Inlaws, Be Prepared

Weddings must be among the happiest days of the lives of all families. So why do we dread them so much?

Preparing a wedding can be an organizational nightmare. All you want is to make your childs day the best day of his or her life.

There’s simply so many things to take care of. Life becomes one mad dash between tradesmen like caterers, dressmakers, photographers, florists, cake makers and the list goes on and on in a never ending money stream that has it’s source in your bank account.

The wife has no sympathy because your money, the quantity of, which was once so important to her and the subject of so many lectures and arguments that you can’t possibly remember how many, suddenly becomes the the last thing on her mind. The mere mention of the subject of budgeting the money sends her into a mad frenzy of anger. Small minded and petty seem to be regular sounds to batter your eardrum.

But lets put all of those issues aside because there is one issue that you won’t be able to avoid, much as you may try, in arranging any wedding and that is the accomodation of a previously unknown pair of individuals who will be tactlessly thrown into your lives with absolutely no consideration for values such as your compatibility to them.

I am, of course referring to your future in-laws

I’ve put together a few in-law personality stereotypes to give you an idea of what I’m talking about. Please keep in mind that there are many more but I think I've covered a good few.

The incompatibles.
Incompatibles are in laws who are completely incompatible with each other and can never agree on anything. You, on the other hand are left on the sidelines in a state of total confusion. You actually spend most of your time refereeing between them. However, this can be a valuable education in arbitration that may come in useful as a future career change.

The Organizers
The organizers are those people who walk into a room, usually some time after work has already started and forcefully issue orders to anybody and everybody in sight. In their eyes, everybody is doing the wrong thing and is re-assigned to new chores. The fact that their intrusion is most inconvenient, rude and time wasting is totally irrelevant and completely beside the point. They know best and that’s that.

The Timid
The timid are people who cannot abide the thought that their presence may cause any inconvenience or unpleasantness. Their catch phrases are; “don’t let us get in the way”, “it’s only us” or, “we hope that nobody will be offended if we have a request”. The fact is, you never know where you are with this type. You really just want to give them a good slap. They’re a bit like having a fungal infection, You hardly notice them most of the time but you can never totally ignore them either and they seem to irritate you at the least convenient times.

The Overwhelmed
The overwhelmed are those who find everthing too much. Most of the time they need time-outs to compose themselves. Here you find yourself in a supporting role- a sort of psychologist, at a time when you would rather be looking after the bride and groom to be. Caution, this could be a cunning ploy to divert your attention from the way you would like things to be!

The Best Friends.
You know this type, they know you all of fifteen minutes but already they are your best friends. You life is now firmly intertwined to theirs and they are going to make sure that they never let you out of their sight. They will also call on the phone you at all hours of the day or night.

The We Know What’s Best For Johnny Lot
This could be one of the worst categories of in-laws because they shamelessly use the emotional blackmail of hiding behing their child’s better interests. They are the sole autorities of what their kids need and what’s best for them and no ammount of persuasion will make them compromise. They are like human buldozers continually on the attack until they get their way.

The Offended
This is another difficult group to contend with because it doesn’t matter what the couple wants it’s contrary to their better judgement. Everything becomes an issue and again like the previous group, emotional blackmail is the order of the day. They continually threaten to withdraw their support if things are not done their way. If you don’t play the game by their rules they will take their ball and go home.

The Crawlers
This type are the people who never stop complimenting you right from the word go. It doesn’t matter what you do, it’s the best thing since sliced bread. All you want to do is to tell them to please shut up and be natural, but you know that you can’t do this because if is obvious how offended they will be.

The We Can’t deciders.
this annoying type of person simply refuse to decide about anything. Nothing seems quite right and there are so many choices that they continually change their minds. I promise you they are going to drive you up the wall so prepare your vallium.

The Confused.
This category sounds like the overwhelmed but there is a subtle difference. The confused are people who simply do not know how to do anything and need to be shown, step by step how everything works. They continually ask questions and request clarifications. Patience is the order of the day here.

The Public Speakers
Some people just look for a forum in which they can command the attention of everyone. What better a stage than a wedding. Their whole purpose in life is to show how they shine above everybody else in all matters of social grace, composure and self assurance. If you manage to get your hands on the after dinner speach, you may want to edit it and slip it back into his pocket unnoticed.

The Gentry
Some people just think that they are Lord and Lady Muck. They are the most pretentious people on the face of the earth and their sole ambition in life is to show everyone how many affluent people they know. They will invite scores people of social standing whom they hardly ever met to demonstrate thier level of social level to all present. Usually they fall flat on their faces, making complete asses of themselves.

