Hi Mike, Thank you for accepting the challenge and entering your poem in the Oriental Poetry Contest. I really enjoyed reading your herald into winter, it takes familiar images and elevates them.
The elements of the Imayo work well with your theme. The lines are fluid and images complement each other.
Your word choices are pleasing to the ear with assonance and alliteration as your primary tools.
Suggestions: "peaks in sharp relief" sounds great because of the assonance peaks/relief but I wasn't sure what the connection was. Sharp relief of what? After some thought, the image that came to my mind was mountain peaks against the blue sky. Or is it crisp mornings are relief from summer heat? Both work but I had to read and reread to come up with those. What I'm saying is, it is a great phrase but it needs a little hint of clarity. I have no idea how, just thinking out loud and sharing my thoughts. Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.
This really is a lovely piece that could have been considered just another fall poem but because of your choices brings an easy pleasant intro to the season. Nice writing.
Oooh another gem from the pen of Neva! Thank you for sharing "A Poet's Prayer Answered" at the Oriental Poetry Contest.
You certainly mastered the elements of the Imayo and took full advantage of the longer lines. Your poem has an even compelling rhythm. Your words echo in my mind as I read them out loud.
I can find no fault in your presentation and your content totally suits the frame.
I especially loved your opening line, "Atoms of the air vibrate, echoing my words"
You are a skillful writer with much to say. Again, thank you for sharing your work with us.
Happy Birthday Month! You certainly lay claim to the month with this wonderful Imayo. Thank you for entering it in the Oriental Poetry Contest.
The Imayo allows for fluid lines and you took advantage of the element. The frame suits the poem.
I loved the word imagery you utilized, this wasn't just another "fall poem". morning glory sky, mangrove leaves excrete salt tears. Awesome. L3 is my favorite.
The rhythm of the last line is a little awkward to my ear, can I suggest you tweek it a little, something like, "come follow me, I'm a queen or I'm the queen . . . . I think that small switch would improve the rhythm, but it is just my opinion. Use what you find helpful, ignore the rest. It is your poem.
I found this poem interesting and it touched me. I want to celebrate with you. My best friend, long ago, suggested we celebrate our birthday months rather than day. That way we would be celebrating in some way, everyday. Enjoy each moment of your celebration. More poems like this are a good way to begin.
Hi Jay, Thanks for taking on another Oriental Poetry Contest challenge.
Technically, have the Imayo with the long line broken by caesura element mastered. However, reading your poem out loud, the lines breaks are so abrupt they cause the poem to be a little choppy. One phrase though paused should fluidly flow into the other.
I have to admit, your thought progress loses me a bit. It seems disjointed somehow. I have no suggestions on how to fix it other than for you to read it out loud and think of ways you might smooth it out a little. You've rewritten before so I trust if you hear it as I do, the next time I come to read this poem it will be quite different. Please, this is your poem, use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.
I like the idea behind the poem and love the phrase "Coolish breath brings happiness"
Hi Jake, I couldn't find your Imayo Poem in the entries of your Poems for Poetry Challenge so I'm including it my review of your "Last Man on Earth Walking Down a Dirt Road" which is not an Imayo and doesn't qualify for the Round 58 at the Oriental Poetry Contest. So I'm ignoring that poem and am reviewing the poem you posted as a reply to the Round 58 Challenge.
Imayo poem
the very last man on earth, is walking alone
down a muddy country path, alone in his thoughts
sees a lone store with a flag, stops by for coffee
drinking his coffee alone, the ghosts whispering
This poem is an Imayo, you worked within the frame perfectly. Your lines are broken by caesura in exactly the right place and they read with a nice rhythm and clarity. Awesome.
Could it be taken to another level, I think so. For example, you use the word "alone" 3 times in this very short poem which is usually not recommended because it seems redundant. I think you should consider finding a substitute word for at least one of the "alone" s. Something like, The very last man on earth, walks in solitude. This is just my opinion, use what you think helpful ignore the rest.
This starts out an image of a lone man walking, but then the imagery gets more interesting, the country path, a flag on the store, stopping for coffee and best of all the surprising last phrase that brings us back to the first phrase, he isn't just a lonely man, he is the only man, with only ghosts for company. Nice writing.
