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Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
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I thought this was a unique take on the prompt, and a very cute story about the first day of school! The interaction of Nathan and Amber was believable and absolutely adorable. *Heart* This put a smile on my face, something I needed today, so thanks for that. *Smile* I do have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- The biggest thing this is missing is physical description. The only thing we know about any of the characters is that Amber has curly hair, and her teacher has black hair in a pixie cut. I found it hard to picture the characters and the classroom, b/c very few details were given. If you can add in some physical description, it would really draw the reader into the story, b/c they will be able to picture it in their head better.

- I wondered why the school was so empty....was the mother so nervous she wanted to get there extra-early? Perhaps some small detail about this would clear it up....schools are usually busy places, especially the first day. It would probably be more realistic if they walked into a classroom full of students, and would also increase the reader's sense of nervousness they feel along with the mother.

- The mom's emotions are mentioned at the very beginning, and then again at the very end. I would have liked to see more of this, as it seems to be set up as a big theme in the story, and yet little is said about it. Try to add in more of the mother's feelings throughout.


Some editorial notes:
- okay to be scared(,) but I’m sure
- myself to breathe, as a cold blast of air conditioning (remove comma)
- She nodded(,) and even the bobbing
- strained(,) but she tried
- the little boy who simply
- at Amber(,) then at me

Overall, I think you have a good story here that could use a bit more physical description and more about the mother's feelings. I hope this review has been of some help. Good luck in the contest, and keep up the good work!


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Review of Dinner Out  Open in new Window.
Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Haha, this made me chuckle. You use some great descriptive phrases to describe the awful food, like "marinated in what he could only guess was some putrid combination of cigar ash and decomposed citrus fruit." Great job on description! And the fact that the bill came and the meal was very expensive was a nice touch. Also, I found no punctuation/grammar errors (really rare for me). *Bigsmile* I do have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- I liked the ending, how Carrie liked the food, but it seemed inconsistent with her "furrowing her brow as she ate," as this is usually a sign of concealing disgust. If you mean her to be in earnest when she says she likes the food, perhaps reword that a bit. If you mean her to be lying to save face, perhaps add in some small detail that shows she's lying - she looks immediately out the window, crosses her fingers behind her back, etc. (ok, the last one's cliche, but you get my point).

- I have to beat a dead horse, again. *Pthb* See if you can't add in some physical description of Carrie and Doug here and there throughout the story.


One editorial note:
- "I know, right?" She replied enthusiastically. ("she" shouldn't be capitalized)


Overall, a good little piece about two very different experiences at the same restaurant. With a few more details to clarify the differing points of view, this will be great! Keep up the good work!


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Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This was a cute story, and you portrayed the inner feelings of the MC well, that tingling, "butterflies in stomach" feeling. *Smile* The first line was excellent, drawing the reader into your story right away. The tension you build up, waiting for something more to happen was also very good. I do have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- I say this to a lot of authors about their stories, but I would have liked to know what these two characters look like. Especially the male character - surely if she's fantasizing about him, she's picturing his "dreamy looks" in her head. Being able to have a clear image of the characters will draw the reader further into the story.

- I was a bit confused by the end of the story. Did they end up getting married? Or is she reminiscing on a past love? I would put something in to suggest one way or the other, as it left me scratching my head a bit, and took away from the story for me.


Some editorial notes:
- I couldn't meet his eyes, I couldn't look away, I hung on his every word, I didn't hear a word he said. (I would split this into two sentences, changing the comma after "away" to a period. I would also add a "yet" to the second half, since you have a contradiction..."I hung on his every word, yet I didn't hear a word he said.")
- decidedly old-fashioned, nevertheless those words (change comma to semicolon)


Overall, a very cute story that could use just a tad more physical description, and more clarification on the ending. Keep up the good work!


