Wrong Approach

It's funny how you think that getting together with friends can chase away blues. The long-term blues from being divorced and menopausal. And if that isn't depressing enough, of also being lonely (sort of) Even though the loneliest time of my life was in my marriage, I still feel the longing to have someone just to talk to, and drunk friends just doesn't cut it, because they are chasing depression, too. Besides, I feel guarded around them, because one of them has told me several times when liquor loosened her inhibitions, that she wanted to be with a woman sometime, and this is enough to make me paranoid of her. So tense that I don't want to be at any point, off guard around her. Some basis for a friendship. So I feel like a stick-in-the-mud. And then I flirt with her boyfriend because that is the only type of man I can feel at ease enough to do this with. I know he's safe and will never act on anything, so I flirt. Can't do it with an unattached male. I freeze up like a popsicle.Besides, I want her to see that I am strictly hetero!! Then I leave the drunk and merry lot of them, still sober, and as I drive away, the ever present gloom settles down around me like a familiar cloak. And I look at my eyes in the rear-view mirror and see what everyone else sees. A middle-aged lady who tried to chase away the blues for a couple of hours and as every time before,failed.