Wow...That is really good. I love how you call her 'Dear Lady'. That is a very sweet thing to call any girl. I love what you are saying in this poem and you were able to make it sound really good. I mean, it doesnt sound like one of those poems a middle school guy would write to a girl he has a crush on. No, yours sounds extremly good and it says how much you care about her with out sounding chessy, good job!
A very good poem but there are a few flaws and a couple of things I think could use some work on.
1st stanza-I suggest putting a ... at the end on this stanza since the next stanza doesnt quite pick up from the last line of this one. It kinda makes me feel like someone went off in telling a wonderful story about 'the start', but I was so awed by the voice, that I went into a sleep and when I woke again, the story is already at the conclusion and Im just getting to listen on the last of the resolution. Just an idea though.
2nd stanza-This is what really cought my eye, in the whole poem, you have an awesome rhyme pattern and a wonderful flow but as soon as the 2nd line doesnt rhyme with the 1st line, my eyes shout open! You had such a wonderful feel and right after the 2nd line you pick it back up, but you cant do that! I love your poem but this is what brought you down the most. Switch green or switch within with something else so it rhymes and the flow keeps going.
3nd stanza-Wonderful stanza, my favorite stanza.
4th stanza-Great tie together. It is a nice way to end a very well written poem. Just fix up that little problem in stanza two and take my idea or leave it, which ever is fine, it is your poem. But you have a wonderful poem here.
This is a good poem with some great discription. There are a few things that can make is better though.
First stanza:In your third line, it has the word 'evel'. I think that might be a typo cause that word isnt in my litte dictionary. Other wise, a very good stanza.
Secound stanza:The only thing I would do with this stanza is mess around with the little words like 'a' and 'the'. It may sound like a small thing to do, but it can change the whole feel.
Third stanza:The first line in this stanza sounds strange compared to the rest of them. Im not exactly sure why this is, but I can tell there is something wrong with it. Read it out loud with the rest of the poem and you can kinda feel a bight of disconfert there.
Fix those small things up and play around with the wording a bight more and you will have an awesome poem!
I think this poem has some great potential. Once you expand on it and get your line break ups right, than it could be great!
Your first line is fine, keep it how it is. And if you do expand on this poem, you should keep it as your first line and even add it here and there in the poem. This gives a tone of questioning yourself type thing. It can be really cool if the spacing between each of the repeated lines is just right.
Your secound line has one major bad thing in it. Take 'No' and put it at the begining of the next line. If you were to expand on this poem though, say the first time you ask 'What lies with in?' you could shorten this line up and add diffrent clips of it under the first line. So like this
What lies with in?
A poet perhaps
After that, you could go on to describe something of the poet. And than just do this all the way though. But that is if you extend this poem out.
Your third line is way too long for the rest. It sticks out, not just as you read the poem, but even if you just look at it. If I were you, I would cut it in about half making it
No, A monster with order to kill,
with vanity as its face and greed as its name
That makes it more fiting into the structure of the other lines.
Your two ending lines are good, except Im not sure if Im liking soul there as the last word. Maybe change it to mind, I think it mind sound a little better.
Like I said, this poem could really be worked with to make it sound so much better. And since it is so short, you should really expand on it, I think that it would actualy be alot easyer to expand on it by the way of breaking that secound line down. That could give you at least 15 more lines to your poem. You should really try it, see how it goes. But deffantly keep writing!
This is GREAT! I love it! The whole time, you keep this really good pathern of rhyming and when read out loud, it has a great beat and feel to it. I also love how dark it is! The whole thing keeps on track. Your whole poem has this great feeling of hopelessness and want mixed into it. Like I said, I really love it! Very good writing, keep it up and keep writing!
This is a decent poem, with alot of good hings in it, but there are a few bad things that are really crossing out everything else you are doing.
1st stanza:
I really like how you start this out. Makes it seem like there is already something hurting and writing this hurts you more, but you are just hoping that it will make something better. Very good with that. Im not really liking your last line here though. It doesnt have as strong as a feel to it as the others inthis stanza do.
2nd stanza:
Your 2nd and 3rd line in this stanza seem off too. Im not really sure why, but they dont seem to sound right when you read the poem out loud.
3rd stanza:
I really like your first 4 lines in this one. They are exactlent! But your last line seems almost cheesy to me, not to be mean. It just sounds so much like a middle schooler would have wrote that. I have seen some people that like to make fun of the little love poems that you get in middle school, but this poem is way too serious to have that in there and it just doesnt fit right.
4th stanza:
This is good...Im not liking the bliss thing that much though. I like the line it rhymes with though. Yeah, line 8 is just the only thing wrong in this stanza.
5th stanza:
Exalent stanza! Very good! I really like the 1st four lines in this one.
6th stanza:
I would have to say this is my favorite stanza. It kinda gives the read a chill down their spin when they read it. I dont know why, but I think lines 1, 5, and 8 are what cause this chill. I really like it!
7th stanza:
Im not liking how you broke up line 3 and 4. Sounds really choppy and gross when you read it. But I love your last line, it really sums up your whole poem.
Like I said, you are doing some good things, but those few bad things here and there really are hurting this poem. I believe this poem has alot of potential, keep writing!
