Remain true to yourself... Take pride in individuality. |
The Freaky Fat Chick’s Opus There once was a freaky fat chick Who liked to pierce her body: Her tongue, her eyebrows, & navel, As well as places naughty. She thought it quite unpleasant To be just one of the herd, So she tattooed places private And spoke with foul words. She liked her middle finger Raised high above her head, So folks could tell just how she felt— Even if it went unsaid. Her sugar daddy left her For a hotter piece of ass, Her principal expelled her For not attending class. Her parents then disowned her, And, banished from her home, She took a life of vagrancy And motorcycle chrome. She hitched her way to Daytona For a week of bikes and brawls, And intoxicated slumber In public restroom stalls. But the party soon was over And the week came to an end, Which left the freaky fat chick Without hospice, cash, or friends. She sat alone, dejected, On a little stone park bench Next to some old lady, Some chipmunk-feeding wench, Who scratched a lotto ticket And hollered suddenly, “Oh my goodness gracious! I’ve won the lottery!” The woman jumped for joy And clicked her heels midair, “Oh heavens, me-oh-my! I’m a multi-millionaire!” The onrush of excitement Did cause her heart to seize, And she fell – dead – to the ground With a belch, a fart, & wheeze. The freaky fat chick’s impulse At first was, “Grab the dough!” And pry the winning ticket From the woman’s hands, although She hesitated briefly -- Be it conscience or compunction, An unknown strength of character, Or the barest loss of gumption. But either way she tarried, And though the crone seemed comatose, The hag sat up and wiped her brow, “Jeepers! That was close!” The freaky fat chick’s heart sank; She had missed her golden gilt. All because of decency, Some temporary guilt. She sat there, morose & sullen, And wondered aloud just why Fate had smiled upon her, And just as quickly passed her by. The old lady’s eyes, they twinkled With life and full of spunk. She picked up a furry friend then, An adorable chipmunk. The enchanting little creature -- So cute and full of vigor – Danced a darling jig And nibbled on her finger. The funny little chipmunk, With cute & puffy cheeks, Began to really gnaw On that helpless old antique. And then there were the others That scrambled up her dress. They ate her through her housecoat And really made a mess! A savage horde of dozens: A hundred, maybe two Devoured that nice old lady From her wig down to her shoe. The freaky chick was shocked And thought, “How could it be?!” That behavior seemed abnormal And, “Would they next then turn on me?” But she had learned her lesson And didn’t screw around; She snatched that winning ticket Before it hit the ground. The chipmunks were quite thorough In cleaning the old hag’s bones. But miraculously untouched, They’d left the scratch card alone! The slaughter soon was over, Chipmunks retired in a wad To secret lives of carnivores And their wholesome, cute façade. The smell of death and Ben-Gay Wafted through the air While the freaky fat chick pondered, Of what else was she unaware? Now she’s raking in the millions, Still pierces this and that. The “freak” is now “eccentric,” And still is just as fat. |