Through the Window

A solitary tear rolled down Mattie’s cheek as she stood there, peering into the window of St. John’s Catholic Church. With the exception of a few weddings and funerals, it had been nearly twenty-five years since she had attended Mass regularly. The last time she had been in a church was her mother's funeral nearly fourteen years ago. She was only eighteen years old when her mother died, but even then she had felt a tug deep in her heart to come back.

She had never asked her mother why they had stopped going to church after her father died. Mattie had just assumed that her mother was angry with God for taking him so soon. She had been just ten years old then, and the thought never crossed her mind to ask.

Mattie had come here this Sunday morning determined to go inside and attend Mass for the first time in fourteen years. But as she approached the door, she couldn’t bring herself to go inside. She stopped at the front window, looked in, and froze. Can I really do this? It’s been so long! She seriously considered turning and running to her car. Her eyes wandered over the altar and the statues adorning the church until they fell on a woman sitting off to the left of the altar a few rows back.

Mattie couldn’t take her eyes off this woman. She sat virtually motionless, eyes closed, and hands folded comfortably in her lap. The only thing that changed was the intensity of her smile. Sometimes, she had a peaceful, calm smile, as if she were resting in a field of flowers with a soft breeze brushing her cheeks. Other times, her smile was joyful as though she had just received her greatest reward. Mattie thought of her own mother, who had loved to just sit and pray quietly for hours, eyes closed. She had seen the same smiles on her face back then. Mattie missed her mother, she had never really had a chance to say goodbye.

Oh Lord, how did I get to this point in my life? I’ve drifted so far away from you and the church. And what in the world am I doing here now? You and I both know I don’t belong here. Mattie knew why she was here. She had made a promise to God last year to go to church at least once. She couldn’t promise Him any more that that, but she had made that promise to God while on a road trip in bad weather. She promised that if they made it home safely, she would go to church… at least once. It had taken her almost a year to get up the courage, but she was here to make that promise good. After all, it was a promise to God.

Mattie felt safe for the moment just standing outside looking in. She could still change her mind and leave, and she had already thought of it a few times. Towards the front of the church, Mattie could see a young couple sitting with their daughter. They were pointing to various places on the altar and various statues and explaining everything that captured the small child’s attention.

Memories of childhood flooded Mattie’s mind. She had clung to several special memories of Sunday Mass with her parents, and the lessons they had taught her of God’s love and forgiveness, and for a brief moment, Mattie once again felt the excitement she used to feel as a small child learning all that should could about God. She said a small prayer for the little girl before her eyes now.

Lord, keep this little girl always before you, and keep her love for you always pure. Don’t let her stray away from you as I did. The road I’ve been on has been lonely without you. Mattie wiped another tear from her cheek. She told herself all morning that she would not allow herself to cry here, but she realized that was harder than she thought it would be.

Her mind turned back to her situation here. What in the world am I doing here? Why did you bring me here?!? You know I don’t belong here. You see everything! You know as well as I do how I’ve acted and the carelessness with which I’ve lived my life. Those people in there are your children, not me!

Mattie spun on her heels and started for her car just as the sound of the choir touched her ears. “Ave Maria…” She froze in her steps, and once again, the tears welled up in her eyes. It was her mother’s favorite song. The last time Mattie had heard this song was at her mother’s funeral fourteen years earlier. That was also the last time Mattie had set foot in a church. She stood frozen there for a minute, her thoughts gliding on the angelic sound of the choir’s voices, and then turned and walked back to her spot at the window.

I’ll wait until this song is over and then I’ll go. I’ll stay that long for Mom. The song seemed to lift Mattie’s mood as she listened intently to the Latin words, and thinking of her mother. Remember how you taught me to sing this in Latin? You even taught me what these words meant. After I heard it at your funeral, I couldn’t bear to ever listen to it again. I remember another song you taught me too when I was little. It was my favorite when we would sing it in church. I can’t remember the name of it now. Boy, I sure miss you Mom. What should I do? Should I stay or go?

As Mattie’s thoughts floated on the voices of the choir, she remembered why she had come this morning. The promise…! I can’t leave! I promised God I would see this through. If I leave now, I may never come back. Panic began to set it as Mattie considered her options. Lord, what am I going to do? I know I promised you I would come at least once, but I can’t go in. I just can’t do it! Everyone here will know I don’t belong here. I don’t remember when to stand and when to kneel. Please Lord, can’t I just go home – please?

Mattie looked through the window once more. Every time she looked in at the altar and the crucifix above it, she felt a strong pull somewhere deep in her soul, and she wanted to give in to it, but could she? Her knees ached to kneel, here, in this church, today, and pour out her heart to the only one that would listen and not condemn.