The Hill Billies
The hill billies are the absolute opposite of the gentry. Hill billies are hell bent on demonstrating just how dirt common they really are. They will invite the most excentric bunch of, loud mouthed, rude and uncouth lot of riff-raff on the face of the planet. All the local bums, wasters and petty criminals that you have spent a lifetime avoiding will be at your child’s wedding. They will parade all the contents of the local charity shops which they bought espacially to attend your childs wedding with all the pride of expert bargain hunters. The wedding will be a continuous drunken wrestling bout and you will be the referee. To the hill billies, no time is a good time without a few fights.

The Out Of Timers.
Out of timers are people who have to do everything in a rush because they always have to be somewhere else. In point of fact, things always take about three times longer with this type person on the scene. They refuse to relax, they continually inspect their watches and make impatient noises and gestures. The best thing you can do is to state that you are in a bigger rush than they are.

The We’re Too good For You Lot.
You and your offspring will never be good enough for this type. They continually use put downs and show their child off. They have been against the relationship right from the start and they want everybody to know it. To them the marriage will be one made in hell and they will stop at nothing possible to prove their point.

The Swingers
The swingers are those who always seem to be looking out for other couples who might want to swing with them. They love to kiss, particularly on the lips. In fact, you get the impression that if the kiss had lasted a second longer their tongue would have been in your mouth. Hugs are always very palmy and hands seem to slide up or slip down to areas not quite PC. Conversation is always manipulated to very personal subjects that you wern’t intending to talk about and some how always seems to get around to sexual preferences.

The Millionaires
The millionaires are those people who want you to know that they have lots of money and in large supply. Nothing is too expensive for their little darling. They Jump in to pay before you have a chance to get your hand in your pocket and make you feel as though you are one of their poor relatives. Prepare oodles of patience.

The Grandparents
As the title suggests, tha grandparents are those who continually look for opportunities to fire remarks like not being able to wait to see those ‘tell-telling’ signs and “hearing the pitter patter of tiny feet.” Their remarks are unavoidably combined with outdated sexual advice, pinches on the cheek, knowing winks and slaps on the back. Oy Vey!

The Hippies.
The hippies are those parents who cannot accept that they are twice as old as their children and make pathetic attempts to show that they are at least as hip as their kids. The result is more often than not a gross exhibition of stretch marks, wrinkles, varacose veins and seventies retro clothing.

The Bikers.
Bikers insist on having weddings “Hells Angels” style. Very little emphasis will be placed on subjects like dressing up and cakes. Six packs of Budweiser beer and Taquilla shots are more the order of the day. Prepare for lots of noise, smoke and arm wrestling.

The Actors
Actors are people who think that they are living life on a movie set. If situations are not staged then they are not natural. These people have no real emotions of their own and they rely on acting to get them through events.

The Panickers
The panickers are people who continually think that everything that can go wrong will go wrong. They live in constant dread of disorder and yet they expect and, indeed, will it on themselves all the time. In the end, when everything has gone like a dream, they will inevitably say, “we knew all the time that everything would turn out just fine”. All you want to do in answer to the torment that they put you through is to wring their necks.

The “any excuse for a drink” lot.
This group are basically the same as bikers exept they wear nicer clothes.

The Idle Lot.
The Idle lot really fall into two categories. The first are those people who just sit around smoking cigarettes while you do all the hard work. If you pleasantly invite them to get involved in the proceedings they simply smile politely and state what a wonderful job you are doing and they have complete trust in every aspect of your organizational skills.

The second category of the idle lot are those who pretend to be too busy doing other more urgent tasks than to be involved in something so trivial as their own son or daughters wedding. More often than not, their only contribution is to issue a whole list of useless instructions to all present after which they swiftly turn on their heels with a flair worthy of royalty and promptly parade out of the building without a single glance in your direction.

The Paranoid Lot.
This lot are a really wierd bunch. They are totally and utterly convinced that everybody (including their own offspring) are involved in a conspiracy to bring doom and failure on the happy event and consequently to make their lives an unbearable misery. They are constantly depressed, take vast quantities of pills to calm their frayed nerves and dash off at a moments notice for consultation with any number of psychiatrists, psychologists and various other sorts of therapists. Everything seems somehow to always be about them.

So thats just a few of the types of in laws that you may be forced to contend with. I wish you the best of luck. Really.