Life Infatuation

I fell in love. I fell….. into a pit of hell. I fell….no. I tumbled violently into a cave of infatuation. People tell me they fell in love, and I believe them, unlike you. You accuse attention seekers and the broken hearted. Their love is no fantasy. Maybe you have never loved but I have. I believe them, and I tell them, I fell in love too.

My love was eye cutting. Playful. Questioning. Cold. Compassionate. She was, in lesser words, our existence. She was a friend, a hero, a leader, a daughter, a sister. In what seemed to be no other mind than mine, she was a purpose. Every particle of air that swam through her, my lungs followed. Every inch of the earth she walked, my feet relived. Every moment of contact, my eyes sought. Trust and faith began to transform into truth and I soon learned love was a dangerous element of life. Though she did not know it, I was with her. My mind was wrapped around her smile; my insides wrapped around her affection. I was wrapped in my own blanket of torment with no way to pull it off. I was in love.

I set my self-being on one goal. No one would know. Somehow along the way I would forget. But pain is hell. And hell is never forgotten. There is nothing more dangerous than masking. To mask a feeling, an obsession, a desire, is a numbing of the soul. The heart still beats, though frozen it may seem.

No one knew the meaning of friends but we all became them. Hiding my secret was easier this way because I had no other choice. From that time on, I knew to accept I was not first, not it, not the one. I was a friend; I still knew no meaning of this word. But I tried. No one believed. I couldn’t blame them; no one knew the meaning of belief. Trying harder and harder, I never knew, would make my secret more and more obvious. The keenest amongst us picked it up.

It had been burried so deep that all was almost forgotten. We were friends; I knew I would die to keep us here. But the keenest was too keen to keep her secret. She came to me. That moment of confrontation, the feelings, obsessions, and desires returned to shackle me like flying daggers. I was back, in my pit of hell, falling. A wave of guilt swept through me, expounding my truth. I knew I wanted only one thing in this world, and that was for her to fall with me. Why couldn't she fall with me? I fell in love with you..... and now you believe.