My Overall impression:
I felt like I knew her and your ending made me want to cry.
I enjoyed your poem and meeting this lady.
You capture your reader well..I really like the way you show her, her life and her death.
I like your descriptions of her skin and shoulders.
Suggestions/Errors:
I wouldn't change a thing.
Your poem is very pretty.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing, Tammy
Thanks for entering your poem in "Invalid Item" and good luck.
You sell yourself short when you say you're not a poet in your intro.... Very neat title and if fits very well.
Your poem flows well. You touch down on your readers senses...the imagery, the noise and the feelings all come together and make your poem really good. Thanks for serving.
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and good luck.
You write on a touchy subject, I think you capture the child's p.o.v. very well with this tragedy you tell. I like the repittion of Daddy, it makes this stick out more.
suggestion:
You could change you 'other' genre to tragedy.
Thanks for writing this. If it reaches one person~ just think of the difference it could make.
I enjoyed your story. You 2 characters are well likable. Your story flows well and I wasn't left with any questions. I did not notice any typos or errors.
The message your story holds is loud and clear. Your title is good and fits your story well.
Very sad poem. You show a drug addict well.
You capture their ways as you capture the way a loved one feels for them.
Very honest writing.
Thanks for sharing.
My opinions/suggestions:
no more of your cries in the dark or small hands that ached to touch what was not yours
try;
no more cries in the dark or small hands
that ached to touch what was not yours
You lay between between black bags under a dark night sky as I walked away with more energy in my steps
try;
You lay between black bags under a dark night sky
as I walked away with more energy in my steps
as I heard your shrill cries to the far away moon and to the one who never wanted to hold you in their arms again
try;
I heard your shrill cries to the far away moon
and to the one who never wanted to hold you again
embrace you as I never could I think as I push the needle in my arm again falling into oblivion once again
try;
embrace you as I never could
as I push the needle in my arm
falling into oblivion once again
I think you should make these each 2 lines to go with the rest of your poem and to help with the flow of your poem.
Poetry doesn't have to have punctuation, but I think Your poem might benefit from it..you might try this with some punctuation. Used right, punctuation can really add to your words.
Your poem tells of a tragedy. You set up it well.
You capture kids and their actions very well.
Your message is strong and your points support it very well. Sorry for your loss.
suggestion:
I think you should work on the flow of your poem, in places you seem to be rambling.
I think you should use punctuation with this, somem poetry is ok with out punctuation but I think your poem would benefit from it.
Watch your use of filler words.
Watch your tenses.
ex;
you always say mom i want this i, want that
run me here, take me there
you're just not fair
try;
You always say; Mom I want this,
I want that, run me here, take me there,
you're just not fair.
My Mom cared about me,
but not once did I tell her
she was great or
that I loved her back.
My Overall impression:
Your short piece is very strong.
You express yourself well and your feelings come across as being very positive.
Thanks for sharing part of you and your experiences with your readers.
Suggestions/Errors:
Your first line you say, you went through all of that.
You should share some of 'that' with your readers.
I think it would enhance your story and make it an even stronger read.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing, Tammy
Welcome to the site. Enjoy yourself.
I like your title and how you use the petals to show your memories and/emotions. I like the image you create of the petals falling.
Very creative.
My opinions/suggestions:
the smell of chocolates
in the air.
try;
the smell of chocolate
is in the air
The jokes
The smiles
The laughter
try;
the jokes,
smiles and
laughter
The hope of being with you
diminishing
disappearing
As the petals fall
The pain
memories
the hope
all flood back to me
drowning me in sorrow
(I think your whole poem would benefit from punctuation.)
try;
The hope of being with you
diminishes, disappears
as the petals fall.
The pain,
memories and hope
all flood back to me
drowning me in sorrow
lol~I loved your story.
I like the message/lesson you include in your writing.
Your descriptions and imagery is good.
I could see the leprechaun stumble/jig to the door at the end there.
I like that you include both languages...it shows that you put some time into your story.
Well-done.
Keep writing.
Tammy
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
My Overall impression:
Cute story, I really enjoyed it.
The comparisons you have are cool and work well with your story.
You capture this little boy very well, I could see him fidgeting in the bed.
Suggestions/Errors:
Only one, since this is for children, you might include at the end the message. Most adults would get the message...but younger children (your audience for this) might not.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing, Tammy
My Overall impression:
Creative write. I like how you end this.
Your imagery is good...I could see her silhouette. Your main characters are both likable.
Suggestions/Errors:
I'd like to know more about what happened to her home place/Earth. You describe the end well, but never really say what caused it. I was left with a few questions about it.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing, Tammy
Welcome to the site. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for entering The Drop Box, my contest for newbies. "THE DROP-OFF BOX "
My Overall impression:
This gave me chillbumps and made me want to cry.
This flows so very well. Your imagery is good, I could see the girl, the shoebox and the mess.
Thanks for sharing this here at WDC for us and for writing this for the family you wrote it for.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing, Tammy
This is a great story. It flows through easily for your readers and I wasn't left with any questions.
Your main characters are likabe and I could see some of myself in this woman as I could see some of her son's traits in my children.
Your ending brought tears to my eyes. I pray that my children come this full circle and realize that the choices I made regarding their father and our family were for the best.
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
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