Wow...This is extremly good. It kinda reminds me of my poem Reflections except mine is about the outside looks of the girl. But soon I will be writing other poems that will expand on it, I have actualy wroten one that will end up being Part III and the one that I first wrote will be Part II.
But that is besides the point, lets get to your poem!
1st stanza:
Very good imergry. And also a good setting of the setting.
2nd stanza:
I really like the soften the glare part with your own hand. This seem impossible. People know they have to use words to soften somebody emotions, but the way you are using your hand to do such a thing is great! I also love the secound line! Makes even the girl seem a bight empty.
3rd stanza:
This one was great till I got to the past word. I dont have a dictonary with me and I dont know what that word is or how to pronounce it so it doesnt make since to me or rhyme. But I love the listing kinda pattern thing.
4th stanza:
I love how love even was locked away when its opposite thing went away. Very good. It actualy does happen like this.
5th stanza:
I like this alot. Im really starting to relieve I do relate to this poem even though I am trying so hard to stop this, but I know I keep everything protected and locked away.
6th stanza:
Oh! I love how you use the make idea of trying to make someone love themselves! Alot of people dont hear of this but I think that it is the hardest thing for some of us to do.
7th stanza:
The wishing that she could tell part kinda opposites everything. I think maybe it should be changed alittle.
8th stanza:
Awesome! I love how you wrap the poem up! Well done!
All in all, this is an awesome poem! There are some really good things in here but maybe a few things that can be fixed to get your poem a 5! Keep writing! I cant believe you wrote this when you were 13. I sucked at poetry writing when I was 13! Very good!
Oh! This is really good. I love how you repeated 'She's the rose's stem.' so many times. And you didnt over do it or under do it. Very well done. I also like your little lines that are listing things like line 7. I always seem to like lines like that simply cause they tell so much in so few words!
Or do they look beyond
for beauty;
perfection?
Those were my favorite words. Good poem! Keep writing!
Wow, this is good. I have written something much like this but the situation was a little diffrent. But anyways,
Your rhyming patter is great. I didnt find a singal flaw in it. Very good!
Your syllabol patern is also very good.
In your 3rd to last stanza, I know this is so hard to believe. I have had two deaths in the past two years that have really hit me hard and were out of surprise, and I remember everyone telling me this. Since than, I have began to lose my faith cause I cant believe some of the things that go with that. But I knew someone who actualy told his parents that on his death bed. The crazy thing is that he was only 17(I believe) So there are some really strong people out there like that.
I think that most people will be able to relate to this poem. And if they cant yet, than they will be able to adventualy. Very good poem. Keep writing.
Wow...this is really good. Your imagery is great. Your patern was also very good. One part I did not like was in stanza 7. The last line, Im not sure which languge that was, but I know I dont understand it and the way I read it did not rhym to me, throwing that off. But other than that small thing, I really liked this.
This is really good, although I would make one change to it. In your first stanza, in the fourth line, I think you should just stop after slowing. It just sounds better for some reason. Than I would make the rest of that line into a whole new line, that way laughter still rhyms with something. Just an idea.
This could sound alot better if you just stuck to a ryhming pattern! Right now, it sounds ok, but stick a good ryhming pattern in there and it would sound really good! Also try breaking it up into smaller, easer to work with stanzas. It is easyer to fallow a ryhming pattern in four line stanzas. Just a few ideas.
This is very good! Im not going to tell you how to fix your ryhming pattern or anything like that, because I see that you put your heart into this and you weren't using your writting skills to write this, you were using your heart. I know how it feels to go though something like that. I have been there and im still going though that! Just stay strong! Keep writting from your heart!
It is really good, but you should try to ryhm more and than you would have a really great poem! I know how it feels to go though such thoughts and I know how it feels when the blade doesn't hurt as bad as the pain that someone elts had caused you. Try working on your rhyming, and than I would rate it as a 5 star! ^_^
It has alot of potental, but there is no rhyming pattern behind it. You have a good subject to work with, but it doesn't sound that good and doesn't have as strong as an impact because the absentence of ryhming. Try rhyming a few things in there and it will begin to sound really good.
I like the idea that you paint in my head, but repeating yourself is never good unless you know how to do it! First thing, you said me way too much and that was what you used to ryhm your lines. I don't like that. Some stanzas did sound good, but other just needed alot of work and you need to change some of your wording that way you arent using me at the end of your lines as much as you are!
It is ok but the way you end your lines and stanza doesn't work well.I think of lines as an indavual sentence or statment and a stanza is an idea.So the way you just seemed to stop your lines in the middle of them to contuie in the next line made your poem sound choped up into pieces that should have been choped diffrently.The same thing with your stanzas.Just remember that next time you write! ^_^
It was good, but it took me a while to understand. It sounds really good.The first part of it really hite me hard!I liked it alot.I personaly find that love poems are the most boring, stupid, and mostly written poems,so that was why I rated it so low.Although you did a good job with this one!Keep up the good work!Your ryhming and everything sounds good!
I like the thought,but your words just don't work together.I don't know why you spread it so far apart either.If I were you,I would type everything just normaly without an extra line between your written line.Also try ryming your lines with each other,that way your words flow of the tongue,kind of like water.
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