TheGary's (thegary) Reviews

TheGary

Review Requests: OFF

171 Public Reviews Given

274 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

Honest. If you want fluff, there's plenty of 'encouraging' groups to ask.

I'm good at...

Detecting plot and character issues in relation to the story.

Favorite Genres

Horror/thriller, drama, fantasy.

Least Favorite Genres

Romance and erotica

Favorite Item Types

short stories

Least Favorite Item Types

Shallow stories or poems about love and/or loss.

I will not review...

poetry, erotica, or romance

1

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#4358502

Review of The Ballad of Donald Trump and the Angel

Review by TheGary

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

This is a terrific and subtle satire that would make even Jonathan Swift proud.

The POTUS to be is visited by Hilary Clinton in her true form, encouraging him to run for office.

Already laughing at the not too subtle jabs at the American public's easy manipulation via the liberal media and social networking, I further enhanced the comedic effect by re-reading it imagining Meryl Streep singing it from her mansion home in Canada between bites of caviar with a silver spoon and squashing thousands of underprivileged people she never associated with underfoot.

A couple of my favorites involved omitting 'illegal' from the quote about his stance on Mexicans, hitting like a hammer the media manipulation theme. Another was the stanza showing the gold-digging attitudes of the women who allowed him to grab them in a sexual manner. I almost fell off my seat laughing.

My only criticism would be that you didn't make note of the crying masses rallied against him while the rest of the country voted or the red herring of the Russians rigging an election already being rigged by the Democratic Party. That would have put this over the top as a political satire.

I despise Trump and think he's a bullying blowhard, but you have shown such love for him that I now like him a little bit more. This fits the theme because the media's lies did the same thing back in November.

Great job. Keep up the good fight (maybe another nursery rhyme about the BLM movement?)

*I rarely award 5 stars, but this one earned it!

2

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#4202507

Review of Challenge: Can you read what isn't said?

Review by TheGary

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

The piece itself:

I am not sure if this was meant as an essay, a poll, or just a stream of consciousness. It only works, on some level, as the last. You pose the question and then some examples, but I never felt there was any explanation or viewpoint to defend. It reads like "I learned something you probably did not."
The line, " And if you don’t know what it is about you are either very young (which raises the question, should you even be reading this? Or you’ve led a very sheltered life and need to get out more." really is an insult to readers. If they don't get what you are saying, there must be something wrong with them? too young, too introverted? I can tell you that there are more plausible and excusable explanations than just these two. And, even most people who 'think' they get Ravel's piece, are more often than not incorrect.
There is a lot of potential for this to be an introspective piece, but it is far from that right now. You may want to decide exactly what it is you are presenting and adjust it, accordingly.

The content:

It always amuses me that people think Ravel composed Bolero as an erotic piece. It's not. Ravel composed this as a ballet based on the Spanish dance, Bolero. Musically, it's catchy, but not very well done. Even Ravel said this on multiple occasions. He was never proud of it, despite its great success. He didn't even bother giving it a proper title. Bolero is a generic term for the tempo of the dance (or composition). The working title was 'Fandango', another rhythmic dance.
In the 70's and 80's, during sexual awakenings in society, people started seeing it as erotic. This was because of its pace and climax, and a certain Bo Derek movie of the same name (but not a translation of Ravel's work). The same was said of Zeppelin's Stairway To Heaven and a slew of other rock songs.
To find 'clues' about the theme of Bolero, one need only read the title. A modern equivalent would be if a pop star made a song titled 'Dab'. If one isn't familiar with the Spanish Bolero dance, just imagine yourself in a ballroom experiencing the grace of a beautiful dance as it climaxes to an ending that might feel erotic in the moment.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

3

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#3951161

Review of Truth or Dare

Review by TheGary

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Disclaimer: Thank you for sharing your work with the community of writing.com. The following is a review to discuss my personal viewpoints and impressions. Any and all criticisms should be taken in the spirit they are offered: to assist you in improving both this piece and future endeavors.

Title: It is good, but I think you should choose one that hits more on the story's plot.

Characters: The three characters are all well-drawn, dynamic, and left me feeling some empathy for each. Great work.

Spelling/Grammar: Thank you for presenting a well-edited piece. Not much for me to give you here, but I did find this:

Then, before Jayce could think what to do next. She ran towards him and kicked him in the head.. This should all be one sentence, broken by a comma after 'next'.

There are also a few typos that I am sure a read-through will help you correct.

Construction: All elements in place and in proper order. Nice work.

Suggestions:

You need a stronger first paragraph. Hook the reader if you can. A description of him standing alone on a hill and information on the collar would normally keep me from reading paragraph two.

"I wish to express my gratitude," said Nym. "Moreover. . .," she said, "I believe this action may also be making happy in itself." You shopuldn't double tag sentences like this.

Overall: This is a well-crafted story that needs little work. I particularly enjoyed the presence of the catalyst character Nym. She provided some good humor that kept the piece lively. Keep up the good writing.

