You asked that I review one of your stories. I chose “An Educated Housewife” because I don’t often see Indian characters on this site.
Women in America have progressed so much in the last century, especially in my lifetime. I think a lot of us in this country – both men and women – have no idea what life is like for those living in other, less progressive parts of the world. It’s hard to imagine someone with an advanced degree not using their education in a career outside the home. Not that there’s anything wrong with devoting one’s life to maintaining a home and raising children. Sakshi, though, seems to have had interests outside the home. Unfortunately, her family didn’t share her aspirations. It’s particularly harsh that her own son has little respect for her advice. I like that you show the discouragement she receives throughout her lifetime – first from her mother, then from her husband and finally from her young son. I think you effectively portray Sakshi’s dissatisfaction with her life; I can feel it, and end up empathizing with her. That’s the mark of good characterization.
In the beginning of the story, Sakshi is living with her parents discussing her future with her mother. She goes on to graduate-school, gets her masters in education then her master of arts. After that, she gets married, has three children and raises them until they each go on to live lives on their own. This is a lot to cover in a short story, but the progression of time is natural and never seems rushed.
It’s an interesting story you’ve written. Write on.
The protagonist seemed a little sketchy; I wanted to connect with him more. Also, I thought the description of Miss Grange was a bit long-winded.
Excellent use of sensory queues pulled me into the story, creating an immersive experience. The unique, disturbing imagery was, at times, shocking without being overdone.
I was confused in the opening. On my first read-through, the girl’s entrails seemed to have a mind of their own, jerking free of her body and stretching around the corner like some kind of hellish snake. On my second go-round, I wasn’t sure if that was the author’s intent. Either way it still seems to work, fitting right in with the consistently eerie mood of the story.
Although it may be considered – well, you know – a matter of style, I – uh – feel the dash was – let’s say – a little overused. Not a horrible sin but distracting.
I don't usually enjoy the horror genre, but I appreciated the artistry of this piece.
For the sake of clarity, I recommend writing out “narcotics anonymous” instead of using its abbreviation. Also, in this case for the sake of consistency, why not have Donnie promise to meet her at a narcotics anonymous meeting the next day instead of an AA meeting?
In a story of less than a thousand words, I believe there should be less exposition and more dialogue and action. We spend a lot of time in the head of the lead character. It reads more like the recounting of an anecdote than a story.
I don’t feel it’s necessary to know as much about Donnie’s background. The theme of the story is about synchronicity and how others can act as mirrors sometimes warning us about the path we’re headed down. I think staying focused on that theme and avoiding tangent exposition will give the story more balance.
Toward the end of the story we find out the lead character has slipped and begun lying to herself about her own addictive behavior. It might help us to learn this in the beginning. Show the scene where she and her friend have that one drink. Maybe her friend expresses concern or, even better, encourages her to live a little for God’s sake.
At times, the story is a little preachy. For example:
“We live in a tragic world and there is grace all around us. Just learn to attend to the grace.”
No big deal, but I think this falls in the category of authorial intrusion. The sentiment is a good one and should be left in, but make it clear the character is expressing the sentiment and not the author. A possible revision:
That day with Donnie taught me we live in a tragic world and there is grace all around us. I just need to learn to attend to the grace.
This is an intriguing subject matter. I enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing. Write on.
This piece is missing a key element in any story: a plot. By itself, it is a slice of life or a good beginning to a continuing story.
The story also lacks tension; There was little to pull me in, forcing me to read to the end.
The setting was done very well, which suggests a capable author.
It’s not clear what is going on. It seems as though the protagonist is reminiscing about the past, and then there’s the comment about the picture that shows the family before it became a family. If he’s actually looking in to the future, make that more explicit somewhere in the story.
Good work. If the story is revised, I would like to revisit it. Write on for God’s sake; write on.
This story makes me think of a very big word I learned in college: Anthropomorphism. If you don’t already know it, look it up. This piece is a perfect example of it.
How’s this for a hook: “I heard my brethren scream and beg before the sound of their bursting abdomens weakened our souls again.” Very effective, no?
Characterization is done well. I mourn the death of young Denk, and admire the courage Guardian shows in the final scene. In short, I care about these characters.
I wonder if this story might be improved if it was written in first-person present-tense rather than first-person past-tense. It was kind of odd when the protagonist died at the end of the story he was recounting.
