This popped up in a sidebar for me.
It's not a bad concept, but it's lacking in a lot of other ways, I'm afraid.
I'm not entirely clear whether this is meant to be an opening chapter of a longer story, or one work in a collection of short works. I don't know that it matters though, as most of what I'm about to raise applies either way.
> Clark, a tall, clean-cut young man with dark hair, is passing out flyers at the Student
> Environmental Conference in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil on a crowded pathway between exhibits.
> There are twenty students from universities all over the world helping him.
There is a kind of a catch-cry around here: "Show, don't tell". The paragraph above is all "tell". Rather than tell the story from the outside, it's far better to tell the story from the perspective of one character - or rather, one character at a time, as it's perfectly acceptable to switch perspectives between chapters or sections.
So here, instead of telling the reader that Clark is tall, clean-cut and at the Student Environmental Conference in Brazil with a bunch of mates, introduce all of that information along the way and from Clark's perspective.
Instead of telling us that he's handing out flyers, have him hand a flyer from the stack he's holding to a briefly-described punter and describe the interaction between them. Presumably he doesn't just jam flyers into people's hands - what does he say? What's their reaction?
Instead of telling us he's on a crowded pathway between exhibits, show us the exhibits from Clark's perspective and show us how the crowds affect what he's doing. Show us the crowd - what are they like? Show us what Clark sees, hears, smells and feels.
> Clark dialed a number on his cell phone, “Hey, Rebecca, looks like we’re going to have a
> good turnout for the presentation, five-hundred or more. You sure you’ll make it on time
> for the demonstration?”
Here there's a jump in the action. Clark has suddenly gone from handing out flyers to having his phone in his hand and dialing. In film circles that would be called a continuity error - or at least a jump-cut. It would be much better to show us Clark taking the phone out and perhaps trying to find a quiet place to make the call. Does he tell his companions what he's about to do? What does he do with the flyers?
> Rebecca, Clark’s sister, is eighteen and lying on the beach on her stomach in a bikini
> with her legs up in the air while holding a glass of wine. There’s a sexy Latino man in
> his twenties lying next to her who is kissing her cheek and ears. In the background, a
> group of musicians dressed in carnival costumes play Brazilian Jazz.
Again, this is all tell, tell, tell. We're told Rebecca is Clark's sister. We're told that she's eighteen. We're told that she's on the beach. Etc. I think it's okay to cut to Rebecca's point of view here, but again, it needs to be told from her experiential perspective, not God-on-high explaining the situation to us.
Your dialogue is pretty good here though.
> Jennifer Tatoka, a young Japanese woman, came up to Clark and said, "What-you-gonna-do-
> big-man-on-campus, show us a car that floats?"
More tell here, but there's more too...
> “Jennifer Tatoki.” as she extended her hand.
...you've changed her name.
> “You’re just what I need. If I give you fifteen minutes, can you give the same
> presentation tonight at 7:30? We’ve got about five-hundred people coming?”
> “Well . . . sure, alright.”
This doesn't ring true to me. If these two have just met, she agrees to join his presentation far too readily. Surely she would need convincing that the cause is worthy of her support?
> “Clark stood on the stage at the podium...
This is a very jarring jump cut. You need a clear scene break here - either a passage of time indicator ("An hour later, Clark was standing...") or a structural break - often indicated by a few well spaced asterisks:
* * *
> ... and wore a red and black plaid flannel shirt with his sleeves rolled up to the elbows.
"And wore" is wrong here. "And..." suggests a consecutive action. What you want here is a concurrent "action". "Clark stood... wearing..."
> A young women in blue jeans and a red and white striped T-shirt shouted from the audience,
> “Come on Clark, we’ve heard this before, what’s new?”
How does she know his name is Clark? He didn't introduce himself. You haven't indicated that his name is on display anywhere. In an international conference, it's unlikely she just happens to know him, without also knowing roughly what he's about to say. Possible, but unlikely. If you want it to be true, you need to make the link for the reader.
> Using some “Yankee ingenuity”, my sister Rebecca was able to video a secret conference
> headed by the Vice President and attended by top level executives from United States oil
> companies and an assortment of congressmen. Rebecca, roll’em.”
I already don't buy it.
> A crowded room in the basement of a government compound faded into view.
Now I really don't buy it.
> Those of you who have asked for anonymity can wear the face masks I’ve passed out.”
Now you're getting ridiculous.
> Ralph, a heavy set man sitting near the back of the room said...
How do we know his name is Ralph? Consistent perspective... none of the students know this man is called Ralph, unless you show us the name plate in front of him on the conference table, or tell us that he's recognizable as Ralph Whatsisname the Secretary of Whatever, or CEO of SuchAndSuch Corp.
> The President began, “The first lady said to me this morning, ‘Go get those
> environmentalists, Harry. I just love sunbathing on the White House lawn and if we had a
> sandy beach with the ocean waves crashing on it right here, I’d be in Seventh Heaven’,”
> laughter, then clapping.
Two years ago, I would have said this was completely unbelievable. Trump has rather redefined what's conceivable, but this still doesn't have the ring of truth to it.
> The honorable senator from Georgia...
Whom we recognize because...?
> “Naw, they’ll never get me, I’ll deny every word of it. And if they question me, I’ll say,
> ‘Ah don’t recall.” Tremendous laughter and applause.
Okay, we jumped the shark a while back, this is just Looney Tunes material now.
> When the video ended and the lights came on in the auditorium in Rio, a loud standing
> ovation erupted from the students that went on for several minutes. Then the crowded
> chanted, “Rebecca . . . Rebecca . . . Rebecca.”
After that show, nobody is going to care who shot it, or about flying cars. Every last one of them will have been streaming it onto the news sites and the President would be impeached by lunchtime the next day.
> The rear doors to the auditorium opened . . . the theme from 2001 space odyssey played and
> the colors of the rainbow swirled throughout the room.
That theme is Richard Strauss' Also Sprach Zarathustra.
> “Please, Please . . . this is no time to get carried away with ourselves. What I am
> proposing is not easy–nations and corporations will do everything they can to stop us.
And announcing it at a Conference like this is a sure-fire way of drawing all the wrong kinds of attention.
In short, you have an interesting idea, but the execution needs a lot of work. The characters aren't believable - especially in the "secret cabal" scene. The setting isn't well described. The situation isn't entirely coherent (although it has the bones of something usable) and the pacing is a bit all over the place.
The good? Your fundamental English skills are fine. What you lack is not in the spelling and grammar department, or at the high-concept level. It's the stuff in between - the stuff that makes story-telling story-telling as opposed to dry exposition - that doesn't work here.
My advice? Start again. Slow down. Put yourself in each of your characters' shoes and imagine how they would really react to each situation in front of them. Take the time to see, hear and feel things from their perspective and then show all of that - or at least everything that helps to paint a coherent picture - to the reader. |
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