Best regards,

G

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

4

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#3949742

Review of A deer in the road

Review by TheGary

Rated: E

| (2.0)

Disclaimer: Thank you for sharing your work with the community of writing.com. The following is a review to discuss my personal viewpoints and impressions. Any and all criticisms should be taken in the spirit they are offered: to assist you in improving both this piece and future endeavors.

Thank you for honoring me with a request for a review through the review request system. It great to see new users utilizing all the tools at their disposal.

Title: Love it. It connects the inciting incident of the character's accident with what is going on with his life. The symbolism is excellent.

Characters: First problem is that your protagonist has no name. Names are powerful and help the reader connect with him/her. After the read, all I can say is, "Look what happened to some guy." The secondary character, the nameless daughter, is not developed so the protagonist's inner conflict isn't brought to full fruition. Give them more interaction so his revelations at the end have more impact.

Spelling/Grammar: My standard statement here is 'run it through a spelling/grammar checker', and I'll leave it at that. Errors are minor, like O instead of oh. I would also reconsider exclamation points. Strong narration will usually eliminate their need.

Construction: In a short story, the peril for the protag should be set up early (within the first two paragraphs). The reader isn't interested in too much fluff, otherwise they would pick up a novel. Everything else works well.

Suggestions:

Less fluff - There are too many instances where the reader is taken away from the plot to give lengthy descriptions of scenery that aren't necessary to the story.

Confidence - Have the narrator give stronger statements. Here's an example: The stream, small river really, gurgled nicely. Since the story is in the character's POV, the prose shouldn't hedge. it IS a small river. There are a number of similar instances.

Thinking - I used to make the same mistake...people only think to themselves, they don't think to other people (unless through telepathy). So you shouldn't use 'thought to himself' for a dialogue tag.

Now he could try to flag down a car and get a tow truck out here. Since the next paragraph is him knocking on someone's door for help, this sentence is irrelevant, therefore useless.

Overall: I like the premise. A father coming to terms with his daughter growing up is sad, sentimental, and always a good read for many. With some added depth to their relationship, this could be powerful. Once you've had a chance to work on this, send me an email and I will be happy to reconsider its current star rating.

Best regards,

G

An aside: Since you are a newbie to the site, I will offer you some advice that helped me a ton with my writing: Look up Elmore Leonard's ten rules of writing.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

5

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#3934364

Review of Wanderer's Desert Race against Saoirse

Review by TheGary

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

Hello Jakrebs

,

I am reviewing your work as a judge for "CLASH! "

[13+]. The following are all my opinions for you to heed or discard as you please.

Character:

What I like: Your character is altogether unique, beyond all the others I read for this tournament. He is captivating.

What I'd like to see improved upon: A little less enigmatic description. There is simply too little foundation for the reader to relate to.

Story:

What I like: I enjoy the way you set him up for the race without all his magic. This will leave him vulnerable and the reader will be guessing all along when and where the council will give some back for his use.

What I'd like to see improved upon: Present tense...it is not a good way to read a story.

Good luck in the tournament.

Best regards,

Gary

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

6

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#3934356

Review of The Assignment

Review by TheGary

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

Hello Weirdone-Back in the games

,

I am reviewing your work as a judge for "CLASH! "

[13+]. The following are all my opinions for you to heed or discard as you please.

Character:

What I like: The character sketch is informative and to the point. I prefer them like this so I can take only the basic information and learn the rest of the character in the story.

What I'd like to see improved upon: I was unsure of the point of the religious background. It made me expect some allegory or spiritual conflict in the story.

Story:

What I like: I like the dynamic of the brother vs brother conflict.

What I'd like to see improved upon:It's pretty solid as is. The only thing I found off-putting was the way the computer went from robotic to humanly conversational.

Good luck in the tournament.

Best regards,

Gary

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

7

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#3934354

Review of Audition: A Massive Risk

Review by TheGary

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

Hello ,

I am reviewing your work as a judge for "CLASH! "

[13+]. The following are all my opinions for you to heed or discard as you please.

Character:

What I like:The fact that the main character is a child.

What I'd like to see improved upon:I would have liked the character 'sketch' to not be a story on its own.

Story:

What I like:The excitement and exuberance the character gives me as the reader.

What I'd like to see improved upon:The prose is too heavy on the adverbs.

Good luck in the tournament.

Best regards,

Gary

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

8

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#3891957

Review of Keeper of Secrets

Review by TheGary

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Disclaimer: Thank you for sharing your work with the community of writing.com. The following is a review to discuss my personal viewpoints and impressions. Any and all criticisms should be taken in the spirit they are offered: to assist you in improving both this piece and future endeavors.

Title: I like it. Fits the story and has mystery to draw in readers.

Characters: Little is needed to flesh them out, and the minimalistic approach is good for a story this short. If you decide to lengthen down the road, I would try and draw the two women out more.

Spelling/Grammar: A couple of typos and a punctuation error. Not much, and I'm sure you will see when you edit.

Construction: The story is well-constructed. All aspects are clear. It builds, doling out little tidbits that don't seem out of place or forced. The ending is predictable, but I'm not sure there's a good way around that. I enjoyed the dialogue between the two women and Tasha.

