Personal Shopper-Shopping Advice for Men

Personal Shopper

The phone rang and the nice lady from the residential home where my aunt lives explained that she needed more clothes.

“Size 12, your wife knows the sort of things she wears.”
Panic, it was Tuesday. We were going on holidays on Thursday and my wife was in Belfast helping her elderly father.

Now shopping is not my scene. When it comes to women’s clothes I just haven’t a clue. My wife tells me brown's the new black, pink's in again, grey's out, blue's coming in and all her clothes are green.

Years ago there was just a January Sale and a Summer Sale, now it’s continuous – spring, autumn, mid-season, special event, extra ten percent off, cardholders only, more than half price, sale ends Sunday –Which Sunday? The wife only buys in sales. It's a family joke that one day she'll come home with an escalator because it's marked “Down”.

She knows not to even ask me to go shopping for clothes. When I did, she would bend my ear about standing around looking bored, not keeping up, loitering over the lingerie displays and making stupid comments like – “what about a nice pair of fishnet tights or something black with suspenders?”

In the past I’ve stood outside changing rooms and inside dress shop doors trying to look invisible and not get in the way of pushy women out for their weekly dose of retail therapy.

The last thing I want is to traipse up and down aisles inspecting the boxed bras, rails of jumpers, shelves of nighties, racks of blouses, displays of skirts not to mention granny knickers in bags.

And look, whoopee, the Granny knickers are on special offer at 3 for the price of 2. You’d be out of your mind to buy loose knickers when you can get 3 for 2 granny knickers in a bag.

See what happens to my mind when I’m bored!

Just picture Granny turning to Grandpa. “Get out my Zimmer love and I’ll nip out for a packet of shortbread and a bag of knickers.” If manufacturers were to print Santa and holly on the bag they’d sell millions at Christmas. “How kind, just what I needed. I’ll keep them safe in the drawer with my 20 other bags of 3for2 knickers.”

Then it hit me! - A Personal Shopper. I’ll go to that shop that takes back all the Christmas presents that don’t fit and ask for a Personal Shopper.

"No problem sir." Someone will be with you in a minute – fantastic!

An attractive blond lady appeared; I explained I needed clothes for my Aunt in residential care – size 12. Thankfully she believed me. We flew round the isles – what about this – great,– what about that – fine. Two blouses, two skirts a cardigan all in double quick time. Whoopee, the 3 for 2 special offer was still on. I paid up and took them round to the home.

One by one each item was carefully inspected and approved until we came to the granny knickers. “You can take those things back I wouldn’t be seen dead in them. I wear these.” She dramatically held up a skimpy looking piece of material.

Panic again, how can I describe them to a personal shopper?

“Tell you what, I’ll get the wife to sort you out when we get back from holidays.”