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101 Public Reviews Given
101 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of The Marshal  Open in new Window.
Review by Yemel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello! I found your piece "The Marshal" via WDC's "Please Review," and am offering these comments in the spirit of constructive feedback from one "practicing" writer to another. Please consider their source and intent, and regard or disregard as you see fit! *Smile*

*ExclaimB* Overall impact/ impression:
You've drawn in a reader who was not particularly interested in reading a western, so good job! I did enjoy your story.

*Thumbsupl* Best portion/s:
Good use of dialogue - voice of "Sam" sounds very different than Dawson, and the (sheriff) has a distinctly different voice than the marshal .

*Thumbsdownl* Least impressive portion/s:
There are a few descriptions that verge on stereotypical ("at nineteen, young and supple as a cottonwood sapling").

*Gears* Flow - sequence - argument - main idea & details:
Your story flows well. You get the reader interested, then move the story along, then have a resolution at the end.

*Quill* Tone/ Style:
Appropriate for the story - good!

*Music1* Word choices:
Generally good.

*Music2* Grammar, Mechanics:
Unobtrusive, so good!


Thank you for writing and sharing your piece! Write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
2
2
Review of Turkey  Open in new Window.
Review by Yemel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hilarious!
3
3
Review by Yemel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello! I found your piece "The Losers" via WDC's "read & Review," and am offering these comments in the spirit of constructive feedback from one "practicing" writer to another. Please consider their source and intent, and regard or disregard as you see fit! *Smile*

*ExclaimB* Overall impact/ impression:
Very nicely done! Your piece has risen to the No Dialogue challenge! This is an engaging read.

*Thumbsupl* Best portion/s:
I feel that I successfully solved the little mystery of what was going on just before it was made quite clear. I enjoy the satisfaction of doing that (when it happens!).

*Gears* Flow - sequence - argument - main idea & details:
Good flow and sequence. I did not go back to see if the characterizations stayed true throughout the back-and-forth, but the conversation sounds realistic enough, except that I was also expecting some annoyance about reading over one's shoulder.*Wink*

I enjoyed reading this item!

Thank you for writing and sharing your piece! Write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
4
4
Review of Farmyard Noir  Open in new Window.
Review by Yemel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello! I found your piece "Farmyard Noir" via WDC's "Read & Review," and am offering these comments in the spirit of constructive feedback from one "practicing" writer to another. Please consider their source and intent, and regard or disregard as you see fit! *Smile*

*ExclaimB* Overall impact/ impression:
This was a fun read!

*Thumbsupl* Best portion/s:
I enjoyed all of the story. You have several clever little elements here, including the main character's voice and style. I did particularly enjoy " the ugliest weapon known to animal kind. Gossip."

*Gears* Flow - sequence - argument - main idea & details:
Your story flows well. It was a good idea to set off the second section as you did, to help reader stay oriented.

*Quill* Tone/ Style:
Consistent tone and style that work well for this story!

*Music1* Word choices:
Good.

*Music2* Grammar, Mechanics:
Grammar & mechanics are well done, generally do not get in the way of the story.

*Tools* Suggestions:
There may be a few details here or there that a very tight editing might find. Nice job! I enjoyed your story!

Thank you for writing and sharing your piece! Write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
5
5
Review of Internment  Open in new Window.
Review by Yemel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello! I found your piece "Internment" via WDC's "Read & Review," and am offering these comments in the spirit of constructive feedback from one "practicing" writer to another. Please consider their source and intent, and regard or disregard as you see fit! *Smile*

*ExclaimB* Overall impact/ impression:
Nicely done! I am impressed that it is from a Writer's Cramp entry, tho I see that you may have revised it - seems to be more of a "completed" piece, rather than a quick draft.

*Gears* Flow - sequence - argument - main idea & details:
Perhaps the first paragraph would serve better if it was not the lead, as the next paragraph does not flow from it. Other than that, the story moves logically and reasonably, and has a good beginning, middle, and end.

*Quill* Tone/ Style:
Consistent "voice" - does not distract, and helps in leading reader through story.

*Music2* Grammar, Mechanics:
Thumbs up!

*Tools* Suggestions:
Congrats on being able to make a coherent story from the prompt!

Thank you for writing and sharing your piece! Write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
6
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Review by Yemel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello - I found your piece "Dare I?" on WDC's Read & Review.