I feel if I were an entomologist, I would have figured out what type of insects were in the story. Perhaps, more clues are needed for the average reader to get the satisfaction of figuring it out.
Any other POV would have been a mistake. It was great to be in the mind of a loser (That‘s been me more than I‘d like to admit.)
Could there have been anymore tension? Wow, tension is a hard story-element to do well. And, well, you’ve done it well. Well anyway, overall, clarity was good. I thought the head-to-toe description of the woman was a little much. Even though the opening had me hooked I really had to labor through the over -description. Suggest what she looks like; I’ll fill in the blanks.
You’ve given an excellent example of an anti-resolution. No “And they lived happily ever afters” here. Nope, the guy doesn’t get the girl, but that’s not the point. There is an underlying theme here: You can either except the possibility of rejection and eventually succeed, or you can except failure and learn to live without the “spoils” of victory. Your protagonist makes his choice.
A befriended imaginary boogieman/friend becomes an imaginary protector, then, an imaginary avenger.
I have a degree in psychology, and, have been told, a talent for diagnostics (identifying the cause of both normal and abnormal behavior). About halfway through the story I suspected: 1.) the author exhibited symptoms of disassociative-identity disorder (otherwise known as multiple-personality disorder), and 2.) The author was writing a story from his personal experience; unaware of its implications.
I haven't decided whether or not I was right or wrong.
In any event, it is a well written story and should be read by anyone interested in learning how to write well. The imagery is of professional quality. Unfortunately, I think my particular knowledge ruined the ending for me; I knew either the character or the author was crazy, and there was no "monster." I suspect the "monster" is/was an alternate identity created to deal with the abuse of the alcoholic father.
There are two possibilities. First, the author is knowledgeable of psychology, and is able to write a psychological thriller based on that knowledge. Second, through intense psycho-therapy, the author has gained insight on his condition and written a story from personal knowledge.
Thank you, and goodnight.
(Ever think some people just like to hear themselves write?)
Holy cow. Now, that's poetry. I may not remember every word, but the emotion will stay with me.
Isn't writing a pleasure? Congratulations. Good work.
Divorce really sucks -- truer words have never been spoken. With a few changes, this could easily be a poem about someone who feels they have died too soon, and from the grave they ask God to breathe new life in them. But divorce may be worse than death: To loose someone you love so deeply, and know they are only a phone call away. Maybe hearts still beat, but something has died.
Now isn't that clever. What an inspirational little poem. It's visually appealing, too. There needs to be more depth of emotion. Let me feel you sadness about the world’s evil turn. Make a more powerful appeal to me to make the right choice. I understand what you’re saying, but I need feel what you're feeling. Good work. Keep it up.
As a writer male writer, I struggle with the problem of writing authentic female characters. A poem like this helps me see what can't be seen from the outside. Beyond punctuation and spelling, how can you review poetry? Are you going to tell the author they didn't express their emotions correctly? I don't know. I'm sorry if this is a useless review, but I've made a commitment to review whatever I read. Good stuff. Keep it coming.
Seems like fear determines more of our behavior than desire; shouldn't be that way. A couple things I noticed:
1. Fear is always hide. Chang to: Fear is always hiding.
2. Hard to cotain it runs. Change to: Hard to contain, it runs. Good stuff. 100 GPs to you.
Wow. The horrors of anorexia nervosa. Represented so well here. Gory, but is it any worse than starving yourself to death? I hope you or someone you love doesn’t suffer from this disorder. The sad thing is many healthy women suffer these same feelings, fortunately to a lesser degree. Good stuff.
Love it. Reading poems like these reminds me I have a lot to learn about writing poetry. Good work. Glad you liked my "butterfly" poem. There's no greater complement than to hear your work has inspired someone to write. Incidentally, the poem was about my ex-wife -- after our separation.
Well, personally, I'm a cat lover. Great idea. Well written. Had to read it twice to look for clues I may have missed. Enjoyed it more the second time. Hard to suggest any revisions, but here goes: After reading the first couple of paragraphs; I though, oh no, some kid is writing another space "thriller." The word "Hackneyed" came to mind. In need of GPs, I trudged on and found an ingenious twist. Improve the hook, and give the opening the intelligence of the resolution. Haven't been fooled like that since the movie "The Sixth Sense." Live long and prosper.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/zmanl28
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 10:45pm on Nov 21, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
