Moon Beam!
At last I made it back to your port. Since this is the third time I’ve reviewed this piece for you and you’ve rewritten it, I’m going to play editor tonight. I think this is the best way for me to show you what I mean. My changes are suggestions. Take them as you will. The booboos I found most were missing commas, shifting verb tense, repeated words or the same words used too often in close proximity to each other.
I’ll probably get yelled at for posting this as a public review, but honestly, there were so many places I wanted to note that I felt it necessary to post the whole thing.
I hope this helps you see what I meant in past reviews. Let me know if you have more questions or need anything else.
Best regards,
~Traci
It was a coolcomma winter night and Kristy tossed a rock into the calm water of the pond behind her house. She watched the ripples shimmer in the light from the full moon. The night breeze carried her breath out and away in puffy clouds. As she looked up at the star filled sky, snowflakes fell upon her face and mingled with the warm tears flowing from her redhyphen rimmedcomma green eyes. As She licked her lips she could to taste the salty tears at the corner of her wet lips mouth. The glittering snowflakes lightly dusted her longcomma wavycomma brown hair as it which hung loosely down her back.
“Why? Why can’t I just be loved like everyone else?” she asked the night.
Kristy wanted someone to love her, but she has always felt like she was never meant to be born. Her parents abandoned her when she was five. They took her to her aunts’ aunt’s house one night and never came back for her. She can't couldn’t remember much about them, but the main thing she remembered was except that they she never told her that she did not tell her not one time that they loved her. Her aunt put her up for adoption when she realized they Kristy’s parents were not coming back. “I don’t have time to raise a little brat like you!” Her aunt had said just be for she walked out the doors of the shelter houseperiod and Kristy never saw her again.
New ParagraphA family adopted her one time, but when they won the lottery they took her back sayingsemicolon “We don’t need you anymore! We just adopted you so we could get a check!” They kept her in a small room in the attic. She could remember the cold nights when she slept at the attic door just to feel the warmth coming out from under the door the next room and the hot summer days she would lay in her bed so exhausted from the heat that she didn't feel like doing anything.
The shelter house was full of cruel kids that used to pick on her. Cruel kids picked on her in the shelter house. She could hear the voices echo in her head. "Stinky Kristy has holey feet!" "Don't get too close to Kristy! The rats in her nappy hair will jump out and bite you! She would lay on her smallcomma hard cot with a thin blanket and cry herself to sleep most nights, but sometimes she would get a feeling someone was watching watched over her.*period* Kristy could hear a voice sayin her head tell her that everything would be okay. semicolon "Be strong Kristy. Everything will be okay."
New paragraph.The shelter mostly fed the kids dry cereal for breakfast, a plain cheese sandwich for lunch, and for supper comma they would get a small bowl of beans with a slice of bread. Every now and then she would get lucky and the bread would not be old and stale. Sometimescomma the boys that sat across the table from her would toss pieces of the stale bread in her hair and laugh at her. "Look! Kristy is feeding the rats in her hair!" She was only allowed to have two pairs of clothes so if one pair got dirty she could wear the other pair till she could get some soap to wash them. The shelter provided two uniforms and though Kristy tried to keep hers clean, she often found herself scrambling to wash them, fighting for a handful of soap. Sometimes she had to just use water. Her shoes had holes in them and were one size too small for her feet.
She was in and out of many foster homes before she ended up here. This was the worst one of them all. She could not leave until she turned eighteen and that is six months away. Her newcomma adoptedcomma alcoholic father beat her nearly every day. After school she would come home and quietly sneak upstairs to her roomcomma hoping he would pass out before he realized she was home. She hid in her small closet shaking from fearcomma, sobbing. Sometimescomma he would find her in there and drag her out by the her hair, of her head kicking and screaming. He mostly used his bare hands, but sometimes he would take off his belt and beat her with it till she stopped screaming. He would tell her that if she ever told anyone what he did she would regret it. She could still hear his drunken slurred words in her head. " If you ever tell anyone I will beat you so bad that nobody will recognize you!" "Nobody wants you, because you're worthless!"