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Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wise words of wisdom, indeed. I think I would get along much better with my mom if she would stop worrying so much about me. I'm 21 yrs old, I'm a big girl, now. *Laugh* I think the advice you give is very helpful to parents - you don't have to understand your kids (rarely do they understand their parents, either), but simply love them. Of course, I think that's much easier said than done. A thought-provoking piece. I just have one small suggestion:

- now(-)grown


A good write-up, thanks for sharing your wisdom! Very helpful for current or future parents. Keep up the good work!


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Review of End Of The Line  Open in new Window.
Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
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You are very good at the shocking, one-line punch endings. This one was no exception. I love that the guy taking advantage of his employees got what was coming to him in the end. *Smile* I do have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- I do wonder if just some small physical descriptions of the characters would make this come alive a bit more. For instance, the investor that points out a problem in the distance, you could say..."one of the investors asked, pointing his fat finger..." Same goes with the boss...I picture him as a tall lanky guy with a sinister grin. It's just easier to get into the story more when you know what the characters look like, even in a short flash-fiction like this.

- I realize trains take quite a while to stop, but "several hundred feet" seems like it could be enough room. Perhaps if you made it a shorter distance, like 50 ft, the reader would feel the urgency more. Just something to ponder. *Wink*


Some editorial notes:
- behind(-)the(-)scenes
- After an hours, ("hour")
- “What’s that?” One ("one" doesn't need to be capitalized)


Overall, a very good little piece, with a great ending! Keep writing!


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Review of Cold  Open in new Window.
Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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#1383756 by Not Available.


Ooh, creepy, talk about living with what you've done! I like the way this was written, almost stream-of-consciousness, and the rambling thoughts fit the situation very well. I also liked how the first time the body was mentioned, the speaker said "somebody" killed you, and then later he says it was "him" that did it. It fits a narrator with Alzheimer's perfectly. And I can just see a person panicking having such morbid thoughts as the MC does here. I do have just a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- I wondered why they have a walk-in freezer in their home? Perhaps they run a business out of it? I think maybe a small detail on why they have such a large freezer in their home would help.

- I didn't get a clear idea of who the dead person was. A friend? A family member? Not knowing took away from the story for me, b/c I was trying to figure it out.

Some editorial notes:
- But it’s true. A cherry Sno-Cone (fragment, perhaps combine them with a dash)

- I hid you in the walk-in freezer, hidden in the very back. (would remove "hidden" to avoid repetition)


Overall, a very good, creepy story that could use just a bit of tweaking and added detail so the reader can truly concentrate on what's going on. Keep up the good work!


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Review of X Marks The Spot  Open in new Window.
Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Wow, awesome use of words to go through the whole alphabet! I even had to look one up (cairn), which is really rare for me. The words were blended in quite well, and if not for the all-caps and bold, they wouldn't have stuck out from the rest of the story. I absolutely loved the way you ended this, too - the last line was hilarious! *Laugh* Pirates searching for treasure is not a novel idea, but the way you played it out here is. The build up really led you to expect something, so what turned out to be in the chest was quite a shock! I do have just a couple of small suggestions:

- To me, I think a more unique title could be had, like "The Meaning of Treasure," or something like that. Just something to ponder. *Wink*

- (It was) The mark of Captain ECHO, the infamous pirate... (otherwise this is a fragment)

- rumors of (the) treasure’s worth


A great little piece of flash-fiction. If this didn't win, you must have had some very stiff competition! This is one of the more unique pieces I have read in a while. Keep up the great work!


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Review of Divergence  Open in new Window.
Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
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Ooh, creepy. You've got my mind running wild on what could have caused the quaking. I saw the part with Luke coming, but not the avalanche of rubble separating them from the group! *Shock* I'm not overly familiar with the constructs of flash fiction, but I think you have a wonderful short piece here. I found no punctuation or grammar errors (really rare for me), so great job with that! *Bigsmile* I have just a couple of suggestions:

- I would have liked a few details on what Luke and Diane look like...I couldn't get a good picture in my head. Perhaps even something as simple as like..."Luke's blue eyes went wide..."

