"At last, as the lanes to the left and right took on the semblance of twin blurs, Jerry began to understand that this was not a random occurance. This was a mystical phenomenon, perhaps owing to a congruence of planets or stars or bottles of ketchup on Aisle Three."
By far this was my favorite line. You took an ordinary emergency trip to the store and made it into something really special. Well done!
The one about Grandma's house was my favorite. The second made me giggle. I admire those who can write good haikus, I always failed at it as a student. Keep up the good work!
This is a good demonstration of the old adage "Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it!" It is also a good rewriting of the old "King Midas' touch" story. I like the characters, the setting and your version of the god of Samhain. I have two main suggestions and one comment to make.
First suggestion, read the story out loud to yourself or a trusted friend. This will help you spot and fix problems with rythm and missing words or awkward phrasing in your sentences.
Second suggestion, after you've followed the first, take your red pen and cross out about every other adjective. It feels like you are trying a little too hard to make your point in your descriptions.
My comment: I love a happy ending, and yet, somehow, this one doesn't feel like it fits. To me it seems a little forced, as if you couldn't bear to just let the story be the way it came out and hammered a happy little twist on the end. That could just be me though. Look over other reviews and see if anyone else disagrees with me, then come to your own conclusion.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/xandra
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 1:47pm on Dec 26, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