Suggestions:

The first line should be spoken by two different people. It read odd to me that she asks and answers her own question.

It seems that Sandra should know more about Tasha's history. I don't see any social agency not giving her all the info she needs to succeed in her altruistic endeavor.

Overall: I think you've presented an excellent read for a young audience. Good luck in the contest.

Best regards,

G

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

9

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#3837685

Review of Audition: The Hunt

Review by TheGary

Rated: 18+

| (3.0)

Hello Noyoki

,

I am reviewing your work as a judge for "CLASH! "

[13+]. The following are all my opinions for you to heed or discard as you please.

Character:

What I like:
He's got a lot of originality. I like the concept of the orange speck signifying his magical ability.

What I'd like to see improved upon:
Seems implausible he could keep his secret. The fleck of orange would be a distress signal to a people who felt the need to kill all the elementals out of fright. They'd be on guard for it.

Story:

What I like:
Grammatically sound. Always appreciate the effort of a decent edit before submission.

What I'd like to see improved upon:
The prose is too heavy with adjectives and adverbs.

Good luck in the tournament.

Best regards,

Gary

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

10

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#3837003

Review of CLASH!

Review by TheGary

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

Hello ,

I am reviewing your work as a judge for "CLASH! "

[13+]. The following are all my opinions for you to heed or discard as you please.

Character:

What I like:
Lot of heartache to explain what she became.

What I'd like to see improved upon:
'You might say', 'You could say'. It's the writers job to show it.

Story:

What I like:
The clever way she finds out about the chalice.

What I'd like to see improved upon:
I'm not sure you know the meaning of the word sociopath. \Alex is not one based on the narration. That aside, we need more good in her to be the hero of the story.

Good luck in the tournament.

Best regards,

Gary

11

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#3836995

Review of A Thief and a Mission

Review by TheGary

Rated: 18+

| (3.0)

Hello ,

I am reviewing your work as a judge for "CLASH! "

[13+]. The following are all my opinions for you to heed or discard as you please.

Character:

What I like:
His need for revenge gives us a clue that he loved his family, as disfunctional as they seemed to have been.

What I'd like to see improved upon:
More depth to Taizveras (or however his name was spelled.)

Story:

What I like:
I always enjoy a good haggling.

What I'd like to see improved upon:
Make me root for the protag. Also, I got a little lost in some of the action. Re-read and edit, taking care to also lighten up on Krashev's speech issues. You sounds just like yoo so I wasnt even sure why it was necessary to use it.

Good luck in the tournament.

Best regards,

Gary

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

12

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#3836556

Review of Dafyd's introduction

Review by TheGary

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hello Weirdone-Back in the games

,

I am reviewing your work as a judge for "CLASH! "

[13+]. The following are all my opinions for you to heed or discard as you please.

Character:

What I like:
I like the simplistic nature of Dafyd. Pretty much what you expect from a child hero.

What I'd like to see improved upon:
The same thing I enjoy also detracts from Dafyd. He needs some flaws (or at least one) to make him feel more real.

Story:

What I like:
The innocence.

What I'd like to see improved upon:
I'd like to see the characters struggle more to resolve conflicts.

Good luck in the tournament.

Best regards,

gary

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

13

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#3836105

Review of OCT Audition: The Reading- Part 1

Review by TheGary

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

Hello ,

I am reviewing your work as a judge for "CLASH! "

[13+]. The following are all my opinions for you to heed or discard as you please.

Character:

What I like:
There is a lot of mystery surrounding the character, which will help keep the reader hooked to see his fate.

What I'd like to see improved upon:
While mysterious is fun, there needs more detail about his past. Why is he not himself? Why is he running?

Story:

What I like:
The character has a strong presence. The reader isn't overwhelmed by too many secondary characters or useless actions in the background.

What I'd like to see improved upon:
I'm not sure I can take a story seriously that focuses on Tarot-like card reading. You might want to use your imagination to come up with a different game for him to play. Your readers will appreciate the effort.

Good luck in the tournament.

Best regards,
Gary

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

14

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#3835989

Review of Audition: Introduction: Besa

Review by TheGary

Rated: 18+

| (3.0)

Hello Slave2Writing

,

I am reviewing your work as a judge for "CLASH! "

[13+]. The following are all my opinions for you to heed or discard as you please.

Character:

What I like:
Besa has a good background for adventure. There are a lot of ways to go with her.

What I'd like to see improved upon:
You describe her as having 'a general air of self-confidence', but then say she doesn't feel worthy of much. These descriptions conflict.

Drop the clothing section. There's little need for a wardrobe inventory.

Story:

What I like:
There's strong emotional ties between Besa's situation and her son.

What I'd like to see improved upon:
I'm not a fan of present tense. It reads amateurish to me, like the author doesn't feel confident in relating the story as it happened.

The magic is too convenient. Why wouldn't she have used the spell before she was captured.

Dirt and/or sand in the eyes would not blind a person permanently.

Good luck in the tournament.

