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Review by Steve_the_scribe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This was very readable and enjoyable even though it was sad. I liked the sophistication of using the first phrase of each stanza to create the mood..."Noone is smiling....", "Noone is looking...", "Noone is moving...", "Everyone is crying....". I think I would end the first stanza's last line,"-dark,lonely" with some punctuation like a comma or semicolon. When I read a poem, I try to read it aloud and right there I would pause to take a breath. You may want to rephrase that to make it a little smoother or give it more of a dramatic pause; you control the rhythm and cadence of the poem. I would also punctuate the end of the second stanza's second line with a comma or a semi-colon as well...the next statement is an independent statement with a noun and a verb. They can stand alone but probably work better tied in together. The third stanza, while it works, might be more dramatic with a slight rewording...try something like,"Few children are present; it is silent." or "Few children are present. It is silent." Both of these work, because again they both are independent phrases with their own subject and verb. The fourth stanza really works when you apply the rhythm or cadence idea. Try reading aloud the fourth stanza,
"No one is moving.
The doors stay open, waiting ..."
Then, you start to feel the dramatic pause....waiting is the key word...the reader stops for a minute and is WAITING.

Thank-you for hearing my comments out. You can take me with a grain of salt...but I like to apply the beauty of the words at several different levels...meaning, rhythm/cadence, patterns...and you did all of these. I really enjoyed this piece.
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