Love it! I love the rhyme, the rhythm, and the content. This poem has a bouncy feel, like one of Mother Goose's nursery rhymes. Wonderful work, what more can I say? I will definitely be checking back into your portfolio looking for new work!
I like this. Your words convey your devotion to God extremely well, that being said I do have a few comments and suggestions.
What I liked
"Be as radiant as the sun,
Like the angelic armies above the sky."
I loved this, it's very descriptive!
What I disliked
My love towards you is like a gazelle.
It may just be me but this comparison doesn't make sense to me. I think I would change gazelle, but as I said...just my opinion.
Grammar
Spelling and punctuation are good, the only suggestion I have is the word "I" and all of it's derivatives should be capitalized.
For someone who is not a fan of this kind of poem you sure did an excellent job! I really enjoyed reading this. The words touched me, your punctuation and grammar seem to be spot on, and you held my interest. Again, very good!
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the whole poem overall, but especially liked :
" No matter how many times
You chop me down
I
Will
Survive.
For I am a willow
For ever I weep
Forever I dance
Forever I sing"
WHAT I DISLIKED
"I’ve lost branches and branches" this line just didn't seem to flow with the rest in my opinion. Maybe "I've lost many branches"? (Just a suggestion of course)
In the line For ever I weep For ever should be one word. As it is correct throughout the rest of the poem I know it was a finger glitch ( I have lots of those! LOL) I just thought I would point it out.
Thanks for sharing and keep up the good work! I really enjoyed reading this.
I love this! Very cute and thought provoking....although I will NOT be introducing this radical idea to my husband and son as I do not like that cold dip in the middle of the night when one of them has left the seat up! Wonderful writing, keep it up
Really I think you have an amazing beginning to what could be a great piece of prose, You might want to think about expanding on it some....as is it's a little abrupt. Not really enough there to really capture the readers imagination. As I said though it is an awesome start to something I think you could go far with. Keep up the writing, and if you do decide to go further with this piece let me know I would love to review it again!
I like your thoughts, and that's very true...real beauty comes from within. Good writing, keep it up!
I commented on a few things below...mostly just typos, I'm good at finding those unless they're my own!
defind defined
knowlaged knowledgeable
noone no one
kanda kinda or kind of
even the way she moves her appearance here I would rearrange these....."her appearance, or even the way she moves" just reads a little easier...and of course is just my opinion
This is good, plenty of description and feeling, I liked it. I made a few suggestions....just my humble opinion lol. Great work keep writing!
I feel strong or am i really strong.... you might think about changing this line, the flow is kind of off.....maybe just "I feel strong, am I really strong" not a major change ...it's up to you
he thought i cant move no where... If it were me I would drop nowhere from this, or else change it to anywhere....but it really doesn't need either
make be wanna burst... change be to me.....(typos...the bane of our existence lol)
One other thing, I would capitalize the word " I " throughout. You may have meant to leave them small...some people do. If that's the case write on! Just a pet peeve of mine. (It's the English teacher coming out in me lol)
Really good work, I am on to the next chapters to see what happens next! I really think you have a good story going. I found a couple of typos...we all have those lol, but thought I would point them out. We know what we are saying so never see them for ourselves. Keep on writing..this is great!
I raced out (of) the class room so fast;
I slowing walked down (slowly)
I could tell Kyle was bursting to ask. ( maybe add to this ex: bursting to ask me something)
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 9:44pm on Nov 14, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
