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Review of The Hunter  Open in new Window.
Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Quite a creative story here...I liked this little scheme, although it was darker than I was expecting it to be. You did a good job charactering this annoying Cletus, and I can't say I totally blame the narrator. Great job not spelling anything totally out, but the reader definitely knows what happened. *Bigsmile* I do have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- On a thematic note, I definitely think this could be expanded. I would like to know more about the narrator, and about the after-effects of this "accident," even if it's that everyone is giddy about Cletus being dead.


- He never went hunting(,) and told those good ol' boy stories
- “Then, let’s go. (comma not needed)
- It was fall and the deer had come down into the foothills to graze. ("Fall")
- Some of it ran down his neck(,) washing a path through the dirt and grime.
- I watched his Adam’s apple jump as he swallowed(,) and thought about strangling him again. (this is a bit confusing without the comma, b/c at first it reads that Adam is doing the thinking..."he swallowed and thought")
- and watched him walk off between the trees(,) still doing that tiptoe dance.


Overall, an excellent short write. Keep up the great work!


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Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
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I think you have powerful words here with a good, although abstract, message. I also liked the mix of free-verse and rhymed verse. *Smile* I would strongly advise, however, that you put this into a more regular format. Right now it is rather hard and confusing to read. Perhaps put the middle part into stanzas like the beginning, and same with the last section about the "pills." I would also break up the line "I try to speak..." into 3 lines at the commas. Also, depending on how you decide to format this, go back over the punctuation. If you put it into a traditional poetry format, you could actually remove the end commas and periods.

On a thematic note, I would expand this idea of "waterfalls." Is this metaphoric of the haze people live under, perhaps because of the pills mentioned at the end? I would expand this to make the imagery and metaphor clearer.


Overall, I think you have a good start here, but that this could be improved with some work. I hope this review is of some help. Keep writing!


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Review of Sunset  Open in new Window.
Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Excellent description here. I especially liked the second paragraph - beautiful! *Bigsmile* I really liked this idea about the trees waiting to see the sunset one time before sleeping for the winter. I thought this was very well-written, but I do have some suggestions, take them or leave them:

- On a thematic note, I feel you have room to expand this into a larger piece. In particular, I would have liked to read more dialog from the trees.


Some editorial notes:
- allowing a good deal of light (to) flow from its final hours. (would also change "from" to "in")
- The trees were thankful, they had not been allowed the privilege of a sunset, (change comma after "thankful" to a semicolon)
- They were determined to see the sunset whether it (would) kill them or not.
- t gave them something that they themselves found more beautiful than life itself. (would remove "themselves"...it's unnecessary and a bit awkward having two -self words in the same sentence)
- The night swept through the land(,) and the trees were still in awe from the scene.
- The next morning arrayed the sky with storm clouds(,) but the trees willingly shed their leaves, ready to sleep and ready to wake. (seems you might be missing some words at the end...do you mean ready to wake next spring, or...?)


Overall, a good piece that could perhaps be even better with some minor tweaking. Keep up the great work!


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Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Good opening! I also like the informal, addressing-the-reader style of narration. It works well for this piece. The discussion about what makes someone normal was very interesting, and something I have often pondered myself. The description was very good, and I like the metaphor of the dog and owner...very unique and original. *Bigsmile*

On a more personal note - I hope, dear, that if this is partly auto-biographical, that you do get over this boy who treated you terribly. A guy like that is not worth having, period. I know...I've been there, and I'm sure most women have been there at some point.

Anyway, I do have some suggestions, take them or leave them:

- Than the next week, on a Thursday, something so small I did triggered it again. (this makes me wonder what you "did" to trigger it. Even if this is a true occurrence, you can fictionalize this part if you don't remember.)

- On a thematic note, I would have liked to know more about this new guy. You give some general description of how he treats you and is different than Matt, but perhaps you could include some specific events that really illustrate the difference between the two.


Some editorial notes:
- so much that, yes; they do seem strange, (change semicolon to comma)
- Then here I am, an average-height girl with brunette hair. ("brunette" is not used as an adjective, but as a pronoun...you call a person a "brunette"...replace with "brown," or for more effect, "mousy brown")
- People have also told me (that) lately I seem to have gloomy eyes.
- I looked up of him, the full force of his eyes in mine. (change "of" to "at")
- that my whole future was lain out before me. ("laid")
- How could something so pure turn so badly? (both connecting words should be of the same word class, in this case adjectives, so change "badly" to "bad"...or, even better, a more descriptive and strong word, like "sour")
- I didn't matter to him. and I forgave him. (capitalize "And")
- He never really cared about me in a sense of my emotions. (This sentence is a bit awkward and confusing...what about simply "He never really cared about me and my emotions.")
- I could go on, but I now realize it were these faults that were apart of who he was, ("was" to agree with "it" and "apart" should be "a part")
- I called Matt and, without discussion, bluntly said, "how could you?" (capitalize "How")
- who treats me "how I deserve to be treated". (period should be inside the quote mark)


Overall, a good story, whether true of fictional. Keep up the great work!


