Awake

  Awake



    Stephanie Grey had just turned eighteen in August, but tonight she felt like a

frightened six year old. Her fear felt palpable like flood water rising, ready to drown

her mind. The bold face clock on the wall read 1:00 am and Stephanie still sat in

her parents close kitchen. She wore a white shirt and pink apron covered in grease

from the hotel café where she worked as a waitress. Her long green polyester skirt

itched like a rash. Her legs ached from the exertion of her twelve hour shift at the

Madison Hotel.
         
    She froze listening to the newscast, glued to the small black and white

television screen, turned down low. Channel seven reporters talked about a double

homicide.
         
“In Rahway today, a father murdered his daughter by stabbing her to death with a

large knife. Next, he murdered his wife with a blunt object. The motive was

unknown.”
         
Stephanie shivered. His rage. That father murdered his daughter and his wife

because he lost control of his rage. Stephanie thought about her own fathers rage

and once again fear crept into her. He could kill her. How close had he come to

murdering her mother or her like that father on television? His beatings of mom were

getting worse again.
         Stephanie had witnessed some of the abuse from the age of thirteen.

Dad tried to choke her mother to death. He let her fall out of his grip just as she

passed out. She survived. Stephanie had been terrified of him ever since.
         
She buried the fear that he could commit murder. She had to live with him and she

could not function with this realization on a daily basis. The tension in the

household heightened her fear. No longer could she keep it buried. He had never hit

her, but her mother did continuing the cycle of violence in their household.
         
    Stephanie stopped, her mind spun like a top. Still scared, angry and lightheaded

she took a deep breath. She attended Calwel University and felt desperate to stay

in school recognizing that she needed a plan. Her parents paid her first semester’s

tuition and then told her they would not pay for the rest because it was too

expensive. Her mom didn’t want her to go to school because she didn’t want to be

alone with dad, especially at night.
         
    If I could just live on campus. Her job would pay for books and living expenses

but not housing and tuition. The next step was going to Calwel’s financial aide office

for help. She worried that the financial aid office, would not believe the truth.

Perhaps they would not even care.
         
    Stephanie stood and turned off the TV. hoping to reach her room without waking

the sleeping reptiles. She took off her bulky black shoes and carried them in her

hand, quiet as a cat passing her parents room. Their door stood ajar. Stephanie

opened her bedroom door and closed it. Mother yelled, “Bitch , if I told you once, I

told you twice do not wake me up when you come into this house.”
         
    “Thump” It sounded like mother threw something at her bedroom door.

Stephanie would not be surprised. Yesterday, she threw a steak knife at Stephanie

in the kitchen because she was in a mood. The knife missed and stuck in the wall.
         
    Tonight Stephanie just prayed mother’s loud shout did not wake her father. He

should be good and passed out at this time of night. She could never tell how

deeply he slept. He was unpredictable.
         
    Stephanie shrugged out of her clothing in the dark. She didn’t turn on the light or

go into the bathroom to brush her teeth. She slipped into her long white tee-shirt

and got under the covers hoping her mother would settle down and go to sleep.
         
The next morning the blare of her alarm clock awakened Stephanie. Six am. She

had slept three hours. Her mind raced. She needed to get into the financial aid

office to talk to a counselor before it got really crowded. She grabbed some jeans

and a grey sweat shirt to wear over white underwear and a pink under wire bra.

Socks and a worn pair of Nikes followed. Again she slipped past her parent’s door

and into the bathroom to brush her teeth, take a quick shower and get dressed.

She skipped breakfast and got out without waking her parents.
         

    She ran to the bus stop for the 6:20 bus that made all the stops. Stephanie

reached Calwel College at exactly 7:00am, when the financial aid office opened.

Stephanie breathed a sigh of relief. The financial aid officers were not even at their

windows yet. Which financial aid officer would she tell her story to? She scanned

their names posted on plaques above the windows, but that told her little about who

would be most helpful. God, would care about all the shit she was going through?

They probably would say tough luck kid. What do you want me to do? Jesus,

please help.
         She approached the first one to come to a window. “Mr. Rodriguez, my

name is Stephanie Blake. I’m a full time student here at Calwel College and I have a

problem. My parents have decided that they are no longer willing to pay for my

tuition next semester. I’m a really good student and I want to stay in school. Can

you help me?” “Why isn’t your parent’s willing to pay? Are they having financial

difficulty? We have financial aid packages. Have they applied?”

         Crying, Stephanie said “it’s not that. It’s a long story. My parents are

abusive to me and to one another. They have been for a long time. I think they just

don’t want me to go to college. I think my mother wants me to stay home and take

care of her because she’s afraid of my father.

         Mr. Rodriguez looked at Stephanie as she cried and then invited her into

his inner sanctum. He offered her a tissue. “Stephanie, I believe you. There is a way

that you can apply to become an independent student. I can help you. You have to

work full time and get your own place to stay. Can you do that? Can you move out

on your own?”

         Stephanie stopped crying. She dared to hope. She quickly nodded

already making plans to ask for more hours at work, anything to get out of living

with her parents.
         “Thank-you, Mr. Rodriguez you have no idea what you’ve just done for

me. I honestly didn’t think I could stay in school. I thought it was hopeless.Thank-

you.Thank-you so much.”

         “Don’t thank me yet. You have a lot of work to do. Lots of paperwork to

fill out. You have to find your own housing and bring me proof of a full-time job.”

At least now I have your help and hope.