- Luke and Diane looked at each other, scared. (This was the only line I had a problem with, b/c it has a strong whiff of "telling," not "showing." Instead of just saying they're scared, try to have their actions or facial expressions show it. But I'm sure you already know this. *Wink*)

Overall, a very good, creepy piece of flash fiction. I have to go get under my blanket now, get rid of these goosebumps. Nice work!


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Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Oh, this was hilarious, Carol! *Laugh* I can just imagine myself doing something like that, as I am sooo not a morning person, and like you, always have to have my coffee. This actually reminds me of one time when I rant and raved at my bf about what he had done with my cell phone (he had borrowed it to make a call), and he kept saying he gave it back to me. Come to find out, it was in the pocket on the front of my sweatshirt the whole time! Boy, was I embarrassed! *Blush*

This was a very entertaining read, and besides that, it was very well-written, with no grammatical errors, and a wonderful set-up to the punchline. I love how you don't say that all that had been "robbed" was the coffee-pot until the part when your husband asks what was taken. I thought at first that you came out of the bedroom to a bare house! I have only two minor suggestions for this story:

- real(-)life surroundings
- I'm not sure why this needs to be rated 18+...you only have one curse word, and it's not one of the "harsher sexually-derived" ones. I think you could make this 13+, and you might get even more readers that way.

Excellent write, this had me laughing out loud! Keep up the great work!


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Review of Dead End  Open in new Window.
Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Interesting twist at the end, as far as the motive for the murder. Assisted suicide is a very controversial topic today. Overall, I think you have a good story with enough detail to interest the reader. I love the detail added in about the art exhibit. I also really liked the inner style of narration of the investigator. I can almost hear the old detective music playing in the background, if you know what I mean. *Wink* I do have several suggestions to make this good story even better, take them or leave them:

- On a thematic note, I thought the part where the investigator is piecing together that Daryl is the culprit went by far too quickly. Try expanding this, adding in more description, perhaps even some dialog when the investigator comes to his apartment. How did he accidentally open the closet with the bandannas? If you can expand this and make the piecing together slower and more subtle, it will create greater suspense and mystery, drawing the reader to keep reading to find out who did it.

- Another thing you could do is expand on the other culprits without dismissing them so quickly, leaving the reader to wonder which one it was.


Some technical notes:
- I was confused at the time-line in the first couple of stanzas. It seems that Marge was telling the story of what happened the night her grandfather was killed. Therefore, I think you want to use some past tense. Some sentences that should be in past tense:

- Should she check on her grandfather? No need to make such a fuss. The sick old man needs his sleep.
- Since it is late already, she decides to go bed.
- Marge says she sleeps deeply that night until eight in the morning, an hour later than usual. Her boss will yell; she knows it. As she rushes out the door, she can barely greet the day-nurse just walking in. (although "says" should be kept present, b/c she is currently telling her story)
- That afternoon, her boss calls Marge into his office.
- Marge asks the oversized policeman with the ruddy complexion.

The fact that these were in present tense caused some confusion for me, b/c at first I thought the detective was there (on the night her grandfather was killed) and asks her whether she should check on her grandfather, and she decides to go to bed, and he's still there when she rushes out the door.

- As she talks(,) I imagine her in a paint(-)smeared coverall with a spatter of titanium(-)white

- She says, for the Monroe County Art Exhibit within days, she needs some fresh pieces and aims for the first place. (This read awkward to me, try changing the word order, like..."She says she needs some fresh pieces for the Monroe County Art Exhibit within days, and that she aims for first place.")

- Between work and her ailing grandfather(,) she has little time during the day.

- "Miss Eckersley. Where is your Grandfather?" (change period to comma)

- When was the last time you saw him. (change period to question mark)

- A neighbor says, most everyone (comma not needed)

- She doesn't seem to care how things turn out. ("turned," since the grandfather has already died)


Overall, I think you have a good story here that could become truly excellent if expanded to increase the suspense. It's a good sign that I want to read more, though...means you've done your job as an author to interest me. *Smile* Keep up the great work!