This review is my attempt to give you some feedback which I hope will be of use to you. Please feel free as always to consider anything you might find helpful, and to disregard what you feel does not apply.

Overall impression:
Wow! Nicely done!

Style and Voice:
Your piece first caught my attention with its 'look' - nicely formatted, organized, and brief enough that it looked to be worth my time to read. It definitely did not disappoint.

I thought at first you were referring to the act of writing itself as the dare, just the act of being a writer. You caught me by surprise with the actual (and most likely more significant to you) additional layers.

Word Choices, incl. Figurative Language; Structure and Form
Very effective repetitive structure and figurative language - the dance floor, the sea, the crossing of the bridge.

Rhyme and Rhythm
There are a few stutter-steps - shark-infested sea, try to catch your attention - where the change in syllables interrupts the rhythm - but overall the pattern reads very very well, and perhaps the stutter-steps in the writing reflect the stutter-steps in the actions being depicted?

Personal Opinion
This is an extremely good piece of work! Thank you for posting it on WDC!

Thank you for sharing your work! Best wishes as you 'Write On!"


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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7
Review of Silent Witness  Open in new Window.
Review by Yemel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I found your piece "Silent Witness" via the "Read & Review" menu option on the side bar of WDC page.

Overall Impression
This poem surprised me, as it was not about the topic I first understood it to be about (I first understood it to be about the ground being plowed for planting). Some of your word choices are excellent (stanza 1, except that "death's harbingers" is somewhat awkward; stanza 2; stanza 7).

Content
You have painted a good picture with your words - I can visualize the cemetery reasonably well without much effort.


Structure
Stanza 4's repetition is effective, and fits the mood of the poem.


Suggestions
A few words might be reconsidered - "harbingers," as used in Stanza 1, feels awkward, and in stanza 5, line 3 "infuses into waiting wreaths" gives a good picture eventually, but takes a bit of work in the mind of the reader to do so.

Stanza 6 seems somewhat forced, even though it uses good imagery.

Stanzas 7, 8 and 9 - nice!


Summary
I enjoyed reading your poem, and will keep an eye out for some of your other work - I recognize your WDC name, so I am sure you have quite a bit more here. Best wishes!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
8
8
Review by Yemel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (1.0)
Hello! I found your piece on auto-rewards (I am working to renew my membership before it expires), and am offering these comments in the spirit of constructive feedback from one "practicing" writer to another. Please consider their source and intent, and regard or disregard as you see fit! *Smile*

*ExclaimB* Overall impact/ impression:
I need to reread the piece before continuing with any substantive review - but let me say - I am hooked - and certainly hope there are or will be additional installments.

*Thumbsupl* Best portion/s:
The pacing of the narrative - draws the reader in, reader becomes involved very quickly.


*Thumbsdownl* Least impressive portion/s:
The beginning paragraphs - there must be a phrase for this, but it eludes me at the moment - subordinate clauses perhaps? The style here is too repetitive, nearly every sentence (it seems) beginning with a subordinate clause. Somehow that does contribute to the pacing, but it also detracts from the overall enjoyment of reading the piece. They add details, contribute to the picture in the reader's mind, but also become irritating - whether due to the repetition of the slightly unusual structure, or because they postpone the actual action in the sentence, I am not sure. But they seem to be overused in the beginning. (Later, your narrative moves along much more crisply.)

*Gears* Flow - sequence - argument - main idea & details:
Good. I got slightly lost in a couple of places with the back-and-forth timing, but generally very good, easy to follow, and definitely moves along.

*Quill* Tone/ Style:
Gentle; clearly a painful set of experiences, but accepting rather than accusatory. The changed style - less rushed, somewhat flattened, in the middle portions, nicely compliments the narrator's mental/ emotional state.


Thank you for writing and sharing your piece! Write on! (I am looking forward to next installment/s!)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
9
9
Review of My Wife's Escape  Open in new Window.
Review by Yemel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello! I enjoyed reading your piece, and am offering these comments in the spirit of constructive feedback from one "practicing" writer to another. Please consider their source and intent, and regard or disregard as you see fit! *Smile*

*ExclaimB* Overall impact/ impression:
OK, story moves along - nice ending!!

*Thumbsupl* Best portion/s:
Didn't see that coming - nice! (Had thought that wife was going to find author in her car and get upset.)

*Gears* Flow - sequence - argument - main idea & details:
Good!

*Quill* Tone/ Style:
Fits the story well.

