hey bally
so far out all the stuff of your's I've read this come home to my soul better than any other. recently I've looked out into the gloom of what has been deemed worthy to men only to wonder why it was deemed more favorable to both heart and eye. I believe I've been looking as you say "to know things crucial like what is truly real" it is poems like this one that keep me comming back time after time. thank you my friend for sharing.
your friend warbird_wa
keep up the writing, I'll be back again soon.
I liked the content of this, but I have to admit I had to read it twice to really asorb it. the word flow made it a little hard to read, but made much more sense when read out loud, thus the reason I didn't go to a full five.
Like most of your work it's the depth that always keeps me comming back, and this is no exception, good job!
The points you make are valid, the word choices good, but again I just cant get around the structure, the flow, and the choppines of the over all peice.
the line drops into one word stanzas, the breaking of the thought, these are all things as a reader I need to have whole to get the intent and feeling of what you are trying to say. with out it, your words almost come across as babbling, babbling with a point granted, but babbling none the less.
I can see great potential in your work, but you need to grab your reader, and hold them, and your present form of writing just doesn't do that, at least not me.
as always this is just my opinion, take it for what it is
again very choppy with no real smoothness to your words, its just like you're trying so hard to get your point across that you've just given up on flow.
your consistancy of thought stays true, but as the reader I find the unusual structure of the peice just too distracting to really appreciate what you are trying to say through the peice, even though what your saying is true.
I honnestly belive this could be a really good peice with a lot of work on structure and flow, if you decide to change this let me know and I will more than happily come back and re-rate this.
as always this is your work, and only my opinion, follow your heart
well I guess you can place me in the catagory of having the attention span of a 5 year old, I thought this was a bit too long, and though while it was introspective of the way you see things, I didn't think it came across as well as it could have, you dropped thoughts that belonged together into the next stanza and It made it feel really choppy. I also went through this expecting a climatic ending of some sort, and found myself disapointed at the end.
in the end this is just my opinion, take it for what it is.
I believe this was very good in the fact that it held solidly in the emotions it was trying to convey. you word choices fit well and were kept simple, which as a simple man I appriciate greately, (I hate having to go look words up in my dictionary just to see what someone was trying to say.)
My favorite lines were
Why I can't explain, just know
This desolate heart is hurting,
I've known these feelings all to well, and I thank you for your willingness to share them with me
I thought you expressed yourself rather well in this peice, had some nice imagery, and it wasn't overly wordy, so it kept a kind of simple elegance that I found appealing, don't be suprised to find me making a few return trips. thanks for shareing this with me.
as ussual dude i love where it was going, and i liked the off beat structure, that really helped compleate the image in my mind. you should have finnished it in the same fashion as the rest of it though, three lines with the last pourposful jag in the stucture, that is the only reason i did not give this five!
I am the darkness
Creeping upon you
Corrupting you
Caressing you
Tendrils of night
I like the visual here, this part really pulls out the stops, and catched my attention.
I like the way you have this set up letting the reader know how you visualize each part of the song, but at the same time it pulls the attention away from the peice, which is bad.
I find it's better to let each person find the tempo, the rythm, on their own. putting it together this way, is trying too hard to force the reader into your visual of the song.
I like your word choices, for the most part, the send me down, could use a re-wording there, change into the basic of the song back to a push or pull me down, "send" sounds to wimpy for the lyrics you have. It sounds to coopertive, for a song that has a fighters stance.
I went with the 4.0 due to the set up, like I said above it took my attention away from the peice. I don't know if I would really change it though, because of the insite it gives into your style.
In the end though this is just my oppinion, and you know what they say about those,
LOL this was pretty good love! clear concise and clean! I saw not a thing I could really gripe over, and the reason I went with the rating I did is, its too clean lol I felt like I was back in school lol it was hunorus but very dry, and you probably meant it to be such.
Over all a very good write!
Q: what if you're a bit of all three personalities you mentioned lol?
I have to honnestly say that all though this poem was not really my kind of poem It still read out well. I liked the word choices. I hope to read more from you in the future.
This is great. As I have grown, my respect for my goverment has seriously decreassed. I still love my country, but I don't like, nor do I trust my goverment. our freedom I find remarkedky close to russias freedom during the cold war, when the Iron curtian was still held in place by both sythe and hammer. thanks for sharing this
Having an outlet is as importiant as faceing what has happen, never let anyone tell you that writing these or posting them is wrong. The sharing of such experiances, can greately impact those that read them, and it lets those that have gone through similar times know that they are not alone, just as you are not alone.
My heart and prayers go out to you, that you may find some peace in these times of need.
This was well written too, tho the conversations were a bit dry to me, but could be how I'm reading them. I didn't get as much out of the story as I felt there could of been. A bit of lengthing of the story may be in order. but in the end thats just my opinion. take, leave it, it's up to you.
Hey Mon!.. well as you know Free verse is not my prefered style, in writing, nor in reading and reviewing.
Over all i would say the piece was well done. it had a great strength of emotion through out the piece. you held the theme trough-out the work, and the structure tho hard to see right at first, comes out very clear in the end.
favor the flavor...should that be savor the flavor?
Other than that this was really good! we have all gone through those times, when your mind is the one thing you really need at the moment, but is the only thing you can't seem to find. well at least I have lol!
good ryming and flow! tho the line(though thorns exist, more than a few.) I think could flow just a bit better, but that just my opinion. all in a ll a great job! good luck in the contest!
this was well done but depressing as hell! as a father I am left with a cold chill running down my spine, and a foul taste in my mouth. I can't call this a good stry, well writen yes, a good story no.
sorry man. blaa going to get some coffee and see if I can get rid of that foul taste.
ARRRG! either the end is too short or in this case too long! you are going ta drive me to the brink man! LOL!
really good tale up to the tentical! that kinda killed it for me. and the fish people! would of been beter if you went with suvivors of other attacks. never been real keen on fish people, I didn't even like aquaman as a kid! lol
but with a bluring of the edges and a disaperance of the fishy people this would rock. cu the ending so that it ends with the knock on the noggin or the spitting. leave the rest to the imagination lol.tho one ya shoud of cut short ya left long lol thats just too funny to me !
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