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Review of Infinity, Simply  Open in new Window.
Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I like the mix of abstract and concrete concepts of infinity in this. The last stanza is a very powerful conclusion, and a great way to express love. My favorite lines were: "Certainly my thoughts run tirelessly to the phantom summit, / Only to begin below, anew, at the foundation of my ignorance." What a great way to show the rising of thoughts, and then the fall when we realize how little we really know! *Smile* I do have a couple of suggestions, take them or leave them:

- I would suggest removing the end-line commas and periods, as it has created a couple of technical problems. For instance, the first stanza is a fragment (there's no verb) and the second stanza is a run-on sentence. The ending commas aren't needed anyway, b/c the line break creates a natural pause.
- My logic is mystified(,) pondering magnitude without limit,

Overall, a wonderful poem that tackles a large (literally) and very abstract concept. Keep up the great wor!


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Review of As the Sun Sets  Open in new Window.
Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
For such a short poem, this manages to convey so much emotion. I like the personification of night in "thieving night" and the focus on a single star that somehow seems so important. I do have a couple of suggestions, take them or leave them:

- uneasy comfort (to me this seems like an oxymoron; I think you might be getting at the idea of the comfort not being secure or certain...perhaps something like "fragile comfort" would be more accurate)
- although the concluding line is powerful, I think it might work better if expanded into a longer line, or even two lines, like the rest of the poem...maybe something like "As the sun sets, I bury my head in my hands / And I cry"....putting "I cry" on a separate line would also make it stand out more)

Overall, a great, emotional poem that I think could use just the tiniest bit of tweaking. *Smile* Keep up the good work, it was a pleasure to read!


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Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I definitely think you should finish this! I think a whole novel could be made out of this story. *Smile* It held my interest from beginning to end, and I thought it was rather well-written. I love that you included some "pirate dialect," too. I definitely see an interesting plot unfolding. I do have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- One a thematic/plot level, I wish you had given a little more description about the relationship between Charlotte and her father. You include a brief paragraph mentioning all the lessons he taught her, but I really feel like you could include more of these lessons, give the reader a clearer picture of just what type of relationship they had. I felt like there was a big leap between when he sent her away, and all of a sudden, it's 4 yrs later. I think giving a bit more description about their relationship would help the reader emphasize with her loss more.

One a technical note, I do have some editing suggestions (relatively few, for a story this length):
- That is(,) until nearly three months ago.
- He taught Charlotte everything about the sea, sailing(,) and life.
- He taught Charlotte everything about the sea, sailing and life. (would consider placing "the sea" last in this list, as it took me a moment to realize the "her" in the rest of the paragraph referred to the sea)
- in his best pirate voice(,) “fer she’ll turn on ye in a bloody second if yer not careful.”
- I don't think you need the quotes around the letter, as the italics already sets it apart from the narrative
- She was able to tuck her hair under her hat, smear some dirt on her face(,) and pass herself off as a boy
- three(-)cornered hat
- matured so much in the last few years(,) Lisette almost
- red(-)haired
- One, not so willing to let go set her on a tear, “Unhand (comma should be period)
- equality of every man(,) and this belief
- Not for his own personal gain(,) but in the name
- Over the course of fifteen years(,) he had freed
- “So you think it was one of the slavers(,) then?”
- about two years now(,) I think.
- A little chuckle escaped Charlotte, (comma should be period)
- using me for bait(,) now does he?”

Overall, I thought this was very well-written. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. I think if you gave just a bit more detail about Charlotte's father, and did some editing, this would be a fantastic first chapter to a longer work! Keep writing!


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Review of How Does It Feel?  Open in new Window.
Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow, this has such a powerful message. The interrogative tone of the piece works very well to make the reader stop and think how lucky they truly are. Very simple, direct wording, but it works perfectly for this piece. I do have just a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- To be loved and fed... (since you've already brought in the idea of having food, perhaps replace "fed" with something like "sheltered" or "clothed")
- I think you could expand along the same lines as the second-to-last paragraph, describing more what it feels like to not have these things, in order to have more thematic balance in the poem, as the poem seems rather heavy on what it feels like to have these things
- So tell me(,) Lucky Ones,

Overall, a very good piece...I just wish it were a bit longer! *Bigsmile* Keep up the great work!




