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Review Requests: ON
1,727 Public Reviews Given
1,776 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Minimalist. Focus on technical. I also look at how a work would fit into the traditional publishing landscape. I don't use a template. Warning: I am Australian, and so cultural differences may apply.
Favorite Genres
Most, really.
Least Favorite Genres
Fan-fiction
Favorite Item Types
Short stories and essays.
I will not review...
I will not review porn, fan-fiction or pro-religious/OTT-pro-USA essays. No interactives either, please.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Yes, I did see the name of the narrator coming after she said she was Bonnie, but that's not the point of this story - this is the sort of spy story written in the 1940s and 1950s, before they had to be OTT action, where cleverness and knowing the area helps in accomplishing an espionage goal.

Technically, very clean. One of the cleanest I've seen here.

Story-wise, it does bog down a little when Bonnie first describes what should be done, but that is all.

Apart from that, this is well-paced and the conceit of having to smuggle coffee is an interesting one (though I understand that was the prompt) which you have utilised well.

This was a fun story. An easy read and with a nice denouement. Good luck going forward.


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2
2
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like the way you set this as a story within a story, and told it from the point of view of someone just chatting at the pub to make a point and give a little message.

However, while I appreciate the informality of it all, at the start you told us what was going to happen, then described it happening. The opening, describing the scene also did not mean that much. Adding things for atmosphere is fine, but in a story of this length, it did feel a little much.

Story-wise, it did not follow. I went to high school last century, and one of my friends had a pen explode in his mouth, colouring everything blue. To this day, he still gets the occasional blue tongue lizard item as a "joke gift." Some things people do not forget, or are not allowed to forget.

Technically, it was fine, but the paragraph separation was inconsistent. Sometimes a double carriage return, sometimes a single.

So, look a fun story, but I think the message didn't hit and it had too much at the start.

Good luck going forward.


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3
3
Review of Them! WC 283  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Nice little piece of flash fiction. The idea of being convinced of "them" by a friend and a strange car is a good grounds for some weird paranoia, and, in the flash fiction limitations, it worked well. You called it a comedy, but in this day and age it felt more realistic than that...

Technically, it was very clean.

I think my only issue is this felt a little short. I think this could be lifted to a good short story, maybe even sellable, just by extending the emotions and drawing out the rising paranoia in Joni. But that is just me, and if you consider giving it a go, I'd be happy to read it.

Nicely done, and good luck going forward.


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4
4
Review of The Drive Home  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This came up on 'Read & Review' so here I am.

A quick bit of flash about a man facing the end of the world, being one of the very last allowed outside. You have captured the feeling of a deserted, almost dead world as this man perceives it quite well. There is a sense in him of trying to maintain a sense of normalcy, stopping at traffic lights, obeying the rules. Nice characterisation.

In a story sense, in a city with electricity, there is never silence. You don't realise it until you live in the country. There is a buzz, a hum, everywhere. Not traffic, but from the wires, from the breeze through them as well as the electricity within. The houses generate noise. It is hard to describe, but it is so definitely there.

Technically, you tense hop all over the place. Present to past and back again. With the nature of the story, I would choose present tense and stick to it. Also "ambit" should be "ambient", and I think "defining silence" should be "deafening silence". You also repeat that you are the last person out. Only needs to be there once.

So, this is a strong story, and focusing on one person instead of a large-picture scenario works really well. It just needs some tightening.

Good luck going forward.


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5
5
Review of Clean Slates  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This came up on 'Read & Review' so here I am.

Short poem, but one that says so much. This is the basis of human society... or should be. This is what those of us who are not religious use as our moral guide - judge people as you find them.

I like the way you have put that so succinctly.

Now, I read poetry out loud, so this is just a suggestion, but I would split the last line into 4 lines:
"We all want different,
See different,
Hear different,
Love different."
It's how it feels most comfortable to say, so maybe presenting it like that could be something.

But that is purely my opinion.

Good work, and good luck going forward.


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6
6
Review of Mushrooms  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Interesting little piece of flash fiction here. Technically it was strong, and it flowed fine.