Best regards,

Gary

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

15

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#3824297

Review of Painter of Dreams

Review by TheGary

Rated: ASR

| (3.5)

Disclaimer: Thank you for sharing your work with the community of writing.com. The following is a review to discuss my personal viewpoints and impressions. Any and all criticisms should be taken in the spirit they are offered: to assist you in improving both this piece and future endeavors.

Title:Doesn't really shine. Needs a better hook

Characters:They are interesting in concept, but there's simply not enough info on any one to really know them.

Spelling/Grammar:Reads pretty clean. I appreciate the effort on a first draft.

Construction:I'm trying to understand how everything links in this. This amazing thing that happens almost demands to be the focal point of the story. However, a chunk of the story is about her emotional breakdown. The tie-in at the ending doesn't really link back to anything else, though. What is the significance of her seeing the landscape when she is dying?
I know there is a strict word challenge, but I think you can cut about 200 words to work with on the next edit.

Suggestions:
“It truly is a fascinating phenomenon,” Dr. Galen was saying said

though Dr. Reil still was not sure... I'd suggest using contractions as a way to cut into that word count. I know it's not as pretty, but in 2,000 word restriction I think you can sacrifice some of the literary concerns of using them.

He felt soft moss give way under his feet, and he could smell the earthy scent of trees, water, and soil. Soft moss gave way under his feet. The air smelled of trees, water, and soil. ---- Quick descriptions are best. The longer a reader is reading a description, the longer he/she is away from the plot.

Only the scene really changed – one a nighttime desert with a starry sky, another a meadow in a forest, another a dim wetland with fireflies dotting the view, and others, all lovely.

I think you can see my main theme here is word-cutting. I'll let you work on it and I bet you gain enough to do what you need.

Overall: I like the idea of a magical creation through art. Your descriptions are very sensory-driven and I got a good feel for the 'reality' of the landscapes. I think once you are able to connect all the dots, this will be a very enjoyable piece.

Ask me in chat for any clarification or to have another look after your edits.

Best regards,

G

16

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#3746872

Review of For Honor's Sake

Review by TheGary

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Disclaimer: Thank you for sharing your work with the community of writing.com. The following is a review to discuss my personal viewpoints and impressions. Any and all criticisms should be taken in the spirit they are offered: to assist you in improving both this piece and future endeavors.

Title: Short and to the point. It's powerful and should draw readers in. Great job!

Characters:I think you did a great job with the characters in the small amount of space you allotted to them. However, with the word limit being 2000, you can expand them more to really draw out the emotions the situation deserves. Right now, the resolution doesn't really work for me because the reactions don't feel real or true to the characters.

Spelling/Grammar: No major flaws, but there are some typos and questionable word usages. I think a couple read-throughs and you will pick most of them up.

Construction:At the basest level, it is well-done. Just below that though, you have some long sentences that should be shortened for impact.

Suggestions:

The deed had been done, and Everett knew that his wife would find out someday. --You need a better hook for your opening sentence. When I read this, first thought I had was, "The real action already happened. All I get is the epilogue." You also give a blatant clue to the reader about the wife's knowledge. I think letting the protag and the reader sweat it out will keep them interested longer.

The story immediately bogs down with extraneous description. For a short story (and I'll argue even for longer pieces) you need only describe what is important to the plot. Keep the action going and the reader won't find a place to stop and reconsider if the rest is worth their time.

You must have used some form of the word cry or crying ten times or more. This is unnecessary and gets tiresome to the reader. Choose a point in the story where the tears will have the greatest effect and get rid of the rest as the reader can assume the tears continue to flow. Tears alone don't create an emotional response in your reader; the situation that causes the tears does.

I will get into more detail on minor issues if I can manage to make the chat review, which I have every intention of doing. Let me address your specific requests:

1: Ways to show and not tell what happened more and with better detail.

The answer to this is simple and works when writing any story. Avoid adverbs. If you are using an adverb or other modifier, chances are good that you are telling instead of showing. Your story doesn't suffer much from this. I think, for the most part, you are showing.

2: Ways to illuminate the reader more on the actual happenings of the crime.

Simple answer: Start the story there. Nothing draws the reader into your plot better than putting them in the middle of it. This will also give you a chance to give them a glimpse of the antag so they have someone to root against.

It's not technically a crime. Just want to make that clear. Nobody goes to jail for cheating on their spouse.

3: Ways to get into the more technical nature of NEC code and such without boring the readers.

Is this important? I don't think so. The bottom line is that she had something on him. No need for minute details because they aren't too relevant. I think you've given enough to make it clear at this point.

4: Ways to show that the story takes place in America earlier on.

If you start the story at the point where the woman is blackmailing him, you can easily find a place to mention this. She can threaten to go to the local authorities. "I will contact the New York City Building Inspector if you do not comply with my wishes." You could also use some inner dialogue. "Is this how all women in America behave?" The specifics I'll leave to you. There are too many ways to even touch on in a review.

Overall:

I think you have a great premise here. It's a common theme with a twist, which is always good.

Since the word limit is 2,000, I think you should consider using more of that to build characters and draw out tension. This will also give you a chance to add the scene where the actual event takes place, making the reader a part of it from the get go.