*Music1* Word choices:
Appropriate

*Music2* Grammar, Mechanics:
Good - unobtrusive.

*Tools* Suggestions:
Well, I got kind of thrown off a bit by the short description - "husband" surprised me, given your writing moniker, but the story does work either way, I suppose!

Thank you for writing and sharing your piece! Write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
10
10
Review by Yemel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello! I found your piece following the second portion
, and am offering these comments in the spirit of constructive feedback from one "practicing" writer to another. Please consider their source and intent, and regard or disregard as you see fit! *Smile*

*ExclaimB* Overall impact/ impression:
The pace of this piece has slowed, matching the decreasing urgency... nice.

*Thumbsupl* Best portion/s:
"Unexpectedly... relief... the world was paused." A surprising and very realistic-seeming observation, especially following her noticing that others were carrying on, oblivious to her events.


*Thumbsdownl* Least impressive portion/s:
Having Grief actually physically manipulate objects (the shawl, the tea) gets confusing. I flickered back and forth again between thinking Grief was an aspect of her husband and considering Grief as a separate entity. I suppose one's own dazed state could make it seem as tho one's actions were done by another? Otherwise, the arrival of the tea and the shawl strains the story, in my opinion. (I was more comfortable with Grief as personified, but intangible.) (Also - wasn't the husband's name John or something else earlier?? Maybe not - but thought it had been.

I appreciated the opportunity to read your story. I hope it is fiction - but - wish for gifts, such as this story, to anyone who has experienced this

Thank you for writing and sharing your piece! Write on!


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11
Review of The Cramps (2)  Open in new Window.
Review by Yemel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello! I found your piece following the previous installment
, and am offering these comments in the spirit of constructive feedback from one "practicing" writer to another. Please consider their source and intent, and regard or disregard as you see fit! *Smile*

*ExclaimB* Overall impact/ impression:
Ahh, so sad. Story-wise, a bit choppier than the first installment.

*Thumbsupl* Best portion/s:
Grief thought how instinctual the experience was for Katy. He sat on the cushioned green bench near the over-sized window in the room. He was waiting, as was she.
Your continued personification of Grief, even to the point of giving Grief his own thoughts, is very touching. I like the way Grief is portrayed as compassionate, too, rather than as a violent evil.


*Thumbsdownl* Least impressive portion/s:
?? donning ?? (for the hair? only if a wig...)
Describing Dr. Blackwell as 'a particularly interesting woman' seems to interrupt the story, tho making it clear that is it Grief doing the considering is helpful.

*Gears* Flow - sequence - argument - main idea & details:
Good, upon rereading, but it takes a bit of rereading to reconstruct the timeframe - not sure 'when' we are in the story - date of delivery v. 2 weeks earlier.

*Quill* Tone/ Style:
This portion seems more rushed than the previous one - 'exceptionally organizing' is another instance of seemingly-inconsistent flow.

*Music1* Word choices:
Generally good, interesting, but might benefit from a bit of editing.

*Music2* Grammar, Mechanics:
(as noted above - choppier)

*Tools* Suggestions:
(I just want to continue reading the story!)

Thank you for writing and sharing your piece! Write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
12
12
Review of The Collapse (1)  Open in new Window.
Review by Yemel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello! I found your piece
, and am offering these comments in the spirit of constructive feedback from one "practicing" writer to another. Please consider their source and intent, and regard or disregard as you see fit! *Smile*

*ExclaimB* Overall impact/ impression:
Your title & blurb together are 'grabbers', and this portion of the story did not disappoint.

*Thumbsupl* Best portion/s:
"She had been forced to meet Grief today, but her son was still alive. The details of their brief introduction were already etched into her memory."


*Thumbsdownl* Least impressive portion/s:
"With each step" plus "With the ceiling caving in" - either fine, together somewhat repetitious.

*Gears* Flow - sequence - argument - main idea & details:
Good sequence/ flow

*Quill* Tone/ Style:
Slightly choppy in places, smooth elsewhere. (I am impatient to continue reading this!)

*Music1* Word choices:
met Grief
introduction (to son)

*Music2* Grammar, Mechanics:
A couple of hiccups, with extra words or inconsistent choices - do not need "those" (were the harshest), for example, and "the result of a sinking feeling" seems awkward.

*Tools* Suggestions:
See above:)

Thank you for writing and sharing your piece! Write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
13
13
Review of The Dead Boy  Open in new Window.
Review by Yemel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I found your story on "By Online Authors". I found it a very compelling piece, and hope you find this feedback useful.

