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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/zombeeluv
Review Requests: ON
90 Public Reviews Given
90 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Please do not ask me to review your item if you do not want an honest response. I tend to be blunt, but if I can't say anything nice or don't understand your piece, I won't review it. I believe in the peanut butter sardine sandwich approach to critiquing work...something good, something bad, more good.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, Urban Fantasy, Sci-Fi
I will not review...
I will not review works with excessive grammatical and/or spelling errors.
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 ... Next
1
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Review by ZombeeLuv Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi,

What an interesting piece. The character descriptions feel very similar to Lewis Carroll or Terry Pratchett --full of a lot of whimsy. Your word usage is very good, it’s hard to find pieces with segue and moniker.

I didn’t notice any grammatical errors or wording issues that I would change.
To me the piece is mostly an introduction, I kind of wish that there had been an incident or example in the prose. But it is very good as written.

Write On!

ZombeeLuv
2
2
Review of God Only Knows  Open in new Window.
Review by ZombeeLuv Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Wow!

I rarely read a story that get me choked up like this one did.

I really liked the descriptions you gave and your character development!

My only critique is that I feel the story could have been made that half star better by adding a few additional sensory description. Its such a small critique but everything was just so good!

Thank you for sharing such an impactful story and putting light on such a sensitive topic in a graceful way.

Write On!

ZombeeLuv
3
3
Review of The Lost Hours  Open in new Window.
Review by ZombeeLuv Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

I love stories where I learn new obscure facts! Thank you for the information at the end of your story.

Oh my what a comedy of errors. Nothing like thinking you are on time and finding out you are late to ruin your day. -- Great premise.

I really liked the details about the hotel like checking it with a black light, it was a nice touch.

My only nitpick (see what I did there...LOL) is that to me it would read a little bit better if you put the dialogue before the action in the third paragraph.

Great Job!
Write On,

ZombeeLuv
4
4
Review of My Home  Open in new Window.
Review by ZombeeLuv Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

This is my review of "My Home" Open in new Window., please realize that I am not an expert and that this a cumulation of my experience, education, and preference. That said, you did it, you wrote something and put it out there for others to read, that is the most important part! Now, here is what I think of it.

Premise: This seems to be a poem about home. It discusses the contrast between a idealic country home and the city.

Thoughts: Your descriptions are very good. Your words draw scenes that pulls in sights, sounds, and smells.

Technical Stuffs: Technically, there is nothing wrong with this poem. It is well written and flows well. For flow, I recommend removing the two instances of its. To me, those lines read better without the additional word.

Overall: I like this poem. It is fairly simple but carries a lot of visualization with it. Excellent job!

Warmest regards,

ZombeeLuv
aka C. L. Hammer
5
5
Review of Blind Justice  Open in new Window.
Review by ZombeeLuv Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I'm giving you four stars because, you had a 1,000 word limit and you only used half. I get it, I do it too. But honestly, there were descriptors that could have been added.

good news: This was a complete story that was really interesting. I would have love to have known how they all came to the same conclusion just by accident. I loved your descriptions and everything pulled me in.

bad news: there wasn't enough you could have easily carried out more conversation.

All and all...I love it. It was really good.
6
6
Review by ZombeeLuv Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Jellyfish Author Icon,

I am reviewing your piece "When The Lights Go Out" Open in new Window. for "I Write in August-September-October" Open in new Window..

I really enjoyed this piece. You did an excellent job of creating an eerie feeling without defining what it was the reader was supposed to be cautious about.

I didn't see any spelling or grammatical errors.

Excellent Job!!
7
7
Review of Life on Mars  Open in new Window.
Review by ZombeeLuv Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi Prosperous Snow celebrating Author Icon,

I am reviewing your work "Life on Mars" Open in new Window. for "I Write in August-September-October" Open in new Window..

Writing a story in a hundred words or less is quite a feat. Excellent job. Your story reminds me of The Martian. I really enjoyed the fact that you evoked so many senses.

One small suggestion, chemical induced nightmare - I think you mean chemically.

You did a superb job using the prompt.