Best regards,

G

17

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#3713309

Review of The Last Hunt

Review by TheGary

In affiliation with The Storytellers

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Dawn Embers

,

I am reviewing your story as the winner of week 6 of "Invalid Item"

. This is a nice morality story with a strong message for young readers.

Title:The title works on a superficial level. It fits the storyline and is short, but I think it could be strengthened to draw more readers in.

Characters: The characters are interesting. I'd like to see you expand this story to develop them further. I'd like to see how their actions are dictated to them through their beliefs. For a piece this short, I think you've done them justice, however.

Story structure: You've constructed this story well. The reader is hooked, a conflict established, and a twist and reveal lead nicely into the resolution.

Suggestions:

He hadn't meant to yell but Mino had caught a rabbit in a trap. --Two things. 1)There was no yelling action. You should add that as an action instead of reflection for more impact. 2) When you connect ideas or actions with the conjunction 'but', they should have a direct relation to each other. I think you understand the concept and just didn't make the connection clear enough. '...but Mino set their dinner free.' might work.

"Don't cry boy." He placed his arm around Mino's shoulders to comfort him. --Since you told us he just yelled at him, the dialogue here comes off a little different than you mean. It's clarified somewhat, but it's hard for the reader to change his initial perception. Perhaps an indication of his attitude softening before the dialogue would help. This would also help you eliminate the telling 'to comfort him'.

Her eyes were the most beautiful sapphire color, like the waves of the ocean combined with sweet lyrics from a lute. -- This is a little too poet-y. You almost pulled it off on me until 'lyrics from a lute' since lutes don't technically issue lyrics but notes.

Ivy pulled on his shirt...--This through me off as the pronoun 'his' doesn't fit. The object of the sentence is established as Ivy.

My biggest plot argument is the believability of the husband/wife scenario. As beautiful as Kothm's wife is, she is portrayed as an animal. He meets her because he is hunting her. This would equate to a hunter falling in love with a beautiful of a deer. It's...awkward. Perhaps more of their story needs revealing to create a realistic relationship.

I think this is a very good story. A few minor edits can make it marketable to a young audience. It has a strong moral ala Aesop.

Keep up the good work,

G

18

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#3686341

Review of Rules Of The Street

Review by TheGary

Rated: 18+

| (3.0)

Hello again dejavu_BIG computerprobs

,

This is review 2/5 of your gifted package. I hope this helps.

Title: I'm not sure if it's right for the story. The theme is more about survival than rules. It still works, though.

Characters: There's only one character and he's also th narrator. He could be fleshed out more. As is, he's a common street thug with a little heart buried deep inside, but there's not enough of either to really feel for or against him. Giving a character a name can go far in helping a reader become a part of his/her ordeal.

Structure: The conflict doesn't arise until very near the end so there's little dramatic tension building up to the almost immediate 'climax'. Some dialogue may help to fix the 'telling' nature of the story and also help to build upon the character.

Likes:

There's a lot to like about this piece. The prose is dark and the senses are sharp.

Favorite line: I’ll be glad to hook up with him for there is safety in numbers. Ask any wolf in the pack. -- This says a lot about the narrator's frame of mind.

Things to improve:

I stopped abruptly ==The story changes tense here.

Dialogue is powerful. You need some interaction with another character to let us see the narrator as others see him.

Instead of telling us how he stares people down, just show him doing it. This can be used for a number of different things.

Overall: I like the raw material here. It needs to expand beyond 'flash' and move into a true short story to bring it to life. The premise is very strong and merits it.

Thanks for your work on this. I can't wait to see where you end up taking it.

Best,

G

this review is gifted to you from your
> secret Santa from

Invalid Item

This item number is not valid.
#1696124 by Not Available.

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#3686309

Review of Pumpkins And Long Johns

Review by TheGary

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hello dejavu_BIG computerprobs

,

I am reviewing this item on behalf of Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)

. This is review 1/5 from a package gifted to you. Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)

regrets being unable to do these, herself, but life has gotten in the way. I will do my best to replace her, here.

Title: It's cute, short, and poignant. Excellent!

Characters: The Sedgwicks are funny and easy to relate to. Married couples tend to let the little things build up until it all explodes over something trivial. This comes out through these characters with believability. I had trouble rooting for one or the other, so I settled on the narrator, instead. I think this was the intent, so good job. The narrator doesn't really expose much of himself. In fact, until the last paragraph, I'd determined it was a female. You may want to give him a name early to make this clear to the reader.

Structure: The elements are all in place. Conflict is easily identified early and resolution is satisfactory; no magic or illusions used or required. The denoument is quick and pleasing, both good things for a flash piece.

Likes:

I enjoyed the use of the pumpkin as the catalyst for their discontent; their lives in microcosm.

The interaction between the couple is believable and humorous, without sacrifing the gravity of the situation: impending divorce.

Favorite line:“I was in them long johns when she did it.” He exclaimed. --Gave me a terrific chuckle.

What needs work:

There are some mechanical issues that many grammar/spell checkers should grab for you. Here are some examples:

physcologist --psychologist

“The Grandchildren love my baking ”She explained. --“The Grandchildren love my baking, ” she explained.

