You mostly do a wonderful job with rhythm and rhyme in this piece-however your last stanza completely throws off the rhyme. (What is "fit" supposed to rhyme with?) This piece rings true in a lot of relationships-especially with younger audiences who are just entering into first relationships. The length on this poem is perfect, and so is the imagery of you and your boyfriend "discussing" a physical relationship. It's very believable. Great job!
Spelling/Grammar
Then things started to change
You weren’t the same
You’re words of affection
Changed to words that sting This whole stanza needs to be reworked so that it fits in with the rest of the poem. The rhythm is off and "sting" and "same" don't remotely rhyme. Also the word "sting" seems forced. By changing the rhyme completely you could rework this thought and make it better.
When I felt down "Felt" should be "fell."
Plus, change the rhyme in the last stanza.
Favorite Lines
It beats against
My hollow chest
I want you too
But not like this
I think this stanza shows a lot of emotion-a lot of underlying feeling. Everyone wants it to be special and full of love-and this comes through perfectly in this stanza. Great job!
Suggestions
Just make some corrections and a few alterations. You've got a great sense of what is important in a poem-and that is a wonderful thing to have! Great job!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1122828 by Not Available.
While I find this poem very ironic and sardonically humorous in some parts, I think that you made it a little too short. You have a great idea going on here-a great image, and a wonderful message that you want to get across. However, you only allude to a couple of things that have happened-and while I love the references to Letterman and Oprah, I feel that they are a little impersonal and should be "detailed." By adding little idiosycricies of the world, you've done a wonderful job of making this poem political-but I would love to see more explanation and even more examples.
Spelling/Grammar
No spelling or grammar errors-I love your format.
Favorite Lines
Dick Cheney shot him in the face For obvious reasons I loved this line. But I also liked it because it kept reminding me of the Colbert Report.
Suggestions
This poem has wonderful potential to be humourous and sarcastic. Just needs to be a little longer and more detailed. Now, it seems more like an outline. Great idea!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1122828 by Not Available.
This is very sweet and sorrowful. I love the image of this tree being alive only to cry for existance. I think your rhyme is fine-some of the rhythm is a bit forced however. This poem has a nice flow, and has leaves the reader in a good place towards the end. I can almost hear this tree singing-great job!
Spelling/Grammar
The sad part This is a little informal for the rest of your poem. Although it's not really incorrect, it does something that messes up the rhythm a little.
But sorrows I'm afraid is all it'll bring. I would change "it'll" to "it will" for the same reason as "the sad part" above. It isn't incorrect-but it's better to have the rhythm a little off than it is to make the poem sound choppy.
Is the ever soft rhythm of their falling tears. I would take out "ever" to make the rhythm better.
Favorite Lines
Never hugged or kissed good-bye,
I like this line because it's portrays such a deeper sorrow. Lovely!
Suggestions
Great poem!! Very original!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1122828 by Not Available.
Lol!!! I love the ending. Sorry, had to add some sort of *laughing*! This was a very funny piece. At first I wondered, "what are you talking about?" But as I continued on, I realized that this was all part of the tone of the work. You might want to make some of the words just a little less flowery, so that "humble readers" like me, don't get too confused-but by all means, don't ruin the theme. Great job-I thought this was very creative.
Character Development (if applicable)
I would say N/A to this-as it has some things to do with the piece-but it is really the flow of language that makes this piece humorous.
Spelling/Grammar
Take out some of the passive voice. It is a little much-even if it does add to the tone.
Also, your first sentence has too many similies in it. Take out one of them-I suggest the first one.
Some of your verbs are off. IE-Manage should be managing. You might want to go back and check.
Favorite Lines/Quotes
Pleading for empathy to his resolve the perpetrator yields his debate. I thought this was hilarious.
Suggestions
Go back and make it a little more understandable. Otherwise, very cute.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1122831 by Not Available.
This is one of the strangest stories I've read, but I have to say it caught my interest, and I loved it. I especially love the beginning paragraph: you learn so much about Jenny from such minor actions in her daily life. Just her routine and her background (as we are taken through her childhood) is a perfect sculpture in itself. I love the whole analogy between "genius" and "genie." I think it really is something to think about. Great job-the ending was so weird. It made me cock an eyebrow-but at least it was original.