Peace,
Zombeeluv
8
8
Review of Gymnastics  Open in new Window.
Review by ZombeeLuv Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Prosperous Snow celebrating Author Icon,

I am reviewing your poem for "I Write in August-September-October" Open in new Window..

This was a really fun poem which definitely captured the spirit of gymnastics.
There are two small tweaks I would like to suggest: instead of 'the parallel or uneven bars' - bars, parallel or uneven, and Individuals instead of Individual (because there are lots of gymnasts and they are all in peak condition).
I especially like this line: 'Names that will echo through the aeons' after all who doesn't remember Mary Lou Retton -- but frankly after watching Simone Biles and hearing her story, what a role model for young women everywhere.
Good Job! and good luck in the contest.
Peace,
Zombeeluv


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
9
9
Review of The Hollow Keys  Open in new Window.
Review by ZombeeLuv Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Early Author Icon,

I just finished reading the story you asked me to review {item: 1824064} and I would like to offer you the following review. Please note that this review is a culmination of my opinion and what knowledge I have. It is meant in the spirit of assistance and appreciation only. Please feel free to use what you deem useful and ignore the rest.

*Beakerp* FIRST IMPRESSIONS
This is a lovely dark piece. It almost has an early Stephen King feel to, where you are taking an ordinary circumstance and making it the stuff of nightmares.

*Beakerr* STORY STRENGTHS
Your descriptions were really good and helped set your scenery. This sentence was especially impressive -- “The monastery perched, like a bird of prey, waiting for a mouse to creep up.”

*Beakery* GRAMMATICAL/SPELLING
There was no grammatical or spelling errors.

*Beakerb* SUGGESTIONS
I have a couple of suggestions, but on the whole, this is a really well-written story.
Paragraph 2: maybe replace they had with they’d.
Paragraph 4: I would remove holes from the last sentence.
Paragraph 8: You wrote that he pressed his hand into the damp rock wall – although it is acceptable, it really isn’t correct. Maybe…he pressed his hand against the damp rock wall.
Between Paragraphs 15 & 16: I think there should be some sort of response from Lief – even if it is only him blushing and being unable to speak.
Paragraph 18: It is pretty clear that this is a thought from Lief, but I think it would have more impact is you framed it…for example – You’re my muse. How could anything else ever compare? Lief thought frantically, still unable to speak to the angelic woman.
Paragraph 31: In my opinion, you should use this paragraph to pull the reader in more. For example: “Then,” she sighed, her breath caressing his cheek and her eyes searching his, “you must…. To me, bits like this pull the reader into the story and give you information on what the characters are doing.


*Beakero* OVERALL IMPRESSION
I really liked this story. It was a well written, unique horror story and honestly I think you could take the premise of it and create a much long piece if you desired to do so.
Excellent job!

Thank you for sharing your work!
Write On!!


Wonderful Signature created by Ohsoquiet
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Review by ZombeeLuv Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi BD Mitchell Author Icon,

This was a really interesting story. I liked the feel and pace. This phrase ... "Mortal dread aside, he was having a grand old time." was particularly funny. I love dry humor.

There were a couple of small things --

In the sentence :"The front gate had certainly been more decapitory than one likes to see in an entryway."
I think that you meant - ...than one liked to see... To me, it reads better to keep the sentence all in the same tense.

This phrase " locked out of my own house. And if I were a bypass, I would probably be... here!"" feels like it needs to be broken up with something like "probably be..." I felt along the wall. "Here!" Adding a little descriptor of what the character is doing will help give some depth to your great dialog.

My only other nit-picky thing is that having Captain Haven switch back and forth between two languages without giving any clue as to what he is saying is frustrating to me as a reader. I would like to know what he's saying without having to open up an instance of Google translator.

I liked your descriptions a lot and you put a lot of action in a short amount of space which kept the story moving at a quick pace.

All and all good job.

Zombeeluv


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review by ZombeeLuv Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
A good start, very dramatic. I look forward to reading more.

