Goodbye...

I never let you say goodbye
I was there and you tried but I walked away.
Your face, on that last day, still haunts me.
Your eyes pleading with me even as you stood there silently.
I turned and walk away never believing that I would never see you again.
I found out too late that you were only trying to apologize.
I sit here now and think that; it wasn’t you who needed to apologize but me.

         I was in my room that day sitting on the floor ironing a shirt for later that evening. I didn’t have much going through my head, just random thoughts about what else needed to be done before I left for the day.

         I heard the phone ring, as if it were very far away and not just down the hall, and my stomach did a little flip flop. I heard my mothers’ muffled voice as she answered the phone and as her voice got closer to my door my blood started to feel as though it were draining from my body. I couldn’t hear what she was saying but the closer she got the louder my heart pounded. As she turned the knob on the door my body went numb and my ears started to ring.

         I looked up slowly as she entered the room, she was holding back a well of tears, and there was little need for her to say a word. All at once the room began to close in. My heart cried out that this wasn’t true and she was lying, but my brain went numb. “Baby, I am so sorry, he died.” was all that she said.

         The words, finally spoken, unleashed the tears from my heart and they began to pour from my eyes. My brain frantically search for what this all meant, all the while knowing and searching desperately for a way out of the madness coming down around me.

         I ran from the room, I needed to get out, I couldn’t breathe; my chest was so tight that the air would not enter. She trapped me before I could make outside and pinned me to the wall. I screamed and punch at her frantically trying to free myself from this all consuming pain that had gripped my heart and taken over my soul. All I could do was scream the denial that my soul felt.

“You are lying to me. Let me go talk to him, let me tell him I am sorry, let me tell him I love him, let me listen to him, let me go back and fix it, PLEASE GOD! Don’t let this be the end.”