Character Development (if applicable)
This was the best part of your whole piece! Not only did you make Jenny come alive in the first two paragraphs of your story, but you even made her parents very real and complex. With such a short story, it is hard to even make the main character emotionally complex, but you did it even for your minor characters. Great job!
Spelling/Grammar
No spelling or grammar errors that I could find.
Word Choice/Description
I would have liked to see a little more of the convention, maybe. But I think think that your descriptions were all-around wonderful. Especially when Jenny is five or six and just learning about sculpture-I love that whole description of the lights and mirrors. Lovely!
Word Choice/Dialogue
Not much dialogue-but clear and concise where there was some.
Favorite Lines/Quotes
Today Jenny would bring honour back to the art form. I like this line because it's a bit of foreshadowing and happens to be incredibly ironic by the end of the piece.
Suggestions
Lovely work- you are very creative!!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1122831 by Not Available.
This story is very well done when it comes to characters, plot, and setting-however, the way it is set up is a bit confusing. I understand that some of the grammar problems are supposed to add to the tone-which is great. But, some things are not orderly, and confuse the reader. You start talking to us about "Bill and June." But then, you start throwing in "I's" in he middle of paragraphs. Even though I understand who's talking, it is only from going back and reading throug that I can be sure. You need to stick with either first person, or third person-you can't keep switching back and forth. I'll give you an example of what I mean: Bill sighed. She only wanted to natter for a bit I 'spose. You switch back and forth like this all through the story.
Also, if you are going to make it first person, you should use something split it up when you change point of views. Paragraph splitting is fine, but don't mix June's thoughts with Bill's.
Otherwise, your plot was wonderful, and I especially liked your ending. It reminded me of landing smoothly in an airplane. Great job!
Character Development (if applicable)
I have to say that your characters are wonderful! They all have complex emotions and feelings-they have little quirks that make them, themselves. Great job! I especially like Bill-I think he has a much deeper emotional structure than any other character. Lovely!
Spelling/Grammar
Other than point-of-view problems, I didn't find any spelling or grammar issues. Great job!
Word Choice/Description
Your descriptions were very good. I would have liked to see more "showing" rather than "telling" but overall the setting was very nicely portrayed! Good job!
Word Choice/Dialogue
While the dialogue sort of got mixed up in thoughts, etc, I still love how everyone's speech is different from the others. Especially Bill-you always know when he is talking.
Favorite Lines/Quotes
Every time he passed the bank he laughed at the thought of Tom handling all that cash. I love this line because I think it says a lot about Bill's personality. It made me laugh a little bit too.
Suggestions
I would just go back and read it again and see if you want it to be first or third person.
This was a great story and has wonderful potential. Good job! Thanks for visiting my forum, if you have any questions feel free to email me!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1122831 by Not Available.
There were great descriptions in this piece! I think that you portray the sorrow of your main character especially well (and you show it, not tell it!). There is one thing I don't understand about your writing though. You have a lot of ''s around your words. Most of them don't need to be there. Using italics or just leaving the word alone is enough. The reader is usually able to figure out what needs to be accented. I would go through your whole story, and take them away from anything that isn't dialogue. Otherwise, great piece. I really enjoyed it!
Character Development (if applicable)
Your main character is wonderfully portrayed. They are very complex, and that makes it more interesting for the audience. Especially in the end when he is being pulled into "the dead," he still remains true to himself, and you can hear a little hint of worry and anxiety in him. Great job!
Spelling/Grammar
In the beginning you keep switching between "me and you" and "me and her." You need to choose who you are talking to. Either way is fine, but you need to make it uniform throughout.
Also, take out all 's.
Word Choice/Description
Those descriptions in the beginning were wonderful!! I would like to see more description towards the end, but you do a great job of letting the reader get a feel of the characters' surroundings. Lovely.
Word Choice/Dialogue
Good dialogue. There isn't much in this piece, so not many comments. Just watch out for spacing. Remember, it's a seperate paragraph for each person that is talking.
Favorite Lines/Quotes
Asking me if I was coming over for dinner like I did every week because it was Tuesday pizza night I like this because it shows how badly her death broke up the routine that had made him so comfortable. In reality, this is what death does first: makes us realize our routine is broken. Great job!
Suggestions
Go through and change the grammar errors. Otherwise, good job! And thanks for visiting my forum!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1122831 by Not Available.