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Review of Jesus  Open in new Window.
Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This is a wonderful tribute to the Savior. I liked the repetition, both of exact words and the same type of structure repeated. I think my favorite part is the last stanza, as it shows the narrator spreading the word, advising another to just let Jesus ease their mind. *Smile* I do have a couple of suggestions, take them or leave them:

- You tried to give me consolation (this line seemed a bit of a mouthful...what about simply "You gave me consolation"....also, it seems He DID give you consolation, so the "try" part isn't necessary)

- I felt the three repetitions of the same verse near the end was a bit much....perhaps just repeat it twice.


Overall, an excellent lyrical poem. Keep up the great work!


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Review of Any Number  Open in new Window.
Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This piece is short, but sweet. I thought this was well-written and managed to deliver an entertaining punch line in a very short amount of words. I also liked the detail about the reason they were calling, wanting to ride the horses. *Smile* I do have just a few suggestions:

- a 12 year old girl (numbers usually written out, and dashes between for an age used as an adjective..."twelve-year-old girl")

- They were having trouble(,) so I said I was headed home.

- She had never seen that message(,) and we both just shrugged it off.


Overall, a good piece that could use just the slightest bit of editing. Keep writing!


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Review of CRITIQUE  Open in new Window.
Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Interesting piece here, how you take a review and through proving that the reviewer is in error, you tell the reader a bit about one of your life experiences. The style of this is great, very down-to-earth, as if you were telling this story, well....at a bar to friends. I especially liked the part about "a girl like that always has a boyfriend." It must be quite a strange and creepy experience to wake up and have a rat licking your wounds. *Sick* Overall, I thought this was well-written. I do have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- It was what I call back in the days. (would put quotation marks around "back in the days")
- I pulled into this bar's parking lot, it was full of motorcycles. (change comma to semicolon)
- looked into it’s eyes ("its")
- Seeing that fear(,) I figured F_ _ K IT, and I let him go.
- So to that critiquer, I say YES(,) you can see fear in a rat's beady little black eyes.


A good telling of a true-life experience in response to a reviewer's question. Keep up the good work!


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Review of I Am Not Here  Open in new Window.
Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like this, but feel like a line is missing, causing your message to be slightly off from what I think you intended. In a way, they are your words, hands, wisdom, in that you are the one speaking and using them, physically. But I believe you're trying to say that God is working through you, and in that sense, they're not yours. I feel like another line could be added at the end to clarify this, something like..."I am but a vessel used by God to carry out his deeds." Just a thought. *Wink* Overall, this is a well-written, although very short, poem. The intended message is powerful. Keep up the great work! *Bigsmile*


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Review of This Thing  Open in new Window.
Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This poem strikes a chord with me personally, b/c in high school I had one of my very good friends of almost 3 yrs tell me he loved me, and to make matters worse, I was dating his best friend at the time. But I ended up dating him for a while, and now wish I hadn't...I'm happily engaged now, and don't by any means wish I was back w/ him, but that I hadn't dated him in the first place. We're still friends, but not near as close as we were. Anyway, sorry for the rambling. *Blush* Now to talk more about your actual poem...I thought this conveyed very well this situation. The flow was smooth, and the rhyming never seemed forced. I especially liked the part about "safe" words. I do have a couple of very small suggestions, take them or leave them:

- that see right through our game. (perhaps change "that" to "who")

- We know just what it is(,) and yet


Overall, an excellent poem. Keep up the great work! *Bigsmile*


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Review of The Big Race  Open in new Window.
Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This was a highly entertaining story. *Laugh* I love the irony of the prize. I think you did a great job building up the suspense, and I was interested the whole way through. I also thought the variety of metaphors you used were great. I do have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- I would have liked to see one of the racers get some revenge on the referee. *Wink*

- 100 Yard Dash (races are usually in meters - 100 meter dash)


Some editorial notes:
- The referee stood there in the sun near the finish line. (something about this sentence seems a little off...what about removing "there" and saying "sunshine" instead of "sun")
- The little pistol fired(,) and the race began.
- He passed the dude in the red shorts(,) who was wheezing
- sweat(-)soaked shirt.
- powdered sugar(-)coated doughnut winnings.


Overall, a very enjoyable and well-written piece of flash fiction.