*Check2* Overall/ General Impression:
Powerful, powerful piece, spooky in its calm dispassionate consideration and description of possible actions resulting in the boy lying there.

*Check2* Favorite part:
Your descriptions, gentle even while describing the macabre, are rather haunting.

*Check2* Least favorite part:
It is a very disturbing piece.

*Check2* Characters:
Well-sketched.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
Beautifully done. Again, the contrast between the art and the evil. Haunting and disturbing.

*Check2* Plot:
Intriguing combinations, each of them plausible. Disturbingly realistic, similar to semi-recent news accounts.

*Check2* Style and Voice:
Very effective.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:
Excellent, no distractions noted.

*Check2* Suggestions:
Comment, rather than suggestion - do you also write non-dark items? You do a beautiful job, but this is not my preferred reading...

Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!


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14
Review of On Giving Reviews  Open in new Window.
Review by Yemel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello! I found your piece while browsing through WdC - not quite sure which link, but your blurb made me want to check out the piece itself. I am offering these comments in the spirit of constructive feedback from one "practicing" writer to another. Please consider their source and intent, and regard or disregard as you see fit! *Smile*

*ExclaimB* Overall impact/ impression:
Oh, this is a very helpful compilation of characteristics to look for and consider! The intro part about how to approach was itself not exactly unique on WdC, but still extremely helpful, especially putting it together with the more specific traits to incorporate into a review.

*Thumbsupl* Best portion/s:
Things to remember, because I need frequent reminders, along the lines of the circular spiral curriculum;
Aspects to consider (so, essentially your entire piece), because I have constructed a few Review Templates but found that a few more would be helpful (mine for Story didn't work so nicely for Poem, which didn't work so nicely for Essay). I have pasted your entire piece into a template, which I intend to use to create additional templates I might like, and to reconsider the ones I already have.

*Gears* Flow - sequence - argument - main idea & details:
Very nicely constructed and organized - thank you!

*Quill* Tone/ Style:
This was great - straightforward, matter-of-fact, neither too lofty nor condescending.

*Music1* Word choices:
Good.

*Music2* Grammar, Mechanics:
Excellent. No problems noted, and, as with Construction (above), this contributed greatly to the usefulness of the piece.

*Tools* Suggestions:
Not really suggestions, more in the way of additional comments/ musings:

I suppose there could be subcategories for stories and even the other types, making them more pertinent to various genres (horror, etc.), tho this is a great starting point, and the other would get very top-heavy.

Also, I can envision using your model to craft an additional form of 'peer review evaluation,' similar to one I have seen used in a high school class - the reader-reviewer needs to actually state the perceived thesis of a paper, for example, not just indicate yes/no was it evident. I am close to using one for myself, just to try to get a better handle on components of stories (deconstructing them to see if I can clarify for myself how the attributes do or do not appear in selected stellar pieces, in an effort to improve my own).

(Seems to me there are also as-yet quite vague 'magical' aspects to some writing!)

Thank you for writing and sharing your piece! Write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
15
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Review of Arizona  Open in new Window.
Review by Yemel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I found your story in the "By Online Authors" section of WdC. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

*Check2* Overall/ General Impression:
Hmmm, this is a very interesting piece!

*Check2* Characters:
A bit on the stereotyped side, but very enjoyable, and, in AZ's case, extremely well-done.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
Good enough - not much specific info, but the story suggests it well enough.

*Check2* Plot:
Nicely done. You effectively switch the 'upper hand' very early, and each character's actions from there are very consistent with what seems to be their 'character.' I do wish you'd been more specific with the details of what AZ knew about Edelson, though.

The situation does not quite seem completely original, but it is very well-written.
The ending is not as clear as I prefer - to whom does "his" refer ("his misdeeds"), AZ or Edelson?

What does it mean, "listening in to the thoughts..."? That presents an intriguing ability, but bordering on supernatural perhaps, neither of which were suggested elsewhere/ earlier in the story. Seems a strange time to bring in what seems to be a new element.

*Check2* Style and Voice:
Good. Nice contrast in styles between the 2 speakers.

*Check2* Dialog:
Good! See above.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:
Excellent, no major distractions noted.

*Check2* Suggestions:
See above. Also, mightn't Edelson have at least twitched a bit when AZ first said where he'd learned to play? Chomping down hard might have been that twitch, but then there is no indication in the next passages that E has even a vague suspicion of any connection.

Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review by Yemel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello! I found your piece while browsing WdC for pieces to read & review, and am offering these comments in the spirit of constructive feedback from one "practicing" writer to another. Please consider their source and intent, and regard or disregard as you see fit! *Smile*

*ExclaimB* Overall impact/ impression:
This brief piece has some power behind it!

*Thumbsupl* Best portion/s:
Setting


*Thumbsdownl* Least impressive portion/s:
You leave the reader to guess what 'the comment' is; will your piece be stronger or not if you include that specific?


*Gears* Flow - sequence - argument - main idea & details:
Good - intro hooks reader, you establish the setting and situation and problem in less than 3 lines! And then follow with a bit more detail. Then you have the mental turmoil and wind-down - with a streak of rebellion/ defiance in conclusion. Very nice. Excellent depiction of explosion of frustration and personal inner 're-grouping' (putting self back together).

*Quill* Tone/ Style:
This is excellent - your brevity and passion draw the reader into the experience.

*Music2* Grammar, Mechanics:
Could use a bit of editing, but does not impede effective image of event.

*Tools* Suggestions:
My only specific suggestion other than above, re: considering inclusion of comment (if possible), is --> please keep writing!!!!! Your voice is quite valuable. (I'm heading over to your portfolio momentarily!) *Delight*

Thank you for writing and sharing your piece! Write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
17
17
Review of Eddie  Open in new Window.
Review by Yemel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I found your story on Random Reviews. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

*Check2* Overall/ General Impression:
This is a very sweet story!!

*Check2* Favorite part:
needing to replace the board before painting! *Wink*

*Check2* Least favorite part:
I thought it ended too soon, too abruptly, relative to the rest of the story and the depth I was drawn in.

*Check2* Characters:
Good! Believable. The apparent sarcasm in the narrator's musings early on seems out of place, though; combined with the first sentence, he seems to be critical of the boy. There is not enough within the story to suggest a changing of attitude, yet clearly he is sympathetic, not critical, towards the young boy in the end, which makes me think I misunderstood the beginning.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
Not quite sure about it at first, but it resolves within the story (initially thought the workshop was not in narrator's house; no good reason, just an impression). Otherwise, quite good, easy to picture in my mind.

*Check2* Plot:
Nicely constructed

*Check2* Style and Voice:
Good.

*Check2* Dialog:
Excellent! Does a good job showing more about the characters.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:
Very nice - no stumbling blocks, very nicely written!

*Check2* Suggestions:
I like your story very much. I wonder if I am alone in my reactions to the beginning and ending of the story, or if the beginning might benefit from a slight clarification, and the ending - I don't know. It does wind the story up nicely - but did somehow feel a bit too abrupt, startling to find it was over!

Thank you for writing and sharing your story. Write On!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of The Books of Jim  Open in new Window.
Review by Yemel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Review Template WritingML: Story

I found your story on my favorites - I tend to browse through a number of titles and mark ones for later reading. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

*Check2* Overall/ General Impression:
My most lasting impression is that I am disappointed to find that it is a choose your ending selection!!!!! I was going to suggest that you continue with it,or ask what happens next - what do you mean, that's up to me?! *Wink*

*Check2* Favorite part:
I think my favorite part is the distress the character experiences when he has additional powers. That helps define him more for the reader. Wonder how much it also says about humans outside the pages...

*Check2* Least favorite part:
See first comment above! *Sad*

*Check2* Characters:
Good.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
Good, very readily pictured in my mind's eye.

*Check2* Plot:
Intriguing!

*Check2* Style and Voice:
A bit too 'other' for my own personal tastes, but very well done, mostly consistent, and definitely a style that suits the story.

*Check2* Dialog:
Good. The italics are very helpful in keeping spoken v. unspoken v. narration portions clear.

*Check2* Suggestions:
Needs a bit of proofreading - missing end quotes and possibly other very minor distractions.
Not clear what the bitterness of the water represents? I had thought it meant initially that the character's cup had been drugged, but that interpretation does not seem to fit at the end.

Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!


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19
Review of White Balloons  Open in new Window.
Review by Yemel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I found your story on "Reviewer Items" some time ago.

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

*Check2* Overall/ General Impression:
Wow! I was reading your piece, which had captured my attention, and gasped out loud when I got to the 6th stanza, indicating the deceased.