The story would be stronger with less clever tags on dialogue. A good thing to remember is 'said disappears'. When you use clever tags like 'she flashed', the reader is drawn to the tag instead of the dialogue and/or the movement of the plot.

Some of the description is unnecessary, particularly in the first paragraph. If you just say they could pass as Mr. and Mrs. Santa Claus, I think the reader will be able to fill in all that is needed for them to continue.

Adverbs added to dialogue tags should send up a warning to the writer. "Your narration hasn't carried the action." Eliminate the adverb and replace with an action to 'show', instead.

Overall: I really enjoyed reading this. It's lighthearted, yet meaningful, with colorful characters. Tightening up the mechanics will make this a gem.

Thanks for sharing this with the community.

Best regards,

G

this review is gifted to you from your
> secret Santa from

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#3680316

Review of Boldness wins

Review by TheGary

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

Bonnie

,

Title: I'm not sure it fits. It sounds good, but your protag doesn't actually display boldness. In fact, she tells us that she's been passive for a long time. Then, she learns of her husband's cheating only after he's convinced her he can be trusted.

Characters: Olivia is interesting. You provide us with inner thoughts and a firm grasp of who she is. Her main problem is that she isn't a heroine. In fact, the pregnant girlfriend (a tool with little to offer the story except to villify Tim as a cheater with a pregnant girlfriend), is more a heroine than your protag. If not for HER boldness, Olivia is stranded on Clueless Island.
Tim is not well drawn. He is a stereotype of every woman's fear--all that's missing is a black hat, twirling moustache, and train tracks to tie Olivia to. A good bad guy is rarely all bad.

Structure: Kill some commas. Many sentences are burdened with them when a period/new sentence is appropriate. I will identify a couple for you below, but you need to look for the other instances.

Suggestions:

Your quote of Hugo at the beginning needs proper formatting. Put it in quotes and then hyphen or ellipses before attribution. I would also italicize it.

The New England coastal town of Mareport filled with visitors seizing the day and taking with them the last vestiges of sunshine before the northeast winter hit them with a vengeance. -- The sentence is overly long and made me ask questions: Did it fill as she watched, or was it already filled with people? How do they know these are the last vestiges of sunshine (New England weather doesn't typically follow a calendar)? 'with a vengeance' seems extraneous to me.

longing. A perfect scene ...-- It should be all in the same sentence, although I found the perfect scene phrase telling and would consider letting the description carry the sentiment.

Work held no interest for her…-- Another 'telling' sentence. Also, not sure what the ellipses are there for.

..promises, they...--Delete comma.

The time came to issue...-- 'It was time to issue...'

The outcome of that discussion could change their marriage—one way or another. -- Not could--would.

her own realtor company -- I believe 'realty' is the proper word here.

Using the picture for physical descriptions is a bit cheap. I would either weave it into the story.

This kept her busy for twenty minutes. -- The phone ringing kept her busy that long? No, it must have been the conversation that ensued

jolted from her reverie -- you used this just a few sentences earlier.

Olivia decided to for go for a run

The thought of her seven-year marriage ending terrified her, but as she neared home, she began to relax as she had a few hours to herself. -- Period after her, then new sentence; eliminate the 'but'. 'she relaxed' instead of began to.

dinner- Let's go; the --{b{ Replace the hyphen and semi-colon with periods. Three stand-alone sentences.

Her pregnant belly pronouncing her --If this is going to be a stand-alone sentence, it needs to be 'pronounced'.

Overall: This is much improved from the first time I read it. A good writer is willing to learn and grow and you have proven that you are capable of this. I think the premise for this story is strong and will appeal to a large female audience. Keep editing and I expect this to be terrific.

Best,

Me

21

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14 days may be credited.

#3667333

Review of Time stood still

Review by TheGary

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hello Ohmy,

I came across your story in the Review Request page and want to offer what I can to you.

I am not a professional writer, editor, or publisher, but I like to think I know a few things about what I like to read. Please take my suggestions in the spirit they are given: to help you improve in the craft. That being said, feel free to ignore any and all of them

.

Here goes some technical stuff:

half full ---half-full

The gentle rocking of the half full ferry moved her body but she felt nothing. ---Comma after body would be correct. My feeling is that you don't need the conjunction. Just make it two sentences. This would heighten the importance of her not reacting to the movement.

“This is wrong” screamed her inner voice. ---I want to use this to point out two things. First, the common error in dialogue tagging.

This is wrong, her mind screamed.

Notice the comma placement and the non-capitalization of the following 'her'. I don't like the 'screamed her inner voice'. It's less poignant than my suggested change.The other point I want to make is the use of italics to indicate inner thoughts. This way the reader is aware that is what they are and doesn't confuse it with actual dialogue. You can tag it the first time (don't italicize the tag) and then from then on, when the reader sees italics, they will know it is the thoughts of the character.

The dour business men heading home heard nothing, lost in the study of their newspapers. The rowdy school kids teasing each other remained engrossed in their banter. ---If they heard nothing and had no reaction to anything in the story, there's no point to this paragraph. When writing short stories, you can't afford all the extraneous words that don't drive the plot.

