This is a sad, and well-written story. I expected the twist before I got to the last bit though, taking away the suspense of your story.
The only thing that I would change is:
Sleep didn’t come easy any more but perhaps he didn’t want it to, perhaps he felt he didn’t deserve its gift of escape. - To change it to 'as easy'. This is because the way its written is like the character is talking to the reader while throughout the rest of your piece, it is not written like this.
I didnt expect the Mayflower to appear in the piece in the way that it did. It was enjoyable though.
I enjoy the flow and the type of writing and words that you use. Its individual and captivating.
The only thing that I would change is to make it in present tense rather than in past as I feel it could connect more with the reader about the abondament and demolishment of the house than it does now.
This is an emotional, heart felt, touching, sensitive, decriptive and definetely unique piece.
I love the characters and the relationships between them, especiall the mother-daughter one. It conveys love in a very strong way and the plot is incredibly good. The strength that both these woman have shown is amazing and adds so much to this story.
I definetely did not expect the father would be a twin-brother and honestly i dd have the sterotypical 'eww' moment but it really does add that individuality and completeness to your piece. I find that, that relationship between the mother and father is what the story revolves around for me rather than Noni's sickness even though it may seem the opposite. This is because earlier on, it hints at the grandparents not liking the relationship between there son and daughter and when this mystery and suspense is lifted, it ties the whole plot in together.
I also really enjoy that, even though this story ends with death, it shows a calmness rather than angst and a peaceful happiness rather than the depressed side of what the mother would be feeling.
I can't find anything to critiscie on because your writing certainly kept me hooked and I absolutely adored this piece.
It was beyond what I expected.
I enjoy the pattern of the rhyming. It adds to the poem rather than making it cluttered and lullaby-like as I find some rhyming poems do.
I love this tale of long lost, its so sad but seems to have a hint of hot passion mixed in.
The tale that is configured in my head from this piece is two ex-es, that the girl maybe cheated or betrayed him and he loved her a lot but had to break up with her because he was so hurt. Now they both miss each other.
=) I like this. The highemotions, the excitement, the perserverance and descriptive language all tie in together to make a very good piece, that leaves me feeling,light.
Even though it is short, I see the potential of the writer through the short work.
I enjoy how this haiku is set as present tense. It gives it a nice touch because it is as if I, as the reader, am watching the proceedings. =)
The critiscism that I have is that if someone had never heard of 'Jalapeno' before then they would not have known of the spiciness other than the word 'Burning' which, could mean that the temperature is hot or that the food is spicy.
This piece has me in a hypnotic trance. I imagine this character has been maybe a little bit older than the average party girl/guy, she/he being a little lost and drowning their sorrows in drinks, someone that has been so accustomed to a certain way of life that they have now forgotten why they go out every night. I long to give this character a hug...
I like the first few lines that describe the setting. You have a nice descriptive writing style.
This isn't what I know as a vignette, but maybe my teacher taught me wrong, I don't know.
Forgetting about that, i like the character Tim. You describe him very well and his emotions come through in the writing.
I especially like his 'movie' as the relationship between him and his mother shows why certain things would be playing inside of his head now, in adolseecence.
In my opnion the ending can be drawn out a little longer as the sudden attraction between the two boys is shocking and derails me off the track of mind that I was on. Maybe by hinting at a love or lust earlier in the piece would stop me from reacting to the news at the ending.
The writing is well set out, interesting and pretty descriptive. I enjoy it.
The aspects of a vignette are fulfilled in this piece and I enjoy that the insight of both of the characters minds are included here.
I dislike where your piece cuts off as I would of liked to know the reaction of the male character as it would of added something extra here.
I found a couple of grammar errors throughout the piece but nothing too big.
Your piece invokes feeling of a sadness in love which is enjoyable. The suprising confidence that she masters at the end of your piece is also a nice addition.
The setting and the characters are believable. I pull away from this piece thinking that they are long-time friends who now live together with the secret of being in love.
This is short but powerful. Maybe because I can relate so well to this. Torn between two, with one that you can not have but also can not let go while this new man stands before you, ready to give you everything he has to offer and still not being able to make a decision. At least that was my situation and what I got from your poem.
The flow is a bit...harsh but I find it doesn't take away from your piece.
I dislike that some of your lines mesh together, as they are not clearly defined as separate.
