Let Me Have A Six-Pack To Go, PLease

LET ME HAVE A SIX-PACK TO GO, PLEASE
By
DeBorn Luzer

I was reading a book the other day and, of course, the television was playing in the background. Slowly, I became aware of a noisy commercial and glanced up to see what all the hubbub was about. I saw people in a bar-like setting, dancing, singing, and, in general, just really having a good time. Of course they all had a drink in their hands and I waited to see what type of alcohol was making them all feel so good. Imagine my surprise when I found that it was bottled water they were getting high on. Not only were they singing and dancing but they were cavorting on the beaches, riding in glitzy cars, and having romantic interludes. All this because they were drinking water! This really got me to thinking about salesmanship and what idiots we, the public, are.

I can see buying ice back in the old days when nobody could afford freezers, even if they were invented , because you had to have some way of preserving food. The only other way was to go to the river, or lakes, in the winter and cut out blocks of ice and stack it in a hole in the ground in an ice house. This was a lot of work and when someone came around selling blocks of ice people jumped at the convenience. They not only sold you the ice but they would actually deliver it to your icebox.

I can’t see people not being able to get their own water, unless they live in the middle of the desert, that is, and then I believe that they would just bring it in by camel from a nearby oasis. I’ve traveled quite a bit and I have never been anywhere that I couldn’t get water whenever I needed it. Sometimes I got it from restaurants, sometimes from outside faucets at service stations, sometimes from an old-fashioned hand pump, and even from clear, running streams. But it was always there. Now I have the choice of actually buying water in cute little bottles with French names that simply mean “water”. It’s supposed to be free of contaminants and instilled with extra vitamins so that I become healthier and, obviously, happier. Yeah, right! They were selling these little bottles at the circus I went to last Saturday for three dollars a pop and people were buying them! This only served to raise my way of thinking to a higher level.

If people will buy water in bottles and believe that it came from some purified, sanitary, health-conscious factory in Europe then I should have no problem with selling canned air. Think about it! I can pressurize little cans of air that people can conveniently carry with them and use whenever they feel like they need a whiff of fresh air. I can say that the air comes from deep within a forest glen somewhere in the rain forest where it is filtered by the tree fronds and gently blowing breezes and is uncluttered with carbon monoxide, smog, smoke, allergies, etc. I can also say that extra oxygen has been induced, along with a hint of laughing gas to create that “feel good” feeling that will have you dancing and singing. Along with the bottled water, the canned air should practically do away with alcohol. I could even market a warm version of it for the people who like to be full of hot air.

If things go well I should have the air on the market in a few months, just as soon as I can find an old bicycle pump and print out a bunch of labels. I’m not sure, though, whether I should give it a French name, or not. I sort of favor just calling it by a redneck name and only using the initials “BS”.