Hello Rhychus, Thanks for returning to the Oriental Poetry Contest for another challenge. Challenge is probably the wrong word here, your poem "Every Pleasure I Destroy" reads as if it easily rolled off your tongue and onto the page without any effort at all. The rhythm and rhyme are like the lyrics to a song.
The Imayo with its longer lines and Kabuki connection is the perfect frame for your words. You write like a master.
This isn't just a little jingle, your content is interesting and opens the mind to think on your words. Especially your last line.
Hi Carly, Honestly, I'm not stalking you. Your poem was posted I Write just before mine. So here I am again, but this time in more familiar territory for me, I'm reviewing your Specters Rise.
First impression, all I needed was the photo. Who wouldn't read on?
The neat quatrains made up of rhymed couplets almost seem to want to hang on to some kind of control amid the chaos of the dream. I loved the cross rhyme in the first stanza. The meter is even and rhythmic, no stumbling here unless it is in an attempt to escape the darkness. The repetition of Specters to begin each stanza gave the poem an inescapable feel, like they just keep coming.
I loved the spooky darkness of this poem. Nice writing.
Well, here I am again, I'm going to have to read this novel when it is finished. But for now, I am reviewing for I Write.
As I said in my last review, I know nothing about writing novels. I can only comment as a reader. I saw nothing technically wrong however the development of the character did strike me as rushed after "Wait I did." Before I was in "her" skin, I felt what she felt. After those words, it was if someone was giving me the cliff note version.
I have no way to fix it other than to take more time, let the reader see her make physical changes. She also went from an innocent nerdy girl with a crush, who I could empathize with to calculating, vindictive, mean bitch who I had no connection with.
Hi Dave, I'm reviewing your, "In the Navy", for the Oriental Poetry Contest.
The Malaysian Pantun, so different from the French version "Pantoum" can be deceptively difficult. What can be easier than equal length lines and rhyme abab? But it is the complete and separate couplets that mess most up. You had no problem with it.
The rhythm and flow, the word choices, though simple, were in perfect unison.
This short little poem is uplifting and inspiring. It made me want to say, Thank you for your service.
Oh no Neva, It is had to believe you have ever had writer's block. Even mid block your skill shines. I'm reviewing your "Poet's Nighmare for the Oriental Poetry Contest.
The Malaysian Pantun elements were easily met by your attempt. Many missed the "complete couplet" element. You have two distinct couplets, shadow and meaning.
The rhythm and flow of your words communicate smoothly.
Word choice are lyrical and logical.
I can make no suggestion for improvement.
Thank you for continuing to support this contest with quality entries.
Hi Beholden, I'm reviewing your "crew" poem for the Oriental Poetry Contest. Very appropriate for the origins of the form.
The Malaysian Pantun verse form gives latitude in the syllable count as long as the lines are equal. You took full advantage of that. Your rhyme is spot on, when many overlook that in English, the rhyme is on the stressed syllable, you did not. The form does require 2 complete couplets almost divorced from one another in content. Your poem is technically a tetratstich without stanza break rather than a tetrastich made up of two complete couplets. Almost the entire poem is about the physical action of the rowers where with a shift where each couplet contains a separate thought unit, the first couplet would focus on the rowers and the 2nd couplet would be about the race. I'm thinking out loud here, but an example would be:
The creaking oarlocks, the blades are driving,
in unison set, strong backs are bending.
Race faces concentrate, ambitions striving,
skimming the surface, water rending.
This is just me, playing with your poem to try and show you the shift in thought that the form inspires. Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.
Your word choices are logical and clear. Articles such as "the" are throwaway words, you could easily enhance your image by substituting "strong" or "strained" or what ever in L2.
I loved that you used rowing as an inspiration for your poem.
Yikes, I was hoping for a haiku or something equally as short and I followed your Day 5 Contest entry at I Write instead.
Hi Carly, No matter, once i started reading I was hooked. This is a beautifully written insight into a difficult period in a young girl’s life.
I felt empathy for her from the beginning and continued to read to make sure she was going to be OK.
Technically, I can’t really help with the craft of writing a novel. I know NOTHING. As a reader, there was word that seemed to be used a lot in one section and it sounded too pronounced to me. “wee” was used at least 3 times in the space of 2 or 3 lines. Maybe substituting “little” or “tiny” in one or two places would sound less forced or artificial? Also 2nd to last paragraph “too” not “to” melancholy.
I actually enjoyed reading your “long” entry. I’m glad I followed you at I Write.