One typo...'she saw her daddy shook his head and walk away'...shook should be shake.
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Review of Everyone Was Dead  Open in new Window.
Review by ZombeeLuv Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi june401 Author Icon,

I just finished reading your story which I found under the LGBT genre, "Everyone Was Dead" Open in new Window. and I would like to offer you the following review. Please note that this review is a culmination of my opinion and what knowledge I have. It is meant in the spirit of assistance and appreciation only. Please feel free to use what you deem useful and ignore the rest.

*Beakerp* FIRST IMPRESSIONS
This feels like a spoken word. I love the message in this piece and really hope that you meant speculative as well as literal ghosts. Since with poetry the meaning is often in the eyes of the reader, I feel that the ghosts are the barriers that keep us from being the person we could be. Which to me gives the line "You told me that our kissing was a way for them to see the light..." so much power.

*Beakerb* SUGGESTIONS
As a spoken word piece I have no suggestions. As standard poetry....it would need some work to fall into any of the standard poetry forms.


*Beakero* OVERALL IMPRESSION
I really like the message behind this and your words gave the simple act of kissing so much meaning. Excellent job!!


Thank you for sharing your work!
Write On!!

Wonderful Signature created by Ohsoquiet
13
13
Review of The 19th Green  Open in new Window.
Review by ZombeeLuv Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Donkey Hoetay Author Icon,

I just finished reading your story which you submitted to me for review, "The 19th Green" Open in new Window. and I would like to offer you the following review. Please note that this review is a culmination of my opinion and what knowledge I have. It is meant in the spirit of assistance and appreciation only. Please feel free to use what you deem useful and ignore the rest.

*Beakerr* STORY STRENGTHS
This story is really interesting and I definitely didn’t see the twist. I do appreciate how you built up to the outcome, dropping more and more hints as the story progresses

*Beakery* GRAMMATICAL/SPELLING
“…As long as you're there in spirit, I guess it's okay," said Danny thoughtfully. – Should be its, no apostrophe.

"Danny! Danieeeeeeeeee! wait, come back. Chuck will talk to you now. He's not too pissed. Danny!" shouted Mike. – I would go ahead and capitalize wait because exclamation points are sentence enders.


*Beakerb* SUGGESTIONS
I feel like there are a few elements that could be improved on, for example Danny just disappearing and then the one line at the end of the story, didn’t really make sense to me.

*Beakero* OVERALL IMPRESSION
Excellent job creating an interesting tale with unexpected twists.


Thank you for sharing your work!
Write On!!

Wonderful Signature created by Ohsoquiet
14
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Review by ZombeeLuv Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Than Pence Author Icon,

I just finished reading your story which I found "Action/Adventure Newsletter (April 29, 2015)" Open in new Window., "Sir Friday the 13th" Open in new Window. and I would like to offer you the following review. Please note that this review is a culmination of my opinion and what knowledge I have. It is meant in the spirit of assistance and appreciation only. Please feel free to use what you deem useful and ignore the rest.

*Beakerp* FIRST IMPRESSIONS
This was the best read I have read this year. It felt like a combination between Abbot and Costello and a fairytale, and had me actually laughing out loud. Excellent Job!!!

*Beakerr* STORY STRENGTHS
The banter between Sir Story and Friday, the 13th was priceless.
Story asked, “Is that…?”

“My Rabbit’s foot, yeah.” Fur was falling off the foot even as he moved it.

“Sir, that looks like a cat’s foot. A black cat foot.”

“Rabbit was me kitty. I loved him so.”
I could totally picture the young knight standing in front of the lord explaining this. So well done.


*Beakery* GRAMMATICAL/SPELLING
There were no spelling errors.

It looks like there are a couple of places where you may have missed a comma. For example: “Your mum? Your mum named… Friday the 12th?”



*Beakerb* SUGGESTIONS
So my suggestion is completely a self serving one. If the contest this was written for is over, I would love for you to fill this story out more. Not to novel length, but to add more details -- for example: what each character is doing during the conversation and perhaps more details fluffing out the scene.


*Beakero* OVERALL IMPRESSION
This was such a fun wonderful piece. It was simply a pleasure to read and enjoy. The humor was consistent and not over done, but definitely laugh out loud funny.

