Blame

Looking back through one's past and wondering, "What if?"

I am old now and wonder if?
Is it right to look back and blame them for every tiff?
Was it their job to ensure I became who I am?
Or, was it destiny that actually dealt me my hand?

I go to doctors who claim it was my youth.
A period, when they molded me into my future booth.
A box, My Life, where I am who I became,
secure, so long as, I never travel beyond these walls lest I go insane.

I have no memory, no record of what really took place.
Just air occupies that portion of my brain space.
So, I wonder did something so traumatic take place one day,
so horrible, in order to survive, I blocked it out some way?

Is this why I am so angry and hurt now?
The reason my body and soul feel like a field that's been plowed.
Is my ground now ready to receive new life?
Or am I an empty shell, not fit to be anyone, especially a wife?

I am older and wonder why,
I am lost, alone in bed I cry?
Should I blame them or pray to Christ?
Pray for sanity and aid, to find my place and My Life!