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Review of Life on the Rails  Open in new Window.
Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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I have a hard time placing where this chapter might come in a story that I assume will have many different locations and experiences for this rail-riding girl. Thus, it's hard for me to comment on content. I assume that you'll probably give more background on this way of living by picking apples and the background of the relationship between these two. That being said, I think you have a very good excerpt here and a good concept for a story. I liked the description of the setting, the sights and sounds of the dance, especially. I do have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- Remember at some point to work in a little more physical description. I'm curious what this girl looks like and how she makes herself into a boy.


Some editorial notes:
- Crisp; the cool morning air pressed its fingers against my skin(,) and the hair on my arms stood at attention.
- The quiet of an apple orchard allows one to know someone (a bit awkward...what about "allows two people to know each other")
- The security of having someone familiar near, the comfort of a familiar voice shushed by the reverence of the air around(,) soothed and calmed me.
- watching them picking apples, (I think you mean "him")
- It was the only one I had brought with me, and I don't know why I did(,) as I spent most of my time disguised as a boy.
- the tree where I'd changed as I very much wanted to avoid comments from the other workers about my dress. (this is a bit awkward, what about "the tree where I'd changed, wanting to avoid comments...")
- My feet were bare(,) having no shoes to match my dress;
- the remaining night crickets reminded me of summer(,) and I smiled. ("Summer")
- couples bouncing to the beat; of singles on the sidelines (change semicolon to comma)
- before the music swept us up in an enthusiastic dance(,) and the thrill of his compliment made me smile
- We danced so long I was dizzy(,) but too happy to stop.
- But I really had; every day. (change semicolon to comma)
- "I like your dress," he said softly, dropping the fabric, and looking at me. (comma after "fabric" unnecessary)
- The air between us was charged(,) and the corner of his mouth
- careful with my dress too, knowing it was my favorite, and making sure not to rip one seam; not to tear off one button. (change semicolon to comma)
- but I didn't care(,) as I could still feel the ghosts of his fingers
- We walked in silence still; the apples trees getting closer. (change semicolon to comma)
- I did the same(,) and as I slipped under my scratchy blanket,


Overall, a very good excerpt. Keep up the good work! *Bigsmile*


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Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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I love your style of writing here. Although it's a bit wordy at times, it fits with the "biblical" theme, and your long sentences are clear enough that the reader doesn't get lost in them. Your description is excellent, and I love the twist on the story of Adam and Eve. *Bigsmile* And for a story of this length, there were very few grammar/punctuation errors, and the ones present were very minor. I do have some suggestions, take them or leave them:

- On a thematic note, I would like to know more about the narrator. For instance, you mention only at the end that he's an "artist"...in fact, at the beginning you say he has a degree in music and is going to teach. I think if you mean musical artist, you should just say "musician." I didn't understand the significance of her wanting the artist, so perhaps you could develop the narrator further so there is a better connection for the reader there.


Some editorial notes:
- it seems you have only one space between sentences instead of two

- On a dark and stormy night (cliche...see if you can replace this with a more original phrase)
- what seemed to be a smooth, concave surface; (it was) cool to the touch, perhaps made of finely polished stone
- Again, the voice within my head called to me, (comma after "again" not needed)
- what I feared might be my eternal prison(,) and then pushed outward
- I pushed upward with all of my might(,) and to my great relief the lid rose and slid sideways,
- Reinvigorated by the advent of liberation, I pushed again(,) and the lid moved
- as I realized it was Aset and Ferdinando; the people I had partied with at that small tavern. (change semicolon to comma)
- appearing to be close to her eighteenth year(,) with long, curly, shining black hair
- You have an uncanny zest for life that is most refreshing(,) and as I look upon you,
- Nodding in agreement, she turned away from the fruit, took several steps towards the trunk around which the serpent remained coiled(,) and looked directly
- she pressed a hand to her firm, bare breast(,) accentuating her plight
- The snake paused briefly, its forked tongue flicking out with increased frequency from between its formidable fangs, (change comma after "fangs" to a period)
- as the beast increased it’s squirming. ("its")
- Stretching and flexing her newly acquired appendages(,) she nodded at them
- have selected special ones,” her slightly parted lips exposed her fangs (change comma to period)
- Wishing that I had accepted my parents(') invitation


Overall, a fantastic story that I would call perfect with a bit more development of the main character, and a tiny bit of editing. Keep up the fabulous work!


