this poem has good potential the only thing is the form it has no line breaks start by breaking the line after every comma or end
of a sentence to show a pause it really helps the poem and the reader
example
If you aren't able to see fate standing there,
and death arrives upon his mare.
If ones soulmate suddenly dies,
do you spend eternity asking why?
Can another one fill those eloquent dreams,
building new ones much tougher than it seems .
Echoes of memories left undone,
is it a betrayl to find another someone?
Does the one gone depise the one new?
Is the living lover worthy of two?
Are we limited by,
not our hearts but our minds?
To think we only get one chance to find.
Can there only be just the one?
Is that kind of love only once done?
I like this poem there's a lot of good imagery here
the only thing I would do different is break the third
line
example
Battles being fought in the silence of ones mind
Beyond the grasp of ones control
The silence is deafening as it overtakes
the cracks you try to mend
Alone in a pit of your own despair
good poem but the form needs just a little work
like line breaks so that it doesn't read like a story
instead of a poem
Here I sit vigorously trying to escape
from behind these crimson bars
of doubt and shame
With yet another thought and looking
for someone else to blame
Tears fall from my weeping eyes dropping
to the dirty musky floor like acid rain
Can you hear me why don’t you answer
and how can you not see my pain
The echoes of my call flow out
me like sharpened daggers opening
up the wounds I closed off and
left untreated
I like this poem very well written I would just break
a couple lines example
Even the brick wants to be something.
Don’t call me a brick;
My goal is more than sands and cements
in water fastened.
Look all around, you see what I can be.
I like the imagery you have here I also like the story this poem tells I
would break a couple of the lines example
Lightning ripping the clouds apart
As my anxiety echoes through
some unseen part of the house
The rain compliments the running
joke of my doubt
The light from his words shine
through the cracked screen of my phone,
And makes the negativity dissipate
He left remnants of his opinions
in the fissures of my brain
Breaking apart the silence
with his slender skeleton hands
That I hope to hold onto someday
Thoughts of the future as bright
as my laptop screen
Reminding me that it's nearing 4 A.M.
Telling the lone wolf and little
ghost girl that it's time to go to bed
I really like the flow of this poem and the way it sounds
some line breaks would make it easier to read example
I once stand atop
a mountain,
No ocean I see,
Only the breath
of sunlight across
my view,
Such a shallow hill,
I find myself alone,
The sky compresses
the air making it thick,
Falling to my knees,
All strength fades,
I like your poem it reads really well the only thing is I would add
line breaks
example
Wanting desperately to fit in,
You’ll stop eating to become thin.
If you’re not thin, people will laugh
at you and call you ‘fat’,
Once you’re thin,
people will stop and chat.
Of course, you cannot be too thin,
that’d cause people to dislike you,
They’ll blame you for making them look fat,
those strangers you didn’t even knew.
I really like the imagery in this poem the words you use are great
the only advice I have is some of your lines are short and some are
real long adding line breaks gives it a cleaner look and its easier to read
example
Give in to the voice of obsession
Feed the spirit within
Pray for the longing to forgive
Tear down your walls,
your layers of protection
Expose the hidden deadly truth,
lie naked and exposed among
your twisted reason
Laugh wildly as the darkness
seduces the senses and pushes
you past the breaking point
you have some great imgery here the words you used are great
the only thing I would change is adding line breaks it makes it look cleaner
and easier to read example
Gratitude Again
To Mountainside
Down, Throughout,
Surrounding, Encircling Within,
At Surface and at Core.
I love you Mountain!
Simply. Expansively!
Viewed from
Point-of-the-Mountain,
,And Valley Floor,
There.Ancient Emergence
of Elements Compounded,
Not unlike Flower from Seed,
You've sprung...
I like the depth of this poem its a good start
but the lines are all uneven and it makes it hard to
follow if you clean it up add line breaks it would
help a lot example
It's true what they say
about the soul searching the soulless seek,
In their solely time to sell the soul
they don't have to make their conscious clean.
When facing Death they bow down in fear
and sing the songs the canaries chime
as they chase Death into the Coal Mines.
Death takes each for their reason,
but leaves all equal.
No judge to weigh their fate,
No jury filled with hate for the guilty or the blindness of their bias.
this is a really good description of desire and
very sexy to the only advice I have is breaking some
of your lines gives the poem a more clean even form
example
I tried to tell her stories
that I hope she could envision.
But all she has is visions
of herself face down
with her ass to the ceiling.
Stories about life and fate,
and if there's truth within
the promise of religion.
And how we only reach heights
once we receive society's blessings,
as if we need society's permission.
But then I look at her body
thinking to myself,
I like this poem and it was starting to make a neat shape but
that one long line looked out of place just break that one long
line and this would be a perfect poem
example
So Embrace who you are,
Manifest your dreams.
Show the world what's inside you
Because you have so much more
to offer than what it seems.
The future is everlasting
The past- filled with our annotations
As the present is being penciled in.
You are powerful in this world;
This world is so grand.
Don't take a seat,
Make a stand.
I like where you are going with this poem
you describe being a child well here
the only suggestion I have is adding line breaks
makes for a easier read example
Children whisper their dreams
to their imaginary friends.
They play pretend.
They dance they sing.
They affirm their stardom.
They declare their stardom.
I like the emotion felt in this poem the lines would read easier it you broke the lines
after the commas to show the reader to pause example
Your friendship is not second place,
it isn’t consolation
I really do not have a problem
regarding our relation-
-ship and yet,
this dream of mine,
to be The One for you
I sometimes think it influences
all I think and do
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