Hi Lisa, I’m reviewing your “The Isle Was Bombed” for the Oriental Poetry Contest.
The Malaysian Pantun is a common frame, a tetrastich with equal length lines in two complete couplets and alternating rhyme. The original intent was to send some kind of message. As usual, you had no problem with interesting rhyme choices.
My only suggestions are, in the first couplet, actually L2, seems a little wordy to me Deleting in L2 “In” and “where” might smooth it out a bit and eliminate unnecessary words. Also the syntax is awkward in L3 it sounds like Yoda speaking. “Attacked we were” better English, “We were attacked”. This is just me thinking out loud, it’s your poem, use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.
I liked that you stepped out of your norm and wrote something a little edgier with this one.
Hi Rhychus, This was interesting. I am reviewing your “Battle Stations” for the Oriental Poetry Contest.
The Malaysian Pantun, a tetrastich in equal length lines and alternate rhyme which is a pretty common frame. I thought it different that you chose 9 syllable lines, not so common but within the parameters of the form. The small poem was originally meant to send some kind of message. Yours is more a description of the mechanics of war. The separation of the 2 couplets, the viewpoint of a soldier in training or waiting and then the Battle commands coming from an officer works well.
The flow is a little jerky but it fits the content.
Word choices were unique. i’m not sure i totally understood the last line other than as a code name for a battle plan. The rhyme drudgery / dungarees is unique and interesting.
Nice Monty, I’m reviewing you “Fishing” for the Orienta Poetry Contest.
The Malaysian Pantun with its straight forward rhyme scheme is right up your alley. The even lines create a easy going rhythm in which i can almost picture you rowing out to catch a fish.
Your little ditty is fun and believable.
The only suggestion i could make is you could take this to the next level by taking this beyond just rhyme and syllable count by adding more poetic devices to emphasize the musicality. Something like
“Love fishing in my bobbing boat.”. “Just” and “while” are unnecessary fillers, giving them up for “bobbing” adds concrete detail to your image and the sound element of alliteration. This is me thinking out loud. Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.
This is just how i process my own work, i write the idea then i ask, how can i improve? what can i dump that is not necessary? what can i add that is concrete to improve the image? what sounds can i find to make it more musical?
i loved that you chose to write about fishing using a fisherman’s form. I really enjoyed this.
Hi Lilli, I’m reviewing your 24 Syllable entry for my 2nd review at I Write.
Of course your syllable count is spot and the prompt word fits right into your little piece. I could almost hear the voice of a smart mouth teen spouting these words. Telling someone who just offered food to someone who is clearly hungry that their place is “squalid, even if it was true, so rude, But some people don’t seem to care how their words will effect the recipient.
This is not a feel good poem but it does incite an emotion. That is what it’s all about. Now I leave angry, just kidding. Good writing.
Hello M.Morris, Thank you for entering the Oriental Poetry Contest with your Still Standing.
The Three-Five-Seven verse form gives a lot of space for detailed imagery in 3 short lines. Your poem manages the elements of word count and parallels quite well.
The sounds of the poem complement each other, the assonance in the first phrase of L1, alliteration in the first phrase of L3 contribute to the rhythm of the poem, which flows nicely until the last phrase that for some reason sounded a little off-key when I read it out loud. The hard "a" in snake just didn't seem to fit the rest of the poem. I wonder if you had used "serpent" instead? Just an observation and my personal taste. Also firmly would be the proper adverb in the first phrase of L3.
I liked the opening line best, I liked the parallel and I could relate.
I enjoyed reading your poem. Editing is allowed until midnight EST. I will be making my selections tomorrow.
Hi Jake, Thanks for entering these 3 poems in "Invalid Post" . Of course I can l only consider one for the contest judging. I've chosen the most intriguing "Black Cat Haunts My Life" for review and consideration in the contest.
Hi Dave, A little early for Halloween but I guess it is on the horizon. Thank you for entering the Three Five Seven Round and supporting the Oriental Contest over at Poet's Place. So I'm here dissecting rats in your "potion". This is a little creepy.
The Three Five Seven frame has a lot of wiggle room for detailed imagery and you certainly took advantage of it. You stayed within the perimeter of the frame and the lines flow into one another.