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Review of Rebellious urge!  Open in new Window.
Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I think everyone feels this way at some point, just wanting to rebel against everything they've been told and start a totally new direction with their life. The direct, almost stream-of-consciousness manner in which this is written works well for the subject matter. I do have several suggestions, take them or leave them:

- I would suggest removing all of the commas at the ends of the lines...many of them are technically incorrect, and the line break creates a natural pause, anyway
- Oh(,) yes I did good, arranged great games, for friends, (don't need comma after "games")
- Oh yes(,) I was considered crazy and funny, people loving my company,
- Oh yes(,) I was considered clever and wise, for my good spiritual play acting, (don't need comma after "wise")
- That I(,) in truth(,)
- That I in truth, still am clinging to the seeking, (in addition to above suggestion, this line was a bit awkward to read, perhaps switch the position of "still and "am")
- To try and smiling, is only pulling muscles, not feeling, (a bit awkward, would change "smiling" to "smile" and remove the comma after it)
- And maybe, just maybe(,) will I roar! (again, inversion makes this a bit awkard..."I will roar!"
- I would consider removing the last line. I don't think it adds anything to the poem, and in fact, I think it detracts from it a bit....ending with the line before it, in my opinion, makes for a stronger conclusion.

Overall, a good poem. I like how you talk about the two different sides of yourself - what the world sees, and what you see. I think with a little work, this will be an even better piece. I hope this review is of some help. Keep up the great work!


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Review of Butterfly Love  Open in new Window.
Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Ah, the age-old admiration from afar. I think you did a good job describing the emotions involved in admiring someone, but never being able to tell them how you feel. I especially love the metaphor of the gate in the fourth stanza. I do have a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- In my eyes she was most exquisite / As any man has ever wanted to hold (the transition btw these lines read a bit off to me, what about changing "most" to "more" and "as" to than"..."In my eyes, she was more exquisite / Than any man has ever wanted to hold")
- I noticed there is an extra space btw the third and fourth stanza, and also a lot of space after the text
- This heart I protect to it's dying day ("it's" should be "its," since you're showing possession, not saying "it is")
- Always my precious(,) as I watched, she grew
- Oh heart(,) take a chance, if hurt you will mend
- Fear not(,) dear heart(;) you won't break but bend
- I'm not sure I understood the last line..perhaps a bit of rewording?

Overall, I thought this was well-written. I think with some minor tweaking, this will be a great poem! Keep up the great work! *Smile*


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Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
What determination you have! This is such a sad poem, a desperate man searching for the right words to show he cares. And I think on some level, every writer can relate to this...when you just can't find the right words to express what you wish to convey. I thought this was fairly well-written, and the rhyme scheme was mostly good, with several imperfect rhymes, but for the most part, they worked well. I do have several suggestions, take them or leave them:

- Sometimes I wish I could write well, (consider finding a more specific adverb than "well")
- I wish I could say all the right things, (don't need comma)
- that would make my lover(')s heart sing.
- and soft(-)spoken words turn into fights.
- And the right words pour out, like sweat on a brow, (last comma should be semicolon)
- Then I fold up my arms, after all the entrys, ("entries")
- In the last two lines of stanza five, you lose your rhyming and this detracts from the message a bit, since the reader is expecting a rhyme...what about revising the last line to something like "always doubting if I've spoken from my gut"...only an example...a good place to find rhymes is http://www.rhymezone.com/
- then off to the mailbox, that hangs on the wall. (don't need comma)
- Behind curtains I see the postman came, (comma should be semicolon)\
- So it's back to my pen and searching for words. (to keep your capitalization choice consistent, "so" shouldn't be capitalized...also, you lost your rhyming again...what about replacing "words" with "a cure"?)
- Oh how I wish I could say it right, (comma should be semicolon)
- after all she was, the love of my life. (move comma to after "all")
- I can't say for you, but I have no regrets, (a little awkward, perhaps replace "say" with "speak"?...also, the last comma should be a semicolon)

Overall, a good poem, and I like the description and the story it tells. I think it needs just a tad bit of tweaking, and it could turn into a truly excellent piece! *Smile* I hope this review can be of some help. Keep up the great work!


