Well writen piece, very exciting! One issue i might have is that it could be longer, I want to hear more about the Pilot. Also, the repetition of "Erich" was a bit too much. If it suits you try referring to the character as something else to give the reader a greater sense of sympathy with him. Overall an enjoyable read, can't wait for more; keep me posted!
Regards,
Bill
Once again, an entirely riveting read! Everything i said for the last piece stands for this one! I would, however, like to see developement of the other characters. The closing paragraph is really powerful; strong metaphor and unique simile. When is chapter 3 coming out?!
Bill
Really enjoyable read! I like the changing of tenses and narrative voice, it helps to give the characters a personality that you can seldom see even with a traditional third-person omniscient. The descriptive language is brilliant and the detail given is enough to give a real sense of surrounding but still allowing room for my imagination to work! Good sentence structure variation. I can't wait to start chapter 2!
thanks,
Bill
The story line is great. I like the sound of all the characters. However, i sometimes feel that a variation of setence structure would help to make the piece flow a little better and indeed improve the aesthetics of the piece. Also, I know this is probably intentional, but the enemy could use just a little desricption. Albeit to describe the height of the footsoldiers in the sights of the sniper's rifle, just one snippet of detail to make the mystery a little more tangible! The idea is very exciting and i admire the amount of work you have put into the chapters! I hope one day to be able to write like this myself!
Bill
very well writen, i especially like the use of nine syllables per line... iambic pentameter if im not mistaken... the strict structure gives a good contrast to the child's eye and sense of hopelessness!
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