I really liked the idea for this poem and the way it was represented. Its unique and the personification works well.
The Words used carry this piece with gentleness and emotion. But, the flow isnt as well done as everything else. A fast-paced flow would add some nice contrast here.
The flow is done well in this piece except inside of the first two stanzas, the last lines spoil the flow. I like that the flow is fast-paced and how it carrys your words naturally.
This piece could use more powerful words in the first half as I find that it is a bit different than the rest of your poem.
I loved this. A great read. It is incredibly emotion-packed and it portrays emotions as well as a really defined picture to the reader. I like the way its set out and it flows quite well.
In this piece, I don't enjoy the first three lines as much as I enjoy the rest. AFter the first three, it just seems to really jump into what you are saying and it is much more interesting.
I like the way this is written; the line scheme. I also like the wordss that you use because they set your piece apart.
I'm afraid that you got the syllable scheme wrong. The second line is meant to have seven syllables and in this, it has eight. Just cutting out the 'the' will fix this. And it will still make snese.
The first line doesnt flow as well as the other two.
I quite enjoy your finishing line. Its simple and describes well.Leaves me to my own mind to conjure a picture but it insures that the basic symbols are there.
I definetely thought of a business-man at first. The twist at the end of your piece is very enjoyable. I like the descriptive techniques you use here, they keep me entertained.
I found one grammar mistake in the beginnings of your piece. Its a double full-stop.
I thought that this was a great read. It was interesting, yet believable and relatable (my cat too, sleeps in the bathroom sink). The plot is not too far-fetched, not too set and although it does not have a resolution, it makes sense because it is an ongoing tale. Like, what are you gonna do, go see if the cat has sleep problems? Clean its sinuses?
This is also written very well, many hooking lines.
Another masterpiece! This is magical. The ending (or near-ending) gives that Christmas cheer that we all search for. The plot is exciting and their is a whole lot of suspense in this piece. There is a bit of confusion in the middle of this piece which is the downturn but it is captivating.
This is a sweet, captavating piece. I become fully immnesed in your words, picturing what is happening. You do that quite well, describing the sight of this beautiful morning.
You tell your story so well. I love it.
Haha I really enjoy the amusement given from your poem as well as its nursery-like style of rhythm and flow. Its certainly captavating and descriptive as well as unique and interesting.
You filled the prompt as well as putting your own twist to it which i quite enjoyed.
Only thing I would add is in the second last line, there is not an adjective. I think some description would be good there and not at all too much.
I really liked this. The idea behind it and the point you made are relatable and interesting. The description that you have used here, paired with the conjoining words and great use of punctuation makes the piece captavating and well written. The way it is set out is of proper prose and I don't actually have any critiscism for this piece.
'My Father, I , with soaring words
exalt these proud majestic birds
who nest on craggy peaks near heaven
then dive to fields by hunger driven.'
(I think this stanza can be split into two sentences, to improve the flow. What I mean is to put a full stop after 'birds' and then change 'who' to 'They'. It is just between these two lines that the flow becomes jagged, while in the others, it is nice.)
'When they swoop up to fill the beaks
of helpless babies, thunderous shrieks
erupt amidst the solitude.
A warrior's anthem, fiercely brewed.'
(The first line (and second) takes me at least three times to understand. Maybe adding a 'their' or something alike to clarify that the adult birds are feeding their babies.)
'If we in our frenetic race
forget to guard their nesting place
let us be made to see anew
that Hand from which the first one flew.'
(I enjoy the flow used here, the only critiscism that I can give is to un-capitalise the word 'Hand'.)
I don't think the first line should say what it is you are talking about. The word 'Lightning' gives it all away and I think , that instead, you could of described it.
This is an amazing piece. Reminds me of P!NKS video clip, to "Please Don't Leave Me'. The twists and turns are great, I certainly did not expect those actions from Bryan, yet they are not too farfetched, given the situation. I like the sick world you put the reader in, the gun, the temptation, the killing. I like how the ending doesn't end in a blood bath, yet makes a finish and leaves the reader knowing what happens without you spelling it out, word for word.
Hello,
Haha this is... different! Not sure what would possess you to write about this but there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with the spelling or grammar (or punctuaution actually). I like the older era that you write this poem in (thee).
This is short but has a nice flow, and definetely unique.
I like the bit of mystery that is hear. For me, it's easy to figure out while you don't point out exactly what you are talking about; you don't shine it under a beacon.
I like the lst two lines more, theres just omething about the first one that is too similar with the words. Lots of 'e's and 's's.
I would use different rhyming words here rather than keeping with the same couple of rhymes through the piece. For e.g. 'ay' is used three times. It becomes too repetitve and doesnt help the flow.
Also, use fullstops. They let the reader take a breath and change the whole idea of what a line means. Too many commas are bad.
Other than that, it does have potential and you have a interesting writing style that includes some mystery which I really like.
In this piece, I enjoy the real, dialogue kind of writing style that you demonstrate. Its interesting and connects with the reader.
I would be careful about repeating yourself. I found that, although in different places in the piece, that some lines are quite similar to one an other. If you are going to bring back something that was previously talked about, use more unique words the second time as it gives more of an impact.
Nice draft work, theres a coupe of things to improve on though.
Theres a few spelling mistakes to fix up before the final piece.
Maybe less direct physical descriptions. I dont really know how to explain it but for example, instead of:
'She had blonde hair',
do this:
'Her glowing blonde hair bounced as she ran past.'
In the first parts of this piece, I feel some punctuation should be corrected, especially the lack of comma's in long, complex sentences.
I find there are many different points in this piece and I would prefer it if each point was elongated on,given the reason behind the bad points and what you should do through emotions. Just more description really.
Otherwise, I think you have a good idea for what you want to write. Just elongate. Thats it.
Keep writing!
I would suggest setting this out ina different way. It at the moment is hard to read. This is because I mix up the lines, maybe using double spacing would help. Also the turquoise writing is difficult to see so maybe a darker blue would help.
Now, on to the content, I like the writing style, the flow and the words used are very rhymitical and beautiful. The second line, 'A soft hymn to then ears', I would suggest changing the word 'then' to something else as it does not make sense. I like the last line the most, its simple yet straightforward and using something that is not scientific or real but a persons adaptation. I like this.
This is an amusing pece which I really enjoyed. You convey the main characters thoughts AND feelings really well and you put the reader into the story.
My only critiscism, you say 'that they seemed genuinely happy together' twice,or something quite similar to that earlier in the piece. I don't like the repetition in a short story.
This is a judgemental, anger-filled and definetely well-thought out poem. I like the idea that it is based around and I like how you explain your feelings. It's well done.
The flow could use some working on as in some places it is fast-paced and others, it slows down, without line-meaning as to why.
I really enjoyed this, My favourite lines would be:
'Drink the grape, don’t tend the vineyards' - Well explained without being straight-forward. Amusing.
and
'Burn your skin until only flesh remains,'- True, gives the impression of a different aged person. Well written.
Keep writing, and good work!
XxX[WalkingZombie]XxX
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