I think I need to tread lightly with this review as the writing is grammatically sound and the content is audience-driven. The problem for me is that I don't think I fit the demographic of the target audience, so I thought the piece was a tad antiquated as the advice was probably accurate 30 years ago but I don't think it would resonate with hip, fashion-forward guys today. I could be completely wrong about this, but the days of bulky rings and dark blazers are over.
Overall, I liked this little poem. It is both reverent and brooding at the same time and the feel of the poem does conjure up feelings of fall and autumn. I think the leaf falling is a tad antiquated in terms of an image that illicits a specific feeling and I'm not sure that I would keep the all-inclusive "We". I think I would have liked the poem without including me (in the form of "We") in it. Try it without the "We"s and the "our" and see how it feels. It may be that you will want to keep it how it is, but I think it would be a bit more forlorn without familiarizing it. Also try to switch up the "page-turn", "leaf-fall", and 'time-comes" combinations. Try some different verbs.
Well, jamminjohn, this was a fairly pleasant little read with a captivating tone, although I'm not sure the first three paragraphs had anything to do with the holiday season and therefore kind of through me off the scent for a bit. I am also kind of hesitant to get too excited about the sentence, "It was a dark and stormy night" without the whole thing being tongue in cheek. I mean it is the most cliched phrase in all of writing history. In fact, as I'm sure you know it is the basis of the poor writing competition called the Bulwer-Lytton Competition. In the end, I thought the whole thing harmless, however, and appreciate the sentiment. Merry Christmas to you and yours.
Giggles, as far as a stream of consciousness poem or prayer (however you want to classify it), I think it has potential, especially because it is so refreshing to realize that young people really feel like this. As far as a real polished poem, it has some work, but that is a great opportunity to do some creative revision. I found the the verbs to be very staid and run-of-the-mill. For example, you use a form of the verb "to be" eight times in this poem and I lost count of the times you used "want". The point is that verbs like these and others like "have", "do", "make", and "see" don't carry any action or evoke any emotions or thought. Your tone is wonderful but try to really pontificate in this and I think you'll find it reads stronger.
First and foremost, John, I love the idea of this poem. It reminds me of The Nazarene by Sholem Asch and Barabbas by Par Lagerkvist, both of which are novels but have that longing and that despair. I am not sure that I wouldn't like to see more description about the carpenter and what the years have done to him. All we know about him is that he is old and he shuffles for the most part. I think that descriptive detail would really add to this poem. I also think the long lines could be culled if only a little to aid in the readability of the poem. Fine start and something that is worthy of revision, for sure.
redvej, a couple of slight things about the form just to be thorough. The meter of a Shakespearean Sonnet is usually iambic pentameter with the stress on the second, fourth, sixth, eighth, and tenth syllables. I know it isn't strictly required but the eleventh line is all wrong no matter how you look at it. It isn't a pentameter as it has only nine syllables and it definitely isn't iambic. Also the "an" is an incorrect usage. The poem outside of these quibbles is quite good however and very well done considering this is your first.
This was a hard one for me to appropriately review for a couple of reasons. I am not fond of the topic first and foremost, and I am not the best guy to analyze a free verse poem with an uneven meter (although I sense an adherence to a pacing of some sort within the poem) All of this being said, I liked it. I found the action to plod a little bit but I'm not sure there is a way to infuse it with any more umph without changing its message. I also think the giving of roses a tad cliched although it appears here in a different context than I usually see it. As I said, I liked it but I'm not sure I loved it. Good luck.
This is actually quite a fun little poem. I can see what you mean when you talk about the fear of intimacy part of this. I think I like the second stanza the best of the two just because the imagery is funner and the Armadillo reference is spot on in so many ways. I almost think I would have preferred if you had kept with that analogy instead of going the NYC route, but that is just a preference. Interesting and entertaining nonetheless.
I actually think this has some potential, but I would revise the form and sentence breaks so it reads a touch easier. Long lines usually tend to dissuade people from reading poetry of this form. Secondly, I am not sure I understand exactly who the "I" and the "you" are in this piece. Now that is probably by design, but I think by not clarifying that and making it more concrete the poem reads a little loose, like its searching for a more definitive meaning. Wish I could pinpoint it, but hopefully this helps in some way.
