Mackingtosh pit

I felt it first when i was 19, sitting in Mackingtosh pit. Before i had assumed, well, nothing. When you are naive about a personal characteristic there are no options or choices. Being naive means you are blind to what-ever you are naive about. As i came to realise, the only way out of this dark room was to search the walls of my soul...looking for the answer in darkness.

With the subconscious help of my friends i found the switch and now i must cross the bridge. My final path from erratic introvert to complete awareness and on to unreasonable happiness.

My destination is common, however that i have taken these giant steps from humble beginnings through my own determination and realisation - that is what is so remarkable.
The steps i have taken and the pointers passed have given me incredible strength and satisfaction. Defeat was never an option. I had the feintest sniff when i was 17 which was enough to keep me driving onward.
I have, at times, felt like moulding my plastic self continuously.
But is this much change positive?
This concern bothers me like a fly: it is weak and pathetic, the hassle of dealing with it out-weighs the disturbance it creates.

Back to the pit.
I watch the characters that surround me, all of them sharp and funny. I had characteristics in common with them but not these. You cant be naive and sharp, in fact they are imprecise opposites.
To be sharp you need total awareness of your surroundings (in the case of my friends at a social level) which leads to self-awareness. To be naive your awareness must be blind, in my case i was blind to myself.

The many dark nights spent hazed in the pit had aroused a deep sense buried inside of me.
What was this feeling?
Early on in my friendship i had choice to make: run and hide or stay and change forever.
The latter was more intriguing and frightening, i almost ran, but deep inside me this sense made me sit and watch. I knew i was different so i had to stay.
Even now my decision is not easily understood.

I searched deep and hard, never contemplating defeat. Once i started defeat was not an choice, i would die searching. I passed fountains of awareness and crossed bridges of experience. I learnt lessons the hard way making mistakes which were duly seized on by friends, they were good teachers harsh, strong and uncorruptable.
They didn't realise what they represented and without this knowledge they couldn't be corrupted.

The search took me to the foundations of my soul, at times i wished to unzip and get a better look...i needed patience and strength the most important positive correlators. Without either i would loose ground.
I was single minded, for three years the world moved without me, my attention was primarily introverted, ironic really.

Sitting, sweating on my bed in the Brazilian humidity 3 years later my journey was almost over. A beautiful haze was completing my web, i stared not at the cupboard but into infinity.
I had a school recollection of walking meyer to quad, the oak trees, April daffodiles, rays piercing space and my awareness.

I smiled with ecstacy, it had been before me the entire time. My awareness was injured, lame and had been so for as long as i could remember. I had finally unearthed the root of my incompetence. I hadn't realised who i was till that moment. The curtains were finally drawn.

Laughter embraced me till my eyes swelled.
It is all so simple.
Life is so simple.

What had i realised?
Who i was
What it is to be connected with your surroundings
What it is to be aloof

I had hidden from the world in the only place i couldn't be touched: in the whirlpool of my own mind.
And now i was free, flying once more,
My broken wings had healed,
The chains slashed from my ankles,
Like a phoenix i had risen from the flames of my mind.

I was bathed in light and laughter and love.