And no one had paid attention as the slightly drunk man in a dishevelled suit had staggered along the row of seats and sat right next to the girl. ---And is a conjunction that shouldn't start a sentence or paragraph except in rare circumstances. This isn't one of those. Beware the 'had' word. It so often makes a sentence 'passive'. It puts the reader outside looking in instead of making them part of the action. I also don't like the No one noticed. Surely, the girl noticed. If not, then you've taken the reader out of the current POV.

thigh to thigh ---thigh-to-thigh

...when we get to the terminal”---Period after terminal, but before the closing quotaion mark.

The girl was torn in two. ---Passive sentence. Can make it active by phrasing it "The words tore the girl in two."

...muttered, “No ---Comma inserted.

“Go away!”. ---The exclamation point (shudder) closes the sentence. It's best to avoid exclamation marks as the action of the character should indicate the excitement level.

There was nothing. There was everything. ---This is fine as is, but I think would read better seperated by a semi-colon instead of a period. Provides a stronger connection.

Pale, she walked out cautiously. ---I believe this is called a nominative absolute. Pale has no connection to the rest of the sentence.

Her heart sank. ---This should start a new paragraph. It's also a bit cliche.

On edge, she glanced back to see the ferryman from the wharf hurrying towards her. ---'On edge' is a telling line. No need for that if you show us that she's on edge by an action.

Your specific requests:

Tension: I think you did a good job with this. The reader must continue reading if he wants to learn her fate. Some extraneous words should be cut to help drive this more, though.

Dialogue: I think the character can be developed with more dialogue. Particularly, dialogue that tells us more about who and what she is. Her thoughts help this, but her reaction to the stranger's touch is generic.

Pacing: The story moves along well enough, but again, I think extraneous words could improve it.

Characters: I think you did a good job on the protagonist, but she could be fleshed out more. The antagonist is too stereotypical. What seperates him from every other drunk pervert?

I know you said you wanted (gentle) feedback. I hope I was able to give you that despite my honesty. Starting out, that request is fine, but if you want to go anywhere with your writing, you need to look for critical reviews as this is what a writer must deal with always. I encourage you to keep writing as this is how we improve (that and reviewing others).

Best regards and good luck with your future writing endeavors,

G

22

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14 days may be credited.

#3631256

Review of The Hollow Keys

Review by TheGary

In affiliation with The Scribes

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Title: It's functional and fits the story. Has some mystery enough to pull a random reader in.

Characters: Protag is well fleshed out for his purpose. No extraneous details thrown in. I like that.

Structure: All elements in place and flow into each other nicely.

Spelling/Grammar/Formatting:

mammoth door has stood.

But Lief’s mouth

clean.
He ---Needs another space between paragraphs.

“Tell me. Are you willing to do whatever I ask?” ---“Tell me, are you willing to do whatever I ask?”

What. What did she say? ---What? What did she say?

“Yes you can. ---“Yes, you can.

this.
Fingers --- Paragraph spacing again

brother John? ---Brother John?

Suggestions:

The monastery perched, like a bird of prey, waiting for a mouse to creep up. ---I like what you are attempting here, but the verb 'perched' keeps throwing me off.

Seated on a low bench was a girl about his age ---How old is he? Not knowing this takes the imagery away.

Her voice was like a winter breeze, stinging his flesh. ---Excellent! My suggestion would be to reorder the sentence, tho. Her voice stung his flesh like a winter breeze.

as brilliantly white as the rest of her. / Behind wings of dark lashes hid eyes like black pools. ---You see the contradiction here?

swallows. Birds of every color ---No need to fragment the second sentence. Use dashes or something to indicate the pause you desire.

Nine cages for each of the other scribes. ---This would be better if it was his inner thought instead of narration.

Lief just watched, no longer surprised by her cruelty, and numb to the horror. --- Try something like: Lief watched, no longer surprised by her cruelty-- numb to the horror.

Overall: A terrificly horrifying story. Tightly written with few glaring errors. Great job.

Best regards,

G

23

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14 days may be credited.

#3621128

Review of The peaceful monastery

Review by TheGary

In affiliation with The Scribes

Rated: E

| (2.0)

The Good:

You have a good premise here. Once you flesh this story out and fix it up, I think it can be a good read.

What needs work:

1- Formatting. Seperate paragraphs to indicate change of action, speaker changes, and such. One long run-on paragraph is a tough read for anyone.

2- Punctuation. Missing in a few places. Improper use in others. I think some of these will be rectified when you fix the formatting.

3- Capitalization. Proper names should be capped

4- Structure. This story should be about 1000 words long so you can add the neccesity of dramatic tension and character building. Make us scared for the boy(s) by letting us into their psyche. Build up the tension so we hang on every word and eventually have a strong reaction to the ending.

I want to welcome you to WDC as well as the Scribes. I hope your stay here brings you growth and enjoyment. Keep writing: Only by practice do we learn.