I think this is very well done, but I have a few comments about the story that you might just keep in mind. If Jenna is only eight and she is having a dream about sprites, elves, dwarves, etc., then I think the fact that she reads Steven King, Anne Rice and Danielle Steele to be quite curious. It would make slightly more sense to have her read Tolkien, Lewis, or J.M Barrie. to name a few. The creatures in her mind after reading King and Rice might just be incredibly different. I did like the solemnity of the piece, but thought it lacked a dynamic quality. I guess that is good and bad. For one, the dynamism is wrapped up in the lesson of the dream, but I wonder if the lesson is fun enough for a children's audience. Wonderfully done, but I'm not sure it is publishable just yet. Sorry I couldn't be more helpful.
I really thought this had a very nice narrative quality to it and I had absolutely no problems with the rhyme scheme as none of them seemed forced at all. Well done. I guess I might question the length. I thought it could be longer if only to delve into the reasons for the actions. It is a trifling objection, but I guess I wanted more background in the poem itself. Wonderful job, though.
Well, Mikey, the problem with this whole exercise is that the characters are not only farcical but unlikeable. At no point did I feel empathy, sympathy, or even mock hatred for the Steve character, which kind of dooms the narrative from the get go. I only continued reading because I thought there must be something defective about him that might be amusing, but alas he is a dolt, and an uninteresting dolt at that. Secondly, the introduction of Francis was contrived. I mean Stevie needs a 'poon and Francis happens to have one! What are the odds? Come on, I hope we aren't gullible enough to believe that. Lastly, use line breaks between paragraphs in the future so that readers can follow the narrative clearly. Good luck.
Meg, this was a wonderfully poignant little poem that I am afraid I relate to on way too much of a personal basis. I think that is what drew me in. The fact that it is so expressive and vivid is an added bonus. I especially liked the line about "carmelized edges of naivete". The image of something so sweet and sugary being burnt to the point of carmelization was a wonderful image given the thrust of the poem. If I was to nitpick at all, it would be the stomach swoosh. It just didn't work for me. It seemed, I don't know, less sophisticated considering the lines that followed it. Overall, though, a great poem.
Lost, since this is a stream of consciousness-style poem it is difficult to really critique it, but there are a few things you can do that would aid the flow and visual effect of this poem. It reads very choppy because of the inordinate number of two, three and four letter words. For example, one line reads, "The rest of my soul must wait till I am done with my mission." 13 of the 14 words are less than five letters and none of those have more than one syllable. Another reads, "I must not give in to my desire now." Again the small, short, choppy words. What this does is overwhelm the reader and it makes the poem lose cohesiveness. It is tiring to the eye to see so many small words. The last six or seven lines are fraught with this problem and the narrative loses steam. Find a different word that evokes or describes and I think you will see your poem improve dramatically. Good luck.
I enjoyed this poem on kind of a homespun simple level, but it lacks vivid imagery and the narrative musing is not a whole lot more than that. I think it has potential to be a probing, pensive piece but just the image of an eagle "flying so high in the sky" is too cliched and simple to evoke much thought.
I found this piece to be quite an exercise in internal narrative. It is ambitious and personal(at least it seems to me). There are some grammar problems that bog it down at times and some content problems but they aren't too difficult to address. First and foremost, lose the first sentence altogether. It is such a cliched way to begin a story that there is actually a bad writing competition devoted to that line. I kid you not.
Secondly, the run on sentences are very burdensome. Try to limit your sentences to a manageable number of nouns and verbs. The second paragraph is one complete run-on sentence. The flow of your prose would work much better with some terse editing of those sentences.
Lastly, I read a writing critique one time that suggested that if it comes down to show or tell, always show. This piece tells far more than it shows. I don't know how the main character got where he is, but he tells more than he ever should. Edit this once more thoroughly and you'll find you have a much better piece. Good luck.
This is a solid little story, albeit, I felt the descriptive passages could have been a little deeper. For example, it is mentioned that Benny was bad and that nobody could handle themselves as good(?) as he could, but there were few examples of the badness. With a few more vivid accounts of the exact level of badness that Benny was capable, the richer the payoff at the end. In all, a wonderful account of the imaginative depth of children but it could have just a bit more hidden in McNeir's basement, if you know what I mean.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/wilkecollins
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 10:47pm on Nov 24, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
