Title: "Vampiric Interdiction: Prologue"
Author: Talicia Em
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Plot: This chapter flows well, and introduces the (presumably) two main characters of the story, but at the end, I was sort of left wondering where the story would go from here. No conflict is introduced. We don't really ever find out who Villahr and the baby are, how they fit into a bigger picture, or what their motives are. Where does the story go from here? I guess it just lacks a hook, something to keep the reader reading (though, for the record, I would keep reading anyway because I like your descriptive writing style).
I think the internal dialogue at the beginning of the story went on a little too long. A few of the sentences are redundant. Consider consolidating/pruning it down JUST A LITTLE.
Rating(/5):
Scene: A dark and broken house, full of misery and broken glass. And then a glorious sunrise that goes unappreciated. Fantastic images! I could picture the whole story. And your gradual physical description of Villahr was skillfully done. The description of him was fully integrated into the story itself, rather than being bluntly stated in some random place in the story. Well done!
Rating(/5):
Character development: We know Villahr is an "elder" of some organization or group (is that what you mean by "elder Vici"?) He has a kid that was brought into the world under tragic circumstances. Some bad stuff has happened to him, and he's inconsolable about it. That's all we really know about him. As far as this chapter is concerned, for all I know he's just going to sit and contemplate his misery for the rest of the book. Again, consider dropping a few hints as to where the story is going to go from here.
Villahr's state of mind definitely comes across in the story--his despair is palpable. It shows us that he cares about the welfare of others, loves deeply, and feels responsible for the events of his past. I enjoyed delving so deep into a character's mind.
He tried to put himself in Reveal’s place on that eve — he must have been terrified. His home was being invaded, that’s all he understood, and it was apparent that it was time to get out of there and find a new one. We're talking about the day Reveal was born, right? He probably didn't understand ANYTHING if that's the case. I find it weird to think that he was already associating a place as "home" even though he had been born not a day earlier. (I don't know much about kids though, haha.)
Rating(/5):
Style/grammar/spelling/punctuation: I'm not big on vampire stuff (though the only hints so far that we may be dealing with vampires are the title of the story and the mention of Villahr's heightened senses...and MAYBE his long white hair ), but I enjoyed reading your prose. It flows well, and you craft your sentences carefully. And in the fourth paragraph below the italicized text, I really admire how you completely avoid using the word "heart" there. Such a great example of the ART of good writing.
Some typos I spotted and some editorial suggestions:
As he watched, an owl landed on one of its arms, (period, not comma) he listened to its cries hoping it would drown out the(?) guilt-filled screams within.
...and exhausted breaths from the small bundle nuzzled in against(?) his chest.
The whistling winds and branches tickling the window face, had scared him into consciousness... That comma is distracting--puts an unnatural pause in the sentence.
...and pressed his tiny cheek to the older man’s chest. "Older" seems a curious qualifier here--the only other person in the room for him to be older than is the baby, and of course that goes without saying. Consider rewording a little--when you say "older", do you mean he's middle-aged, or even older than that? Another thing to consider is whether knowing his age is really important for the reader at this point in the story.
The small cinders hit the mesh curtain surrounding it and dropped to the ground...
Villahr lifted the hand not supporting Reveal’s bitty backside and stretched his digits, his index finger coming very close, but within a narrow margin of the flesh, he pulled back. First of all, "bitty" is adorable, but it kinda doesn't conform to the tone of the piece, in my opinion. We're utterly submersed in Villahr's darkest thoughts, and then there's a...bitty baby butt.... Second, the sentence itself is a bit convoluted. The way the sentence is set up, "flesh" seems to refer to the baby's backside, since that was the last "flesh" mentioned.
Despite the slight chill that seeped in through a crack in the pane he’d found to replace the horribly splintered one that once occupied the space, the room was exactly the same as it was. So, with the pane with the single crack in it, it's now COLDER than it was with the "horribly splintered" pane? Seems to me like there would be LESS of a draft. Consider rewording?
Villahr hardly laid eyes upon his child anymore...
However, there are certain things better left cloaked in darkness, and from now on - Villahr knew... Hyphen should be a comma.
...it was about Reveal's safety...
The sight brought pain and sadness, yet his eyes would not turn from it...
His fare fair, white skin shone...
Rating(/5):
My favorite thing about this story: The descriptions of the scene--all five senses are evoked. It really drew me in.
Overall: I enjoyed this story. I got pretty into it as I read. However, it seemed to be building up to something that never happened. It's just the prologue, of course, but to me it read like a stand-alone scene--it doesn't give much direction. It introduces characters, which is great, but I'm not sure it serves the function of a prologue. Could you combine this with your chapter 1, or does Chapter 1 involve a large time shift and/or a shift to a new set of charcters? If you can't combine it, consider dropping more hints as to WHY this prologue is important to the rest of the story--WHY does the reader need to have knowledge of this evocative scene?
Let me know if you questions about any of my comments, and please post Chapter 1 soon!!!
Overall Rating(/5):
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" . |