Oh my, tell us what you really think. Haha, thanks for submitting your poem to the Oriental Poetry Contest. I’m taking a closer look for judging.
The traditional Mongolian Meter has even lines of either 7 or 8 syllables each. Your syllable count ranges all over the place. Head rhyme refers to the first consonant of each line matching, I’m sorry if my initial description may have misled you. You did create rhyme in the first word of the line and that was good.
Because of the variable syllable count it kind of messes with your rhythm. I thought your front rhyme rather clever.
There is good humor in this piece. My favorite line is
Hi Dave, Nice holiday poem with a fresh perspective. Thanks for submitting it to the Oriental Poetry Contest. I’m taking a closer look.
You seemed to have no problem mastering the Traditional Mongolian Meter. What i was most impressed with was the easy flow of your lines.
The first line along with the alliteration give it a joyous feeling reflecting the season and yet the message goes deeper. “freedom to choose” gives the poem more meaning than just the ringing of bells. A lot is sid in this small poem. Nice work.
Hi Neva, Your "Morning Coffee" gave me a chuckle. I'm taking a closer look at your poem for the Oriental Poetry Contest. Thanks for continuing to come back and participate always with high quality writing.
You met the elements of the Traditional Mongolian Meter as interpreted from my description of the form and the poem will be judged accordingly. However for the future, Head rhyme is alliterative, it is consonant rhyme at the beginning of the line which I did say in the first sentence my directions. Then I think I muddy the waters by adding an observation that the first syllable is often seen as head rhyme. I didn't clarify that though the first syllable is often seen as head rhyme, I meant the first consonant and vowel are often demonstrated as head rhyme. Meaning Flavor and Favor at the beginning of the line are head rhymed but in a rhyme scheme of aaaa, they do not rhyme with Savor and Saver. The definition of head rhyme can be confusing and giving a succinct definition is tricky. I am sorry my definition in the directions may have misled you. I guess I will have to go back to edit my original definition and add to the 2nd line, "Although still alliterative,". You are not the only one to have been misled and the variance will not be faulted in the judging. These Forms challenges don't just expose participants to new forms they are also a challenge to me to describe or explain the forms in a manner that will be properly understood. A learning process for all.
As I began this review, and just rereading your piece now, your poem brings a smile to my face. I sip my first cup of coffee this morning and totally relate to your words.
This is a very simple piece and yet your 2nd line elevates it. The mention of Columbian blends adds a thought out of the sing-songy every day descriptions of coffee (Oh so many coffee poems, including a few of my own.) But yours suggests a heightened taste. A touch with more depth which is necessary in a poem so small. A testament to your writing skills.
I enjoyed beginning my day with your little piece.
Hello Beholden, Thank you for this ambitious, interesting, entry to the Oriental Poetry Contest. I am taking a closer look to observe a master's work.
Apparently, the Traditional Mongolian Meter challenged you to not only to write using the prescribed elements but also has inspired the content which I found fascinating. I love it when an allusion to the history of the form is embraced.
Just a technical note for the future: head rhyme is an alliterative rhyme, which is consonant rhyme. So technically your 3rd and 4th stanzas don't quite hit the bar. But because of different sources out there muddying the waters regarding the definition of head rhyme, your consistency and first syllable rhyme work for this contest.
The rhythm is fluid, the word choices made me believe the speaker was a comrade in arms of the great leader.
My favorite lines:
"reflecting ever empty skies,
resounding with bow’s sweet rebound."
I could hear the arrows singing through the air. I loved the imagery.
Well just in case you can't tell from my previous statements, I was impressed with your offering and truly enjoyed reading.
Hi Lisa, I appreciate your entering the Oriental Poetry Contest with your lovely Christmas poem. I'm taking a closer look at your poem for the contest.
It is a forms contest and the Traditional Mongolian Meter has elements you did not quite master. You do have a lot of alliteration which is a feature of the form. 7 or 8 syllable count is met in most of your lines but you do have 9 syllable in L2 and 10 syllables in L6. (The added syllables in L6 were an important addition, I get it, but it does disrupt the rhythm. Head rhyme is also a problem area.