The problem was, it felt like there were no stakes. She had to not be out after dark, and yet batted everything aside like it was a fly. It was a couple of vignettes about things that happened to her. It just lacked a hook, some drama. She felt over-powered, something happened, she used a spell and it stopped.

So, it was fine, it just lacked a certain sense of story. Good luck going forward.


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7
7
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This came up on 'Read & Review'... coincidence after your newsfeed post!

So, this story of a counsellor slowly losing her own sense of well-being is one that I am sure cuts close to the bone with many readers in a similar situation. You have shown the slow deterioration of Clara, Eli's part in it, her past weighing on her well.

Technically, I saw maybe two things I'd change, but they are more personal points than actual mistakes, so really clean copy.

Now, the story.

How can you delete then save again something from someone who is dead? Delete means gone, doesn't it?

The headings at the end are a little too tell. I would use scene breaks (three centred asterisks:
* * *

is usual) and not the headings; in a piece this short, they tend to be a distraction. Scene breaks and showing what the headings are telling are all that is needed. You even use the scene break to keep the final section in present tense, showing how far she has mentally fallen. I have the impression that last line is her thoughts, in which case I would also italicise it (Stay here. Stay here. Stay here.); if I'm reading it wrong; I apologise. There is also a missing carriage return between the paragraphs starting "The wool..."/"The heater..."

This is a depressing piece, but you gave shown it well. Not everyone who appears calm is actually calm. I just feel (and this is opinion) it needs some tightening in the narrative.

Good jib and good luck going forward.


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8
8
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
As someone who has been a teacher of special education students, unfortunately I have seen many Jerry-like people. Some of them were teachers in the classes for other students; most were parents.

The use of love as a weapon could have worked, but for me, it was laughter. I laughed at the abusive person, shook my head and wouldn't be drawn on it. No-one abused "my" students when I was around; they hated being laughed at.

All this is to say that I related to your tale.

So, this is about the technicalities. There are some run-on sentences in here that really draw the reader out. The third sentence in the first paragraph is a good example; it would be better served as two, maybe three sentences.

While I'm on the first paragraph, it doesn't need to be there. You're telling the reader what is about to happen, and not letting them experience it and work it out for themselves. Your story tells the tale; you don't need to add this.

Finally, you need to give it a thorough edit; there are quite a few errors of punctuation.

The story is a strong one, one of humanity. As a piece of writing, I feel it needs some tightening and tidying. This has the potential to be a really impactful piece.

Good luck going forward.


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9
9
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
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A story about a possessed book compelling someone to read it is always a fun set-up for a horror story.

However, this story was a difficult read. No paragraphing, misused and missing punctuation and verb tenses changing made it difficult to get into and follow. The idea of using the concept of The Purge from the film is also one to be wary of, but then it wasn't even used. Why mention it?

As far as story goes, it was all tell and no show, reading almost like an outline and not the actual story.

There is an intriguing idea here, but the delivery needs a lot of work.

Good luck going forward.


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10
10
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This came up on 'Read & Review' so here I am.

This is a fine piece of factual journalism. I had not been aware of these developments, and you presented the story in a strong, easy to follow manner.

I am going to say, I did a plagiarism check, and it came up as your own work - this is some good work.

My only issue is the way it is presented. The paragraph separation is inconsistent and, for a journalistic piece, there is one very long paragraph that probably could be cut. I also feel it lacks a strong concluding paragraph and some added context as to why this development is important for those unaware of the troubles in the region of Africa.

But, still, well done. Strong work. Good luck going forward.


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11
11
Review of Book 1 Chapter 1  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
This came up on 'Read & Review' so here I am.

The start of a longer story, it introduces the setting, two characters and leaves the reader with a mystery. The use of oil in the lighthouse gives us a time of probably pre-1980, which then also explains the lack of technology we see around us, so good time setting without mentioning a year.

As a chapter... it is very short. And the reason is this is nearly all tell and no show. You start with an info-dump in present tense, then switch to past and just tell us what happens. There is no show. It feels almost like an outline.

