I'd forgotten what happened 4/26/86. I remember the space shuttle exploding in January of that year -- I was a junior in high school. But I'd forgotten about Chernobyl.
Your short item is generally well written and reads like a journal entry. I wonder why you use the word "ironically" in the sentence introducing your quote, though. Why is it ironic?
Nevertheless, your factual ending, with the exact time and date and specifics, was an effectively chilling way to conclude the item.
This is a heartbreaking tribute to your son. Mental illness is so difficult, but you have bravely faced its pain by transforming it into an evocative, beautiful, touching poem.
A haunting poem. I like your repetition
-- it works well, especially in the first stanza (my favorite).
My favorite line is
"I've been staring at your eyes for the past
thousand years,
but you never noticed."
I'd like more of that throughout the poem....that metaphorical, original kind of thing that sounds fresh to the reader.
A few edits:
Here -->
"I've been calling you name since the day i met"
You want to say "your name," not "you name."
Also, I'd either capitalize or not capitalize. It doesn't work as well when you do it sometimes and not others; it just makes it seem like you're making punctuation errors.
Overall, I liked the tone and feel of the poem very much! Write on.
Great writing. Polished, humorous, and engaging. I think it could benefit from shortening, though...
I would remove this entire section, as I don't think it adds anything and may even detract from the ultimate, hilarious ending....try removing everything from and including:
Luis succumbed anew and checked...
to
That hand clenched involuntarily into a fist.
and then read it again.
Just my opinion here, but I think it would improve the piece overall -- keeping it succinct and sharp and witty without drawing in too many details.
Ohhhhhh, yeah. This one made me shudder with that nameless feeling you get when confronted with something distasteful yet undeniable.
Of course I read it with complete empathy for the speaker - what couple hasn't suffered the delusion of "we are transcendent of the common" only to find the declaration itself to be the most common thing of all?
Sometimes I am complacent in my own relationship with husband Andy. Your poem, among other things, reminds me not to be. I'll get right on that...
...just as soon as I'm finished reeling from the poetic talent with which you have once again blown me away!
I love this poem; I've read all three of your poems now and I think you use repitition really well - it lends structure to the free verse and creates a definite rhythm.
The only thing I'd suggest is different formatting, with blank spaces between some of the lines and perhaps some varied line breaks. Here's your poem the way I would lay it out to convey how I'm "hearing" it:
I’m not sure what will come first
My beginning or end?
My hands are resting
On the starting line
While my feet lie across
The space marked
finish
Stuck here in
hope
someone will
Help me, save me
And all the while
Wishing I could change my life
Wishing I could protect her innocence...
Diseased soul
(Not her fault)
Falling into another’s hole
Never knowing if she’ll be caught
Push me push me push me
She’s not sure what will come first
Her beginning or end?
Her tiny hands reach
Not quite far enough
To start or to
end
Stuck here in
hope
someone will
Help her, save her
And all the while
Wishing I could change her life
Wishing I could protect innocence...
- - -
I'm happy you've joined the site. Please let me know if there is anything you need any help finding your way around!
I'm not sure if I can even tell you why, but I'll try... for me it just doesn't have the same pizazz as the first part. The premise isn't nearly as carefully constructed, and I as reader stopped caring about the questions.
You are obviously an educated writer, though! Your work is well-written and formatted nicely, so I have no edits or nitpicky grammatical issues at all.
You've said you wrote this "by request" -- sometimes that just doesn't work. it's hard to force something out of you that isn't ready to come out, at someone's request. I am a deadline writer myself, for a living, and I struggle with this issue a lot.
Then again, I may be way off base. I hope my comments haven't offended.
I love how you don't give voice to the "audience" and yet present the symposium leader's responses in such a way as to fill your reader in quite nicely. This technique is fresh and inventive!
I love your explanation for the "moaning and groaning" of ghosts in walls! Again, an excitingly original idea. Really, all of your ideas are original - witty and fun as well.
