Nice story. However, the killing of the soldier at the end came as a shock as throughout the story there was no hint of such an intense hatred in Séamus' heart.
Therefore, it does not seem justified.
Otherwise, I could almost imagine myself sitting in the pastures with Séamus.
Some small typos and suggestions:
"they had all totoo often any more."
"In the past Séamus had had problems with wolves taking sheep from the flock during the night, both the four and two legged kind."
You can rephrase this to
"In the past Séamus had had problems with wolves, both the four and two legged kind, taking sheep from the flock during the night."
This will make sure that the wolves are both four legged and two legged kinds and not sheep.
"Even now Séamus recalled knowing that she had young men queuing up to court her and it was she who had chosen himshe had chosen him., as to whyWhy?heHe could only guess and be thankful that he was so lucky, for he loved her very deeply.
Well Said!!!
We have a tendency to side with the underdog and we fail to see "both sides of the story". Definitely, no one would want to be mean just for the sake of being mean. There has to be some reason behind it.
Interesting Thought. Strangely enough, I saw a tomboy in the mall some days earlier and the very same thought struck me...
Yes, life is not fair...
The song at the end is good too. Though I feel some lines are too long and disrupt the rhythm.
Apart from this, all seems good. I enjoyed this write-up thoroughly,
Cheers,
Vibha
I think this is very thought-provoking. Great material for philosophy. However, in most parts, this does not flow like a poem should, in my opinion. It has an inconsistent rhythm.
Hope you don't mind my thoughts on this. But I feel that you would need to recite the poem to yourself and insert pauses or restructure lines to make the rhythm better. This is how I try to do it well. :)
This poem is successful in conveying the horror of lost beauty through images. While reading it, I could actually imagine the subject of the poem and her face. So if you want to know about imagery, this poem is a good example for it.
Hi Ashtree,
I enjoyed this poem mostly because I see examples of the type of person depicted in the poem everyday around me. Everyone at some time in life is like this Poor lost boy.
Suggestion:
The last part of the poem "But only....in the darkness" stands out in the poem as it does not seem to match the rhythm of the rest of the poem.
Wow!! I was compelled to read this more than once. Beautiful imagery.
Only a couple of suggestions:
1) Some lines wrap to the next one causing a bit of confusion. For example:
when the world drowns
me, water to lung,
I think, it will be better to include "me" in the first line instead of wrapping it to the next. It makes it a little difficult to read the poem in a flow.
2) The last line is too long as compared to the rest of the lines of the poem. I wonder if this was intentional. It makes it appear as the gist of the poem rather than a part of it.
How True! Motherhood is one of the most beautiful phases of life. My sister just became a mother and she seems to have become more beautiful. Both physically and as a human.
Some suggestions:
I think this is too short for a short story. Maybe you can add more details.
Try breaking the piece into smaller paragraphs.
Try not to use sentences that are too long. For example,
"You are irritated that you have only slept for three hours and want nothing more then to crawl back into your warm bed but on the other hand, This little angel, bundle of joy, this great big smiling baby, all she wants is to play with her mommy."
is a really long sentence with some punctuation errors and some casing issues.
Hope you don't mind my suggestions as I am sure that this piece is very close to your heart. :)
Lovely! The only thing I can suggest is that using punctuation marks correctly will make it more readable and easier to understand. I had to read the poem three times to fully understand it. And each time I read it I discovered something new about it. As I said earlier, your thoughts flow well and you express them beautifully.
Saina,
This is the second poem of yours that I am reading and it is lovely. Beautiful imagination and a beautiful way of expressing yourself. Who could think anyone could write such beautiful poetry about someone as materialistic as a game addict! kudos to you.
Thanks,
Vibha
Hi Saina,
I like the thought behind the poem. I guess you are still working upon this. Missing punctuations and incorrect casing makes the poem hard to read at times. The ideas flow smoothly and are expressed beautifully. Please keep writing and sharing your work with us.
Regards,
Vibha
Hey hummingbird,
I just happened to reach this poem through the Public Review page. And I must say this one made me sad. I am sorry about your brother. But I am sure he is up there, looking down at you with lot of pride.
Thanks for sharing this,
Vibha
This is so sad. Danielle definitely deserved to be herself and live. She would have led a tough life if she had survived. Or she would have had to hide herself like Ms. Haven.
When will we ever learn to accept the fact that everyone is different and to accept everyone as they are? Suggestions
"Aunt Sarah had called to say his things were gone and that he must have left in the night."
If you are using "his" and "he" to convey that Aunt Sarah said these words then it would be better to include these in quotation marks else just use "her" and "she".
"Danielle learnedleaned back in her chair and picked up the assignment, laughing inside, she thought, I'll give her a story."
The poem is going good. I am not sure but it seems that you are not finished with this as the poem seems to end a bit too abruptly.
I have one specific suggestion:
How about "Have I known this feeling" instead of "Have I felt this feeling".
Hi Axilea, This is very beautiful. I think I do understand what you are describing through the perfect symbolism. I am not aware of the technicalities of poetry but this, to me, sounds perfect. I re-read the poem several times but could not find anything where I can suggest something.
Thanks for sharing this.
Take Care,
Vibha
Mostly nice except the part that the first two lines and the last two lines do not seem related at all. In the first two lines you are talking about something that hurt you, and the next two you are talking about your friend. Both these should have been related ab adding more lines in between.
Maybe you can add something about how your friend stood by you when you were hurt. Therefore, even today if the dreams end, you will turn to the same friend.
You are right. I wasn't able to stop reading this story till the very end. The end disappointed me a little. But as you say, this is the beginning of a story. i hope you plan to post more chapters. I will like to know what happened at the disco, that made is so empty and yet "not empty" :)
Greg, this is absolutely amazing. You can express yourself beautifully and to do it through rhyming poetry, incredible. What do I say? Just wish that I could think and write like this.
Just one suggestion though:
A nation’s pride – it's winning shield
Bright skies replace the rain,
These lines sound disconnected or may be I am not able to understand this.
BillK, This is beautiful. I can totally relate to your keeping distance from the door. Sometimes we spoil something that appears perfect from a distance by coming too close and knowing too much.
Though I know I do not have any knowledge about this, I would have liked the word "scented" instead of "perfumed" as it goes with the flow of the poem. And to me, "perfume" seems to mean something synthetic or artificial.
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I am heartbroken. This is so sad!!