Fear began to settle back in as she pulled her eyes from the window to turn and dash away. As she took her first step towards her car, her eyes caught glimpse of a well-groomed man in his thirties standing at the front door. He was looking right at her. There was something about his eyes that seemed to look into that same place in her soul, and she hesitated for a moment.

“Coming in?” he called over to her. “The music’s much better from the inside. Come on in. I’ll even open the door for you.” He opened the door and motioned for Mattie to go in. “No strings attached. Stay as long as you like, leave whenever you want.”

Mattie felt drawn by his words. For the first time she was actually being invited to come back. Someone wanted her inside that church, and to her, that was big. But she still wasn’t sure. “Oh, I don’t know. It’s been a long, long time. I’m not so sure I want to do this.”

“You’ll find what your looking for in here. No strings. Promise!” He held out his hand towards her. “Name’s Josh. And yours?”

A slight grin crossed Mattie’s lips as she moved towards the door. “Mattie. And just what am I looking for?” She looked directly into his eyes, and what she saw melted away whatever fear was left inside of her. She saw such tender forgiveness and compassion… and something else quite familiar, but Mattie couldn’t put her finger on what it was.

“The same thing every single person in there is looking for and finding in their own way. You are looking for God, peace, forgiveness, mercy, love, acceptance. For truth, faith, hope, and more. So are they. They’ve found it in here.” He pointed inside again.

Mattie stood at the open door for a minute and looked inside again. Her eyes once again fell on the face of that peaceful looking woman that had captured her attention from the window. “I want the peace I see on that woman’s face. She looks as though she has seen the face of God and that nothing could disturb her tranquility. I want that!”

Josh nodded and smiled. “That’s Maria. It’s interesting that you should notice her. She was once fond of that very same window you’ve been at this morning. You see, Maria was away from the church for over twelve years. She’s only recently been back. About three years ago, we had much the same conversation you and I have had this very morning. You should meet her. Come on, I’ll introduce you.”

Mattie stepped through the door before she could change her mind again. The minute the smells of the incense reached her senses, more of those wonderful childhood memories rushed thru her mind, and another tear rolled down her cheek. Somehow, it felt safe in here to cry, but she resolved to hold them back as long as she could.

Josh led the way towards where Maria sat; making sure that Mattie was only a few steps behind. As they approached Maria, a different smile graced her lips and she opened her eyes as though she had foreknowledge that they were coming.

“Maria, this is Mattie. She’s new to this church and she’s been gone a little while. Would you help her get re-acquainted?” Josh motioned for Mattie to slide into the pew next to Maria, and Mattie shyly obliged.

“Hi Mattie, and welcome! We’ve missed you and we’re glad you’re here.” Mattie stayed close to the entrance of the pew. Close enough to make that quick escape if the need arose. “Thanks Josh, I’ll help Mattie with whatever I can.”

As Josh turned to leave, his eyes met Mattie’s once again. “You’re in good hands with Maria. It will all come back to you in no time – you’ll see. I’ll see you around?” Mattie nodded and smiled back. “Yes, thank you. I’ll see you around.” Mattie’s focus turned back to Maria. “What do you mean you’ve missed me?”

“God waits patiently for every single person. Every one of His children are precious to Him. And Yes, you are one of his children too, and don’t let yourself think any differently. And He’s been waiting for you. You’ve heard him in the depth of your heart or you wouldn’t be here now. So come on, slide on in here and have a seat. Talk to God quietly within your heart. He is so happy you are here.”

Mattie felt all the tensions and fears lift from her heart and she sat down for a while, and then knelt here before the altar. She began the process of opening her heart and soul to God and letting him begin to heal her hurts. She began to talk to God from the depths of her heart, and she began to cry, quietly.

When the music started for the beginning of Mass, Mattie rose to her feet and reached for the hymnal. There was no way she could remember the words to any of the songs from her childhood. As she flipped thru the pages, she realized that she did remember this song. It was her favorite song from her childhood. She had thought of this song earlier as she was looking through the window.

Suddenly, Mattie realized she felt at home here. The familiar sounds and smells, her mother’s favorite song keeping her from leaving the window, and this song from her childhood memories. Mattie looked up at the crucifix and a peaceful smile graced her own lips as she whispered “You really have been waiting for me haven’t you? You prepared all these things for me this morning to welcome me home.”

Mattie slid into the pew a few more inches. She decided that she wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. She looked over at Maria. “Does Josh come to Mass at this time every week? I want to thank him again next week when I come back.”

“No, Josh is a traveler, he goes from church to church, visiting and looking for those who seem lost. He usually gets them to come in as he did with you, he is so very patient and understanding, and they say there's something familiar about his eyes. I’m sure you saw that too. You’ll see him again, just can’t tell when… or where.” The smile on Maria’s face was one Mattie had not seen yet. It hinted of a story yet untold, and secrets that only Maria, and Josh seem to know.

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