Kristy dropped to her knees in the icy snow as she clenched a knife in her hand that she took out of her adopted fatherapostrophes pocket when he passed out on the couch for the night after he beat her. She watched the reflection on the water as the light from the full moon reflected danced off the coldcomma ridged rigid steel.
“I just can’t take it anymore!” she choked out.
Kristy held out her wrists and sliced through the warm flesh. She winced at the excruciating pain, but the pain was no comparison to the agonizing pain felt nothing like the agony that filled her heart. She dropped the bloody knife in the snow and watched the warm liquid seep from her wrists. She could feel the warm trails of blood run down her arms and drip off her elbows. She began to get dizzy and faint as Feeling dizzy and faint, she watched a darkcomma crimson puddle stain the sparklingcomma white snow. Kristy felt her body swaying swayed back and forth like the ripples on the dirty water of the pond across the dirty pond water. She could feel the life draining from her as her body began to tingle and go numb. Life drained away and her body tingled then went numb. At that same momentcomma her mind let go of all the feelings, the pain, the sorrow the emptiness of being alone. heart went numb to all her feelings. She didn't care anymore. All she wanted was to die so the aching in her heart would stop. She closed her eyes as her last tear rolled down her windhyphenchapped face and fell forward into the icy pond. As she opened her eyes and looked upcomma she could see the trail of blood coming from her wrists. *period* She sank closer to the mossy bed of the pond. The dirty water stung her lungs as it pushed the air from her body. Kristy slowly closed her eyes as she welcomed welcoming the darkness surrounding her that embraced her.
****
Zaine hovered above the coldcomma dirty water as he watched Kristy sink further away from him. The longer he watchedcomma the more he panicked as he realized that he would never see her again. He can't couldn’t stand the thought of her dieing this dying that way. He loves loved her too much.
He looked up to the heavens and saidcomma “Not this way. Let me save her.”
A strongcomma soothing voice spoke in his head.*period* “There is only one way. Are you willing to sacrifice your innocence for her?”
“I have watched her grow into the woman she is now and as I watched my love for her has grown as well. I love her too much to see her die like this so my answer is yes. I am willing to sacrifice everything for her.”
The voice spoke “Then so it will be.”
As Zaine spread his longcomma feathered wings and held out his armscomma as a blinding light broke through the clouds and struck him. His wings broke free from him and dissolved into the bright light. Warm tears flowed from his eyes, a sensation he never felt before. that he has never felt before. Senses awoke in the former angel: smell, taste, touch, things he could not grasp before that moment for having been deprived of them all his eternal life. He began to feel all the senses and tastes that he has been deprived of. His heart began to ache from the love he felt for Kristy.
For the last time the voice saidcomma “For you sacrificing your innocence I shall grant your wish and let you have her.”
The light disappeared into the clouds just as quickly as it appeared. Zaine felt the cold sensation of the water as he hit the surface. He has never felt cold. He never knew cold before that moment. He quickly dived down through the dirty water in search for Kristy. When he reached the bottomcomma he saw her limp body. He grabbed her around the waist and quickly kicked to the surface. As his face met the cold night aircomma he sucked in a deep breath of fresh air. He swam over to the bank and pushed her up out of the water onto the snowhyphen covered ground. He climbed up the muddy bank side and kneeled over her. He ripped pieces off his robe and binds bound her wrists to stop the bleeding. He placed his hands on her chest and began to press.
“Come back to me Kristy. Let me love you like you should be.” He gently placed his lips mouth over her coldcomma wet lips and breathed life back into her lungs.
When he raised sat upcomma Kristy spit out water and gasped for air. As the air filled her lungs she began to open her eyes. Her eyes flickered as her vision cleared and she found herself looking up at the most handsome face she had ever seen. He looked at her with beautifulcomma caring blue eyes.*period* His hair was as golden as honey and with his perfect lips he formed a smile. She could feel the warmth of his gentle embrace around her trembling body.period* Zaine picked her up and carried her to the oldcomma runhyphendown barn on the other side of the pond. He sat down on a pile of hay as he and cradled her in his arms.
Kristy softly whisperedcomma “Who are you?”