I do wonder about the comma in the last line, I with the word choices the comma isn't necessary and instead of a parallel you just have a long line. To make the 2nd half a parallel I think you would have to change "as" to "a". Just thinking out loud and I'm questioning myself but I think I'm right. But you know I can be wrong. Use what is helpful and ignore the rest.
My favorite phrase is " Ghastly cackle spells doom for unsuspecting victims" it has a great sound and perfectly carries the mood.
I enjoyed reading something a little different. Happy writing.
OMG Mastiff, I truly hope it isn't that serious but the situation did produce an interesting poem. Thank you for entering the Oriental Poetry Contest with this little gem. I'm reviewing to show you the poem through my eyes and to take a closer look to judge. Since edits are allowed up until the last day, I will come back at the close of the contest to reread, reassess and make my selections.
The Three-Five-Seven is a frame of 3 lines paused in the middle by caesura with words counted 3/3, 5/5, and 7/7. The half lines should be parallels or question/answer. It gives a lot of room in such a short poem for detailed imagery which you take advantage of.
The syntax and flow are fluid and the words create rhyme sounds in the least likely of places dread/dead shouldn't be considered rhyme because of the line jump and the position of the words in the line and yet the sight and sound of those two words stand out, very cool.
You parallel phrases could use a little more work, I'd play with the 2nd phrase of L1 and L2 to make the transition clearer. I wonder if instead of
I feel dread, due to work. ---- due to work is really not another phrase but an extension of the first phrase and the comma becomes an artificial pause.
Crush what is my soul, what is left of it.
What if you did something like
I feel dread, work is stress. or oppressive work stress, or trouble at work etc.
Crushed what is my soul, it leaves me no rest. or -
These are just ideas, hopefully, I'm making it clear what I'm trying to show you.
The last line is perfect, you got it.
I really liked the poem, I just think those phrases need a little tweaking. But it is just my opinion, use what helps and ignore the rest.
Thanks again and I think this is something many will relate to .
Hi Neva, Thank you for again supporting the Oriental Poetry Contest with another entry, this time with "Singing the Sacred Scriptures". I am always inspired by your words. I am reviewing to give you a glimpse of your work through my eyes and for me to look closer as a preliminary to judging. I try to review as the poems come in to give myself time for a thoughtful review. Since edits are allowed up until the last day, I will return to reread, reassess and make my selections on the last day of the round.
The Three-Five-Seven frame gives a lot of room for imagery even though only in 3 lines. You take good advantage of the space and still keep the word count within the frame.
Because of the broken lines, some of the poems entered have come out choppy, yours flows in harmony with your message, like a piece of sacred music. Nice.
The word selection had a couple of surprises, croons, primal
My favorite phrase "croons holy words"
Suggestions: I could hear the crooning "croons holy words" but I only read, musiicians play the instruments, you phrase tells, it doesn't show me what musicians, what instruments? Show don't tell What does it look like? This is just my opinion, use what is helpful and ignore the rest.
I thought this a lovely poem. Good luck and happy writing.
Hi Jay, Thank you for entering your "September Heat" in the Oriental Poetry Contest. I can relate, although this morning there is a bit of a nip in the air. I'm reviewing as the poems come in to save myself from a log-jam at the end of the month. To give a thoughtful review takes time and there have been a good number of entries each round lately so I try to spread the review time over the course of the round. Since edits are allowed until the last day, I will reread and reassess on the last day of the round and select the winners then. This allows me to show you your poem through my eyes and take a closer look at your work in a preliminary judge.
My first impression was drawn to the very long --------------------- caesura. I saw it before the title or any words and it was distracting. I actually saw it first on my iPad where because of the size, it distorted the entire poem and I was wondering if something happened to the type. Now that I see it on my desktop, I get what you were trying to do but I think it creates way too long an artificial pause and doesn't do the reading of your poem a service. If you were concerned with the sight of your poem you can break the line into two at the caesura some like:
dog days stayed;
clothes always drenched
cool winds help the heart;
skin senses fall comes soon
summer resides in September for most days;
{indent }November brings an end to oppressive heat.
The Three=Five-Seven verse gives a lot of room to create imagery. You easily mastered the frame even though it goes against your comfort zone.
It is not the metered, rhymed frame you so excel at but it still has to carry a fluid rhythm and rhyme can be found in other dimensions than end rhyme. Alliterative rhyme found in your first, third, fourth and fifth phrases dog/days; help/heart ; skin./ senses/ soon; summer/September. Your assonant rhyme in phrase 1 days/stayed.
