I really enjoyed this poem/song. Favorite part by far is the line "We were confusing bullets for butterflys." Great imagery, and brilliant to use as the title. The one thing I will say is that this will resonate not just with young people, but old as well. Even people later in life go through this periods where they think ending a relationship is the right thing to do, just to find out too late what they've lost, or realize how much they've hurt the other person. So very well done!
Wow, this was a very interesting read. I was riveted by the story. It seems very genuine, especially in how non-chalant the narrator is in talking about the situation; they don't seem to judge, they just tell what happened. The only thing I have as a criticism is I'd like to know more about what happens with the narrator and Paublo. Definitely the beginnings of a strong short story. If you take the time to craft it, you could create a fairly powerful novel. It's obvious that if Paublo is a real person, he's a sociopath. Very well written!
This would make a good song in the 80's, as the visuals are very well developed, but ultimately make very little sense. One thing I will say is that the word "permitting" isn't one you hear a lot of in music. If the person who sings this has a British accent, it might work well. So I'm thinking you should consider sending this to Duran Duran, as it fits their style.
This was a very interesting read for me. The things you write about are genuine and thought provoking. The thing that I would say is that writing can help you do the things that you are wanting to do. You can create characters with traits that you wish you had. Reading can also acheive this, you can step into someone else's life, learn from them, share their adventures and heartache. If the words you've written are heartfelt, I highly recommend you keep writing, as over time it may provide you with that which you are seeking.
I'm impressed with your ability to tie together simple words that evoke feelings yet avoid being trite. This piece touched me on a personal level. It's very straightforward, well written, and concise. The four paragraphs meanings are strong: goodness, evil, conflict then hope. Please continue writing, you will reach people.
Short, sweet and poignant. I liked this nursery rhyme very much because of the symbolisms used. My assumption is that this echo's something that happens in your daily life. Sometimes the best way to convey one's feelings is by presenting them from a parallel viewpoint, which you've acheived here. I look forward to reading more of your work.
I like how this writing includes some clever wording, such as "threaded webs deceive my mind" and "kicked deep down something this darkness knows." Minor suggestions would be to swap the word 'crushing' in the fourth sentence for the word 'stealing' and using the word 'crushed' instead of 'squeezed' in the first sentence of the second stanza. Another minor suggestion would be to swap 'pounding chest' in for 'heartbeat' in the last sentence. I really enjoyed this piece, keep writing!
I thought this was well paced, and is very relevant to current events, so it has a fair amount of consumer appeal. The only real critique I have is I'd recommend changing the last stanza. As a reader I'm happy to hear that Ken and Mike are able to keep working, but it wraps up a little to neatly, and the last sentence's wording is a little tricky to decipher.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/the_maharishi
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 10:03pm on Dec 26, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