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Review of Cloud Imaging  Open in new Window.
Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is an excellent poem with some great imagery and phrasing. I especially liked the line "singular as snowflakes." The rhyming was also good, never seeming forced or awkward. This poem seemed to roll off my tongue as I read it. This seems like a very hard form to follow and have it come out well, but I think you did well with it. I'm afraid I don't have any suggestions, except to keep writing! *Bigsmile*


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Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I liked how informative this was. This was a very unique poem, and I applaud you for attempting to write factual poetry. I especially liked the irony in the end line - nice touch! *Smile* The rhyming is good, but I feel it got overwhelmed by the choppy meter. I'm afraid I don't have any specific suggestions for the meter, except that you might want to try shortening the lines a bit by removing unnecessary words. I also thought the choppy meter might be due in some spots to so many full stops, especially when they occur in the middle of a line.


Overall, a good informative poem that could perhaps use some attention in regards to meter. Keep up the good work!


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Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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There is a lot of emotion that comes through in this poem and the word choice is excellent. *Bigsmile* I also thought the rhyming worked well, never seeming forced. I liked the imagery of the broken woman and the regretful man. I do have just a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- (as) husband stares at betrayed wife. (for a better flow)

- wishing lustful night could be erased(.)

- He will search for the path forever in a day, (I believe the phrase is "forever and a day")

- to rekindle the spirit he made vanish away. (a little awkward...what about "to rekindle the spirit he chased away"...this would also even up the syllable count a bit more to the line it rhymes with)


Overall, a very good poem about adultery and the disastrous effects. I've enjoyed reading some of your poems. Keep writing!


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Review of Fear of Decision  Open in new Window.
Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is the 4th of 5 reviews won in "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.


Wow, this poem is totally applicable to my life right now, as I got engaged a little over a week ago. I wonder if this is from your real-life experience as well? The rhyme and the contrast worked very well. I thought the way you mapped this out visually was great, too. I do have a couple of very minor suggestions:

- Indecision rocks my soul(.)

- the formatting is a bit off, as "grow" got moved over to the left side, so see what you can do to fix this.


An excellent poem about a subject not too many probably think about. I would say that there is a way to be both, though. You always have your family, even if you're no longer living under the same roof with them. *Smile* Great work!


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Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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Nice use of the quote at the beginning - it really sets the tone for the story before you even begin. I also really liked how you ended this chapter, with him reflecting on the boy's sleeping form. There is a great sense of mystery set up, as you don't tell the reader everything right away. Nice job on not giving too much away at once. *Smile* The dialog was very well-written and realistic. I do have several suggestions, take them or leave them:

- On a thematic note, I would have liked more physical description of the characters, especially the boy.


Some editorial notes:
- Watch comma splices, using a comma when a period or semicolon is needed
- Some of your sentences were far too long, and the reader can lose the meaning reading them...try to break them up a little.

- Late in a fading twilight(,) two friends met down near where the forest touched the river with a smouldering sun beyond the treetops(,) affording them the last dying embers of day,

- glowing in the near darkness(,) its reflection shimmering off the water,

- To anyone watching they would have appeared alone(,) but in truth were host to a vast audience concealed from view in the surrounding trees and shadows, a thousand eyes observing unseen from the forest(.) (W)waiting impatient(ly) for what was to transpire, they stood in silence for several seconds(,) looking away from each other(,) neither wishing to be the first to speak.

- Her companion listened and watched as the final rays of daylight glanced over her face(,) illuminating her dazzling blue eyes for a moment,

- Receiving no response(,) she continued.

- “I supposed you would expect me to look after him for you?” interrupted the man(,) bitterly cursing his words even as he spoke them, his companion remained calm. (change comma after "them" to a period)

- Penny glared at him(,) stifled tears sparkling in he(r) eyes(.) (A)again he felt ashamed by the venom in his voice.

- “I trust you to look after my son Finn,” She spoke softly. ("she")

- At these words Penny suddenly broke down(,) letting the tears fall freely(,) and began shaking so hard Finn stepped forward to hold her as she sobbed into his shoulder, those watching from the darkness gave no indication save a warm breeze blowing gently across the water. (change comma after "shoulder" to period)

- “Neither of us are safe as long as he knows we’re here, he’ll follow to the ends of this earth(.)” (S)she stood up straight(,) wiping the tears away(,) a renewed determination in her voice. (change comma after "here" to a period)

- and the river at their feet became as smooth as silk, a thousand invisible eyes turned away and they were alone, if only for a brief moment. (change comma after "silk" to period)

- “We’d better not waste any more time,” she said at last(,) still hugging Finn hard around the shoulders, he clutched her back tightly. (change comma after "shoulders" to a period)

- “Goodbye,” She leant up and kissed him softly on the cheek(,) then stepped down into the dark water(,) forcing them apart with a shiver. (change comma after "goodbye" to a period)

- she swam out to the middle of the river untouched by the current, he fought the urge to dive in and haul her out(,) yearning for that one crucial sentence to come to mind that would bring her out and back to him. (change comma after "current" to a period)