It was the first phrase that was my favorite, probably because of all of the rhyme. It is the sound of the phrase, rings poetic.
Suggestions: You images of the first 2 lines or 4 phrases are pretty concrete. The last two phrases are telling rather than showing. There were no surprises, no twists or insight. I wanted more from this piece. These are my opinions. Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.
I appreciate your stepping out of your mastery zone and giving this form a try. I enjoyed the read.
Hello Rhychus, Thank you for entering the Oriental Poetry Contest with your interesting, "Summer Retreat". I'm taking a closer look to let you see your poem through someone else's eyes and to assist me in judging. But as you know I will come back and reread and reassess before I make my selections.
Your title promised, carefree summer fun. Your first phrase turned it around and described the extreme downside of summer. Interesting and of course the reader would read on.
The Three-Five-Seven verse form gives a lot of room in such a small poem to create imagery and you clearly took advantage of that staying within the perimeters of the frame.
When reading aloud this poem some of it becomes a bit choppy as if reading off a list of phrases without a fluid transition between some of them.
I liked the way the poem begins with the negatives and in the end, the "retreat" almost seems a retreat from summer itself, rather than from the hassle of life that is implied in the title.
Good morning Nani, Thank you for entering your "Ebb and Flow" in the Oriental Poetry contest. I was at the beach yesterday and could totally relate to the imagery you shared. I'm taking a closer look at your poem to help you see your poem through another's eyes as well as to help me as judge of the contest. I try to review as the entries come in because of the time it takes and the number of entries each round. But since edits are allowed until the 29th and I do not start the actual judging process until I reread and reassess on the 30th just in case someone makes a change that enhances their poem.
Loved the title but it is the same as the first phrase which is redundant. I would either change the title or the phrase. If it were mine, which it isn't, I would try and come up with a new title that draws the reader and adds one more imagery. Though using the first line as the title has been connected to great poets of the past such as Emily Dickenson, it isn't recommended in modern poetry. Plus Emily didn't title any of her poems, all of her poems were published after her death and the publisher used the first line as the title because they were her words.
You used the Three-Five-Seven frame to its best advantage. You didn't waste words and allowed the poem to flow with the tide seamlessly.
My favorite line "Why can't all lovers be as devoted?" I had not thought of the ocean as a lover before, you opened new images in my mind. Nice.
My only suggestion, the title being the same as the opening phrase uses up precious imagery space. Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.
I really enjoyed reading your poem. Thanks for this opportunity to review your delightful piece.
Goodmorning Moondog, Thank you for your entry at the Oriental Poetry Contest. It was as if you wrote my yesterday when I sat on the sand and watched the breakers crash over the rocks. Well not quite, I am well beyond my bikini years and our northern California coastal beaches are not the serene beach you imply in your poem. But I certainly could relate to it.
I'm taking a closer look at your poem to help me judge for the contest. But since you are allowed to edit up until Sept 29, I will come back and reread and reassess on the 30th.
My first impression was from your title. I thought you said too much, a title should be a hook, a catchy word or two or three to make the reader curious to read on. "Beach Day" or "Bikini Day" would have been sufficient.
The Three-Five-Seven gives a lot of room to develop images. Your frame was spot on. You use caesura perfectly.
The first rule of poetry is "show don't tell". Use more "concrete images", easier said than done. I am just showing you your poem through my eyes. I thought some of your lines were too "telly". I wanted to see or feel the beach a bit more, like instead of "enjoying the cool ocean breeze" something like "ocean breezes cool her skin" or "cooling breeze brushes her skin", In poetry "enjoying" should be implied not told. What does enjoying look like, sound like, feel like? You shouldn't have to say "That's how", don't waste valuable word space on explaining, just show the reader.
The beach is her sanctuary and retreat, her secret place to escape and relax.
I think this poem could go to the next level with more concrete imagery and the use of writing tools such as alliteration and assonance to enhance the sound of your poem. Help the reader feel the grains of sand under their feet, hear the surf as it flows to shore and back. That is what moves the reader.
I'm just sharing what I have learned over the years. Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest. Bottom line it is your poem, you are the creator.
I loved the idea behind this poem. "nobody giving her trouble" is my favorite phrase. The sound of the ocean is relaxing. Luckily I live only 15 minutes away. Thank you for this relatable poem.
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