Thank you for sharing your work!
Write On!!

Zombie Signature for PDG


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of Annie  Open in new Window.
Review by ZombeeLuv Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (1.0)
Hi carlton607 Author Icon,

I just finished reading your story which I found Lesson 2 - Exercise 2, "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. and I would like to offer you the following review.

*Beakerp* SUMMARY
An ill girl is given a scare right before she dies.


*Beakerr* STORY STRENGTHS
I feel that the concept for your story could be very interesting. With a little work you could have an excellent piece.


*Beakery* SPELLING
Wailingly – This isn’t a word. Also to sob and wail are almost opposites of each other, you can’t really do them both at the same time. I suggest changing the phrase.
Weaked – I believe you mean weakened.
Soleful – soulful
Drole – I am not sure what word you were going for here. Droll means amusing and doleful means sorrowful. Since you are talking about a dogs eyes, either could work.
Mut – Mutt
Pieceful – Peaceful

Be careful of homonyms, it is so easy to confuse words that sounds similar. They are super easy to confuse and everyone mixes up words once in a while. I am notoriously guilty of this myself. Here are some examples of the ones that I found in your piece.

peace – piece
it’s – its (check this one by seeing if the sentence still works when you say it is)
waste – waist
sole – soul
passed - past


*Beakerb* SUGGESTIONS
When building a story, it is important to understand that you are painting a picture with words for your reader. Word choices, phrasing, and the flow of our stories, help our readers see the scenes we are trying to create for them.

Read your story out loud as written. This isn’t as easy as it sounds and can be a huge help if done correctly. It will help you with run-on sentences, fragment sentences, flow and repetition errors.

An example of this is in the second paragraph of this story: “Annie was frail. (fgmt) But she screamed out loud in that dark and storm. She was not that old and her hair was blonde turning brown and her waste was small. (Excessive repetition) Annie worried about something. (Vagueness) Her dog barked. Then suddenly her room was brightened by clashes of lightening that bit into her sole in a way that deeply gnawed at her and sobbed wailingly, the teardrops moistening her rosy cheeks and she worried about that time from long ago when it had happened. (run-on sentence)”

This would read better as something like… ”Jolted awake, Annie screamed as her room was illuminated by flashes of lightening. The clap of thunder caused her dog to bark and she bit into her hand hoping that the storm was the source of her worry. Pulling on the blondish-brown braid which hung to her youthful waist, she didn’t bother with the teardrops moistening her flush cheeks as she remembered another night long ago.”

By showing not telling, you can paint a more accurate picture for your reader. And by keeping your word choices consistent with the scene, you allow your reader to stay in the frame of mind you are trying to create…rosy, brightened are optimistic words that paint happy pictures. In this story, flushed which gives images of fever and sickness, and illuminated which is almost clinical are better choices. By no means are they the only options. I frequently open up a thesaurus and use it for any questionable areas when I am at the “read-it-out loud” part of my editing.

Try to limit the use of the word “it”. It always stands for something and using the word that “it” stands for is a better practice, especially when you are talking about incidences.

Don’t bring up stuff from the past, unless you are going to explain it.

“Outside her house she knew someone was trying to hide in the bushes and she sat up in bed in a panic (tense – panicked) state and worried.” – Is this part of her flash back or is there really someone there?

“Later that morning Annie died and Buster barked sadly at her.” You should always pay as much attention to the end of your story as the beginning. I am sure more happened than she died…how did she die, what happened, you made her better in the story but now she is dead?

*Beakero* OVERALL IMPRESSION
I feel that you had a wonderful vision for your story however you let what you were imagining get ahead of what you were writing. With just a little work I feel you will have an excellent piece.

Thank you for sharing your work!
Write On!!

Zombie Signature for PDG
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Review by ZombeeLuv Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi P.J.Gray Author Icon },

I just finished reading your story which I found on the Request a Review page, "The Ghost of Shangradi" Open in new Window. and I would like to offer you the following review.

*Beakerp* SUMMARY
A man goes into an ancient mysterious tomb.