“
- Take care of my son(,) Finn.” (move quote mark to where it's supposed to be)

- With his eyes clouded(,) he headed back towards the house, night having now completely fallen, he stumbled in the dark(,) feeling the eyes in the forest watching him, following him to his door. (change comma after "house" to a period)

- “You have all done you’re part,” He called out to the night. ("he")

- He fell through into the kitchen(,) letting all his sorrow out in one long sigh(,) his mind still feebly searching for a solution he knew was out of reach and by now far too late, he leant over the bench top with his head in his hands(,) imagining her floating in the water, being snared from below, (change comma after "late" to period)

- a few lights were on in town still glowing on the opposite shore, she had been right about one thing, (change comma after "shore" to period)

- He headed to the sitting room, the lamps were already lit(,) and as he entered he caught sight of a young boy sleeping undisturbed on the couch with his mother(')s jacket laid over him like a blanket, he slept peacefully(,) unaffected by all that had just happened outside. (change comma after "room" to a period and comma after "blanket" to a semicolon)

- ‘And as it will remain for you,’ Finn thought(,) drawing himself out of his grief, and occupying his mind with a new steadfast resolve.

- He hurried upstairs(,) moving through different rooms retrieving the various bits and pieces required for the task at hand(,) and returned swiftly(,) never interrupting the boy’s sleep.

- stacking it to the sides of the room out of the way(,) then measuring the empty floor with long strides. ("measured")

- heaving it aside with the rest of the furniture(,) positioning the two lamps still lit on the floor before the couch.

He seated himself near the boy on a small footstool(,) preparing himself mentally for the coming exertion,

- He took his time(,) sparing one moment to just watch as the boy slept, sandy haired and peaceful, the last thread left in this realm to his darling Penny, he hung his head(,) saddened in knowing the boy was enjoying his last unconscious seconds of belief (change comma after "Penny" to period)


Overall, a good start to a book that could use some editing and perhaps a bit more physical description. Keep up the good work!


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Review of Entree of Soul  Open in new Window.
Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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The rhyming and flow of this were great. I really liked the short lines as well, as they lent to the spooky mood perfectly. My favorite lines were "Tickling your sanity / with each bump and sound." I love the idea of sanity being tickled - I'd never thought of it this way before. Awesome! *Bigsmile* I do have several suggestions, take them or leave them:

- On a thematic note, I would like to know how this "soul feeding" works, so perhaps another stanza could be added describing what exactly these ghouls are doing.

Some editorial notes:
- Evening is upon us, (change comma to semicolon)
- Hide under your covers, (change comma to semicolon)
- eerie noises abound. (change period to comma, as the last two lines of this stanza form a fragment)
- with each bump and sound. (a "bump" is a "sound," so I would perhaps pick a more specific word, like "creek" to replace "sound")
- Shhhh, plug your ears, (comma ater "ears" not needed)
- Struggle hard against us(,)
- Resistance we crave. (the inversion is not necessary, sine this isn't one of the rhyming lines, so I would just say "We crave resistance.")


Overall, a good poem that could perhaps use just a bit of cleaning up. Keep writing!


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Review of Night Terrors  Open in new Window.
Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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I really like some of the imagery and metaphor you use here. I especially liked "a drum roll of terror." The alliteration you use at points also worked well to move the poem along. This overall had a nice flow and rhythm to it as well. I do have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- On a thematic note, I definitely think this could be expanded. You mention briefly the contents of the actual nightmare in the 2nd stanza, but I would have liked to know more, perhaps another stanza with details and description of the nightmare. And if this is based on a real nightmare and you can't remember it all, all the more reason to go wild with it and really use your imagination. *Wink*


- Visions invade sleep with torturous images. (This seemed awkward to me, perhaps a bit redundant...what about "Thoughts invade (my) sleep with torturous images")

- Body tangled in sheets thrashes(,) begging for escape.

- Subconscious thoughts overtake with nonsensical events. (This might read better as something like..."Subconscious thoughts are overtaken by nonsensical events")

- Sweat pours down (a) frightened face wet with salty tears. (without the "a" the "wet with salty tears" reads awkward)


Overall, another great poem. Keep writing! *Bigsmile*


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Review of Musical Monster  Open in new Window.
Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there! This is the 1st of 5 poetry reviews you won from me in "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

LOL, this is funny. *Laugh* I like how you managed to include so many cliche songs, everything from "The Chicken Dance" to "Baby Got Back." I do have just a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- For some reason, "Thriller" doesn't seem to be in the same category as the rest of these songs. What about something like "YMCA" or "The Hokey Pokey"? Just a thought. *Wink*

- songs that should long be forgotten. (would read better as "should be long-forgotten")

- “The Macerena” ("Macarena")

- tone(-)deaf rendition


Overall, a very entertaining poem...I certainly wouldn't call it "a sad attempt." Keep up the great work! *Bigsmile*


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Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
LOL, this was very entertaining. I liked how the ending echoed the beginning, with the slight difference of having the dog to hold. And the dialog surrounding the naming of the bear was great! *Bigsmile* The picture was a nice addition, too. I do have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- I would avoid overuse of exclamation marks. A few can add to excitement, but too many can take away from the message.