Head rhyme as originally defined in the instruction you followed says rhyme from the front rather than the end of the line. Happy and sappy are your only "front rhymes" but even those don't begin with the same consonant. For the future, to clarify, head rhyme is alliterative, the first consonant should rhyme, the vowel sound is a bonus. Note my example poem. Together/ tuning / today / to{/b)morrow all began the lines of the example poem.
The variance from the elements of the form has to be considered in judging. However, as written, your poem is a gentle reminder of the season and a nice addition to any collection of Christmas poems you may have.
Thank you again for your participation, I enjoyed reading your poem.
Hi Rhychus, You are back with another keeper. Thank you for entering your Lucid Drops in Round 61 at the Oriental Poetry Contest. You have a real knack for adapting the Asian forms.
You seem to have conquered the Traditional Mongolian Meter with ease. Head rhyme appears to have given you no problem. The poem flows well with 8 syllables pers line. The poem is full of alliteration. The quatrains contain their own thought unit but are connected. Nicely done.
There is so much good in this one but my favorite lines are:
Driven wet waves refract rainbow
dreams to color our destiny.
I have to admit I stuggle a little with
expression from which we withdraw
excuses peers call poetry.
I'm wondering if a common is needed at the end of withdraw? Meaning - the excuses peers call poetry are expressions from which we withdraw? Are you saying peers write bad poetry? I may come back to this because it isn't making sense to me right now.
Other than that one area, I love the sounds and idea behind this piece. I am grateful for your continued participation.
Hello Frigid, I don't know how I have missed reviewing your work before here at I Write, but I am now reviewing your, If I Was Afraid of the Dark as my extra and last review for I Write 2019.
Written in tercets with a refrain, the frame fits the content.
The rhythm of the piece is moved forward by the refrain. The poem flows with and easy cadence. I liked the way the refrain alternated from the first line of one tercet to the last line of the next tercet then repeating the pattern in subsequent stanzas.
The word choices were simple and effective. Your meaning clear.
Yes it is. Good one Rhychus. I think you got it, you old dog you. Thank you for entering this poem in the Oriental Poetry Contest.
Your haiku has me smiling. Ah yes the dream, to master the art and you have done it well. Not much I can say, condensed, concrete, clear and enlightening. What more can I ask for?
Hi Neva, Nice opening fragment, short, vivid, concrete image. Thanks for returning to the Oriental Poetry Contest.
You get it, your haiku flows well and communicates your message.
You use no filler words and it fits into your on going theme that is informative. Your last line is an abstract. I wonder if you had a more concrete image to show unity. Just a thought.
Hello Ruwth, Following you at I write, I came upon your Unexpected Change of Plans. Curious is the first word that comes to mind. So many questions filled my head. Why was the trailer house condemned? Was it condemned because of the break-in and vandalism or did Granny live in a condemned trailer? Or was this just an old condemned trailer that Granny owned and kept some stuff in?
I gather this is a prompt meant to inspire a writer to continue, and the door is wide open but I wonder if there are not too many holes in the door.
I'm unsure how to review this, so I am just thinking out loud.
The construction of the piece is fluid and has no technical flaws that I can see. You will have me pondering this for a while.
Hi Neva, I've chosen your yummy "Thanksgiving Dinner" for my extra review at I write, partly because I know I will get a quality read.
This is a very simple poem written in 24 syllables with the prompt "chestnuts" which as usual you mastered.
It has a touch of sadness, it is written with nostalgia, Grandma is in the past. No more blessing from the chestnuts in the cornbread dressing. Too bad. Did she not pass down the recipe? Traditions are lost through time. I know I prepare Thanksgiving the same way my grandmother did. But I'm afraid, though I've tried to involve my granddaughters in the process they look at me and say, but grandma why go through all of that work when we can buy a good pie? They admit, my pies from scratch are better than store bought, but they don't want to put forth the effort to learn. Store bought will be OK after I've stopped baking. Until then, can't wait to have a piece of your pie, Grandma.
I ramble but that is what I gleaned from your small poem. A loss of a fond tradition. Too bad but you express it well.