I really love the description in this piece, and I love the idea of someone being safe in their little "lined box." However, this piece lacks a story line. There is no visible plot here. By creating a great character and a great setting you have gotten over the hardest part of writing a story. Now all you need is a plot, and this would really work. Maybe if your character was destined to kill the beast, but was too cowardly to do so? Etc. But I would pursue this story-it's got great potential.
Character Development (if applicable)
I love this character! I think my favorite part about them is their false sense of security, and the fear that comes out little by little. I love the thinking in this piece, the tension that seems to come from the main character him/herself. But see, I don't even know the gender of your main character. This is a problem that comes from a lack of storyline.
Spelling/Grammar
No spelling or grammar errors that I could see. But avoid cliched phrases such as, "All I can say."
Word Choice/Description
Great descriptions as always. Your description of fear was phenomenal-especially at the end when the main character wakes up in a daze and then gets struck by terror. Wonderful!
Word Choice/Dialogue
No dialogue.
Favorite Lines/Quotes
I realize that my foot slipped in my slumber and that my toes grooved a small trail across the line to the right of me. Such a little mistake could cost our main character. That's why this is my favorite line!
Suggestions
Go back and come up with some twisted plot. Well, okay, maybe not twisted. But I would love to see some sort of great storyline here.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
While I love the idea that you've played around with the format in this piece, there are two critical things that are missing to make it work. The first thing is-a strong set of characters who all have distinctive personalities and backgrounds. While you do have a lively cast of individuals, the reader is not really invested in any of them. We don't even have a very clear idea who the protagonists and antagonists are. The second thing needed to make this format work, is a clear plot. While you have many different scenes represented by **********, they are not really linked together into one, strong story. By the end, we understand what everyone has been doing, but the question you need to think about is-Why do we care? So, by making the "vingettes" a little longer, you might be able to clear up your plot, and give the audience characters to identify with.
Character Development (if applicable)
Especially in a story this short, it is hard to have many indepth characters. You have tried to do something new and different, and while I commend you for that, you have give up your characters in the process. We know who everyone is, but we don't really have any feeling for who we want to win. We only know by their actions who is who. Your characters lack a little spunk and personality in this piece.
Spelling/Grammar
No spelling or grammar errors. Good job!
Word Choice/Description
In every story I've seen so far, you've done a wonderful job with description. It must be your favorite thing to write. While your characters lack a certain "roundness" your descriptions are both full and robust! Great job with that-your passion for describing things comes through in this area.
Word Choice/Dialogue
What little dialogue you have in this piece is both realistic and fits with the characters. Good job! However, you might want to add more to give us an idea of your character's personalities.
Favorite Lines/Quotes
My favorite part in this piece is the "strip" that links your first three vingettes together. That is so perfect for your format, and really drags the reader into the piece. If you did this throughout the story, it would be awesome!
Suggestions
I feel like you were a little timid when you were writing this. Your scenes are all very small and short-by making them longer you could create a better plot that gets resolved in the end, and more complex characters. All in all this was great writing-but the plot itself was weak. This was almost more of a scene from a play, rather than a whole story.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Wow! First let me commend you for your wonderful imagery! It made me shudder to think of such a painful transformation! I love that you don't leave anything out in your description of "The Change," but I wonder how this takes the form of a short story-as it really is just a description. Anyway, it's a good ending-I like the thought of this creature just stalking the woods until he finds his prey (preferably children, right?) Thank you for such great images!
Character Development (if applicable)
We know how the character looks while he is undergoing the transformation and afterwards. However, beforehand we only know that he had blonde hair. We don't know about this person's life at all, so we can't really feel for him, or pity him in any way. This leaves the reader a little neutral about the main character. We, in fact, don't care if he lives or dies (or neither) through the ordeal.
Spelling/Grammar
Mouth still gaping, his eyeteeth grow into fierce elongated canines and the thick blond hair that was on his head blackens and lays sleek around pointed ears that slide up towards the top of his head, the new lightly furred skin of his face stretching grotesquely before there is another grinding snap and his jaw dislocates and juts forward as do his prominent nose and cheekbones to form a muzzle. Woah! Long sentence. Needs to be broken up into at least three or four different sentences. (Oh, and don't be afraid of commas and periods. I noticed many ",,,"s. You don't have to do that to create a flowing paragraph. In fact, periods do almost the same thing!)
Other than that, no spelling or grammar issues.
Word Choice/Description
This was obviously my favorite part. You have so much clear description that I could almost feel myself changing over!