*Check2* Favorite part:
I like the imagery of the balloons - the umbrellas left so as to not burst, the sagging balloon & "Was that her brother?"

*Check2* Least favorite part:
The topic in general... so sad.

*Check2* Characters:
Drawn in few words - effectively done!

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
You have a nice way of describing the surroundings without seeming to describe the surroundings!

*Check2* Plot:
Ouch. Effective.

*Check2* Style and Voice:
Interesting respectful contemplative tone. Deceptively casual.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:
Good, no significant distractions.

Thank you for writing and sharing your piece! Write On!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
20
20
Review by Yemel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Overall Impression
Oh, funny!

Content
Clever puns, nice sequence!


Structure
Lends itself nicely to imagined read-aloud, and complements the content.


Suggestions
Might consider revising the stanzas for more consistent syllabication, then possibly put it to a folk-type tune!! *Delight* Can't you just picture a group of children singing this?!! Giggling all the while...


Summary
Very enjoyable! Thanks for writing it, and for sharing it!


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21
21
Review of Arachnids  Open in new Window.
Review by Yemel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I found your piece on the "I Write In June-July-August" page - well, actually in my email, in connection w/ that contest - I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

*Check2* Overall/ General Impression:
I enjoyed parts of this piece quite a bit! But I am also left somewhat hazy at its conclusion.

*Check2* Favorite part:
I very much enjoyed the general wittiness of this piece! Also, I thought at first it might have some connection to 'Aragog and family' from Harry Potter.

*Check2* Least favorite part:
I admit I got quite puzzled at the last stanza, and had to go over it several times to understand what you were saying there.

*Check2* Style and Voice/ Plot/ Rhythm/ Rhyme Scheme:
I am not sure what I think of the arrangement here. At first, despite the irregular beat, it seemed like this was meant to be read as a poem, which added to the humor, given the topic. But the syllabication and rhyme scheme are also irregular, and work against the easy development of a cadence or read-aloud rhythm. [This could be construed as intentional - as in, the very fright of it preventing anything about this piece from being 'easy' or 'enjoyable' - because the narrator is still too shaken by the experience.]

After rereading it several times, imagining it being read aloud, I decided that if I were reading it to, say, a class, I would probably read it as if telling a fairly scary dramatic story, rather than as if reciting or performing a poem, and would take advantage of the rhymes for added entertainment, and the unexpected rhythm to add to the twists and turns for the audience - they would likely be repeatedly caught off guard, as the cadence changes frequently.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:
Good, no major problems noted.


*Check2* Suggestions:
Even though I now think I generally understand what the last stanza is saying, I think a reader such as myself (less adept at reading poetry) might benefit from a bit of reworking of this past portion, to make it somehow less confusing.

Thank you for sharing your piece! Write On!


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22
22
Review of Sand Maze  Open in new Window.
Review by Yemel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I found your story on Newbies. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

*Check2* Overall/ General Impression:
Your piece drew me in - possibly because of your blurb? Some of the story was a bit difficult to read - it felt very crowded - but it was a good read despite this!

*Check2* Favorite part:
I do like "truth is stranger than fiction.... thin line..."
I also like the acknowledgement that some local people were upset at what they saw as disrespect.

*Check2* Least favorite part:
Hmmm - I think I am still confused/ disappointed at the truth/ fiction aspect of the story...

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
Good! I could easily picture enough of the setting in my mind, and you kept it consistent.

*Check2* Plot:
Interesting "take" on the idea of curses attached to mummies' graves/ pyramids. One note - plants would not be able to grow inside a closed-up pyramid, so this part seemed a bit too much.

*Check2* Style and Voice:
Very consistent throughout your story - good!

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:
Generally good, a few minor edits would be useful.

*Check2* Suggestions:
I was hooked on the story, I think because of its setting and dealing with archeology; it reminded me a bit of "Indiana Jones" movies. I wonder if it would be even more enticing if there was more information about the characters, or at least one or two of them. I cared about what happened in the story, but did not feel particularly concerned about any of the characters. That might be just me, tho - I encourage you to get other opinions!!!


Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!


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23
23
Review by Yemel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Review Template WritingML: Story

I found your story while cruising WdC for some good reads to review. Yours made me laugh *Laugh* , so thank you!!

*Check2* Overall/ General Impression:
This is a witty, enjoyable piece, though a bit difficult to follow in places.

