What Makes Love Grow...Or Die?

What Makes Love Grow? Or Die?
by Marilyn Mackenzie



Gary Smalley and John Trent, in their book Love is a Decision, wrote about what makes a woman stop loving a man, or more correctly, what one thing is important to women in the men they love. That one thing is integrity, and the authors sited Song of Songs 1:2-3 as Biblical proof of this.


As I read this book, and particularly a portion entitled, "Purifying Our Character Increases the Passion Level in a Home," I had one of those "ah-ha moments." I have always wondered what makes us fall out of love. I have wondered why our emotions can suddenly shut down, much like a light switch being turned off.


I think Smalley and Trent, or the Bible actually since that was their source of proof, explained it perfectly. When a woman loses respect for a spouse, it’s easy to also stop loving him. Unless the breach of trust is repaired, love may certainly wither and die – forever. As each small amount of erosion of trust occurs, repairs have to be made. Forgiveness has to be sought and given in order for the pain of that loss of trust to be repaired. Without small patches being applied to the holes in one’s heart, larger ones will appear. And soon, the repairs will be almost impossible to accomplish. The light switch will be flicked and love will end.

Smalley and Trent are certain that Song of Songs is a perfect blueprint for successful love and marriage. They explain their reasoning: "For a reader of Hebrew, something significant stands out. When biblical writers wanted to address something as the very best, the highest, without equal, they repeated it. That’s why we read statements like "King of kings" and "Lord of lords" in reference to Christ. The title’s repetition of the words, "the Song of Songs," then, tells us that this is it. The greatest love story of all times."


This book of the Bible begins with a strong statement of passion – one that every man craves in marriage. But following it is the very reason for that passion. The charm of the man is not found in his looks or in his wealth, but in his character. Passion followed as a reflection of the positive qualities in his life.


Often when we read the Bible, we forget that if something is true, then the opposite offers a truth as well. In this case, if integrity and character are important for keeping love, the lack of these characteristics are what results in loss of love and respect.


Men should learn from Solomon’s wife. The more purified their character, the more their spouses will be attracted and responsive to them. And when purity in character is lacking, they should not be surprised that all the wooing in the world cannot make up for damage to the love and passion that once existed in their marriages. Unless a character repair is obvious to the wife and forgiveness is requested and received, the marriage just could be doomed.

As one who has been abused by men, I have often wondered as much as anyone what kept me pinned to a man who thought I was useless and who later wanted to use me as his punching bag. I have wondered, too, about why many women don’t leave men who physically, psychologically, verbally and even financially abuse them.

I have also wondered what made them - and me - suddenly change. I believe that a woman’s confidence level can be so eroded that she doesn’t feel worthy of love that love that is pure, or of love from a man with integrity. But once a spark of confidence intrudes on her being, that same woman can finally see what her relationship is - or isn’t. Just as quickly, a switch can be flicked and what she originally thought was love no longer exists. And she can finally escape.

As I pondered these things, I thought of women I’ve known over the years and of marriages I’ve seen fall apart. More than any other reason, impurity of character played a part in the dissolving of those marriages, even when neither party could clearly articulate that reason.


The flaws didn’t have to be major ones, like infidelity. Someone once said that "love is blind," and I think for women that is so – in the beginning of their love life. But as time goes by, the blinders are removed and the real man emerges. It doesn’t matter at all that she suddenly sees him as not as handsome as she thought at first. But if she notices he’s not really kind or that he lies or cheats – even if it’s not on her – her opinion of him is devalued.


I have also known marriages that survived major character flaws in the male, if the man was willing to ask for forgiveness and the woman – seeing that he was willing to strive for purity in character again – was willing to forgive.


Perhaps this one thing explains better than anything else why women are more attracted to some men than others. A man whose character is deserving of love and affection is attactive to most women. And a man whose character is seriously flawed is not as appealing. Everything else really doesn't matter.