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Review of I Wonder  Open in new Window.
Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I love the metaphor of "dancing" in this, especially when you mention your dance card. The regret comes through strongly in this. My favorite lines were: "The bullets spun in the chamber / and this time, one had your name on it." Great expression! *Smile* Overall, I thought this was very well written. I do have a few small suggestions (most to improve the flow in a couple of spots), take them or leave them:

- my dance card full. (I would suggest putting a "was" in front of "card" to make the syllable count more even to the line above it
- I didn't have the energy, (don't need comma)
- or the heart to go round again. (would suggest removing "the" to decrease syllable count, again making the flow a bit smoother)
- because I was hiding behind the door. (to keep from repeating "door," consider revising...perhaps "because I was in hiding...this would also even up syllable count)

A good poem that with a tiny bit of tweaking could become truly excellent! Keep up the good work!


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Review of Imagine  Open in new Window.
Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I love the simple, direct tone of this. I also think the repetition and rhyming works very well for this piece. My favorite line is the last one. It's a very strong ending to this poem (won't give it away for those who come across this on the Reviewing page). I like how this is more general and could apply to anyone who longs for a lost love. I feel like it could use a bit more description, though, perhaps simply adding some adjectives. This would allow you to add a little more of your own unique writing style and would also emphasize the contrast between when the speaker and his love were together vs. now.

- For instance, for the first stanza, you could do something like:

Imagine that carefree time
Imagine that far-away place
Close your eyes and
Imagine my grinning face

This is only an example, and probably not a very good one (especially b/c I was not there, you were!). Perhaps play around with some adjectives, see what you can come up with. *Smile*

- On a more technical note, I feel like the poem would flow a bit better if an "and" was added after "Close your eyes" in each stanza (or perhaps it could be moved to the line below it).

Overall, a good poem that I feel could use just a bit of "jazzing up" to really make it stand out in the reader's mind. Keep up the great work!


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Review of A Parent's Love  Open in new Window.
Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a very interesting piece, the effects of babying a child vs. being harsh to them. I thought it was generally well-written, with a strong message. My favorite line is "Inequitable treatment damaged both." I think that is just so true; many parents, most unintentionally, play favorites with their kids, which is not good for anyone. I have several suggestions to make this good poem even better, take them or leave them:

- A parent’s love: unconditional(,)
- Two children three years(,)
- But worlds(,) apart.
- A momma’s boy, now he's the perfect wife; (I was a bit confused by this line, b/c it seems you're saying that he's a wife, perhaps add a verb? ..."now he's got the perfect wife")
- He turned his back on his sister(,)
- She pitied him his lack of spine, ("she" being the sister or the wife?)
- One dominant woman to another(,)
- The sister had the pair he lacked(,)
- A daughter born opened her eyes(;)
- Never repeat the words of the past(:) (also, would consider replacing "words" with something like "actions," etc, to avoid repetition)
- Love can make it all worthwhile(.)
- Hug them, hold them, safe them keep(;)
- Although I thought the rhyming in the last three stanzas was generally good (except in the second-to-last line, where it caused an awkward inversion), for me, rhyming is either all or nothing. It tripped me up a bit, interrupting the flow, when all of a sudden there was a rhyme scheme where there wasn't before. I thought the first half of the poem worked very well as a free-verse, so I would consider removing the rhyming in the second half.

Overall, a good poem with an important message that was very enjoyable to read. I think with a bit of tweaking, this could be a truly excellent piece! *Smile* Keep up the great work!