*Check2* Favorite part:
Ass-burgers and mashfryitis; drive his pickup into the pond; searoaches; picture at top of story

*Check2* Least favorite part:
Zuska-Atkins - had never heard of this one and so was much more difficult to follow the humor here, thought the whole storyline had gotten derailed here (until I went back and realized that it is entirely consistent with the story!! - So - nicely done, but not as accessible to the reader).

*Check2* Characters:
Nice choice of names! Consistent description of Uncle Buck *Smile*

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
Minimal, but effective - interesting way of depicting setting, almost exclusively by the people involved!

*Check2* Plot:
Great idea!

*Check2* Style and Voice:
Pretty consistent - perhaps a bit overdone with respect to the narrator - those portions might benefit from some editing to clear up the punctuation in particular, and to perhaps tone down the run-on effect (it seems to be an intentional part of portrayal of narrator, but might be a bit too much).

*Check2* Dialog:
Very effective! See above re: punctuation etc.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:
See above - otherwise, good, does not get in the way of the story.

*Check2* Suggestions:
Very enjoyable! Consider cleaning this piece up a bit - including the ?note to self? re: two car garage - ?? - I am curious to see whether you have other items that might go with this as a set? It would go well with a few other similar-type pieces, using the plays on words, with or without the medical school connection - seems you could go to town with this, if you haven't already done so! (Have marked your portfolio to check into it a bit later *Smile* )

Thank you for sharing your story!! Write On!


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24
24
Review of Champ  Open in new Window.
Review by Yemel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I found your story via Random Reviews. I am amazed by it - I very much enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

*Check2* Overall/ General Impression:
Wow! Draws the reader in immediately. 'The blood ... dry ... concrete craved it ... cactus ... We just knew it.' Strong words, powerful images.


*Check2* Favorite part:
Hard to say - see above; also '... not sure any of us really knew Champ ... didn't know Champ.' Also - the verses were effective. (And I had been jumping past poetry selections until I got to your story!)

*Check2* Least favorite part:
I suppose the several parts where I had to reread and puzzle over the phrasing, not following it the first time around.

*Check2* Characters:
Nicely done! I could easily imagine the interactions.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
Very effective. Very easy to imagine, yet looking back, seems this could have taken place anywhere.

*Check2* Plot:
Moves quickly along - beautiful!

*Check2* Style and Voice:
Particularly effective for the story you are telling. The sentences keep coming, one after the other. 'I wanted to throw something. Instead, ... me.' Nice! Briskly gives reader a sense of the character's shifting inner ground.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:
Overall, excellent. Not many distractions, but there are several places where it gets a bit confusing:
'... to do special tutoring ...' - as tutor or as learner? Either would work, but differently; this one was place where I wavered back and forth and then let it go, moving on with the story;
'I grabbed up jacket and hoodie to leave. ...' This whole paragraph was somewhat confusing, less smoothly written than most of the rest of your story.
' ... as far as I knew ... soon.' That seems to be a bit strong, contradicting the earlier 'He wasn't expected to live,' and his seemingly precarious condition in the hospital. (?)

*Check2* Suggestions:
This is an awesome piece, in my opinion!! Get a few more reviews & opinions of where it might benefit from clarification. (Then consider publication to a wider audience - Saddleback Publishing in particular comes to mind. Your readers will hope for more stories as well.)

Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!


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25
25
Review by Yemel Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Review Template WritingML: Story

I'm sorry, I do not remember quite how I found your story!! I had it marked as a favorite to come back and read, and read it this evening. I very muh enjoyed reading it! Hope you find this feedback useful - if not - ignore!!.

*Check2* Overall/ General Impression:
Oh, splendid! An excellent read, thanks for posting the story!!! I'm pretty sure I had read the first few paragraphs previously, when I did not have time to read it completely.

*Check2* Favorite part:
Not sure! I do like that they were 'all good guys.'

*Check2* Least favorite part:
The speaking style of the detective; it is both one of the things that drew me to the story, as I thought I recognized it, and which I also found off-putting, as it seems it has 'been done before.' You carried it off quite well, tho!!

*Check2* Characters:
Good -

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
All of them work very well, fitting with the story - or the story fitting with them!

*Check2* Plot:
Ah, now here you got me. Am sending a separate email about this.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:
No distractions - nice!

*Check2* Suggestions:
Ahh - see separate email, if I may be so bold!

Thank you for sharing your story. It is a terrific read. I was highly annoyed (impatient to continue) when my computer froze partway through!!!


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