Zaine gently brushed the wet hair from her face. as he said “I thought I had lost you forever,” he replied.
The gentlecomma soothing voice sounded so familiar to her. It brought a sense of peacefulness within her. She felt so warm and content in his strong arms. It was the same voice that soothed her to sleep at nights when she lived at the shelter house as a child. The only voice she ever loved because it was the only one that brought her comfort and that did not demean her. speak to her like she was the dirt on the ground.
“Zaine.” For some reason she knew his name and it shocked her.
“I have been watching over you for so long and I have longed to hold you in my arms. I have waited so long to tell you that I love you Kristy.” Insert some body language hear or some caring action, even an inflection of awe/love/yearning in his voice.
Tears welled up in her eyes and her voice shook as she saidcomma “I have waited so long to hear someone say those words, but nobody loves me. Just let me die.”
Zaine cradled her face in his hands as his breath lightly brushed across her face cheek. *period* “I can't let you die. I love you Kristy.”
Kristy closed her eyes and tears rolled down her cheeks as he pressed his lips to hers. She felt loved for the first time in her life. It was a feeling she never felt before. She wrapped her arms around his strongcomma broad shoulders hoping that if she held him there the feeling would never go away. He slowly slid her off his lap onto the golden hay. She felt the overwhelming urge for him to hold her and love her like she has always dreamed of. His tongue lightly teased her lips and she opened to taste the sweetness of his love. As their lips parted from the spellbinding kisscomma Kristy released a soft sighed from deep within her aching body. An irresistible aching for the man holding her, consumed Kristy. Zaine trailed soft kisses down her neck to her small collarbone, as he unfastened her pants. He raised her up and slowly slid her pants off. He caressed her soft inner thigh as his hand slowly made found its way to her panties. The gentle caress sent warm chills of delight throughout her body. He pulls pulled them off and tosses tossed them to the side with her pants.
Zaine leans leaned over her to claim her lips as he sensually rubbed her the juicy folds between her trembling thighs. Kristy wanted him inside of her. She slowly untied his robe and gently slid it off his shoulders. He shrugged it off onto the golden hay beneath them. She can could feel the pulse of his manhood against her leg and it intensified the urge her desire for him.
He couldn’t wait to feel her warm wetness around his aching manhood as he knelt between her aching thighs. He has waited so long to show Kristy how much he loves loved her.
Zaine huskily whisperedcomma “Tell me you love me. I will not go any further if you do not.” He held his breath as he waited for her to answer, hoping she loved him as much as he loves loved her.
Kristy pulled his face down to hers and hesitated for a brief moment as she looked into his crystal blue eyes. She could see the love in the watery depths. “I love you. I have always loved you.”
Zaine released a deep groan before he pressed his lips to hers and gently slid his manhood inside her. Both of them claimed each other’s innocence as they made passionate love. Everything seemed to fade faded away except for the undeniable love they showed for each other. As she rubbed her hands down the slender curves of his back she can feel felt the warm wetness of blood coming from where his wings used to be. The sweat on their bodies glistened in the moonlight shining that shone down on them from a hole in the barn roof. *period* Snowflakes lightly dusted the air surrounding them. They fell further into the world of ecstasy with each passing minute. Kristy’s body filled felt her body fill with a sensation she had never felt before and with each thrust she was sent her further over the edge. She buried her face into his chest as she muffled a longcomma deep moan.
New paragraph.Zaine felt her hot juices engulf his manhood. His body began to tremble as he released his seed into her body and joined her in the blissful world of ecstasy.
As they laid in the hay with their bodies entwined under the moonlight Zaine whispered into her earcomma "*no space here* I love you Kristy. Let me take you far away from this place. Will you come away with me?"
Kristy tightened her grip around him as happy tears filled her eyes. *period* and says "Oh, yes, Zaine. Yes!"
Zaine held her in his warm embrace as she snuggled closer to him and gently kissed her on the forehead. He watched her as she fell into a deep sleep for the first time since she was a baby.
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I love to read things so smoothly written.
That was mean. It stopped me every time and made me go- drat!
