Hi, Micaiah the Slayer
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Also, he was barely able to scrape by on his rent this month.
This sounds like he collects the rent and has to live on it. I believe he pays the rent. Perhaps wording of :
He was barely able to scrape together his rent this month.--?
His had crashed on the couch that night
Typo of --He--
and begun to give himself a cat bath when a knock
I think leaving this bolded word out would work. It's obvious he's a cat, and since we don't say --man bath--, it sounds odd.
A raccoon was standing in the doorway when he answered it.
This adds wordiness that isn't needed. Extra words. If you took the phrase out, the readers would still understand he opened the door. If you want to say it, try something simpler. Example:
-----He opened the door to a racoon.----
cleaning up the place. Realizing that he couldn't afford to be just scraping by on the every month,
These are extra words to be taken out.
"David Wilkins" David answered accepting it. He winced a little when he felt Marty's viselike grip
It would be safe to cut the bolded words because you show David taking his hand in the next statement. --vise like grip--
"Gee, I wish you had called before you came here. I would have tried to get the place ready."
The first bolded phrase could be tightened to --first.--
The second doesn't really show what he means. Try to say it exactly, --picked up--or --cleaned--
David gave him a quick tour of the apartment. He decided to accept the offer and move in. The next week he began to move is stuff in. He had a box full
Too many pronouns and the readers will begin to get mixed up, wonder which --he--it's talking about. Beginning with --David-- and following with --He-- appears to still be David. mention the other name at least at the first --He--, pronouns are okay if the name is inserted often enough to avoid confusion.
A typo of --his--
He helped Marty cram the last of it in his closet and got a glimpse of the type of clothes they were.
Since readers already know he's talking of -clothes--, it doesn't have to be repeated again. It could simply say --glimpse of them.-
Marty's only responded by saying that he needed a wide variety
--Marty--responded--will tighten the line and avoid more extra words.
he needed a wide variety of clothes to choose from in his line of work.
Try cutting this bolded phrase and decide if it's still clear to you. Readers will know this and it doesn't need to be told.
No matter how late he arrived at the apartment at night, Marty would always be up at the crack of dawn
Tighten up, this is pretty wordy. Play with the thought, but something like --he got home-- is clear and concise, and needs no further explanation.
That was about around the time David woke up. About around-- ten o'clock after this morning ritual he began working.
I suggest not putting so much emphasis on time. It pulls the reader from the story and makes them wonder about other things. For instance; how long did his walk last? It's a long time between crack of dawn and 10 o'clock. I shouldn't have to ask that question because it doesn't matter to the story, but by putting everything in time sequels, I have to wonder.
The first and second bolded areas are awkward repetitions. I suggest chosing one of the two words and cutting the other. They both mean the same thing. I also suggest cutting the second along with the time notes. It will be a tighter, smoother read.
He would then often disappear off somewhere in the city,
An extra, unneeded word.
he came back as late as after midnight.
Extra and causes a bump. Cut to smooth the line.
After an hour or two if it wasn't too late and he didn't get any more clients, he would come out and watch TV for the rest of the day.
The bolded line reads awkwardly and isn't important to the chapter. I suggest cutting it to cut down on the wordiness.
If this takes place after midnight, should --the day--be --the night--? He doesn't stay up all night and watch tv all the next day, right?
dressed in a waiter uniform and loading a revolver and slipping it in a holster concealed in his coat.
By connecting all these things with --and--, you've made a list. Lists are not fun to read. Try to write it more concisely, tighter. --uniform, he loaded a revolver and slipped it into the concealed holster.-- Readers will imagine where the holdster is.
Now the crime rate all throughout Geltempo City
or at least something that would at least temporarily stop the seemingly endless barrage of complaints that pored in every day
This line is fumbly to read, there are too many words to get through. Read it aloud without the red text and if you think it says the same thing you wanted to say, I suggest cutting those. Just work with it and decide how it can be said clearly with fewer words.
Typo of --poured--
but he had already left on his morning walk. So he began to make breakfast as he waited for him to return
Make it clear the last --he--is not the same as the first --he--by inserting Marty's name one time.
he was assailed by a blast of fowl breath and flecks of spit.
A good image! Yuck!