One Suggestion: I think you should use the word "attorney" instead of "lawyer" in paragraph 4, in keeping with the brilliantly tongue-in-cheek technical language of the rest of the paragraph.
Your item has a very "Beetlejuice" feel to it, and yet you never rip off anyone else's idea or even join anyone else's world. You've created your OWN world with your OWN rules, and you've done so exceedingly successfully!
I think your advice is wonderful! You present so many good ideas and tips/tricks to help the potential author.
I'd edit and polish this up quite a bit, though. When you are writing about writing, it's especially important for your sentences to be as clear and clean as possible. Here are a few examples/suggestions for editing:
- - -
I'd take the first paragraph out altogether and replace it with:
"Do you have what it takes to be a writer?"
You want the strongest, most succinct opening sentence to draw the reader in....right?
- - -
Under #1, instead of ->
"typing (writing) away at their writing".
...just say -->
"writing away?
- - -
Under #5, instead of -->
"5. They are motivated to getting their book published. "
...just say -->
5. "They are motivated to publish their work".
- - -
Click on "word count" and notice the "words most often used" column; how many times have you used the word "that" ? I notice this because I'm often guilty of the same thing! Often your sentence will work just as well (and appear clearer/less cluttered) by removing "that" altogether.
- - -
...those kind of things.
I don't mean to be nitpicky - please don't take it personally. I have actually e-mailed the SM to fix errors in some of the explanatory items in his port.
Thanks for cheering on writing.com's potential writers with such encouraging words!
You must be so proud and thrilled. You guys work soooo hard on it all, more than most people ever realize, I know, and you deserve all the best this life can offer.
You paint a sharp picture without doing any kind of over-describing (something I am often guilty of) or verbosity. "like a kite" is fantastic -- presents just the right image.
I also appreciate how cyclic you've made it -- I know that's somewhat the nature of the poem, but you've created almost a short film, beginning and ending with the same, serene scene. Kind of like "An Incident at Owl Creek Bridge" -- without the hanging.
Delightful story. Your dialogue feels real, with a touch of humor and flowing style that reads easily. I enjoyed being witness to Marie's immersion in ennui and emptiness.
Very interesting and engaging poem with a "wow" pay-off at the end. I love cyclic stuff, so right there you've got me.
The "backside of the sky" helps to make for a wonderfully strong beginning...I did question your use of the word "littered" to describe the cliffs. To me "littered" implies small, unnatural things strewn about...perhaps a more appropriate metaphor could be used there?
Anyway, I am impressed by the whole of the work. Excellently done!
Great analogies throughout this compelling, well-written, and evocative perspective piece. I am an animal-lover as well, and I'm married to a wonderful man who teaches emotionally disturbed kids, so this really spoke to me. So much of your story had me nodding in agreement or wincing in pain. Wonderfully written!
OH MY GOD! I couldn't read this fast enough and my heart was in my throat right from the first paragraph.
What a story! Is this true? This is just excellently written. It draws you in and doesn't let go. Bravo!
As usual, you've told a capitvating tale in your unique voice which rings rich with images and emotions. I love how you've woven so many different woodland creatures into the story as well! Great work.
OOOh what a wonderful twist at the end, completely unexpected and unfolded brilliantly. I tell you, you're a master at the storeom. I stand impressed at your consistent ability to tell such fun, interesting stories in this poetry form.
Wow. I'm glad i found this one today - I am having a rough time and this was so soothing and beautiful. Both the sounds and images are rich and soft. Wonderful work!
I'm with you right up until the last stanza, where, in line 2, I was confused as to who/what "it" was and had to re-read the poem. I thought "it" was the thunderclap. See how this happened, or is it just me?
The last line is: "the stillness of nothingness." For me that's one too many "ness"es. Maybe the 'still of nothingness' or the 'stillness of nothing'?
Love the second stanza especially; the praying mantis image was striking. The whole poem is filled with a strange emptiness that works really well.
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