Word Choice/Dialogue
N/A
Favorite Lines/Quotes
The slime clears and a white residue solidifies and forms a new skin…a better skin This was such a nasty and disturbing image, that it just had to be my favorite!
Suggestions
#1. I would go back and see if you can't make a real story out of this. Meaning, give this character some background and something to work for. Maybe his goal is to make everyone in the world like him, etc. That way, he's got a story, and not just a description. #2. Keep writing, you have apparent talent!
Thanks for visiting my forum!!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Wonderful imagery! You start out strong in images, and end strong. I also like your format in this piece. It is easier for the audience to read, and also lets us take in one word at a time. However, somehow I wouldn't call this a short story. There really isn't a plot or very in-depth characters. In fact, I think this is more of a prose poem.
Character Development (if applicable)
Like I said above, because this is more of a poem than a story, we don't really know much about our characters except that they are in love. We know that they are in a passionate sort of love, and we see them in one scene only. Other than that, we don't get much of a sense of them.
Spelling/Grammar
The only thing I'd change about your spelling/grammar is this- would glimmer should be changed to "glimmered" so that it's not passive voice. Otherwise, no errors!
Word Choice/Description
As I mentioned, you have wonderful imagery. You are very good with flowing words-but all the words you chose had a sentimental quality, which makes them more poetic and not necessarily fit for a "short story." You did wonderfully with your verbs and adjectives, though. Not too many "lys". (I would warn you though to watch out for cliches. You seemed close to hitting on a couple of them during your piece.)
Word Choice/Dialogue
N/A
Favorite Lines/Quotes
We could touch the diamonds in the velvety darkness, from amongst the
droplets of the fading amethyst rain.
Your first line is my very favorite. It has such lyrical quality! If you made this into a poem, it would be one of those lines that make poets famous. Great job!
Suggestions
I would say to try and format this like a poem, and see if you like it. Otherwise, great writing and thanks for visiting my forum!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I like this poem for its little story. I love the ending, but I don't think you should make it sound so surprising (putting the exclamation point at the end would be more powerful as a period, in other words.) I love the fact that you take a familiar feeling and put it into perspective for your readers. You do a great job showing what one does when they are lonely. Great job! [/c}
Spelling/Grammar
Okay, this is the thing. Poetry can be done wonderfully with strange twists on grammar, etc. Your poem has some incorrect capitilization in it that I really love (i.e. The Crying), but it's a little too random. For example, if you were to capitilize "The Crying" for its importance in the poem, then you might also want to capitilize "Loneliness" because it shares the same power as "The Crying." Also, I don't understand the quotation marks in the poem. You don't need any of them. All of them can be taken out.
Other than that, your spelling and grammar are fine.
Favorite Lines
I can't bear
This sound of loneliness.
I love the "sound of loneliness." It's such a powerful image. (Though, I still think you should capitilize loneliness to make it a more powerful word.)
Suggestions
I love this poem, but I think you should back and rethink your punctuation and your grammar. Great writing!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This poem is too short. Although some short poems convey power and authority, and really get their point across-when I finished reading this one I felt a little let down. I could see the leaves, but I didn't really understand their importance or what you meant in the ending line. I understand that nature can be honest, and open, and blunt-but you don't reveal any of those emotions in your poem. You just say "nothing is concealed." I would love to see either more description or more reflection in this piece.
Spelling/Grammar
No problems, persay, but I don't like the use of "for" before "nothing is concealed." For is one of those words that was used as "because" in the olden days and therefore can be used in antediluvian poetry. However, this poem seems very modern up until the point when I see that word. I think "because" would work just as well-if not better.
Favorite Lines
My favorite part about this poem is the format that you stick to. The powerful one word ending. I do love that (so I would stick to that even if you do decide to make this poem longer.)
Suggestions
Besides the ones mentioned above, I would go back and think about what makes autumn leaves so special to you. While I get the jist of their beauty in your poem, I think you don't make the poem personal enough so it falls a little flat. This could easily be overcome if you lengthened it.
Anyway, you are a great writer!!! Keep up the wonderful poetry and thanks again for visiting my forum. Come again anytime you want something reviewed!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This is great! This is something everyone can relate to-trying to be something everyone wants us to be. I love how you've taken metaphors and turned them into universal truths. Great job!
Spelling/Grammar
No spelling or grammar problems-however, just a suggestion: you might want to change Atlas to "an atlas"-that way the capitilization doesn't take away from other things in the poem.