- At some points, mostly near the beginning, you only have on space instead of two after your periods.


Some editorial notes:
- Sometime after a while of soaking her Carebear with empty(-)nest tears, I fell asleep. (would remove "sometime," as it's a bit awkward)
- I’d cleaned her room (finally), rearranged the furniture, and everyday I’d see some little thing of hers and feel very blue. ("every day")
- I was not looking for a pet, certainly not a dog(,) as me and housebreaking a dog was a proven failure.
- But that little ball of Bichon Frise fluff was too cute to resist(,) and my income tax return was burning a hole in my checkbook.
- Besides, Mom had always wanted a Bichon(,) and it was the one year anniversary of her death.
- Suddenly(,) I had tons to do.
- Housebreaking my oh-so-intelligent pup was (a) breeze!
- Tell me don’t you refer to yourself as Momma, Mom. (would switch the position of "don't" and "you")]


Overall, a entertaining read about one of your true-life experiences. With just a tiny bit of cleaning up, this could be even better! Keep up the great work!


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Review of The Monster  Open in new Window.
Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This was such a cute story. I can just imagine a little kid being afraid of a chocolate bunny. I liked how you always referred to the parents as "Mommy" and "Daddy"...it took us through Mirabelle's perspective, even though this is in third person. The dialog was well-done and believable. I do have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- On a thematic note, I would like to know a little bit about what Mirabelle looks like, some physical description.

- I also thought you could have gone a little wackier with her fear. Perhaps she can talk about how the "monster" stares at her, not even blinking...something like that. *Wink*


Some editorial notes:
- Watch your dialog punctuation...when it's a spoken action, a comma should be used, not a period.

- He dressed it up in pretty spring colors to hide it's true identity. ("its")
- There it was; hiding in the back corner! (change semicolon to comma)
- Mirabelle curled into a tight ball and closed her eyes. She put her small fist into her mouth to trap the sobs that longed to escape. (would combine these by saying..."and closed her eyes, putting her small fist...")
- The tablecloth lifted(,) and a hand reached under to touch Mirabelle’s shoulder.
- “Come on out(,) silly girl, the Easter Bunny left you a present.” Daddy said. (change comma after "girl" to semicolon or period, and change period after "present" to a comma)
- “Look, he left you a pink basket this year(,) Mirabelle.” Mommy said. (change period after "Mirabelle" to comma)
- Daddy frowned, “Why don’t you want your Easter basket(,) Mira?” (changed comma after "frowned" to period)
- “The monster is hiding in there.” she whispered. (change period after "there" to comma)
- “It’s got big eyes and it’s empty inside.” she said. (change period after "inside" to comma)
- Daddy and I will just eat all the chocolate and jellybeans the Easter Bunny left for you.” she said. (change period after "you" to comma)
- “Yes. I like the red jellybeans the best. I think I’ll eat those first.” he told Mommy. (change period after "first" to comma)
- “Save the pink ones for me, they’re my favorite.” Mommy said. (change comma after "me" to semicolon and change period after "favorite" to comma)
- They were her jellybeans(,) but the monster was guarding them.
- Determined not to miss out on the jellybean feast(,) Mirabelle threw off the covers and ran into the dining room.
- “I thought you didn’t want them.” said Daddy with a sparkle in his eye. (change period after "them" to a comma)
- “I have no idea.” Mommy responded. (change period after "idea" to comma)
- “Sure.” he said. (change period after "sure" to comma)


Overall, a very cute story that was a pleasure to read. Keep up the great work! *Smile*


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Review of Chapter 1-3  Open in new Window.
Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
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SORRY FOR THE DOUBLE REVIEW, BUT IT ACCIDENTALLY SENT BEFORE I WAS DONE! *Blush*


I like the unique concept behind this, and I can see Marty and David starting to become friends. I thought you did well setting up the suspicion David has of Marty, and I liked the details you included about all of his different clothes, and how the lizard shoots blood from his eyes. Is this something lizards can really do, btw? Just curious. I thought this was a good first chapter. *Bigsmile* I do have several suggestions, take them or leave them:

- On a thematic note, I think you could spend a little more time developing David's character. It's okay that we don't know much about Marty, since David doesn't either and you want him to be a little mysterious, but the reader should have a good sense of Marty's personality. Right now, I can't quite tell what he's like. Try to add in little habits or actions that give us clues to his character. For instance, if he's a nervous person, you could have him tapping his fingers or pacing the room as he waits for Marty. Just play around with him a bit, make him stand out in the reader's mind. Wink


Some editorial notes:
- The story was riddled with technical errors, and although I tried to list all of them I found, you should go back through yourself, as well as go through your other chapters and catch similar errors (for my sake, at least, LOL). Some common mistakes you made that you should watch out for are:

* dialog punctuation (when the tag is a vocal action, then a comma is used, not a period)
* when two phrases are connected by an "and" and the subject changes, a comma is needed)

- metropolis (of) Geltempo City.

- David('s) back was black(,) and (he had a) grey(-)striped coat. ("gray")

- Geltempo City was divided into two sections. (begin a new paragraph here, since you are no longer talking about David)

- Metal sidewalks with guardrails stretched out from building to building(,) forming complex lattice(s) throughout Upper-Level for those who were to(o) tired to, or couldn't(,) fly.

Under Upper-Level was Ground-Level Geltempo(,) were all the land(-)bound creatures, such as David, dwelled. ("were" should be "where")

(But) Today was not David's day. (adding this "but" would create a smoother transition)

- His girlfriend(,) no longer able to put up with his unemployment(,) had recently broken up with him.

- His left ear stood taller than his right(,) which looked like half of it had been hacked off.

- A strong(-)smelling cigar hung limply from his mouth(,) sending a lazy trail of smoke into the air.

- "I heard you were looking for a roommate." He said. (change period to comma and don't capitalize "he")

- If he could some how get behind himself, ("somehow")

- Realizing that he couldn't afford to be just scraping by on the (rent) every month,

- "Okay then, um.. Come in." He said (same as above...period should be comma and "he" doesn't need capitalized)

- "Marty Mask(.)"

- "David Wilkins(,)" David answered(,) accepting it.

- He winced a little when he felt Marty's viselike grip.("vice-like")

- "So what? This is what it'll be looking like if I start living here." Marty said(,) kicking aside a pizza box. (change period after "here" to comma)

- Then(,) sensing David's agitation(,) he smiled and said. "Don't worry, when you see how messy I am you'll be ready to kick me out. (change period after "said" to comma)

- The next week he began to move (h)is stuff in.

He had a box full of miscellaneous objects and a large oak desk. Looking at the clothes he usually wore, a faded t(-)shirt(,) and some slightly ragged(-)looking jeans, he didn't strike David as exactly a fashion fanatic, (change comma after "jeans" to semicolon)

- He had everything from very expensive tailor-made suits to dirty(-)looking holey clothes that looked like something only a street bum would be caught wearing.

- Marty's only responded by saying that he needed a wide variety of clothes to choose from in his line of work. (remove possesive - "Marty only responded...")

- David didn't know exactly what Marty's occupation was(,) but after a week or two he began to grow very curious.

- Very often beasts of various species knocked on his door(,) asking to talk with Marty Mask.

- He tried asking Marty about it(,) but he was again elusive in his answer by only saying that they were his clients.

- That was about around the time David woke up. About around ten o'clock after this morning ritual he began working. (use either "about" or "around," not both)

- After an hour or two(,) if it wasn't too late and he didn't get any more clients,

- Now(,) the crime rate all throughout Geltempo City was very high(,) especially around the area David lived in.

- the seemingly endless barrage of complaints that pored in every day. ("poured")

- There were plenty of gangs ravaging the streets at night(,) and there were even a few organized crime groups headed by much older and sinister beasts then the juvenile delinquents that only dealt in petty crimes. ("then" should be "than")

- David knew there was no place in Geltempo that was completely safe from crime(,) but David definitely wasn't going to share his apartment with a criminal.

- demand to know exactly just what his job was(,) but he had already left on his morning walk.

- "I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO KEEP YOUR SNOUT OUT OF MY BUSINESS(,) YOU ROTTEN RACCOON!!!"

- "Look buddy, Marty said he doesn't talk to any clients before 10 o'clock(,) and I'll tell you another thing, I don't appreciate you banging on my door like that and spraying your slobber all over me(,) especially this early in the morn-"

- "Now you listen to me(,) fleabag, when that raccoon gets here,

- "Now you listen to me(,) reptile, I don't know who you are or what your problem with Marty is(,) but if you come here banging on my door

- "Ernie, what a pleasant surprise. You came you see me(,) I understand?"