Technically, the punctuation around direct speech needs a lot of work. You also use the same words over and over, which does not engage a reader.

There is a decent idea here, but it feels like it needs a lot of work to really capture a reader's attention. Good luck going forward.


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12
12
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
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You said non-fiction, and the story of Edison is quite the way to inspire someone. For a dancer you could have used Fred Astaire, who was told he was short, had big ears and could dance "a little." So many examples!

The content was fine, but you did not have to include the line: "I then went onto tell her the Thomas Edison story about the invention of the lightbulb." This is because you then tell the story. It does not need an introduction, so this is redundant.

Technically, a lot of errors in punctuation around direct speech. This needs a thorough edit. You also tense jump; pick one tense and stuck to it.

A fine tale of inspiring a youngster through history, but it does need tightening. Good luck going forward.


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13
13
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
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A poem with some strong personal insight. While I know it is not the best thing to assume a poet is writing from personal experience, this certainly feels that way, looking at a life that has not gone the way hoped after so long of being protected by psychological armour.

As a poem, it works except there is one point where the PoV slips from 1st to 2nd person.

However, I read poetry out loud, and some of the lines were way too long and became very awkward to read properly. It felt like they should have been split over 2 or even 3 lines. It is a free-form style, so that would not have made a real difference to the poem's content.

So, a good poem, but one I feel could do with some tightening. Good luck going forward.


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14
14
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This came up on "Read & Review" so here I am.

A very important concept, and you have tackled it with a minimum of emotion, putting forth the ideas and facts and your own opinions in a straight-forward manner without brow-beating a reader.

You have followed the structure of a standard essay well. I do like your opening as a description; that is different, makes it stand out, and helps to draw a reader in. You have also included a strong conclusion, collating the points you have made. I think, when it comes to content, the second-to-last paragraph almost felt like a mini-essay of its own. It is like you have two concepts - why the forests need to be saved and who can do the saving - and tried to mash them together.

Still, a good essay here, on a subject that needs more people to listen. Good luck going forward!


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15
15
Review of The Hunter  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Saw this in the Newsfeed, so I thought I'd give it a read.

While I did pick the ending of the story from early on, I do really like the way you left it open-ended, so we don't know what will actually happen. We can guess, but...

For a flash fiction, you've got a good mix of show and tell here, keeping the word count down without detracting from narrative.

Technically, it seemed very clean, though the use of the word "homily" threw me. I get what you're going for, but the meaning is weird.

All in all, this was a strong piece of flash fiction.

Good job and good luck going forward!


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16
Review of A Lost Escape  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
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A melancholic and nostalgic look at how the places of the past change physically, and yet remain as they always were in our memories. A common motif in "looking back" poetry, it feels personal, and so stronger for that.

I read poetry out loud, and the rhyming scheme of this poem wanted a constant rhythm, which the syllable count did not give it. It was awkward at times to say. And some of the rhymes felt forced, like rhyming words were used where they did not fit with the meaning (e.g. "bereft of fate").

So, a strong poem in content, but as a reader and speaker, it felt it could do with some tightening, in my opinion.

Good luck going forward.


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Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
As someone with a relative who fought in WW1 and told me about it when I was younger, and the way our nation responds to the WW1 is what has formed our spirit, the spirit of the ANZAC.

This is a sad look at the day on Flanders, one of the bloodiest battles ever. I love the line "bullets seed the ground" - it is so apt.

I think only the last two lines don't quite work; it feels like the blood will never die, and the pair feel awkward after the rest.

Still, a strong poem. Nice work and good luck going forward.


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Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I have read similar stories to this before, and so knew exactly where it was headed. In fact, one of the earliest tales of the bean sidhe comes along a very similar path. Having said that, for someone not versed in folklore or the like, this tale will undoubtedly come as something of a shock, a genuine horror tale.

Technically, there are a couple of commas used instead of full stops in the direct speech, but otherwise very clean.