Favorite Lines
They tell me to be a bottle,
holding in every emotion.
I tell them I am a door,
opening only to those with my key.
I love these lines because they end the poem well, and because they are so profound! Great job!
Suggestions
Great poem! (Add more to your portfolio, and I'll be happy to review them! Also, I would suggest going to WDC FAQ and learning about bitem format. It's an easy way to plug in your items easily. Great job and write on!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
You told me in the forum that you didn't like this piece, and I have to say I don't know why!!! This has wonderful imagery, and shows us a little love of land! Perhaps, you might like it better if you changed the format of the poem. If you broke up the lines more accordingly, it might seem more like a story-(not just something you wrote for a contest ) I have to say, this is a great piece of work. There are a couple of things you could fix to make it better-but all-in-all it's lovely!
Spelling/Grammar
You could break up your poem like this. Instead of I am the one who has come to Nebraska to try my hand at taming this land. I stand on the hill to survey my domain.
You could do something like this:
I am the one
who has come to Nebraska
to try my hand at taming this land.
I stand on the hill to survey my domain.
This makes it more of a poem and less of a description. (Just a suggestion though.)
Also, I don't understand the line where you say I amthe one who runs to the river my wife. Do you run to the river? Or to your wife? I think it's just a typo.
Favorite Lines
Very moving lines- I hold her while she cries and watch our possessions, memories, life crumble in ashes. A very powerful picture.
Suggestions
I loved this poem, and I think you should reconsider your feelings on it, too. It's a great piece of work-just work it around until its your favorite piece! Thanks for visiting my forum!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I understand the story and the extended metaphor and I like it-however, it's a little cliched. I'm not sure that I like the O..in the beginning. If you just started out with my mind, it might make it a little more powerful. But that's just a personal preference and suggestion.
Spelling/Grammar
Theses should be these
Favorite Lines
Behind these old walls of lust, lies, and depression.
Suggestions
Great work, Write on!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I love this poem! I think that even though you are basically spitting out words, it works verywell for the subject matter, and for what you are trying to convey. You also portray a missing love in a very good light-the audience can understand how genuine your feelings are.
Spelling/Grammar
I would usually go through and correct your grammar-but I like the free style of this poem, and I don't think correct punctuation would work. I think you have it set up wonderfully.
Favorite Lines
Feelings silenced
In my mass of emotion
Great lines!
Suggestions
None, great job!/c}
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I only have good things to say about this piece. Not only are your rhyme and rhythm perfect, you have chosen exact, clear words to describe your goal as a child, and what the reader should see through your eyes. I was charmed by your use of childish language (although the poem itself is full of elegance!) and your ability to create a wonderful, imaginative land pays tribute to your storytelling skills. I was thrilled by the Queen mother, by your magic sword, and by the adventure which I experienced with you all throughout the piece. Thank you for giving me the honor of reading and rating this poem-it's a pearl!!!
Spelling/Grammar
No grammar or spelling problems. (You don't know how refreshing it is to say that!)
Favorite Lines
He sprayed his poison cloud of rot
The vapor took my sight.
I staggered now in darkness thrust,
My magic blade I had to trust,
I swung with all my might.
This is my favorite stanza for two reasons. The first reason is imagery. Without straying from rhyme or rhythm, you truly compose a magical experience and land-I can see exactly what this child is doing, and what his goal is. The second reason I love this stanza is your choice of words. Not only do you create a wonderful "line" of poetry, each individual word lives up to its potential. "Sprayed," "poison," "staggered," and "thrust" are just some of my favorites. (I love a good action verb!)
Suggestions
My only suggestion is to keep writing! It is such a wonderful thing to find a writer who can portray a lovely story in such a short piece of work (and who shows such passion in their work!) Thank you for being such an asset to the writing community-great piece! (Sorry about that anony. 1 rating-I've had a couple of those "hit and runs" too.)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Your beautiful C-Notes made me hungry!!! Lol These are lovely, and perfect for wonderful occasions! I was just browsing, and noticed how beautiful your c-notes looked. I will certainly be back if I ever need a "yummy c-note!" Keep up the your great devotion to WDC!
While a good story, and with lots of good imagery, I wonder at the words you chose for such an aggresive and powerful piece. You create an image of death and gore and fighting. Of blood and warfare and constant motion-but it is only in your adjectives do we see that image. The story is a good one-it is intriguing and fun to read: but you're word choice throws me off a bit.