"I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO KEEP YOUR SNOUT OUT OF MY BUSINESS YOU ROTTEN RACCOON!!!"
I like the line, but using all capitols and more than one exclamation point is said to be a sign of the amateur writer. I don't know if anyone has mentioned it to you before, but avoid them.
to me fleabag, when that raccoon gets here,
Marty said he doesn't talk to any clients before 10 o'clock
"Now you listen to me reptile
"Now you listen to me fleabag,
Avoid repeating good phrases, they lose their power the second time. Be creative and make a second unique phrase. I like the tone of arguing. It shows them clearly.
He growled at him fully displaying his claws. He hissed at him and was about to
Repetition again. The first also has a image clarity issue. It sounds like his claws are displayed because he is growling. If the word --while--was inserted before --fully--it would be clear.
and was about to slam the door in his face when they both heard a voice
Ernie whirled around to see Marty
This scene is blurry to me. I saw Ernie looking into the room when he whirled around to look behind to search for the voice. Since David never said Marty was gone, I thought he was coming from his room, --down the hall--. The scene didn't clear itself as I read on.
some good news and no so good news for you, --a typo--
When Marty said that last part Ernie stepped back in surprise.
Which David would have preferred he didn't because it brought the lizard over the threshold and into his apartment.
Once it's made clear they are in the hallway outside the apartment, this area will be clear too.
a voice from the hallway.
paws in the air and stepped in the apartment.
--into--
The gun went with off a loud bang
The words are simply switched backwards.
The shot seemed to galvanize David into action. Popping his claws out, he slashed at Ernie across the face
Try to tighten this action up to build the tension. The words are good, but a few changes would tighten. I suggest cutting the bolded and changing --galvanize-- to --galvanized--. Read it aloud and decide if it's stronger. --It's a good scene!
a doberman cop in plan clothes
Try not using the identifyer --cop--here. It becomes obvious pretty quickly.
Typo of --plain--
a doberman cop in plan clothes and three other dogs in uniforms burst through
To my mind, uniforms identify them as cops clearly. Another good scene!
Ernie fell over and crashed into David's glass coffee table shattering
Readers know it is David's, so this could be called extra 'telling', something to avoid when possible.
She turned to Marty. "As for you, you got a lot of explaining to do."
"See," Marty said. "Told you I was messier than you are."
This shows they are all working together, so why didn't David know it? What explaining? I didn't notice he'd done anything out of the ordinary? Is this the hook for the next chapter?
Well Anya, You took your time getting here, as usual."
Again, the reader should know what the main character, or the point of view character knows. He expected her, I didn't. They don't need to know what the other characters know, but David hid something from the readers here. Will it be explained in the next chapter?
It's a funny idea to use animals this way. It's creative and not easy to implant the image in the readers minds. Since they act, move, talk and have the same emotions as humans, I had difficulty of not seeing them as humans. I was constantly having to put the image in my mind. Readers will find that annoying, I fear.
I also suggest working on the image of the setting. Trying to imagine the vertical divsion became difficult. I wondered if all that detailed living conditions is really going to be necessary to the basic theme? It wasn't necessary in this chapter. If a later scene requires a look under ground, it could be explained by the type of animal in that particular scene. For instance, a gopher is known to live underground. Consider cutting much of that eventually. While the action is going on, readers don't think of the location unless it's important at that point.
of David Wilkins the cat,
Perhaps if you showed him moving, meowing, and all that, you could cut the direct 'telling' of 'the cat' You think? Written this way puts a childrens book tone to the words.
David back was black and grey striped coat.
between his eyes.
You might decide this description isn't necessary, either. Truthfully, I thought no more about it as soon as I left this line. If it's needed, have someone refer to him as, that 'striped cat' or something. I really believe that it only adds to the wordiness of stuff the reader won't care about.
The important things are the action and tension. The plot and the action. 
Geltempo City was divided into three sections.
This is the area I mentioned. Think about what could be cut and what can be used later.
You have talent in telling a story, and this shows your creativity. With lots of work and practice I think it will be good.
You know you should completely write your story before you begin revisions, don't you? If you start piddling around with changing this and that too soon, there is danger of you becoming disheartened with finishing it.
Keep writing! You've a good start.
The rate signifies an average write with work needed.
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I'm going to read the next chapter and see where you take it.