However, I do like that you project the message very clearly in such a short space.
You followed the prompt well, I actually feel excited when I read this.
You're a really good writer, judging by this piece at least. I really like it.
And it made me laugh with the ' I’d rather not say.' bit.
The title and description you give, fit well.
It is only at about halfway through that I really classify this as lyrics. For the first half, it seems more poetic and less rhythmatic.
The words flow well and I could imagine this being sang to a pop or even punk sound. But maybe that's just my personal preference.
I can relate to this, especially the first half and I thnik that is why I feel emotions such as sadness, pain, and confusion. It reminds me of a lost love situation.
A way that would make me enjoy this further is that to include description of the time, place, season, setting. It focuses to much on the situation for my liking.
This piece is well written but not too memorable. This is because it's something that have read before, but that is not your fault.
Hello,
I can't help but be honest when I say that the lime merit badge is what caught my attention and not the title of your piece.
Despite of this, I did enjoy your piece. So, it was not a waste.
This poem starts off a little slow for me and I have to read it twice to stop the confusion of who's saying this and what point of view they are coming from. Otherwise, I enjoy the flow of your poem.
I like what you have included in your poem ; the hormones, the troubled teens and the character him/herself being there before.
The title of your poem goes with it but I only figure that out at the end of your piece.
No spelling errors.
I like the language that you have usen here. It makes your poem interesting and well-written.
On the other hand, the flow of your poem isn't as structured as I like, it seems jagged and doesn't roll off my toungue.
-3rd line 'tht' should be that and commars should be put in.
I think my review will be a bit bias because I am smiling so much right now because your poem is so sweet. :)
I like the second line, it sets off the flow in your poem and is a big bang to the start of your piece.
The language that you have usen, is descriptive in a sensual, graceful way and it's something out of the ordinary. With poems, as they have so little words, they need language like which you have usen to make them individually beautiful.
The last line, spins it off with a nice ending, a sad ending.
Hi,
Firstly, to have no title, no specific genre and a undescriptive description will cause people to overlook your poem, to just pass it by. The only reason why I picked it up is because, I myself put work on the reviewing page and I think i should review some things myself. So my advice is to put a title and a description, even if it is short.
This is an emotional poem, that comes through. But this is because of the bluntness of your words, not the choice of words. Putting a bit of mystery in your poem will intrigue readers.
2 out of 3 lines flow well. A couple of the lines may need editing to increase the flow of the poem. Just by re-reading poems, you see where two or three words should be changed and you can do this yourself.
My favourite lines are:
'I scratch
I curse
I pull myself up off the dirt'
-it flows nicely and is filled with emotion of troubles but perservereance which I like.
I hope you continue to write and don't get offended by my review.
The way that your poem flows reminds me of a withcraft spell or curse. It gives off a majestic, traditional, ancient aura. I haven't read anything that flows quite like this, on writing.com. It interested me right from the start.
I have the feeling that you use exclamation points a lot. They do add a rawer feel to your poem but i think, that if you use one type of punctuation that you should also include commars and semi-colons in your poem. Just to seperatre lines and stanzas, to make it more proffesional.
It is a fictional poem, so I can not find a message or event behind it which is what I usually look for but I still enjoy this.
I love this,
Seriously, it almost has me in tears.
Its so true, and I can relate a hell of a lot.
Umm no spelling mistakes that i can find, it flows beautifully and it is completely relatable and shows emotions. The words you have picked have an impact and it does not even seem repetitive.
The flowing of the words is incredible, it rolls straight off the tongue, so I'm not uninterested by this. You invoke emotions through your words really well here. I quite like it.
You cut straight to the core with your writing here. May i suggest, using more complex words/sentences. Make the reader seek out the feelings.
Hello,
I can relate to this, a hell of a lot. It's like it was my own hand that wrote this. This brought back memories, it emmersed me in feelings of being within ones own. Your writing in this flows naturally, each sentence accompanying the previous in a very natural way.
' It’s them who instilled these emotions, the owners of those slightly familiar, happy, taunting voices. They who slash at you and leave the wounds open, bleeding, yet invisible to their own eyes. Perhaps they aren’t aware of it, but they’re not you, are they?' - This stood out to me. I have the same opininon.
This is memorable.
I loved it.
XxX[WalkingZombie]XxX
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