Summary:
Unexpected horrors lurk inside an abandoned house.
Title and Description
The title is fine, but the description only repeats what is already in a title. It would need to say something new to really hook in the reader.
What I Liked:
I enjoyed the sense of suspense before finding out what happened in the house.
Suggestions for Improvement:
First of all, the story feels a little like a first draft to me. It could really use a lot of polishing; reading the story out loud to yourself could really help you find the places where it doesn't flow well.
Secondly, I was very disappointed that there was no resolution of the mystery. After all the build up of suspense, the story just seemed to end abruptly. The reader could guess from quite early on that something terrible had happened in the house. What we want to know is who did it, and why? My strongest suggestion would be to expand the story by answering those questions.
Flaws and Nitpicks:
These are suggestions about spelling, grammar, and word flow that I picked out while reading the story.
"finally decided that I Would do a little investigating of our own." - "Would" shouldn't be capitalized, and "our" should be "my".
"the little home on Spencer St.?" - I found the abbreviation here to be jarring - too reminiscent that I'm reading something instead of experiencing it. I would suggest writing out "Street" instead.
"I was curious learn anything they could tell" - I think the word "to" is missing before "learn."
"spent his days looking like he was busy by working on friends and families cars" - "friends and families" should both be possessive. I also have the feeling that "families" should be "family's."
"I saw over a dozen cars at a time over at this house across the street during the middle of the night." - Where are these cars coming from? I thought the house was vacant? These were my first thoughts on reading it; it wasn't until later in the story I realized that this had been some years ago. For clarification, you might want to make a transition to show that he's talking about a more distant past.
"It was a good thing they did too because I was about ready to call animal control." - You need a comma before and after "too."
"I must have said that pretty loud to because." should be "I must have said that pretty loud, too, because...."
"In the front window I saw the once abused dog, I hated so much, dead I almost hate to admit how much I hated that dog for fear someone might suspect me of what I was seeing.." - This sentence is a serious run-on, it really needs to be split up into a couple of individual sentences. Also, there's a typo with the double period at the end.
"His head severed from his body both lying side-by-side on the dirty rug in the living room.." - I think you're missing the word "was" before "severed," and again the double periods.
"'Officer, it's head was severed off laying beside its body.'" - should be "'Officer, its head was severed, lying beside its body.'"
"I was careful not to say a word because I did not want to be accused of the crime having taken place." - I think "having taken place" is unnecessarily complicated. I would just leave it, "I did not want to be accused of the crime."
"I really wanted to be let go" - Again, a little overly complex sentence structure. Something like, "I really wanted to leave" would convey the same meaning.
"And tell me has there been any barbecues here lately" - "Has" should be "have."
"it looks like the body is in full tack." - I'm not sure what this means. Fully intact, maybe?
"beheaded dog and it's head." - "it's" should be "its."
"Dwayne was not sure if he wanted to know what just happened kneeled down by me from which I literally jumped into his arms." - Again, a run-on sentence, and the verb forms don't really match.
"and reports bugging everyone they saw" - should "reports" be "reporters"?
Conclusion:
I'm giving this story a 2.5 rating, placing it at slightly below average, because of the combination of lack of a satisfying resolution and the unfinished feeling that the grammatical mistakes and word flow gave me. The good news is, there is a lot of room to improve. Stephen King himself talked about "the gottas" - when you've got to find out what is going to happen next, and you seem to have a good grasp of that. King's mastery of "the gottas" is his greatest quality, I believe, and all of the polished prose in the world won't save a story without that urge to turn the pages. I hope this review has given you some ideas to improve this story, and doesn't sound discouraging. I think there is a lot of potential there, and that with some work, it would be a great candidate for professional publication.
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