Hi Kieth, This is quite a collection in one day. #1 won 2nd place congratulations. #2 could be considered a senyru
I enjoyed reading all of them although some could use more tweaking, I would have to take them one at a time, which is beyond me right now. Remember I am not an expert nor an authority, I'm a student of the art and I am passing on what I have learned. It is easier to say what is wrong with one than to write one.
I notice they are all locked in at 5/7/5 which is OK but you don't want to make it a habit. My favorite of the bunch is a modern haiku
#12
Choked by autumn growth
a lone rose goes unnoticed
since the landlord's death.
May I make a couple of suggestions? Line 2 Exchange "one" for "a" the number is more specific than a generic "a", and "grows" for "goes". again more specific image versus a more abstract image. I know "goes unnoticed" is a common phrase and that is another reason not to use it.
That is all I have for now. I am thrilled you are looking into this art, you will only get better and better the more you read, assimilate and practice.
Hi Dave, Thanks for submitting this cozy, Winter haiku to the Oriental Poetry Contest. I’m taking a closer look in order to make selections for this round’s winners.
The traditional haiku proved much harder to write than many thought it would. You seemed to have no trouble mastering the concept that the image should come from nature and there needed be a reference to a season.
i love your 2nd line, I could see the dance in my mind.
Your last line, while logical and clear, tells us rather than providing a juxtaposed image that shows us. To take it to the next level, it could read something like: toes warmed at the hearth. Just another perspective.
Next round will be a modern haiku, I hope you give it a try.
Hi Rhychus, Beautiful! I'm taking a closer look at your haiku #1 for the Oriental Poetry Contest. After reading this dazzling haiku I hope you continue to write haiku add many more numbers to your haiku journal. I'd be a fan.
This Round asked for a traditional haiku which included concrete imagery from nature and reference to a season. You managed both with ease. You use 2 kidai, first snow = early winter and gilded leave = late fall, nice.
The image of your 2nd line is amazing. The gold, dusted with white snow is ethereal.
Suggestion: To bring it to the next level, your last line tells the reader what to think. The Ah ha moment should be a juxtaposed image that draws the enlightenment forward through another concrete image. This is where haiku graduates from a simple small poem to an art form and is the most difficult element.
You have a real talent for imagery, I truly enjoy reading your work.
Hi Ridinghhood, Your imagery in this haiku is spectacular. I'm taking a closer look at it for the Oriental Poetry Contest, Round 59, "traditional" haiku.
The form requested was to go back to the root of haiku and write a "traditional" haiku including concrete imagery from nature and reference to a season. As I said previously, the imagery is spot on, better than spot on. But where is a seasonal reference?
"aerial roots reach downward" especially from a banyan, I can feel the tree reaching strong and deep into the earth. Awesome image and extension of that image.
Your last line tells us what to feel or think. To take it to the next level, the Ah ha moment should offer an juxtaposed image that draws that thought organically.
So many think of haiku as a simple, small, syllabic poem. But the art of haiku is difficult and demanding. It is so much more than a simple, small syllabi poem and with this imagery of your first two lines, you are well on your way.
Hi Ruwth, Brrrr, thank you for joining Round 59 at the Oriental Poetry Contest which this chilly traditional haiku. I'm taking a closer look as part of the judging process.
I asked for a traditional haiku and you delivered. Concrete images, seasonal references all in 17 syllables.
I loved the last line, it took the chill away. Safe and warm inside.
Suggestions: The images you use are common for parts of the world in winter. (not my part of the world, snow is rare here) For future haiku consider this to take your haiku to the next level. Haiku asks for a breath in a moment. Your imagery, like in many, many poems, is very broad and unfocused. I kind of compare it to National Geographic photographs showing the most minute detail and bringing the observer to a finite moment.
Snow is a winter kigai, seasonal reference. But the art of haiku asks even more, it asks for the crystals in the snow flake.
I only offer these ideas as food for thought. It is your haiku. Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.
Hi Neva, Thank you for continuing to accept the challenges at Oriental Poetry Contest. The standard of your work is an inspiration to any who read it.