Character Development (if applicable)
I DO love the character. I love how he thinks to himself while taking on a worthy foe-but I also love the sense of a passionate warrior that we get from him. He loves what he is doing-whether or not it is gory and dangerous.
Spelling/Grammar
My thoughts reeled, I was already working on instinct. My thoughts reeled. I was already working on instinct. Much more powerful. Or even: My thoughts reeled; I was working on instinct. You are quite the comma hound.
Garom reared and his front hoofs took several soldiers in the face Hoofs should be hooves.
They had come from nowhere and I was surrounded before I knew it. They came from nowhere and I was surrounded before I knew it.
Surely an army couldn't be crossing our lands unmolested this way if the King knew already!Woah!! Back up! You should seperate this into more sentences, maybe. I think the "this way" can be taken out altogether. Surely an army couldn't be crossing our lands unmolested! Our King must have known already! Or something like that might make this easier to read.
Word Choice/Description
My staff connected hard with the head of one soldier, and flowed into the nose of another, as my left hand jetted flames in to a third. My body moved in a flowing motion with my horse beneath me; constantly shifting my balance ready for the next strike of staff or fire. At the beginning of the piece you use verbs that don't describe the situation at all-and this throws me off. Towards the end I notice that you get better with hard and aggressive words-but in this paragraph you seem to use light words. Such as "flowed into the nose of another." I wouldn't like that even if this was a fluffy piece. Maybe switch "flowed" for something like "crashed" or if you want somethig more elegant (and more "in-slow-motion") you could use something like "Broke the nose of another." (Oh, also-I noticed now that your "in to" after flames should be "into" one word.)
Also, "brief breather" in your third paragraph doesn't sound right. Alliteration is fine and everything, but this is a story, not a poem. You could substitute "short" for "brief" or "pause" for "breather", etc.
Word Choice/Dialogue
Not much dialogue, but I do think his thoughts are important to the piece. I like that he's thinking right in the middle of all the fighting, and that he's thinking about things that are vital to the story's plot.
Favorite Lines/Quotes
War was coming!A great way to end a very short piece-powerful and intriguing.
Suggestions
Other than what's mentioned above, I would just go over the piece once more and make sure that what's happening actually ties in with the adjectives and verbs you use. Great writing!! Keep it up!! (And thanks for being the first to visit my review forum!)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
You show real emotion in this poem. Just by the repetition of the word pain, you describe a feeling that is both poignant and real. I really love how the reader is drawn to your sorrow, to everything that has been happening to the writer. The only thing I would suggest to make the content even better-is to be a little more specific. In classic poetry, emotions tend to be vague and ambiguous-but in a poem where sorrow dominates, it is always better to let the reader in and give them specifics. For example, when you are speaking in the second line of each stanza-blood, dirt, etc, are vague, whereas bleeding heart, dirty mind, etc. (Remember these are just suggestions, so if you don't like what I'm saying, ignore!)
Spelling/Grammar
No problems here. Just one little suggestion--your rhythm is quite good in the poem. But in the last stanza you say, Opening myself as normally as always. Maybe to make the rhythm even cleaner, you could take out the first "as."
Favorite Lines
This is easy! These were my favortie lines that struck me with the most power. (In fact, these are the lines that make the reader think throughout the rest of the poem...) Breathing the lonely free air/
With nothing to lose and nothing to gain.
Suggestions
Other than what I've mentioned above, I don't have any real suggestions. I love the emotion and flow of this poem-and I LOVE the repetition (it is a very powerful tool when used properly). Keep up the great writing!!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I don't want to use my template for this as it's more of a "rant" rather than a story/essay, but I definitely want to give you my two cents on it! I completely agree with you on the Mexican Wall. Not only is it expensive, crazy, and completely against American ideals, it's almost too isolationist. I personally think that its telling the world that we only care about ourselves. However, I don't agree with you about Arabs. I think that as a country, we need to have tight security, without closing of our boundaries to ANYONE. Our problem is that we don't have any sort of SYSTEM at all!!! We need set rules that will be carried out to the highest degree, and enforced by people who actually have some intelligence. Anyway, I could go on for years about things like this.
I love rants. They make you think.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/taryn
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 5:33am on Nov 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
But I would love to see some sort of great storyline here. 
Thanks for visiting my forum!