- "You!" He shouted after he recovered from his surprise. ("you")

- "Well if that's what you're so worked up about(,) then I have some good news and no(t) so good news for you, (change comma to period)

- So you can rest easy, (change comma to period)

- When Marty said that last part(,) Ernie stepped back in surprise.

- "Well(,) I suppose that means you found out." Ernie snarled. (change period after "out" to comma)

- He pointed in Marty's face(,) who had just whirled around.

- "Alright(,) both of you get your paws up and get in the apartment now!"

- "I was just going to beat you up(,) but I see I'm going to have to do more than that now! Hey cat!" He said(,) pointing the gun at David. "Get those paws up." ("he")

- "Look I-I don't know w-what this is a-all about." David stammered quickly. (change period after "about" to comma)

- "Get your flea-ridden paws off me(,) you mammal scum!"

- The gun went with off a loud bang(,) but Marty was able to push Ernie's arm so that the bullet flew harmlessly to the right(,) breaking a lamp.

- With almost blurring speed(,) Marty picked the gun up(,) and before he knew it(,) Ernie was staring down the barrel of his own gun.

- "Make one move(,) and I put a bullet right through your head." Marty said. (change period after "head" to comma)

- Suddenly the door busted(,) and a doberman cop in plan clothes ("plain")

- "Alright(,) everyone freeze! GPD!!." The doberman shouted. ("the")

- , "Well Anya, You took your time getting here, as usual." Marty said to the doberman. (remove extra comma at beginning and change period after "usual" to comma)

- "Maybe I was hoping scale-face over here might plug you." Anya said(,) motioning for a golden retriever to put Ernie in cuffs. (change period after "you" to comma)

- The lizard knew that the game was up(,) so he initiated his body's most primitive defense mechanism, he hit the dog squarely in the face (change comma after "mechanism" to semicolon)

- but he never made it past Anya(,) who bought the butt of her gun down hard on Ernie's head.

- With a grunt Ernie fell over and crashed into David's glass coffee table(,) shattering it into a million tiny pieces.

- "Let's see if you can cuff him right this time." She growled at the retriever. (change period after "time" to comma, and it should be "she")

- "See," Marty said. "Told you I was messier than you are." (change period after "said" to comma, "told," and I would remove "are")


Overall, a good start to a story, but it could use a bit more work on character development, and some thorough editing. I look forward to reading more. Keep up the good work!


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Review of Except  Open in new Window.
Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I like the contrast you have here, and how you question the assumption that the light is better than the dark. And I like the alienation you have imparted by the phrase "except for me." Adding in the dialog in the last line was a nice touch, too. I do have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- This poem fell a bit flat, for me. I think the two main reasons for this are:

* The poem is very general, with not much description, and thus I was unsure what it's even about. What is the "white little room" you speak of? Try to add in more description, so the reader can connect with it better.
* The poem seems to be a bit too literal in nature. Try to add in some metaphor, vivid wording, etc. For example, instead of just saying "It's all dark," you could say something like "The sun has abandoned me, leaving only shadows." See how that's a bit more vivid in the reader, leaves a deep impression?

Some editorial notes:
- stay consistent with punctuation...since you don't use end-line commas and periods, I would simply capitalize the beginning of each line.

- Its all dark ("it's")
- It hurts my eyes, its so bright ("it's")
- Its better than the darkness ("it's")


Overall, this seems like a good start to a poem, with a good concept, but I think it could use some work. I hope this review can be of some help. Keep writing! *Smile*


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Review of Just Hold Me Now  Open in new Window.
Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A sweet love poem. I love happy endings! *Smile* I take it to be about two lovers looking forward to being reunited soon, and I like the idea of one "night full of love." I could feel the emotions coming out in the piece. I do have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- I was confused by your inconsistent rhyming. Stanzas 1,2, and 6 rhyme, but 3-5 don't, and this interrupted my reading. I see that all of the end-words of the 2nd and 4th line of each stanza end in -ing, but this doesn't constitute a rhyme, so I would suggest either removing the rhyming, or adding it in to the stanzas that don't have it. This would make the poem feel more unified and satisfy the reader's expectations, since once there is a rhyme scheme, the reader expects it to be maintained


Some editorial notes:
I think being consistent w/ punctuation will help the flow of this piece. Punctuation in poetry, for me, is all or nothing:

- You went and got me a diamond ring(.)
- Your response was starkly daring(.)
- With not a little bit of tarrying(.)
- I had but little time, (remove comma)
- To be so passionately appealing(.)
- My heart, so loudly beating(.)
- But my gift to you, is nearing (remove comma)
- Do not throw it away this morning(.)
- My love, quit despairing(.)


Overall, a good poem, but I feel it could use some work with the rhyming and punctuation. Keep writing!


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