went to cinema a lot in that decade and there is no underlying feel for 90s movies; maybe "pop culture" would be a better catch all, indicating that influence.

Second, the first two lines of the last stanza: what do they mean? The last two lines could do with some extra words, but those two lines confuse me.

Anyway, a good attempt at the poem, and good luck going forward.


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14
14
Review of Mine  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Came across this on Read & Review so here I am.

Interesting little bit of flash fiction. Doiing what no-one else has done is always a fun time.

However, I didn't get what he did differently, what no-one else would have done. He just took it and swam away. That felt rather anti-climactic. It seemed... to easy. The story lacked punch.

Also, can doors creak underwater?

Sorry.

The writing was fine, the story just felt "there."

Good luck going forward.


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15
15
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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I recognise this from the activity, but never got a chance to read yours.

I like the opening MJ reference, and the whole feels like a scene out of Dawn Of The Dead.

The paragraph separation needs to be more consistent because it feels odd (why are the direct speech paras so close and then there are double spaces elsewhere?) and makes me think I'm missing something. But that is it for a technical point of view.

The main thing is there is a lack of emotion. Not only the physical attraction but also the fear at being confronted by zombies. Everything felt muted, like they were going through the paces.

Still, a fun tale, I just think it could have been even better.


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16
16
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
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I actually feel for the old lady. The fact that technology moves fast and older people are expected to just keep up and then are treated oddly when they cannot is a sad indictment on modern society.

You have captured it well, and yet the laughter at the teller's comment felt almost mocking. The idea of a bank leaving something at a grave did make up for it, though. So, a fun little piece of flash fiction.

The only things I'd comment on in the way it is written are personal ideas, nothing actually wrong, so that's fine.

But, yes, as I said, fun flash. Good luck going forward.


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17
17
Review of Double Ow Seven!  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
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I admit, I laughed. The last line was perfect for the rest of the haiku. Told its story in so few words, followed the 5-7-5 syllable count, last line slightly disconnected from the first two but still associated.

Nothing to actually complain about here at all (I am not going to be pedantic about the lack of nature haikus are "supposed" to have). And it made me laugh.

Can't ask for anything more! Good luck going forward.


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18
18
Review of Aussie Gold  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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Well, glad you showed me this in time for another anniversary review!

I like the way you picked one of the lesser known Australian goldfield. The big one - and the one that attracted most USians - was in Victoria, but the NT and Queensland ones were just as bountiful, only much, much harder to get to. And the use of a South African was good; they were renowned for being arrogant on the fields, and also failing a lot of the time because no-one liked to help them.

Technically, this was great; I saw nothing amiss. My only comment would be the use of the term Mexican Turnover. I know it because I read a lot, but some readers might not get the substitution trick reference.

Still, a fun little story about a place where cultures did cross over. And, yes, your research was well done.

Good luck going forward.


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19
19
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
This is an interesting take on the story prompt. The use of a witch's curse to create the entity was a good one and the 'found-footage' style of story-telling was well done.

Technically, there were a lot of things to be looked at. There were a lot of repeated words throughout. Commas were missing or misused, and sentence fragments that did not fit were everywhere. Some small typos. A couple of jumps into past tense. You use "this" a lot when "the" makes more sense. It really does need a thorough edit.

Story-wise, it felt muted. There was no emotion, and the description was lacking across all five senses. For example, they see a girl's head explode and all they think is, "Well, that was gross." It does not fit a horror tale. Also, why did it take until Kevin came long before she could leave the swamp, and she just killed everyone else? Did the witch do something? I missed that.

There is a good story here, but it is clouded by errors and a lack of a horror feel. However, you have the imagination and you have the story-telling ability. Good luck going forward.


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20
20
Review of Sinkhole  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Nice use of ancient traditional ownership to create a horror tale. I admit, I have done similar using indigenous Australians as well - it does make for a great tale and the message is subtle.

The fear in Marge was really good, but I think a little more of her physiological reactions would have upped the ante even more. Really go for it there.

Technically it was good, but I have one suggestion. It took me a little to work out the detective stuff was in the future of the rest of the story; I think I would have put their sections in italics to confirm that it is non-linear compared to the rest. That is personal, but it did draw me out a fraction.

So, a strong story, and while the office caving in was a little deus ex machina, the rest of the ending made sense.

Good luck going forward.


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21
21
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I was expecting something more cosmic with a name like Lovecraft, but you delivered a tale of a man consumed mentally and with an open ending that does not quite answer the questions posed.

Strong story, but two things - first, the opening was a little long. You did a heap of set up using tell, which did come into play with the first round of killings, but it did feel like some of the history drew out. Second, in direct contrast, the ending where he was consumed by the skull felt rushed. You had some great descriptions, but it suddenly happened and he was attacking and killing. You had another 600 words; we could have built up and felt more of what he felt about being a killer.

Still, the story was a good one, and the descriptions work well. Good luck going forward.


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22
22
Review of Naked Ned  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
While I did see the ending coming (sorry, I often do), this was a nicely built tale. You used the environment well to build the suspense, and Jess seemed like one of those characters who almost deserve to meet their fate in this sort of story.

Two things. The first is technical - the punctuation around direct speech at times needs some cleaning up. Needs a thorough edit.

Second is story-wise. The characters were too interchangeable. Apart from jess, the rest were just like each other. There were enough words left to make the different a little. Also, in the first section I would have mentioned there were two couples; it felt like one.

One more thing, and this is more a formatting issue, nothing serious, but I recommend using a section break signifier, not just an extra carriage return.

So, a strong story with some good descriptors, and a weird antagonist, plus some swamp magic. Good luck going forward.


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23
23
Review of Lake Bonewater  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
An interesting tale here, one of the return of something that slowly infects the area.

The set up was good, made sense in context, and then Charlie was the perfect carrier.

Technically, you need to look at direct speech punctuation (and why was 'Mate' written with a capital?). Not everywhere, but enough to be noticeable.

Format-wise, the scene breaks need separators, not just an extra carriage return. Because you used an extra return mid-section at one point, it threw me there.

I also would not have mentioned aliens. It takes away some of the horror. Just call it "the change/s", in my opinion.

Now, the tone - there could have been more horror, more suspense, more in the heads of some of the characters. It did feel a little distant from the emotions.

Still, an intriguing concept, one I would not have thought of. Good luck going forward/


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24
24
Review of The Knight  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
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This is a good essay about what the whole concept of a knight in shining armour means, in all its metaphorical glory. You have explained yourself well, have a strong sense of description through the body and finish with a question that is really worth thinking about.

However, technically, this needs a lot of work. There are missing commas and apostrophes, little typos ("off you feet") and some subject-verb issues. In all, too many for me to list here. If you are unsure, ask someone to edit for you because this is a strong piece, but the meaning could become muddied.

So, give it a run-through and tidy it up because this deserves it. Good luck going forward.


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25
25
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
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This is an interesting look at a writing journey. You are very honest here and let your growth as a writer come through in your discussion of your early failings, as you see them.

As you said, it is an education.

Technically, this was very clean. Nicely done.

I think the only thing I am missing here is some emotion and maybe an explanation of why you denied you were a writer early on. I think that would round this out nicely. But that is my opinion.

Still, always good to read when someone looks back on their past writing self and sees - and, more to the point, acknowledges - that they have improved.

Good luck going forward.


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