G

24

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#3611433

Review of CHARLIE HEART

Review by TheGary

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Charlie,

I'm doing an overall review of your WIP. 18 chapters to this point. I had an email from you forwarded to me from a friend. As is my standard reaction, I was dubious. Here's what I have for you so far:

Title: It's just your protag's name. It's a clever name, but I would prefer a title with more OOMPH! Don't change it yet, though. When the first draft is done and the dust is settling, go back and see what you come up with.

Characters: Brilliant. Charlie Heart is a bastard, yet you manage to make me root for him. He's dynamic. From page one you started transforming him. Secondary characters aren't as well-developed, but they are still miles above what most writer's do with them.

Spelling/grammar: Finally, we come to a weakness. Here is a quick list of things you need to focus on:
1) Dialogue tagging. Look up the proper way to do this. It's minor and can be overlooked by members on WDC, but any publisher would toss your manuscript into the trash at the first tag error.
2) Improper word usages: loose should be lose, their should they're and other common errors of the type.
3) Quite a few passive sentences, but in the length of the piece, its altogether not overwhelming.
4) Need to work on sentence and paragraph structure. Misplaced commas, run-on sentences, improper paragraph breakage.

Story structure: So far, near flawless. I love the way you break each chapter off with either a witty remark or a foreshadowing of what's to come. Every event in your tale is important and leads into the next event of the story. Keep this up.
The mystery keeps deepening with small clues that sometimes let the reader draw his own conclusions without feeling fooled when they veer into another direction. This is good.
I was hooked from the start and found myself feeling disappointment when there was no more to read. I have never had that happen while reading a piece on WDC. Finally, I didn't get that feeling of disappointment caused by the work, but instead by the unfinished ending.

Voice: The story is told in first person POV. Usually, this is done because an author is afraid to put him/herself outside of the tale. In this case, I don't think there was another way to write it. The character's thoughts are imperative and help to show the changes in his character.

Overall: I think you have gold here. Once you fix it up to read in a more professional manner, I expect to see the finished product on the shelves.
I was a bit disappointed in the way you rushed the secondary conflict of Bruce and his wife. There was a lot that could be done there that wasn't.

Charlie, please let me know when you add to this. I am anxious to see where you take the story. If you want chapter by chapter help, I can try and find the time, but I will admit, it's a daunting undertaking. I wouldn't mind being a part of this, though.

Keep up the good work,

G

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14 days may be credited.

#3595341

Review of Walking with Aunt Fanny

Review by TheGary

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Connie,

Here's my thoughts on your story. I hope they help.

Title: Simple and to the point. It works for the story, but you may want to consider something that will draw readers to it more.

Characters: The narrator really shines. You did a great job with her, but I think somewhere in the dialogue, she needs a name. Aunt Fanny is interesting, but some of her characteristics and actions seem disjointed. I think if you eliminated the shopping-list style description near the beginning and pulled her out a little slower, it would have a better effect for the reader.

Structure: No glaring problems. I do think it would work better to draw the story out some to flesh out Aunt Fanny. A few hundred more words will not hurt this story.

Suggestions: (Some of these are probably nitpicking, so take them with a grain of salt

Grabbing a paper towel, I dried my hands. "Got it." ---I think would read better as simply 'I dried my hands. "Got it." '

I saw a slightly balding ---I think the image works just as well without.

She was tall, probably five or six inches more than my five-foot-two and looked to be a perfect weight for her height. ---I would remove 'probably'. This would add more impact to the height statement. She IS tall, instead of just seeming so to the narrator. Perfect weight is a bit subjective (my wife thinks 100 lbs is perfect for her height but most women would probably think 115 or 120 would be better), so I would change that by using some sort of comparative statement to relate it to the narrator's thinking.

Her carriage was regal, and her attire was impeccable. Although, at first she looked a bit unapproachable, her kind welcome and friendly body language overcame my natural timidity. --- Just too many descriptors. Not necessary to get rid of all, but most of these descriptions can be brought out throughout the narrative to make it more 'show'.

Soon, we were the best of friends. ---This sentence is out of place. I would just kill it, entirely.

I began to hear a little teeny voice ---'little teeny' is redundant. Also, she heard it instead of began to hear it.

a card shop where Aunt Fanny wanted to stop to buy a variety of greeting cards ---This would read better if it came out in a dialogue they had when initially discussing the walk.

Never having walked five miles, it didn't seem that far in the car. ---The two parts of this sentence don't really connect. I think should be two sentences. 'I'd never walked five miles. It didn't seem that far in the car.'

What could I say? She was twice my age. ---The twice my age stands out as it was already used. Perhaps, you could have her think of some smart-aleck thoughts that she couldn't voice with any tact.

"Have to keep moving, keep our blood flowing for our walk to do the most good." Those words were thrown back at me as she headed toward the checkout. ---I would try a less passive description. 'she said over her shoulder as she headed towards the checkout.

Overall: I think this is close to being ready for submission to publishers. I enjoyed the voice of the narrator. It was amusing and pointed. There is a moral to this that we should never make assumptions based on the norm and that gives the story some meaning (something lacking in so much I read on WDC).

Keep up the good work,

G