The Case of the Murderous Lollypop

I was grinding on some thoughts, but couldn't think of how to start, so I did the usual thing, find something to munch on or lick. I looked around and there I found in the small store that my daughter set up inside our Internet Cafe, lollypops in a glass jar. I hurriedly took the jar, opened it up, and took one neatly wrapped in orange plastic. It had a name: LICK ME.

I tried to tear off the plastic wrapper, I failed. It was tightly wrapped,a powerful tape was glued to the wrapper. My tongue was so anxious to lick it now, so I put it in my mouth just to bite the plastic wrapper, but my front teeth couldn't even rip it.

"My God, this lollypop can spoil my story," I mumbled some invectives upon this "diabite".

"All right, this is what you want. I'll tear you off with my mighty, long fingernail."

So, I struck my left-thumb fingernail on the hard wrapper hoping to finally open it and devour it. Finally - no, I wasn't able to open it - my fingernail gave off. It broke and blood burst from the skin beneath it.

"Wha!" I shouted. My finger gushed with blood, the lollypop was filled with it. I couldn't anymore lick it, my thoughts were gone for good. I couldn't write, I was uttering words like I was facing an enemy.

"Murderous lollypop," I muttered.

I went back to my table to scribble a few words. I couldn't. My finger ached so hard, work was out of my mind now.

It took me hours to decide what to do. Finally, I came to the realization that I must do something to give justice to my wounded finger.

I went to the office of the Municipal Circuit Court Judge of Sto. Tomas the next day.

"I am filing a Frustrated Murder Case against Lollypop," I told the judge, who upon hearing my interesting case,immediately set the preliminary investigation.

I presented my evidence - medical certificate, pictures and even testimonial evidence, an affidavit of one of the witnesses who gave me first aid.

The Clerk of Court announced the case, I stood on the witness stand. People of the Philippines versus Lollypop aka "LICK ME", for Frustrated Murder.

I stood in front of an audience which gathered upon hearing my unique case of murder. The media was there, too, to cover the event. The judge asked me to relate in detail what transpired. This is my testimony.

"I was thinking and researching for my book. Since I have the habit of munching on something as I write, I took one lollypop and tried to open its wrapper. Unluckily for me, I couldn't open it. Not even my teeth could open the mighty wrapper. A powerful tape was glued to the plastic that I couldn't think of anything to unwrap my lollypop.

"Finally, I applied pressure upon it with my left-thumb fingernail, which was about a centimeter long. It took lots of care for me to make it long, but then and there it broke, and ripped open the skin beneath it, thereby gushing lots of blood. Some witnesses came by to give me first aid, and I am presenting one of them as my witness.

"Your honor, until now, I can feel the pain, notwithstanding the trauma, caused by the breaking of my fingernail because of that lollypop. I was virtually confined at home for one day. You know the usage of my left-thumb, your honor? I use it in writing or typing materials for textbooks in schools, and for my novels.

"With those facts, your honor, I lost my honor and prestige, not to mention, a lot of money, because of the fact that I couldn't work yesterday, and maybe, for several days from now. As a respected author, any single moment for me is very precious."

At this juncture of the hearing, I could sense that I impressed the judge. And to impress him the more, I went out of the witness stand, appoached the bench.

"Your honor, do you have a long fingernail?" I seemed like interrogating the judge. I watched him bothered by my instant inquisition.

"Yeah?" the judge answered, showing his right-thumb fingernail, about two centimeters long from the tip of the finger.

"Here!" I handed over the suspect, the murderous Lollypop. "Open it up with your long fingernail, and see for yourself."

"Hah?" the judge hurriedly stood up from his bench. I could see the fear in his face. For the first time in the history of criminal jurisprudence, a judge displayed fear, instead of authority. See what murderous Lollypop can do.

"I move, on my behalf, that a warrant of arrest be issued against Lollypop, with no bail set," I triumphantly declared.

The judge ruled that Lollypop be put to jail until her manufacturer appear in court, present the necessary changes in its wrapper, and pay the necessary penalty commensurate to my honor and prestige as a distinguished author.

"So ordered," the Court ruled.