Homeo Transit Seattlus

In the 1960s, a professor of anthropology at Leeds University in England postulated that the occupation of bus driver would lead to the evolution of a new hominid. His thesis was based on the premise of bus-driving being the ultimate sit-down job, and a recent one at that, and supported by documentation of the physical form of bus drivers in the city of Leeds, most of whom had bodies large of girth perched atop of spindly bird legs. His idea was scorned and even ridiculed and his department bullied him into early retirement. However, the idea gets revisited from time to time and bus drivers even have a scientific name, homo transit, to distinguish them from the rest of humankind, homo sapiens. Homo transit is not technically a separate species. Homo sapiens and homo transit can successfully mate and produce viable offspring, which usually are not homo transit. Similarly, homo transit is usually the offspring of a homo sapiens coupling. However, the brain of homo transit differs from that of homo sapiens in ways that justify a scientific distinction.

A classic example involves the maze. In scientific experiments, it has been shown that bus drivers can find their way through a maze to the cheese, on average, five times faster than other humans. However, if there is no cheese at the end of the maze, the bus driver seems to sense this and will not even attempt to find a way through. This is why bus routes invariably terminate at a bakery – the bus would never leave the base otherwise.

Another example involves the use of public restrooms. In a recent survey of Seattle drivers, more than 99% expressed a preference for a restroom door with a deadbolt lock. By contrast, almost one half of homo sapiens admitted to often forgetting to lock the door behind them altogether. Homo transit can sense if a restroom is occupied and, if in doubt, knocks first.

Transit always keeps track of time, even when off duty. Sapiens usually can’t tell if it’s Wednesday or midnight in Moscow. Homo sapiens is usually running late - some so late that they would be late for their own funeral. Homo transit would show up early and walk through the buffet! Most of homo sapiens can’t get through their workday without music. Homo transit somehow drives around for hours in a music-free environment without going crazy.

Homo transit is found the world over. It is a highly adaptable creature. Many of the world’s transits have found their way to Seattle, a place with a well-developed transit culture that is so distinctive that the drivers warrant a more specific scientific name – homo transit seattlus. They can by distinguished by their plumage, which comes in various combinations of blue, beige and green. They come in both genders, all races, all ages, and all shapes and sizes. All carry a bag of some sort, stuffed with transit survival gear – snacks, paperback books, gloves, aspirin, personal grooming paraphernalia (being surrounded by mirrors leads some of the better-looking transits to vanity), and, of course, a folding umbrella. Like transits everywhere, seattlus undergoes a twice-daily migration cycle known as “flock and disperse” – flock to base at start of shift and disperse around Seattle – flock to base at end of shift, and go home. Smaller flocks may appear during the day at points where more than one route terminates or lays over, or where evening-shift drivers await their coach. These smaller flocks are referred to as gaggles, and are a common sight when traffic is disrupted due to weather or Mariners games.

Seattlus is a creature of ritual habit. An example of such goes at follows: park bus; close door; visit restroom; buy coffee; return to bus; place coffee on bumper of bus; tap cigarette out of packet; light cigarette and smoke; retrieve coffee from bumper; open door; close door; return to seat; pick up Post-Intelligencer and read; put down newspaper; open door; allow passengers on; start engine, and head out again.

Seattlus enjoys great camaraderie, waving at passing seattli, and engaging in bus-driver-speak whenever a gaggle forms. But seattlus is not above a bit of competition, especially when it comes to access to the better restroom facilities. Some routes have almost a territorial claim on particular bakery restrooms, and for a driver of another route to waltz in on it might be considered an act of aggression by some. Seattlus is the envy of homo sapiens in Seattle, because King County Metro attire confers on you the right to use any restroom facility in the city.

Seattlus is a hungry beast, often with hypoglycemia and hollow legs. It needs to be fed constantly. Many times a day, it will park the bus and head out in search of food. Some bus riders who bond readily with seattlus feel compelled to bring the driver food. This concerns those that study transit in general, and seattlus in particular, for fear that seattlus will lose its ability to find its own food and become dependent on homo sapiens. In other cities, bus drivers have become a nuisance akin to bears at campsites – overturning garbage cans and breaking into parked cars to pilfer groceries, prompting the installation of driver-proof garbage cans and the posting of signs in the front of buses – “Please do not feed the driver.” This is in stark contrast to Irkustk, Russia, where bus drivers have gone unpaid since 1991, and gladly accepts gifts of any kind. If you are hoping to get to East Irkustk on the #18 bus, based on your gift of a donut, and someone else with West Irkustk in mind gives the driver a smoked ham and a gallon of vodka, you will be out of luck – said transit will turn the bus around, and voila! – “This bus is now a number 11 to West Irkutsk”.

Not all homo transits necessarily drive a bus for a living – but they have the transit state of mind. Such people are inclined to enjoy taking public transportation, especially buses. This is why some cities are more successful in their mass transit endeavors than others – there has to be a criticial mass of transits amongst the human population. Incidentally, transits do enjoy riding trains, but never enjoy driving them.

Perhaps that professor from Leeds was not so crazy.