The dialogue feels natural for the most part; a child wanting to hear a tale they have heard before is very common, so does not feel like it comes out of nowhere. And the situation, transplanting old stories to a new land, is one that also carries to Australia, where Cornish miners brought their tommyknockers to the South Australian copper runs.

Being flash fiction, you have the mix of tell and show about right, and stick well with the third person omniscient PoV.

All up, a strong tale well told. I just might not have been the right one to ask to review it, is all.

Good luck going forward.


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19
19
Review of Please don't cry  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
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I only saw the ending of this tale coming about halfway through, so you did well to keep it hidden for that long. As a predominantly horror writer, I have used very similar motifs in the past. Taking it from the PoV you did was a nice way to change things up a little.

Technically, it was fine, but I do wonder why each new sentence was a new line. That does not really make sense. And why is Peonies capitalised?

As a story, it works well. I especially like the fact you have kept it to the flash fiction format; it does not drag on too long, just delivers, then hits the punch at the end (that most I am sure will not see coming).

Good work, and good luck going forward.


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Review of Wilt  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
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The extended metaphor of the poem, of happiness being something can fall from a person like a physical part of them, is well done in this short piece. The sadness of that happiness being lost and gone forever is a very depressing feeling to have.

Poetry is personal, but this is something I can relate to.

I read poems out loud, and this works well, spoken slowly. There are no awkward places. And the way it is written is consistent.

Well done and good luck going forward.


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21
21
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Cute story, an old joke, one I heard at university when studying my first degree 30-odd years ago. Making it into a sort of fantasy type story with the "old tome of doom" trope is nice conceit here, and it works for what it is.

Technically, some errors in direct speech punctuation and paragraphing, plus some changes in verb tense need looking at. It really does need a thorough edit.

I would also say there is a lot of tell here; more show could draw a reader in, could heighten the tension before the final denouement.

This is a fine story, and telling old jokes in new formats is always allowed in writing, so that's fine. It does feel a little rushed and subdued to me.


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22
22
Review of Bio  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
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While short, this is a good little poetic biography, perfect for a site like WdC. And it is something I am sure many of us here on this site can agree with - the idea of everything dancing in our heads leading to creativity, and, yes, keeping us alive, in a very real sense.

Really well done. Short, but perfect.


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23
23
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
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You have painted an interested and slightly creepy word picture here with your description of a dangerous denizen of the dark deep. The creature comes across as something to be avoided, so well done with your use of language.

I guess the issue is this is not really a story, just a description. Nothing happens - you just tell us about this strange creature. Even if you stick with the PoV of the animal, have it attack and suck the soul of an unsuspecting diver, which gives the work something for the reader to get into. Actions and character are needed for a story to work. As it is, it feels like a Wikipedia entry.

Also, is there something missing at the start? It feels like it starts halfway through a sentence.

There is definitely something here to be built upon. Good luck going forward.


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24
24
Review of The Good Old Days  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This came up on 'Read & Review' so here I am.

A very poignant poem. Unfortunately, I feel the "good old days" as you detailed them are still here too often. But looking at the good old days through this lens is very important, I feel.

Technically, "must of" should be "must have."

Now, as a poem... I read poetry out loud and this had a few lines that felt way too long. The line that starts, "Assaulted by the boss.." I feel would be better served being split at the full stop. It just felt awkward at times.

So, this was a strong poem with an important message to impart. I just feel some tightening up could help. Good luck going forward.


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25
25
Review of The Sock Harvest  Open in new Window.
Review by S 🤦 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
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I don't know if it was meant as such, but there was a definite hint of surrealism here, almost verging on the Milligan-esque with the concept, made all the better for the way it was played completely straight.

Technically, considering how much dialogue there is, one errant comma (she hugged him again, --> again.) makes this so incredibly clean.

On a more story driven idea, there was little to differentiate the brother and sister. At times they felt like the same character. You also repeated a few words close to one another without using it for emphasis.

However, the whole concept and the way they discussed things as they would because they know this way of life made for a really fun tale. Good job and good luck going forward.


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