*Beakerr* STORY STRENGTHS
I love the idea of this story. I am a complete sucker for ghost stories. You have a really great concept and I feel with a bit of tweaking it would make an excellent story.


*Beakery* GRAMMATICAL/SPELLING
There were some grammatical and spelling errors in this piece.

*Burstbl* “There was a faint sound seeming to be coming form deep inside the tomb…” – from not form

*Burstbl* “terry and his crew were in pitch black.” – Terry should be capitalized.

*Burstbl* “…make out what it was until Terry realised, whispers.” – realized.

*Burstbl* “Peace of mind I will bring, flying on an angels wing…” – angel’s

*Burstbl* “Terry's father never was the optimistic type and he often said things that didn't make much sense but this time it was much stranger.” – Comma between ‘sense’ and ‘but'.

*Burstbl* “…events but terry couldn't get to sleep,” – Terry should be capitalized.

*Burstbl* “No-one was moving” – No one not no-one.

*Burstbl* “echos” – echoes

*Burstbl* “there was a puff that came…” – Capitalize There

*Burstbl* “…over. he didn't know…” He should be capitalized

*Burstbl* “…cold..or…” Ellipses should have three periods not two.

*Burstbl* “feeling it's warmth” Should be its not it’s. (A good way to check this is to see if you can say it is, if you can then it can be contracted to “it’s”, if not use its.)


*Beakerb* SUGGESTIONS
*Bursto* Try to use all five senses to describe your story. This will add depth to your scenes. Your story takes place in a tomb. Is the air musty, stale, can he practically taste the dust? Even though it is dark, when the light shines on the walls are they blank, are there directions, pictures? You will want to leave some things to the imagination of the reader, but it is important to give enough information to evoke the scene.

*Bursto* Use paragraphs to add flow to your story. Be careful of putting conversations in the middle. In the first scene you should start a new paragraph after her riddle and after his answer. I also suggest separating out his father’s words to him because it is a memory.

*Bursto* Beware the superlative (ie louder, faster, colder, harder), there are other ways to describe things. i.e. for your sentence “Terry was feeling colder and colder every second and the noises he could hear started to get louder.” Something like…Terry shivered as the air around him chilled to an uncomfortable level and small sounds in the distance echoed around him.

*Bursto* “Terry's father never was the optimistic type and he often said things that didn't make much sense but this time it was much stranger.” There seems to be a tense issue with this sentence. The end of the sentence doesn’t feel connected to the beginning. I would suggest “…but this warning had seemed out of place, even for him.” …or something similar.

*Bursto* Also, did the flashback have any context for the story? It feels a bit out of place. I suggest finding away to tie it in or cutting it down.


*Beakero* OVERALL IMPRESSION
You have the makings of a good story. The concept is strong and I feel that with some effort you could turn this into a very suspenseful piece.

BTW...if you do edit this piece and would like me to reconsider my rating, please let me know.


Thank you for sharing your work!
Write On!!

Zombie Signature for PDG


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of ABANDONED  Open in new Window.
Review by ZombeeLuv Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Geoff Author Icon,

I just finished reading your poem which you asked me to look at, "ABANDONED" Open in new Window. and I would like to offer you the following review.

*Beakerp* SUMMARY
And interesting dark piece about abandonment.


*Beakerr* STRENGTHS
Poetry relies on pulling in the senses in short quick burst and you did that excellently.
The bountiful society of the human hive. Giving the impression that there are millions of people around her.
Through the cold detritus of the society of people. This gives so much more of an impression than the simple words covey.

Excellent job!!

*Beakerb* SUGGESTIONS
I do have a few suggestions...please feel free to use what you like and dismiss what you don't.

*Burstp* the X branded I believe this should have a hyphen between the X and branded.

*Burstp* The kings and queens and the workers. This sentence reads awkward, I like the play of hive from the line before and then listing the elements of a bee colony. To me this would read better in one of two ways. The kings and queens...the workers or The kings, queens and workers.

