So Dan, were you able to live up to all your promises? (he he just kidding!)
Its very peaceful writing and I really liked your poem, enjoyed reading it. I am not an poetry expert, but as a novice in reading it, not even once I felt it was out of rhythem or that something had been included forcefully - out of line.
I like the poem, the message it gives and it was truly a pleasure to read through the whole poem (I DIDNT get bored halfway thru)
Well, these certainly are feelings that people go through at times and you have captured them well. But I do find the change - from sadness to strength - somewhat sudden. Let this piece hybranate a little and read it over - you will find some flaw in the 'flow'
Suggestion : It would make it very easy reading if written in shorter sentenses - such as :
My heart is captured by my thoughts,
locked up inside an ensconed place,
the best thing for me to do is hide away.
SPELLING :
Lingering on to the pain FROM the past,
These are my honest opinions - and I am telling them not to discourage you but to encourage you to do even a better work OK? With a little editing for words to rhyme, I am sure you can turn this poem a great piece
A light poem which can be a treasure for a nature lover like me. But, there is a deeper meaning in between the lines and for the mature and the careful reader, its evident.
With your first line you have set a stage for your poem; a sort of a backdrop, which is great.
Your description about the wave(s) is good, formation, life and the ending. The only suggestion I can make is that if you include some line breaks that might make it easy reading and gives a clearer picture.
Your poem is communicative and you have been successful in putting your idea across.
I checked out your poem because the description aroused my curiosity
A slow moving poem; which I think is the suitable voice for the (almost) confessing tone of the poet.
A few suggestions I'd like to make :
Suggestions 1 :
In the first line, where it say "as", should it be "has"?
I am not a person who as done nothing wrong
Suggestion 2 : Using punctuation (a comma) in the second line would give a pause to the reader.
Suggestion 3 : I find the following line is too long. Wouldnt breaking it up to two lines give the necessary pause and a clearer meaning to the reader?
I don't think I knew what I was doing but it was enough to make anyone cry.
Overall, the idea you are trying to put across is clear and it is written in a way that once you start reading it, you want to read until the last bit to know what happened (I did!)
Janessa, I am really sorry about your loss. I have 2 dogs (lost one) and seven cats in the house. So I can understand what you have gone through and the heavy sadness you have in your heart.
About your poem, it revoked my sadness - it reminded me of my own loss - it made me feel sad, which means your poem has communicated exactly what you want to tell the reader. Good flow too. Hope to see more emotional pieces soon!
Way to go Janessa!
Warmest regards,
thush
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