Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #962569 by Not Available.
and good luck.
I have done this form one time and it's hard...you make it look easy. Your ending words fit nicely in each sentence. Your poem flows good, as you capture what it's like to have a 'school-girl'crush.
My favorite line:
'I'll stop it with a sugary kiss.'
suggestions:
(some minor ones)
In line 3 I would make it a gentle breeze instead of the gentle breeze.
and keep the mood romantic and enticing.
try;
keeping the mood romantic and enticing.
In line 29 I'd remove the comma
Just some suggestions.
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
My Overall impression:
Very inspirational poem/prose you have here.
Your message is clear. Great ttile.
The rhymes you have are good.
Suggestions/Errors:
In places it's a little confusing...where you have the Lord talking...maybe this should be in italics..to seperate the conversation/dream.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Welcome to the site. Have fun!
I enjoyed your prose and the honesty you show in it.
On our dreams and how they are easily lost in life.
suggestions:
Set your Bio-block introduce yourself to us readers who visit your port.
You have some commas and a few periods....but you don't carry through with the punctuation in this. I'd do one or the other. Punctuation through out or no punctuation.
You also need to pick some genres for this.
Genres will get your items more exposure.
I like your title I would capitalize it like this:
Dreamers Like Us
Thanks for entering your poem in "Invalid Item" and good luck.
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
Great title. You show some unique thoughts that music brings to your mind. I love good music it can be so relaxing. As are these things you share in your poem.
MY OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS:
In line 3 you have a typo..I think that should be bumble bee.
Very positive and inspirational poem.
Your title is good and appropriate.
Your poem flows well very well.
This holds a big message and
reminder for us readers.
suggestion;
Don’t question a miracle,
don’t pause or doubt or fear.
try;
Don’t question a miracle,
don’t pause, doubt or fear.
Keep writing!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I read your poem and saw the blue highlighted phrases and knew they were for some prompt but they fit in very well.
At the end you explain what these prompts are...Song titles...you use these so well it seems very natural.
I like the explanation that you include with your poem.
All of us writers will identify with this poem and being at a loss of what to 'say.'
I like your last 2 lines the best and that you end this on a positive 'note.'
Welcome to the site. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for entering The Drop Box, my contest for newbies. "THE DROP-OFF BOX " My Overall impression:
I like your title and what you have does say much.
I'd like to hear more on your subject.
Suggestions/Errors:
I think you need to expand a little more on these thoughts.
You need to add some genres to your poem...it will help get your item more exposure.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Thanks for entering your poem in "Invalid Item" and good luck.
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
I like your poem and think it's inspirational in places.
I like your ending thoughts and that you put in some personal touches with your Mom and Dad.
MY OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS:
You do lose me in a few spots with the repitition...it doesn't work well in this poem.
(Note; I do like the We Shall Overcome repeats...but not the others...)
In places it feels like you are rambling and you lose me in those spots too.
EX;
We must,
we must
we must increase our--
(I don't think you need these 3 lines...not sure what their purpose is.)
The part about the dog...mother comparison...is a little weird....maybe just show a nagging mother.
My Overall impression:
I like your poem and can identify with some of the questions you ask.
Most will be able to. I'm sure each reader will have their own answers to these questions. The answers are within the individual.
Suggestions/Errors:
Even though your poem is kind of 'sappy,' I don't like the title...it takes away from the poem.
I feel the last stanza also takes away from the poem and would cut it.
It's hard to tell if you are trying to be serious with this or funny with this poem...
Watch your repitition on thoughts and questions.
Add some genres to your poem...they will get you more exposure.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
My Overall impression:
Unique subject to write on. I enjoyed your youthful story on rebelloin. Your stroy flows well and I wasn't left with any questions.
You tell your story very well.
Suggestions/Errors:
I dod not notice any typos or errors.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Thanks for entering your poem in "Invalid Item" and good luck.
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
You tell the legend of snow very well.
Your poem looks good, I like the title
and it flows well.
I enjoyed this, thanks for sharing.
MY OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS:
Maybe add an image of a field of snow...I think it would enhance your poem.
Thanks for entering your poem in "Invalid Item" and good luck.
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
Very unique poem you have here. Great title.
I like the subject of your poem and the way you present it.
I really enjoyed this light-hearted read.
My favorite lines:
'Always aiming at ambition and appeal
Aptly appearing as an awed addiction'
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #962569 by Not Available.
and good luck.
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
I like your title.
Your poem captures aging very well...it expresses the burdens and ailments of aging.
MY OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS:
Your wording seems off in a few places.
Try replacing some of your repeating words and filler words with adjectives/descriptions.
ex;
I know that now I must go,
But yet I don’t know when.
try;
I know that I must go,
But I don’t know when.
I feel a pain awhile
try;
I feel pain awhile
I’ve seen many a summer,
And winters I have seen.
try;
Many winters and summers
I have blessedly seen.
All just some suggestions. Keep writing. Always, Tammy
My Overall impression:
lol..I loved it. I'm from Texas and you capture the weather/seasons really well.
My favorite lines:
'Even the leaves appear confused.
“Do we fall or not?”'
Great job.
Suggestions/Errors:
Only one, instead fo all the commas you use..try closing some of your thoughts with a period. This will help with the overall read of your poem.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
My Overall impression:
Your story is very intense, I wasn't expecting the end. You tell this in a very dramatic way.
Suggestions/Errors:
Work on your sentences...In places you have a lot of short choppy sentences that do not flow well.
Work on the flow of your story...maybe combine some of your sentences.
In the last sentence, you need to space after your second quotation mark.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Welcome to the site. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for entering The Drop Box, my contest for newbies.{{bitem:530577}
My Overall impression:
Wow, your poem turns out to be darker than I thought it would. Your story flows well as it leads to your dramatic ending. I like the last 2 lines and how you repeat them.
Suggestions/Errors:
I would make your first 2 lines a stanza by theirself, especially since your repeat these 2 at the end.
Watch your repeition of words...your filler words like the, and....stanza 1 has the 5 times.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/tm_lvn_nurse/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/26
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.58 seconds at 10:24am on Jul 06, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
OVERALL IMPRESSION: 
MY OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS:
Keep writing. Always, Tammy