Nice. While there is a certain tension in the plot, you and the nun seem to be able to connect despite the portrayed differences.
I felt a little shortchanged by the length of this article though. Perhaps you can elaborate on the initial differences between yourself and Sr. Carola.
"She came with the full regalia"- maybe you could go into a few more details, like how wide eyes you were, or how you haven't seen such elaborate paraphenalia.
Mother's character could be given more depth too- that would be very interesting. I think elaboration of her anti-catholic mindset might put the story in better context.
Despite being a little shortchanged, I had enjoyed reading this story. It's a wonderful feel-good tale. Do keep writing!
Your friend purchased this review from an auction as a gift to you, with the
message "Merry Christmas",
First impressions- half way through reading it:
I'm not familiar with both the Church and Halloween, thus i can't remark much about the content.
No grammar nor spelling problems detected.
I found narration style a bit too informal.
What held my attention (and made me read on):
Cynthia, and her special gift.
First impressions- end of first reading:
I'm not sure what to make of it. I presume there indeed were cases of poisoning during Halloween, and you wrote your story around one such incident.
After taking a close look:
I thought the ideas presented in the paragraph "Because I’ll have a guardian angel by my side..." were not ordered optimally. Reading through it, i was puzzled for a bit before seeing the answers. "...to grab what I assumed was the special candy..."- i found the phrase in bold misleading. I was expecting that upon pouring the contents of the bag, there would be something non-candy.
The following are extracted from a guide list in "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor -
Overall, the characters were believable, but I felt a little more could be added.
Overall, the story glided, but at times stumbled.
The dialogue is excellent.
What I liked:
It seemed that my denunciation of them had only piqued her curiosity and made her all the more eager to add her thoughts to the great debate." - i thought this was a wonderful observation, expressed beautifully. “Okay, hold my hand,” I told her as we prepared to cross the street.
What I disliked:
nothing in particular
My sugestions:
She was the type of kid who was so adorable that you couldn’t help but smile along with her." - i think this sentence is not very convincing. Perhaps you could instead describe how Amy smiled and then your readers will smile with her. Not easy, i know. "As I returned, she was ripping open the new wrappers and devouring their contents." - this created the impression that Amy was shovelling the candy into her mouth in an uncivillised manner. The words ripping and devouring conjure an image of hurry and haste. And that they were put one after the other. Perhaps try something like "...she had already opened the wrapper of a mini Snikers bar and was contentedly munching on the candy." ? “My tummy really hurts,” Amy stated. - maybe you can better illustrate the magnitude of the problem by telling us Amy's facial expression, posture or other details? "...and even distributed the tainted treat to four other children as well." - i am not sure, but i think this sentence has some redundency in "even" and "as well".
These are merely my ideas. Please do give it a thought if its of any use at all before taking action. They are nowhere being near hard and fast rules.
Regards,
Yee Wei.
If you want a similar review on your stories/essays, I'll happily do it (within time constraints). Do drop me a message.
Do drop by at:
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #906459 by Not Available.
YOur item description caught my attention. Got my curiosity up, and now i want to see what's so special about your story.
First impressions- half way through reading it:
Have i read your works before? There was a very familiar paragraph "Farnor had always believed human ignorance to be a defensive mechanism..." we'll see later if i get 50 GPs for reviewing someone new
Your promise of this not being "the same old vampire story" is holding up very well!
Excellent narration, mostly clear and no room for doubt.
I had a bit of initial confusion with the characters :Farnor and Paenor... is it possible to change names?
What held my attention (and made me read on):
There are losts of interesting jewels of ideas within the story constantly being revealed.
I've paused reading at tha part about God and Devil to write this. I'm waiting to go back to that.
First impressions- end of first reading:
I'm impressed.
Original storyline.
Narration a little complicated, but probably can't be helped due to the nature of the story.
After taking a close look:
THere are some spelling/typing errors around.
A well thought out story.
The following are extracted from a guide list in "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor -
The characters were believable
Overall, the story glided, but at times stumbled.
Excellent plot, author has done their research.
The dialogue is excellent.
What impressed me:
The setting of the story in the rise of the Ottoman Empire (i presume), and you have got a very good general atmosphere set for the time.
What I liked:
Character development. Little cues like an expression here or a gesture there added a lot to the character's depth. Good.
What I disliked:
Basically spelling and typign errors. They are teething problems and should clear up after a few more reviews.
The name confusion between Farnor and Paenor.
My sugestions:
"the leader of the infidel sat..." - plural on infidel? "Farnor’s gaze could make a whole in a wall yet the human met it stoutly." - hole "But beware of His gratitude less..." - lest
I found this sentence difficult to read- "Farnor paused and stared at his finely decorated with rubies goblet." How about "...finely decorated ruby and silver goblet."?
These are merely my ideas. Please do give it a thought if its of any use at all before taking action. They are nowhere being near hard and fast rules.
In summary:
I loved it. Spellbinding and made me stunned and speechless. Not literally, for i dont talk when i type...but you get the idea. Although there are slight problems with spelling and such, i think they are minuscle problems compared to the story in general. 5 stars then. But do clean them up soon to justify this fiver.
Regards,
Yee Wei.
If you want a similar review on your stories/essays, I'll happily do it (within time constraints). Do drop me a message.
By looking at a list of short stories on writing.com, sorted by least viewed first.
First impressions- half way through reading it:
Initially, i was slightly puzzled. Who is the protagonist? Why is she sad? Gradually, it starts to make sense.
Narration smooth and clear.
Did not notice any grammar or spelling errors.
What held my attention (and made me read on):
I want to know what till happen to Hattie.
How will her relationship with ViVien be like?
First impressions- end of first reading:
That was a surprisingly touching tale. Really did not expect a story with such characters to do that to me
Very well written tale.
An uplifting story.
After taking a close look:
"...the queen of all the rest of her new family." - i found this odd. Not sure what might be causing it though. "This time there were porcelain tears shed in sadness, but there were tears of joy." - a contradiction? "Queen Hattie adored by all." - this sentence doesn't feel right.
First portion was in first person view, but everything else are 3rd person. I did not notice the transition when reading, so I'm neutral on this matter.
The following are extracted from a guide list in "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor -
The characters were believable
Overall, the story glided, but at times stumbled
Excellent plot, author has done their research
The dialogue is excellent
What impressed me:
Your presentation of the story.
What I liked:
Point of view.
What I disliked:
Nothing in particular.
My sugestions:
"new additions to our family, andvery chair was taken." - and every. "The attention lavished on Hattie by the little girl, filled Hattie with that same warm feeling she'd had so many years before" - does not need comma.
I saw some commas and I'm not sure if they need to exist. Maybe you want to go through the story inspecting the commas?
There are some unexpected line breaks in sentences.
These are merely my ideas. Please do give it a thought if its of any use at all before taking action. They are nowhere being near hard and fast rules.
In summary:
In general, I found this story a well written one. Slight bugs with the story, nothing serious though. Nothing to worry about, its a brand new story anyway. A bit of reviews and edits and it'll be excellent.
Regards,
Yee Wei.
If you want a similar review on your stories/essays, I'll happily do it (within time constraints). Do drop me a message.
Do drop by at:
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #906459 by Not Available.
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