*Burstp* The poisonous stings of the ants, numbing her senses.
In the sentence right before this you also mention ants. I suggest linking the two sentences to create better flow: Their poisonous stings numbing her senses.

*Beakero* OVERALL IMPRESSION
This is a really powerful piece, dark but not foreboding. Excellent work, that line is easily crossed and I feel you did an excellent job describing a tragic human condition without downplaying or over-dramatizing it.

Thank you for sharing your work!
Write On!!

Zombie Signature for PDG
18
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Review of The Dream Builder  Open in new Window.
Review by ZombeeLuv Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Spainified Author Icon,

I just finished reading your story which I found under Review a Newbie, "The Dream Builder" Open in new Window. and I would like to offer you the following review.

*Beakerp* SUMMARY
A young man prepares to leave his family home under mysterious circumstances.


*Beakerr* STORY STRENGTHS
Your descriptions in this piece are excellent and really add to the ambiance of the piece.

The September sun peeked through the cracks in the pale blue slats and poked at him; the warm rays already burning his skin as he forced his eyes open, one at a time. He didn’t need an alarm clock to tell him that it was time to get up. Heavy footsteps downstairs and the aroma of coffee brewing were indication enough.

The use of sight, touch, sound and smell all play together to make your scene really come alive.

*Beakery* GRAMMATICAL/SPELLING
There were no spelling errors in your piece. EXCELLENT JOB!!

There were two very minor spacing issues.
*Burstg* Now come along my son, wakey wakey. This could use a hyphen...wakey-wakey.

*Burstg* “My, my Ramón.what’s got into you today?” There should be a space bewteen the period and What's...also What's should be capitalized.


*Beakerb* SUGGESTIONS
*Burstp* In my opinion using line breaks between your paragraphs will help readers read your story easier. Typically you should either indent your paragraphs or add line breaks, some people add both.

*Burstp* I really wish that you had described the mother more clearly and what her place in this story. You mention things about her in the description of the story, but her presence was very vague in the actual piece.

*Burstp* This story doesn't feel complete. I really wish you had continued to the confrontation. I don't want to give anything away so I won't go into details. You built up the first two parts of creating a story very well, but the piece feels unfinished. Please feel free to email if you would like a more detailed explanation.


*Beakero* OVERALL IMPRESSION
I really enjoyed this story and feel that it could easily be expanded to a more comprehensive piece.


Thank you for sharing your work!
Write On!!

Zombie Signature for PDG
19
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Review by ZombeeLuv Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi {username:joshuabarrow},

I just finished reading your story which you submitted for me to review, "Where It All Began PT.1 (A Nircean Tale)" Open in new Window. and I would like to offer you the following review.

*Beakerp* SUMMARY
A thief takes a job that ends up going wrong.


*Beakerr* STORY STRENGTHS
Your descriptions are very good and your conversations are realistic. I enjoyed the flow of this story a lot.

I really enjoyed the dichotomy of the main character and this line really sums up who this character is: "However, the family was clearly in danger of being harmed and a nagging voice in my head said that I couldn't let that happen." -- very nice job in creating a sympathetic roguish character.


*Beakery* GRAMMATICAL/SPELLING
There are a few misspellings and grammatical issues.
*Nuclear* "Honesty's afforded to those with hearts and poetic talent." - you shouldn't contract Honesty is into Honesty's.

*Nuclear* as agrappling hook - should be a grappling hook

*Nuclear* He was lying completely unconscious on the floor and had no one coming to his rescue. - Should be laying not lying.


*Beakerb* SUGGESTIONS
My only suggestion is that your transitions could be a little smoother. Your scene changes three times and you switch POV at the end of the story. All are understandable, however I feel a few of these transitions could be made to blend into each other with transitional sentences. (BTW you did a great transitional sentence at the beginning of the third scene.)

*Beakero* OVERALL IMPRESSION
I really enjoyed this story. You did a great job creating a scifi world which will be very compelling after a few more chapters. I look forward to seeing what you come up with.


Thank you for sharing your work!
Write On!!

Zombie Signature for PDG
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Review of Princess Knows  Open in new Window.
Review by ZombeeLuv Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Nora!

