Very well written story bringing to life a futuristic, almost post-apocalyptic world. I appreciate the language of the narrator but found word choice confused me at times. I was left with a few questions and longing for additional details and some parts really left me wondering. I will attempt to illustrate/enunciate these parts.
The team that accompanies the unnamed narrator (I will call him Fred from now on) is only ever partially referred to although I believe you mention them all during the final, clean-up scene. I never bothered to count how many but that would have been helpful as I tried to picture them pushing their way through the marketplace, navigating the streets and corridors and 'crowding wedged' into the elevator. I never had a true picture of this in my mind as I find it changes depending on the scene you are describing. You never give a physical description of the men so I am left to build that myself and it never attained the vision necessitating them being wedged into an elevator (I didn't picture them being too large since I had no reference) unless the elevator was very small but you never mentioned that it was full because it was small or because they were large men.
The wagon they travel in suffers as well from a lack of description. Your choice of initial descriptor, 'wagon', along with the setting, modern civilization has moved on, left me with the picture of a horse drawn, wooden wagon. But then you place the driver at the 'wheel' which caused me confusion. I gather you were referring to it being a 'meat wagon', coroner vehicle or hearse but that would only become more apparent toward the end of the story, too late to help me picture it accurately when they are occupying it. You could physically describe it without giving away its real name although I am not certain why you keep that bit of information a secret until the end. That particular job would be expected in the world you have created, what I found surprising was the tenderness and respect displayed by Fred at the final scene. If I had known from the start what his profession was and been led to believe that he was cold and unfeeling (seeing his world through those eyes) his kindness at the end would have been much more dramatic and highlighted. I was actually expecting Fred's crew to be some sort of clean-up crew for something like 'curry cookers' or 'gourmet chefs', disdained by the society that has grown used to the drabness you describe in the rest of the story.
You mention that the Luzon River had been dammed by some people up-river of New Shanghai and then allude to the fact that they didn't have the where-with-all to do it. I wondered why the residents never went to see the source of the blockage with a mind to unblocking it since it may have been partly from natural events. Did they just accept their fate? Additionally, the sailboats 'sprawled' on the ddry river bed gave me pause. Sprawled give the impression of choice in whether or not the item is splayed out or pulled into a huddle. Since boats have a fixed shape, I believe sprawled is the wrong adjective to describe how they are laying haphazard, where they undrowned.
Then I had the impression they went into the vehicle elevator of the Palace which is a large apartment block but they are soon in the marketplace, which appears to be in the open. The transition to this street scene was not smooth since I was still inside the palace, on an upper floor, when they were actually in the streets somewhere. This same odd transition happens after they get off the wedged elevator (I picture them in the upper floors of an apartment building, but they can see inside the apartments (where Fred sees the squatting woman - who actually sounds like she is sitting on the pot!). You may want to clarify the actual setting as i know of no apartments that have windows into the hallway.
Now for a few nit-picky things.
Fred initially talks about his employment in 'a town as decadent as mine' but shortly mentions that he hasn't been through the market in the Palace in a year or two. The reference itself and the time line gives me the impression that he travels, doing his business, far a wide which made me think he roams far away from the city. This causes some confusion regarding who he actually works for. Not a huge point but it made me wonder why it is mentioned he works for the city if he does his task all over the country (the impression I had).
At the bridge scene, Fred mentions he is viewing things from the riverbed but he is on a suspension bridge! That would be well above the river bed.
Exposed sails would have been rotted to nothing after 100 years.
"Pinprick lights of red and amber smouldered in the gloom as if eyes of coal; they were the only intimations of life." - something wrong with this sentence. it sounds like something should follow 'eyes of coal' you know 'as if eyes of coal were peering out of the darkness' I think it is the construction of the sentence. Also, 'the only intimations of life' in a bustling city there would be noise, pounding motors of generators, smoke from cooking fires, even over great distances. you have mentioned there is local industry yet you paint a silent landscape with only a few lights to show life.
The death scene report is being written 'about' the site and the corpse, not 'on', the site and corpse as I initially pictured them writing on the walls and the body.
I think Ii have rambled enough for now. There are other things that should be addressed but they will likely come to light as you continue to work on this piece. If you haven't yet, read it out-loud, more awkward phrases will come to light. You may wish to consider inserting a bit of dialogue to give the other members of Fred's crew more flesh and to break up the long narration. It is a good story and l wouldn't mind reading it again after the next edit.
As always, you are free to accept or discard any (or all) of my comments.
Terry
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