Musings From a Tattoo Parlor

“Make sure you spell it right, man.”

“Be kinda hard not to spell Mary right.”

“You never know anymore these days; what with illiteracy rates going up and all.”

“You would be an expert on this subject…”

“Yeah, I would be.”

“Well, if I get stuck along the way, I’ll make sure you remind me how Mary is spelled.”

“Life is strange, man. Don’t you think?”

“I’m afraid to ask.”

“I mean, one day you’re at the top of your game, and, next thing you know, you’re not.”

“That is way too profound for my tastes right now.”

“Listen, man. I used to be the big cheese, the top honcho, the main man. Then 9/11 hit, and all of a sudden, my empire came crashing down along with those buildings."

“Your empire…?”

“Yeah, man. You know I used to be in multilevel marketing, right?”

“I’m sorry. I hadn’t cared.”

“Yeah, I was in multilevel marketing, and I was making mucho dinero, man. You better believe it!”

“You mean you used to be in Amway?”

“No, no. Not Amway, man, multilevel marketing. Yeah, I used to be huge. I had anywhere between 35 to 40 salespeople that I mentored at any given time.”

“And, by mentored, you mean screwed, right?”

“What do you mean, man? I helped people make a lot of dough in my program.”

“Look, whatever you called it, my aunt got screwed with that program. Now, she’s got a garage full of unsold vitamins and supplements that’ll keep her healthy until she turned an unlikely 300 years old.”

“I told you already, man. I wasn’t with Amw—”

“And, you know what’s the worst of it? She didn’t even have enough money to pre-purchase the products to begin with. She had to borrow money from my mom, and her other siblings.”

“Yo, man, is that supposed to hurt that much?”

“Thousands of dollars she wasted. Mom tried to talk her out of it, but she wouldn’t listen.”

“Okay, man, I know that’s a bummer about your aunt and all, but, c’mon, I think I’m bleeding too much here.”

“Sorry, dude. I just get so riled up about that still.”

“No problem, man. Like I said earlier, life is strange.”

“Yeah, it is. So, tell me about your chick.”

“Who, Mary? Oh, man, she is hot! We met at the gym I go to. Smokin’ bod. Nice rack. Great roll in the hay. What more can I say?”

“In other words, you’re in a very meaningful relationship…”

“Totally, man. Like Tom Cruise said in that sports movie: ‘You got me at hello.’ It’s that deep.”

“Tom Cruise’s character didn’t say that line in that movie.”

“He didn’t?”

“No. It was that Zelwegger chick who said it.”

“Whatever, man. All I’m saying it that she got me at hello. As soon as I saw her, I knew that it needed to happen. That we needed to happen.”

“You’re making me uncomfortable right now.”

“I just think she’s the one, you know.”

“You’re still making me uncomfortable.”

“Honey, are you almost done in there?”

“No, not yet, baby! Give me…what, you think ten, fifteen minutes?”

“At the most.”

“Give me fifteen minutes, baby! Why don’t you leave and then come back later?”

“Okay! Kiss-kiss!”

“Kiss-kiss!”

“That Mary?”

“No, that’s Susan, my girlfriend.”

“...I’m confused.”

“No, you see, this is what’s going on. Things between Susan and I, well, they’re not too hot right now. I mean, the action’s still good, you know. But I just don’t feel that connection anymore, you know? So, tonight, I’m gonna let Susan know that I think it would be best if we started seeing other people.”

“Wow. What if she doesn’t agree?”

“Well, then I’ll just have to break it to her straight up by telling her about Mary.”

“How?”

“I’ll show her the tattoo, man. That’s how.”

“Harsh...”

“Well, like I said earlier, life is strange.”