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Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow, you have some great metaphors here - superwoman, a see-saw, a rising cake. I assume this is an into to what will be a folder containing pieces about your experience with bi-polar. If so, this is a great introduction! I thought this was generally well-written, with the contrast of the ups and downs handled in a very good manner. I do have just a few suggestions, take them or leave them:

- The pendulum abruptly stops swinging (consider changing "abruptly" to "suddenly" for an alliterative effect
- I drink the other potion (consider replacing "potion" with a synonym, such as "cocktail"
- I hit an iceberg, start sinking (this line doesn't seem to be as direct an opposite as the rest, what about something like..."The world turns, and I am stranded at the bottom")

Overall, a very good poem that was a pleasure to read. Keep up the great work!

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Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
These are sweet, and you use some very unique metaphors. I noticed you did decide to use end punctuation, and to me, it's all or nothing. So, to stay consistent, I do have some technical suggestions:

#2:
- period after "waist"
- comma after "eyes"
- commas instead of dashes in last line

#3
- period after "Singing"
- comma after "sung"
- "comma after "hummed"
- period after "Sings"
- comma after "Glows"
- period after "mist"
- period after "floats"
- comma after "Ornament"
- period after "base"

Overall, a good little collection, and I like the progression until in the third one, the speaker has totally fallen for the sprite. I think with a bit of editorial tweaking, this will be a truly great collection. Keep up the great work!

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Review of Dear Angela  Open in new Window.
Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
First response...ooh, creepy. This gave me the chills, and I feel very sorry for poor Angela that she has "won" this guy - who knows if she will come to the same fate? I think this was an excellent take on the picture prompt, very unique. Overall, I thought this was well-written, but I do have a few technical suggestions, take them or leave them:

- a real drag(,) anyway.
- to make it work, I mean(,) she always wore (change comma to semicolon)
- habits of yours, I can really see a difference. (change comma to semicolon or dash)
- I worked until sunrise(,) and I’m sweaty and dirty(,) so I’m going to take a shower
- I would try to vary your sentence structure more, as most of your sentences begin with "I" or "she." This can be done by combining sentences, placing adv/adj clauses first, and other such techniques
- I would try to find some synonyms for "finally"...I was a bit distracted by how often this word was used in paragraphs 2-4

Overall, a good piece and a very enjoyable read. Keep up the great work!

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Review of Special Delivery  Open in new Window.
Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Messages in bottles? I didn't know ppl really did that anymore, LOL. I was intrigued by the idea. I did feel it ended very abruptly, though. What were the white granules - bird poop? If so, I don't think "granules" is the right word...perhaps "droppings." It left me wondering what's the point in all of this? I think the ending needs a bit of expanding so the reader can better take away the message you're trying to get across. Other than that, I have a few technical suggestions, take them or leave them:

- sweeping away my footprints(,) when suddenly
- after the attacks (what attacks? might want to explain)
- two(-)mile morning walk (compound adjective)
- during that big Nor’easter(,) and had stubbornly
- in the roots(,) and once a kite, still flying
- in the second and third sentence of the fifth paragraph, I would use question marks instead of periods
- tourist artists, ("touring")
- branches(,) was an odd(-)shaped
- bottles in out at the Point(,) with dreams (would remove "in," as it is already kind of implied, and "in out" is a bit awkward to read)
- anyone(,) even though
- nearby(,) hoping

Overall, I thought this was a good start to a story that could become much better with some tweaking. Keep up the great work!

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Review of Honor  Open in new Window.
Review by wiggy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A very good poem, and so true! My favorite lines were "In some cultures, life without honor / is too shameful to be endured." I didn't notice any punctuation/grammar errors, which is VERY rare for me, so great work with that! I do have one very small suggestion:

- as fools (would remove "as")

An excellent poem! I like the direct style it was written in. Sorry I can't offer any more suggestions, but I think this is almost perfect as-is. *Bigsmile* Keep up the great work!

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