Good basic poem! I suggest you read it through once more, delve into the feelings the poem conjures up in you. Have you captured all the various tints and shadings of emotion into your words? Do your words speak to you, subtly or bluntly ? Read with an eye of change.. If you are satisfied with the poem, if it means volumes to you exactly in its form, then by all means do not change it, because it is an expression of you, and you have the final authority over its nature.
I think the part that bothers me most is perhaps the various almost-cliche's tossed about. Can you rephrase anything in a way more telling of you?
Good repetition of the first lines. I like to find such touches in poetry :)
Remember, a 3.0 is average -- you are above average, and what's important is the potential to grow higher!
you have almost a spiritual voice of expression. yes, there do seem to be holes somewhere -- perhaps an area marked with a "." a " " and then followed by a capital letter , that beg the author to write more and more. To be less vague, I think this is a great piece that would love to be stretched and repaired with more sentences of such effervescent taste.
As a female, I was placed once more in the circumstances of receiving even a single flower - first the pleasure I feel towards he who gave it to me; then the rapturous "emburyment" into the wonderfully contenanced still-breathing thing, letting the misty scent swirl into me, becoming a part of me that I wish to add over and over. You came so near to this experience -- poignant employment of vocabulary.
I particularly like the tad of a line in which you used the word "dragnet" ~ "but with such elegance our whole lives are caught in the dragnet that is their wake. "
" will choose a child's drawing over diamond earrings anytime.
I will choose poetry from a loved one over a bottle of the most expensive perfume.
I will choose to cry over feeling nothing at all.
I will choose the humor and the smile over the beauty or the brawn."
"The intersection was grubby, with a liquor store on the left, a 7-11 on the right." This line seemed to fit in a bit awkwardly, perhaps shave off a couple syllables, like the "on the"'s, they aren't essential to your meaning. I like this, even if it is kind of depressing in it's reality
"His eyes lit up. A smile filled his face as his shaky, dirty hands took my gift.
"Thank you. Thank you, mister. This will be a lifesaver; it sure will."
Driving away, I felt good inside, my gesture giving my spirits quite a lift.
"You know, we really should help out people like that a whole lot more."
"Look behind you." Turning, I saw the beggar hurrying inside the liquor store."
THIS was my favorite stanza! But, something curious just occured to me ~ there is actually a line in the Bible, somewhere near the end of Proverbs when Lemuel or some guy named something like that is getting advice from his mother - it says something like, Kings and Princes do not deserve to drink, lest they forget the law, but give wine to beggars and the poverty-stricken, and it will ease their misery. But of course, that's assuming their misery wasn't caused by addiction to the drink!
Your subject is a much-written upon one, good job for
expressing it originally! The more I read it, the more I like it (of course, who can ever read a poem just once?!). My favorite two lines are:
"Asleep in some subconscious abyss
Never to lament in sorrow"
I like that, a poem lamenting in sorrow (perhaps over a hurt...)
Well done!
This is excellent, powerful, and moving. I agree totally with what you say; people tend to take
the force of crime-fighters for granted and grumble when they are caught doing something
trivial though illegal. Some of them obviously don't have enough imagination to realize
what kind of hell hole we would live in, were there no law. Hello!! Lord of the Flies people!!
I know everyone's read it, it's required reading material -- and that's why! Thank-you for writing
such a needed piece -- I have no suggestions to improve it, you wrote it truly well.
I like this! Interesting thoughts. My favorite part was your last line, "If only time,
was with me then." Um, in the third to last line I think you meant "have":
"What could ahve been...if only]" , and there was never a beginning to your,
um, whatever you call them, ] <those things. Your imagery was excellent, bringing to mind
the setting and your thoughts.
All the best! -cara
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/volatilewind
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 8:16pm on Nov 15, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
, that beg the author to write more and more. To be less vague, I think this is a great piece that would love to be stretched and repaired with more sentences of such effervescent taste.