I asked for a traditional haiku and you didn't disappoint. The clarity of your imagery is focused, your 2nd line reminded me of when I packed into the Sierra's wilderness area on horseback. I felt I was in those clouds.
I believe your reference to the season is a little vague. In the high mountains, even summer mornings are cold. Though the grizzlies don't hibernate in summer.
Hi SugarCube, I chose your Little Willie for my extra credit review at I write. So many of us have trouble with these little poems because of the satirical, mean spirited twist. You seemed to find your way there. Although it is usually Willie that does the dirty deed. I liked that you had an old hag turned the tables on him.
Form: Little Willies are written with small rhymed frames written in accentual verse with 4 stresses per line. Your first 3 lines do just that and your last line has a good rhythm so I would leave it alone. But technically your last line only has 3 stresses. "And she gave him a rotting spleen! Read it out loud and you will hear the stresses. As I already said, it is a great punchline with a good rhythm so I would not change it. I just thought I'd get technical and point it out.
You will have to try a Bagarthach someday. They have the same twisted humor but no "Little Willie" to include and the frame is syllabic rather than accentual.
Hi Mastiff, Following you at I Write, propelled me to read and review your interesting anecdote, "Bill's Here". Now, this is an encounter most of us would remember, regardless of party affiliation. And say what one will about "Bill", no one would question his intellect or charisma. I felt thrilled at the prospect of having such a moment.
You set up the circumstance quite well, giving the reader the background needed to experience the full impact of your story without boring us to death with the details of the setup. How you got there, your maturity level, and even the circus that surrounded that particular celebrity.
There are a few technical bobbles you might want to look at and in my opinion, fix.
The 2nd sentence "at being at", I don't know if this grammatically incorrect or not but it sounded awkward to me and made me go back and read again to be sure I was reading it right. Maybe "of being at" would be a better transition?
2nd paragraph, first word "Ever" typo or typeless, I think you meant "Every".
The last sentence of the 2nd paragraph needs a transition from the general description of what you would do to escape the young bucks and the description of where you would go to "I'd just sat". The needed transition might be, "On one such occasion, I'd just sat" The I'd just sat was no longer a generality but the beginning of the story.
4th paragraph, "I didn’t have a view from the library, but they enjoyed sunning themselves in the nude by the lake." Well, I am sure they weren't popping out of the cars in the nude, so why, just because you didn't have a view of the lake from the library did you assume they would enjoy sunning themselves in the nude? Maybe rather than "I didn't have a view", you introduced the nude sunbathing comment with something like "I was told later" or "I happened on them later" Hmmm, I wonder what Hillary thought of him taking mini-vacations with gorgeous nude sunbathers? And yet he also enjoyed talking literary subjects in the library with a stranger, another peak into his character. Complex or very simple man.
The bobbles are just my opinions, use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.
I did enjoy reading this, and though the reader should never assume the narrator of the story is the writer, I did read this as your experience and I was thrilled at that prospect. Very cool.
Hi Mastiff, I followed you at I Write and I'm reviewing your Vignette. This was a troubling piece, I could feel the tension as I read it.
I don't look for technical error unless it jumps out at me, I saw no problems with punctuation, spelling, syntax, etc.
The piece moves smoothly and word choices create an ominous situation. I do wonder about his injuries, are they of the mind, body or spirit or all of the above? I wasn't sure from what I read.
This is a depressing slice of life that ends almost hopelessly.
Hi Dave, Thank you for once again supporting the Oriental Poetry Contest with a well crafted poem. I'm looking closer at your poem for the contest and it just gets better and better.
The rhythm is fluid. The word choices interesting. mausoleum / hapless /cadaver / whisperer / code ; not your usual spooky fare.
I have no suggestions for improvement.
My favorite is the last phrase. It was a surprise and yet it made sense. Awesome.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.18 seconds at 1:40am on Jul 02, 2025 via server WEBX1.
| (4.5)
| (3.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
I'm taking a closer look at your poem for the Oriental Poetry Contest. Thanks for continuing to come back and participate always with high quality writing.