Wow...what an amazing concept! I really enjoyed this story. Thank you for pointing this out to me it was a wonderful read.

The concept of a small dog being a spirit animal for a young girl is excellent.

I do have one tiny thing that I would point out...In the beginning paragraph you used the word "child" three times in as many sentences. I recommend changing the second child to individual or person and then just dropping the child from the third sentence. It would then read something like...My first child was born on March 21, the first day of the spring equinox, 16 years ago. It was an auspicious beginning for an uncommon individual. A girl, she came into this world screaming, her curly black hair and golden eyes proclaiming to all that she would change the world. -- Just a suggestion of course.

This story definitely left me with a sense of wanting to know more and I would love to see you massage it and give it a proper ending. LOL

Congrats on winning Writer's Cramp. It was definitely well deserved. {e-smile}

Write On!!!

Your Paper Doll Gang PAL,
ZombeeLuv
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Review of Here Be Dragon  Open in new Window.
Review by ZombeeLuv Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is really cute. I enjoyed it a lot. I feel like some of the word choices made could have been more descriptive and that you could have added some comparatives to give more details, but I didn't see any obvious grammatical or spelling errors. For example I feel like you should have added more description to exactly how big the dragon was. All and all excellent job.

Write On!!

ZombeeLuv
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Review by ZombeeLuv Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This was a really interesting story. What an adventure, isn't it strange the things that we did as children, I'm 46, that we would NEVER let our children do. Your "aunt Bea" would have been arrested for child abuse today. I also can't help but wonder what your Mom thought once you were back home, did you ever tell her about the adventure?

I didn't see any grammatical or spelling errors, however the use of parenthesis was a bit distracting. If you ever go back and edit this, consider using commas.

Thank you for an excellent read.

Write On!

ZombeeLuv
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Review of Though I Tried  Open in new Window.
Review by ZombeeLuv Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I promise, I'm not stalking you...just looking for another contest to play with. LOL.

I REALLY enjoyed this. I love undefined monsters, and you nailed this one. As a reader I am left with a sense of "HOLY CRAP!" simply perfect.

There are a few grammatical/spelling errors. (in no specific order...there were only a few and recalling them wasn't easy)
- I took up the lantern from it's place by the window and toured the house. - should be its, no apostrophe.

- When I first realized that something was wrong, it was when I jolted awake to the screams of my fellow passengers. - Consider eliminating the first When, starting the sentence with I and getting rid of it was...I first realized something was wrong when I was jolted awake to the screams of my fellow passengers.

-During all this time, I heard not a single moan or grunt of pain, a sign that anyone else had survived. - This would read a little smoother is you put a "not" before "a sign".

I thought I saw a couple more when first reading this, but...sigh, I am not sure what they were now.

I really like. It is very Poe-esque and you gave it a wonderful ambience. I really enjoy the concept of the first disaster begetting another.

Excellent job, good luck with the contest.

Write On!!!

ZombeeLuv
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Review by ZombeeLuv Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Ah...nightmares made flesh. Most excellent...almost as good as zombies...almost.

So, couple of small things. Since you are using Mr. black beard as a name, I suggest capitalizing Black and Beard. Names should always be capitalized even if they are nicknames. Also in this sentence - "Than with a wink, he walked over to his pallet and fell back on a pile of ratty cushions." I think you mean - Then with a wink.

All and all very intriguing. I am looking forward to the next chapter.

Thank you.

Write On!!

ZombeeLuv


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review by ZombeeLuv Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
OOOHHHH!!! Do I see zombies coming? *clamps hands and squeals in delight*

*calms down and tries to regain some composure*

Well even if the things in the dark aren't zombies, I really like this prelude. So many questions that I will have to read further to see if there are answers.

I only noticed one small thing.

This sentence: "My finder stopped suddenly and grabbed me around the throat, making my eyes bug in shock and lack of breath." Did the speakers hand really grab him around his own throat? I think you meant something different, but?...I won't presume.

Excellent start, I can't wait to read more.

Write On!!

Zombeeluv


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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