Well written and original. I seldom read vampire stories. To me it seems that many are the same story told only in a slightly different way. By the popularity of these tales I’m certainly in the minority. This one however brings a fresh idea into the mix.
I enjoyed the story. Reading for enjoyment I was able to simply read from top to bottom without distraction.
Re-reading and focusing on the story word by word I bring up only things for your consideration. They do not approach suggestions, only my point of view. The story you tell and the way you tell it is, of course, up to you.
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Numeric reference to your edit points. A few questions and comments:
#2
He didn’t seem to be lying or taking the piss or anything like that. (Except in context I don’t know what “taking the piss” means. For a couple of reasons I would change the lines. – (I studied Mikey’s lined face for a moment; he seemed serious. Well, I thought, this should be amusing.) – It simplifies. – What would be the purpose of his lying about whether or not he believed vampires? – Lying appears in the first paragraph.)
#3
‘Oh, yeah? How so?’ I asked. I was actually genuinely interested to know. (This does not seem to fit with “Well, I thought, this should be amusing” at this point. – “I asked” is not needed. Eliminate tags when they are unnecessary.)
Consider something like:
Most people put vampires in the same category as aliens, the Loch Ness Monster and every other beastie and strange occurrence that the National Enquirer writes about. And Mikey was definitely not the type of guy to believe in crap like that. “Yeah, I bet you believe in Bigfoot too.”
“I don’t know nothin’ about Bigfoot. I just know them vampires is real.
‘Oh, yeah? How so?’ I was actually genuinely interested to know.
‘Simple,’ he said. ‘I seen one.’ On the outside I appeared calm, I think, but my mind was a swirling vortex of confusion. Mikey wasn’t lying, that much I knew. I know the truth when I see it. But the idea that a vampire had been spotted by Mikey, yet let him live... Now that was inconceivable to me. We always know when we’ve been seen in our other state. And we always kill the seer.
# 7
Mikey has a beer bottle? This along with finding out they are in a bar should be known at the start. I would set the scene in a new first paragraph. A couple of guys/friends having a few beers in a bar, a few people/a big crowd.
# 11
Shattering a beer bottle should draw the attention of a few patrons or at least the bartender.
#12, 13, 14
Remove “April Fool” and “In the middle of November.” Combine 12, 13 and 14.
I think I was still hoping at that stage that Mikey might bust out laughing, but he still looked as serious as all hell, even though he let a small cynical smile play around his mouth.
# 19
What is a Yitch? Bitch, but with a Y, from a word search. Consider some description of what they are.
# 28
‘How did you see me feed without me knowing, Mikey?’
He snorted. ‘For someone so old yer damn stupid.’ A conflagration of anger flared up in me. How dare this insignificant creature call me stupid? But I kept my face blank and held my temper in check. I wanted to hear what he said. ‘I take it not even the other vampires c’n see ya?’
Earlier in the story Kevin says vampires always know when someone sees them feeding and leaves no one alive who has seen them, but he has not been seen feeding in at least the last two thousand years because of the bracelet, or is it the blood?
# 32, 33, 34
‘While he was on the cross. She couldn’t resist the scent, I do’n think.’ He stared at me, scratching the cap of the bottle against his chin again. His voiced sounded dreamy, far away. ‘She’d ‘ve lived if ye hadn’t found her there. But ye saw her and ye took her to the Dark One. Ye killed my mam, Kevin.’ Understanding dawned on me and memories from that day flooded my mind. I remembered.~32~
‘She was the last thing I ever brought to Lucifer, Mikey. I got out of that business.’~33~
‘Ayuh, I know. Ye drank blood from the Saviour so that Lucifer couldn’t find ye and ye got away. But ye still killed her.’ I was getting tired of this conversation.~34~
The Savior is on the cross.
Mikey’s mother takes some of the Savior’s blood. Mikey will not be born for at least some period of time. Kevin sees her take the blood.
It is unknown just when Mikey drank the Savior’s blood. It would seem that probably he put the bite on mom and acquired the blood from her after Mikey was born. That doesn’t answer why he has the thorn bracelet or even that there is any power in the bracelet since he drank the Savior’s blood to hide from Lucifer. Maybe Mikey drank the Savior’s blood while he was on the cross. If so, why did he wait to kill mom?
(‘She was the last thing I ever brought to Lucifer, Mikey. I got out of that business.’) This seems to reinforce the idea that Mikey got the blood from Kevin’s mother.
(‘She was the last thing I ever SENT to Lucifer, Mikey. I got out of that business.’)
Mikey wants to hide from Lucifer so why would he bring mom to Lucifer? This could be he brought her to the dark-side. She became a vampire. After that Mikey simply killed.
It is unknown how Mikey’s mother might conceive using the blood of the Savior, but it seems she should also be hidden from Lucifer.
The best scenario I can come up with:
Kevin takes the blood of the Savior and at the same time the crown of thorns, which he fashions into a bracelet of thorns. Mikey’s mother also takes blood from the Savior at approximately the same time. Mikey gives mom a little nip at the neck, not to kill but to transform into a vampire. Vampire/Yitch mom uses the blood to conceive Mikey.
This still leaves the question, what happened to mom?
I am confused about the series of events.
# 39
Crown of thorns and bracelet of thorns. I got hung up a little, the ole stake through the heart thing. My fault. It took only a few seconds to realize the counter blessing.
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Absolutely nothing more than my opinions, please make of them what you will.
Wally
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